Haven't had sex in over a year

[GreenMan91]

Hey guys, it's been a long time since I've been on the forums. I appreciate the diversity of topics covered here.

Basically, I'm 25 and it's been over a year since I've had sex. There's at least three things I think that have contributed to that. The first is that I'm really busy. I got my first full time office job where I work 40-50 hours a week and I've been spending exuberant amount of times studying outside of work. Secondly, I moved back into my parents basement to save money. Third, I got sober over a year ago and I'm terribly anxious around new people which doesn't help with the seduction process.

I've been on tinder dates but none of the dates end up going anywhere. I try to go into these dates without the expectation I will get laid and instead just try to have fun. However, whenever I try to have a second date, girls say they aren't interested. It's usually not so hard for me to get a little action every once and awhile. I think I've just lost my mojo!

Does anyone have any experience/advice they can share? I feel like a virgin for the second time in my life and it's a little miserable. I moved recently so I don't really have a solid new group of friends. Is it more important to build that first? In the past, that hasn't been a problem, but I feel like as I get older the rules of the dating world change and I haven't kept up with them.

 

[szuko000]

I havent gotten laid in 1.5 years, right before my ex and i broke up. I had a similar story in a sense but the real issue was I didnt view myself in a positive light until recently. I obviously was still struggling to accept parts of myself and even though I had developed hobbies etc, i just didnt have something to work toward as I hadnt gotten true long term goals.

As you need to persuade another person to have sex with you the first thing you need to do is understand yourself. Why do you feel this is so important? Are you looking for sex, friendship, companionship? It sounds like your general confusion as to what you actually want is what is stopping you. In my opinion since you bring up friends you should focus on making a few real friends and perhaps you will meet women through your social interactions.

I know exactly why i havent gotten laid, I am hyper critical of myself. First I said "once i move out ill get laid" moved out but had not furniture so then it once "once i get a real bed because no one gets laid on an air mattress" then "I need a couch because the only shareable space is the bed" but my point is none of that really matters to anyone but me and thus its me preventing me from getting laid. So the main question is which of the 3 reasons you brought up is chipping away at your confidence so much?

 

[pofacedhoe]

you live with your parents to save money?

is this part of a plan thats going anywhere like saving up for something?

 

[psychedelicham]

I mean as long as u jerk off u shouldn't go crazy. Also stop trying so hard to get laid. It's when you stop worrying about it that you're able to make it happen easily. Just my .2 though. Good luck

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

"Terribly anxious around new people" -- that's probably the issue...

Goal: Get more comfortable around new people.

Girls are hard.. maybe try guys first? Check out meetup.com and find a random group to join. Relax. You are super young and seem like a crazy hard worker. It'll come.

 

[tathra]

I mean as long as u jerk off u shouldn't go crazy.

not true. multi-year dry spells are soul crushing. they're my life story, being isolated and unwanted for 3-5 years at a time and then a very short break, followed by another 3-5 years, x5 at least. OP is one up on me though because he's at least getting first dates (though the extremely few 'first dates' i did get always involved sex, but not because they were easy or sleazy, but even getting to the point of talking, much less meeting, basically never happened). i finally managed to hit the girlfriend lottery and get back together with the one that got away (there were several of those, but she's the most amazing, beautiful, and impressive of them), so i cant really give you advice on how to fix it because i never could, but i totally understand what you're going through.

 

[szuko000]

^ there was once a time where I would agree with that but my outlook on relationships and companionship has changed so much in the past year and a half that I truly value my time. I realized that the reason I thought relationships were important was I was never truly happy with myself and sought some kind of validation.

I am not putting down people that want to be in relationships i was there myself all I am trying to say is self love and self validation is very important. I learned through my last long term relationship that i was investing too much into her and not enough into myself which was the case with both my long term relationships. They lasted 4 and 5 years respectively but by the end they were more draining on me then they should have been in a sense.

My dry spell doesnt bother me because all I really want to do is have sex with females, I dont care about friendship companionship or connection really. I know that i am attractive and desirable my issue is approaching. I think anyone who is upset with their current relationship status needs to really ask themselves "what am i trying to find in a partner?" Not having sex really shouldnt bother you too much unless you associate it with validation, social status, or general happiness which is dangerous because your relying on others for things that should be innate in you.

 

[tathra]

^ there was once a time where I would agree with that but my outlook on relationships and companionship has changed so much in the past year and a half that I truly value my time. I realized that the reason I thought relationships were important was I was never truly happy with myself and sought some kind of validation.

thats the kind of advice that comes from, and is expected to be to, people who are regularly in and out of relationships. it is absolutely meaningless to people who have spent 90%+ of their life completely alone, friendless and unwanted by everyone, and unable to connect to anyone. you know those people who are always in relationships, and spend maybe a couple months out of their entire life single? now imagine the opposite of that. its something nobody else can relate to or even imagine.

humans are social creatures. we need to connect to people to maintain good mental health, and that includes having intimate relationships.

 

[szuko000]

I have only had 2 relationships and 3 sex partners and am 30, I am not always in a relationship as the average time out of them is 2 years.

But there is a reason for interacting with others, you can say humans are social creatures but that is not a catch all. What is the point of social interaction to you? Do you do it for validation i.e. "people like me i must be worthy" or because you dont want to be alone "I dont know what to do with my free time and seek distraction through others" My guess is its a little of both for a lot of people and like i said its not a bad thing but the strong desire can be removed by solving the reasons why there is a strong desire for social interaction. Seeing people should be fun and exciting but being alone should be standard and normal.

But I have always been an introvert so my drive for social interaction is lower then an extrovert. I still think analyzing the reason someone desires to interact strongly will help them figure themselves out and thus be more happy. Knowing what you want and why you do things is important, its bigger then "humans are social." I am not saying relationships arent important i am saying know why you desire to form them so you can have healthy ones, not all interactions are healthy.

 

[CFC]

I had a 7 year gap once, and then a glut, then more gaps. So try not to worry too much about the time period, it doesn't really mean much.

Meeting new friends is valuable because - for most people - apps like Tinder and online dating seem pretty poor compared to RL. And the more reasons you have to go out and build networks of people, the more likely you are to come across someone for sex or a relationship.

 

[Ds]

it's been almost a year for me as well, the last chick i slept with was in a shed, in the middle of summer. it's pretty good romance story of how some lady in her late 40's gets up with a guy thats half her age. well, not saying i want to go out and get a piece of ass, sure. i'm just not ready for a committed relationship.

 

[llama112]

A few suggestions:
1 - honestly, warn the person ahead of time that you are shy. Say it upfront. If you meet someone online, you talk for a bit, let them know you're a bit shy as an FYI. Honest, why not? A lot of people are shy.
2 - living with your parents will not help at all. I would say that in itself would ruin would most of your chances (even moreso than being shy). Where do you expect to have sex?