Heroin has there ever been a day/week/month where you truly feel you had enough?

[Jabberwocky]

I've been a dope fiend for way too long; years and years of shooting, problems among problems, and all that other BS that comes w/ it.

I've been on suboxone twice (including now) but have used suboxone many times throughout the years on those days I had no cash or couldnt get shit. I've been on methadone twice and both times I used the entire time and just used the methadone as an extra "boost" or a safety net if I couldnt score that day.

coming off my last, almost fatal OD, which was Aug 2013 I went to the ER and then a psych ward because they heard me tell my mother "I wish I died". I didnt mean it just saying it cuz she was sitting right there as I woke up in the ER. well, I went to the ward and was there for a week and they started me on 24MG bupe and after 9 months of being clean and getting down to 4MG bupe I ended up slipping and back on a 2yr HARD FUCKING RUN!

well, of course over those 2 years I was picked up on a DUI charge (alcohol) somehow and since its my 2nd DUI I had to go away for 30 days but came right back out and was on dope; then I had to do a 2 week inhouse class for anyone w/ 2 DUI's or more; well, I saw a suboxone Dr. before going in and he scripted me but I still used till the morning before I left.

I went to that program and started 16MG suboxone that Monday night; well, I must say, since leaving that program back in fucking April my life has change in many ways; my cravings for dope, that life, what I was did, have all been pushed to the back. yes, I have used since, but over the last 2 months I've had no urge, no NOTHING. I feel its all has gone away. I dropped down to 12MG bupe rather than the original 16MG and would like to be on 8MG soon enough, but right now I am in no rush because I have not felt this good, this confident, and being able to get through everyday life w/o a worry, craving, or care in the world. I am just amazed at how things have turned for me; I do attend ONE weekly program which is a must because of my DUI but other than that its just ME keeping myself AWAY from drugs. now this doesnt meant I do NO DRUGS, because I still smoke weed here and there and will pop a benzo when I cant sleep, but I am just shocked how these cravings, urges, EVERYTHING went away over the past few months.

my last time on bupe was nothing like this even w/ the 9 months sobriety; I still craved but I fought it. but now I do not have a craving whatsoever and I know its the bupe that is helping but I am still shocked I feel and able to get by so well. I've tried this many, many times w/ bupe and everything else from methadone, to vivitrol and everything inbetween but nothing has helped. FINALLY I feel confident and seem to be over the hump a bit; after fucking 10+yrs of hard use I somehow feel "normal" over the last 4 months.

I dont know, I am just thankful that this suboxone is FINALLY working for me; I know its not for everyone but surly working for me THIS TIME!

 

[Mad Dash]

Maybe it is just that 10 year mark that does it? Because I too have done everything in my power to stay away from opiates... I even joined the military to make sure I couldn't get any. Even that fucked up because I got severely injured and they put me on guess what? You got it... lol. Even suboxone and zubsolv did not work enough to keep me off it. I finally got on subutex generic ad found out I have a severe sensitivity to naloxone and that is why it never helped. Hell the first dose of pure bupe put me on my ass. Which is why I was able to switch to 4mg morning and 4 mg evening. Totally changed everything. That plus being RXd diazepam and ONLY taking 10 mg a day, being RXd viibryd a wonderful new SSRI (like zero side effects), and I go to therapy sessions. Knowing that the feelings I had inside were not wrong or bad, but natural and going to meetings and talking openly about my addiction was the only thing that helped. I am on a solid medication cocktail, which has made all the difference in the world. But I just have no craving to use at all. I know it must be the bupe.

Like I said the suboxone never worked for me I was always feeling just slightly dope sick and always wanting to go get high. That was the worst struggle of my life. Knowing that staying on it made me ill. So I relapsed many many times. But when I moved back to Florida and went to a PM doctor who likes to write bupe to most of his patients with pain problems that also are prone to addiction. He listen to me and said: "Easy fix, we are going to put you on the subutex, some people are very very sensitive to the naloxone so we take it away." He did and all of a sudden my life was changed. Forever. It is too bad I had to lose everything in my life before getting here including my wife. But there is not much I can do about that now. I want to get down to 2 mg morning 2 mg evening dose so I can start feeling that full agonist feeling. So I have a funny way of making myself want to taper. I keep going lower so that I can eventually feel even better every day.

 

[Lucy Bookit]

I have had that experience, but only with coke--opiates still has me by the spine. After having a bad coke problem for about 1.5 years, the constant scrap to get money and the constant overhanging comedown, I had a realization that I was no longer interested in it. Even now the thought of being high went from a driving force to revulsion. It was freeing, scary because who knows when those feelings will roll back, but it allowed me to stay clean from coke for over a year.

Opiates is another whole thing, and I doubt I'll ever stop using them, especially now 8 years on (a third of my life--jeez).

 

[Jabberwocky]

I thought the same, Lucy.. but I am at the point where my body, my EVERYTHING truly had enough. I just cant keep up anymore; I am totally burnt out every which way possible and have no cravings whatsoever for opiates. of course this does not mean it will always stay this way but as of now I am just shocked that I lost that craving that once led my life and led me to fucking hell and back. its nice to finally feel over and done w/ it all but to those of us who have been addicted for many, many years know that it could always come back in such a short amount of time. who knows what will happen, ya know!? life sucks and then you die; thats all I know, so I might as well TRY and do my best to stay ahead of the rest and actually do something w/ my life rather than let heroin control it like I let happen for so many years.

