The Crimson Elephant
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 8, 2024
- Messages
- 32
Hello everybody !
I would like to talk about what has been darkening all my substances uses at least a bit for the last 3 years.
Firstly, I'd like to express the fact that I like doing drugs and psychedelics and that my use is under control and always accompanied by harm reduction.
I don't like auto destruction, and I want to be in a good health.
Nevertheless, I acknowledge the fact that my drug use will leave aftermath on my health and that it has consequences.
And I acknowledge the fact that I am addict to using psychotropic compounds.
My ambitions are to not drastically hurt my body resulting in some sort of disability.
I also want to have a good physical condition and sport performances.
And I wish to not die too prematurely because of my use ; Dying at 75 instead of 80 is okay to me, but 40 would make the whole thing not worth it for me.
The thing is, I can't foresee the future, and doing my best for my health would be being sober.
And when I do drugs, I get anxiety from feeling my heart beating fast and not being sure i'm not dying. I will call that cardiophobia. My precise example could be named cardionarcophobia.
The problem is that, when I get cardiac anxiety, doing my best would be to stop using drugs for the remaining of the party (or my life) for example and for extreme examples calling the emergencies.
Quick report from bad experiences chronologically :
It all started with my first joints. As a teenager I felt invincible and did not worry that much about "harmless marijuana". But sometimes combined tachycardia of energetic sodas and joints made me aware or slightly concerned by my tachycardia.
Often amplified by setting, nighttime and cannabis paranoia.
Sometimes during monster drinking and studying nights I felt my heart beat and got so anxious I had to wake up my parents to ask for help.
Because of that, I got an ECG capable apple watch and used it while on drugs at home.
When using ketamine I had a cellphone ready to call for help if I did get into some sort of cardiac emergency.
It made me focused on my heart, I had sleepless nights just from cardiac anxiety while doing safe doses at home.
I was also going to free parties where I did take MDMA, LSD and/or Ketamine. And during these events I wasn't so stressed, I was focused on dancing and didn't have time to let anxiety creep up.
(Also at these events taking huge amounts of drugs, mixing whatever is trivialized. It seems as if that place in time and space provided invulnerability.)
Finally, recently I have been taking way higher doses of LSD and over a certain dose (>200μg) my heart perception changes and makes me feel every beat with some kind of tightness in the chest.
It caused me one severe bad trip and haunted a lot of others.
Bright side :
I kind of always have had hypochondria and I have thought countless times that my number was up.
Facing my inability to control my cardiophobia with reasoning and anxiety reducing techniques I started to accept my death.
Simultaneously, I did have some k-holes feeling like imminent death.
Moreover I had a need to develop my ability to let go in order to be able to handle psychedelic experiences tearing away reality and perception of being.
Altogether I developed my ability to stop worrying about dying by accepting it was maybe my time and I couldn't do anything about it.
Anxiety point of view :
When I'm sober I never worry, I do high intensity sport and am used to pushing my heart to its limits.
My cardiophobia and hypochondria in general started when I was in a high school-stress period.
I worked a lot on my general anxiety it and it helped with cardiophobia a bit.
Substance point of view :
My cardiophobia is really changing depending on the substance ;
-LSD : Weird heart feeling for the whole day making bad trips more likely.
-Cannabis : I got cardio anxiety close to each time I'm high. Big doses make me so anxious, that's why I stopped doing them.
-Stimulants : At high doses the over confidence and stimulation takes over anxiety and I'm more trustful about my heart.
-Alcohol : Booze kind of acts like an antidote, it makes THC and LSD cardio anxiety diminish a lot.
Medical point of view :
I have had my heart analyzed a couple of times.
First time was because one night while doing amphet my apple watch integrated ECG detected sinus arrhythmia.
After a sleepless night I went to the doctor who analyzed my ECG and told me I had slight sinus arrhythmia which was normal for boys my age and that everything was fine otherwise.
More recently for my sport certificate, I had another ECG from a doctor who told me there was nothing noticeable and that everything was OK.
In 2023 winter on a "meth-saturday", during the evening while coming down, I had cardiac failure symptoms. My left arm was numb, I felt weak and was pretty derealized.
My anxiety rose
and i was losing the ground beneath me. I used breathing techniques and on my friends call, phoned a medic for a doubt removing checkup.
Once again the ECG was okay.
I also got no known cardiac history in my family.
I wrote this post in order to have your advices about :
1- Cardiac health and scientific knowledge about it. To allow me to stop being ruled by anxiety, denial and ignorance profiting science and rationality.
2- I would like to read similar stories from some older folks (I'm in my 20s), to gain some prospect about how it may evolve.
3- Am I entitled to consult a psychiatrist or psychologist to help me get rid of my cardionarcophobia ?
I get the feeling that they would just tell me "just quit using, it's illegal and wrong, doing drugs is also a problem of yours you have to fix. You are responsible and guilty, you are the only one to blame"
I don't want to be treated as someone sick. I knowingly chose to do drugs because I like it and not because I would be some sort of junkie robbed of freewill.
Thank you for reading, it's a big text wall but I needed to be thorough and explain the problem clearly on paper at least for me.