 

[Mad Dash]

I think growing up also has something to do with it. Only about 1/10 addicts stop illegal/recreational use. The rest continue until they die or go to prison. Now that I am almost 30 I have new priorities in my life. I want a wife, a stable career, money, maybe even a family. I lost my first chance at doing that BECAUSE of my drug use.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I started at 18, man.. I am 32yrs old and will be 33 in Nov. I fucking had enough, mang!

 

[speedballs_over]

BBT & MadDash - good for the both of you, and the others above who echoed BBT's sentiments in the OP. I want to let you know for sure it's not too late to have a great life! I got off dope at 36 and had some trouble for a few more years. I'm now in my mid-40s. I'm back to where I was when I was just out of college, except emotionally a lot more mature.

I could get married, maybe have a family. I have 20 - 25 more years of career life, meeting good people, having solid non-drug friendships, physical activity/outdoors stuff I never did as an addict, have money to spend, etc... I can live again! And so too can you.

Keep at it. MMT & bupe were absolutely crucial to my recovery. Don't worry how long you are on bupe, get to the lowest dose that keeps you away from dope and you're all good, as long as you stay away from all other addictive/destructive substances and behaviors. It ain't easy but the more you do, the more entrenched your new life will become and it definitely gets easier over the long term. There will be rough days, life is real and raw now. You've had the strength to get this far from the depths of dependency, you have strength and wisdom - use these for positive change and maintaining momentum!

It's great to read about others who got to where I was - after getting addicted, I don't suggest addiction as a way to change your life. You got so tired of the life you wanted out! A mental turn around of amazing proportions, in my deepest depths of heroin/meth/coke/benzos abuse I never thought I'd leave the life and felt I was stuck as an addict. Then one day when I was tired of the b.s. I walked in a MMT clinic and that was the start of my final and I think I can say, full recovery.

Therapy with a CBT therapist really helped me out as well, esp., with the fall out, the guilt/shame and to help me look towards the future with confidence. Plus, I've beaten for the most part the emotional issues that led me to intentionally (yes, intentionally!) become dependent on dope.

 

[Jabberwocky]

good for you, man. its never too late is right. some feel they already been running too long and too hard and that they cannot give up. well, like you said, its never too late to start living what most call a "normal" life. I am 32, as mentioned, and will be 33 in November and hoping things stay the way I feel right now.

its something I truly HOPE for but we'll see.

 

[Mad Dash]

That is why I think some of the younger members here think I am a dick. I honestly am not trying to be. It is hard to remember what it was like when I was their age and it was so much fun. No thought of consequence. But it really runs you down. All the people that I have lost along the way... I mean PhreeX was actually one of my real life friends... speaking of which the anniversary of his passing is in a few day, and watching his social life, physical self, and emotional distress erode him was more than I could take yet I still continued to use. I should have died more than my fair share of times with my reckless doses and cocktails, how I am still walking and in excellent health is a miracle. Once I went to my partial hospitalization rehabilitation for 2 months it really changed a lot, I relapsed a few times after that but it was because there were underlying issues that had not yet been addressed. It was not until I was out of the army and in the VA and seeing the psychiatrists and therapists that I was diagnosed with a lot of psychiatric conditions and finally got the help I needed, it was also around the same time I was changed from suboxone to subutex. I got lucky and I am done. I have to be done. I just want to be loved again, I want to be held and told it is going to be alright. I now how that must sound but my life is just so lonely.

 

[adder]

I started taking opioids when I was 14, now I'm 25. I started taking Suboxone around Nov 2012 after I quit methadone. I guess it's the time that makes a difference and also you learning more and more about yourself and the world around. I haven't had an urge to take morphine/heroin for a very long time now. Sometimes when I experience intense psychological pain, a thought such as "morphine would kill it in a few seconds" crosses my mind but it feels so impersonal, it's like a faint flashback, I can't even properly remember the relief you experience when you take your opioid having been suffering from withdrawal any more. I had periods of time when I tried getting the most out of buprenorphine while on maintenance but it's discouraging if anything, yes, you can get a slight relief with it, you can even get somewhat high off it but it just lacks the capacity of heroin or morphine to bring full opioid peace and even if you try to abuse it, it doesn't set you back. In 2012 it was actually my second attempt at buprenorphine, a year or two earlier I tried getting off methadone with buprenorphine patches used s.l. but it didn't work out. I was put on 8mg of Suboxone at the beginning and I actually quite liked it especially because I was finally free from withdrawal after 2 months of nightmarish methadone withdrawal, it wasn't sedating and it made me fairly motivated to do stuff. But I stopped feeling the positive effects from higher doses long time ago, I can only get sedated after a week or two at 2-3mg. Honestly, I got fed up with opioids in general. I've been trying to taper down Suboxone for some time now but each time I got down to 2mg, I shortly increased my dose again up to 8mg a day. I'm at 4mg a day now, even though I can't really feel the effects much, I have a hard time taking just 3mg a day for more than a few days. The thing is I know I would have no problem getting off it completely in no time at all no matter what if I only became at least a bit happy with where I am now, but currently I still can't let go the past and I keep blaming myself for bad choices. Recently it got even worse, I met a great girl, so unlike all the girls that I fell for in the past, she's my age and she's doing a doctorate while I'm still to have my first degree, it's like I suddenly saw how much I had lost and ironically I'd been losing my life because I couldn't let go the past. I guess it's high time I finally did that.

Anyway, I'm glad Suboxone finally works out for you. Cheers!