Love
I would like to talk about what has been darkening all my substances uses at least a bit for the last 3 years.
Firstly, I'd like to express the fact that I like doing drugs and psychedelics and that my use is under control and always accompanied by harm reduction.
I don't like auto destruction, and I want to be in a good health.
Nevertheless, I acknowledge the fact that my drug use will leave aftermath on my health and that it has consequences.
And I acknowledge the fact that I am addict to using psychotropic compounds.
My ambitions are to not drastically hurt my body resulting in some sort of disability.
I also want to have a good physical condition and sport performances.
And I wish to not die too prematurely because of my use ; Dying at 75 instead of 80 is okay to me, but 40 would make the whole thing not worth it for me.
The thing is, I can't foresee the future, and doing my best for my health would be being sober.
And when I do drugs, I get anxiety from feeling my heart beating fast and not being sure i'm not dying. I will call that cardiophobia. My precise example could be named cardionarcophobia.
The problem is that, when I get cardiac anxiety, doing my best would be to stop using drugs for the remaining of the party (or my life) for example and for extreme examples calling the emergencies.
Quick report from bad experiences chronologically :
It all started with my first joints. As a teenager I felt invincible and did not worry that much about "harmless marijuana". But sometimes combined tachycardia of energetic sodas and joints made me aware or slightly concerned by my tachycardia.
Often amplified by setting, nighttime and cannabis paranoia.
Sometimes during monster drinking and studying nights I felt my heart beat and got so anxious I had to wake up my parents to ask for help.
Because of that, I got an ECG capable apple watch and used it while on drugs at home.
When using ketamine I had a cellphone ready to call for help if I did get into some sort of cardiac emergency.
It made me focused on my heart, I had sleepless nights just from cardiac anxiety while doing safe doses at home.
I was also going to free parties where I did take MDMA, LSD and/or Ketamine. And during these events I wasn't so stressed, I was focused on dancing and didn't have time to let anxiety creep up.
(Also at these events taking huge amounts of drugs, mixing whatever is trivialized. It seems as if that place in time and space provided invulnerability.)
Finally, recently I have been taking way higher doses of LSD and over a certain dose (>200μg) my heart perception changes and makes me feel every beat with some kind of tightness in the chest.
It caused me one severe bad trip and haunted a lot of others.
Bright side :
I kind of always have had hypochondria and I have thought countless times that my number was up.
Facing my inability to control my cardiophobia with reasoning and anxiety reducing techniques I started to accept my death.
Simultaneously, I did have some k-holes feeling like imminent death.
Moreover I had a need to develop my ability to let go in order to be able to handle psychedelic experiences tearing away reality and perception of being.
Altogether I developed my ability to stop worrying about dying by accepting it was maybe my time and I couldn't do anything about it.
Anxiety point of view :
When I'm sober I never worry, I do high intensity sport and am used to pushing my heart to its limits.
My cardiophobia and hypochondria in general started when I was in a high school-stress period.
I worked a lot on my general anxiety it and it helped with cardiophobia a bit.
Substance point of view :
My cardiophobia is really changing depending on the substance ;
-LSD : Weird heart feeling for the whole day making bad trips more likely.
-Cannabis : I got cardio anxiety close to each time I'm high. Big doses make me so anxious, that's why I stopped doing them.
-Stimulants : At high doses the over confidence and stimulation takes over anxiety and I'm more trustful about my heart.
-Alcohol : Booze kind of acts like an antidote, it makes THC and LSD cardio anxiety diminish a lot.
Medical point of view :
I have had my heart analyzed a couple of times.
First time was because one night while doing amphet my apple watch integrated ECG detected sinus arrhythmia.
After a sleepless night I went to the doctor who analyzed my ECG and told me I had slight sinus arrhythmia which was normal for boys my age and that everything was fine otherwise.
More recently for my sport certificate, I had another ECG from a doctor who told me there was nothing noticeable and that everything was OK.
In 2023 winter on a "meth-saturday", during the evening while coming down, I had cardiac failure symptoms. My left arm was numb, I felt weak and was pretty derealized.
My anxiety rose
and i was losing the ground beneath me. I used breathing techniques and on my friends call, phoned a medic for a doubt removing checkup.Once again the ECG was okay.
I also got no known cardiac history in my family.
I wrote this post in order to have your advices about :
1- Cardiac health and scientific knowledge about it. To allow me to stop being ruled by anxiety, denial and ignorance profiting science and rationality.
2- I would like to read similar stories from some older folks (I'm in my 20s), to gain some prospect about how it may evolve.
3- Am I entitled to consult a psychiatrist or psychologist to help me get rid of my cardionarcophobia ?
I get the feeling that they would just tell me "just quit using, it's illegal and wrong, doing drugs is also a problem of yours you have to fix. You are responsible and guilty, you are the only one to blame"
I don't want to be treated as someone sick. I knowingly chose to do drugs because I like it and not because I would be some sort of junkie robbed of freewill.
Thank you for reading, it's a big text wall but I needed to be thorough and explain the problem clearly on paper at least for me.
Love
