well another day spent in the library. Not even a day, what am i saying got here at 3 it's only 4.13. That's what seems so crazy or ridiculousanbout the whole thing. If only I had just looked at the mail. Gone to the mailbox rather than justhide by pretending it was going to be ok.
I have received the foreclosure letter for the mortgage. I have a total of 4 collection letters regarding 3 credit cards and a telephone bill. I have regular monthly bills and don't have the money for them either. So I guess I am not that far from being homeless after all.
It feels strange ,I haven't really worked in so long now apart from soccer coaching which I did after i got out from the hospital. I love it but nothing doing for the winter and I just cant get enough work for it to be full time.
It is like the train track I was walking down had a train barreling down the track coming towards me blaring it's horn, headlights full on and I couldn't hear or see a fucking thing. Completely closed off to the noises of danger. And then wallop, just got smattered all over the railway.
But you don't die, you now get to see the train hurtling past you onwards like you weren't even there. Just a small blip as the train screams past you and you're left there going "How the fuck did I not see that" And hundreds of friends family passers by look at you and say "are you fucking serious?" Everyone was shouting and roaring at you to watch out. even people who didn't know you were trying to warn you. They saw the train from fucking miles away.
And slowly you sit there with your head all bloody in a thousand pieces, trying to put it back together again, picking little bits of the track.
The feeling of sadness is pretty bad right now. Sadness I feel for my family, the full impact of how it will affect them. The betrayal to my son, not putting him first.the betrayal to my wife, regardless of our differences and difficulties. Knowingly going and using and not stopping. I am not going to say I couldn't stop, I could have. I was able to stop when my money ran out. I showed up at the job too. I didn't go out and rob a bank or stick up someone because my addiction was TOO BIG. .to handle. I like Lacey says knew how and when I was going to go and get high. Yes there was times I lit up in the car driving (what an idiot,but that was when I was high or drunk etc.) There is a difference. But just like the start of this week and other weeks, I wanted to and If I had the money I would have more than likely gone and used. But I didn't have the money, well yes I did , I still do .I have a few hundred in the account. I could drain it right. But It's like I know there is no way I am not missing the train this time. So what;s the fucking point. I am done.
I guess that is why I hate AA. That I would walk into the rooms after my last Binge and If I was coming up on my year anniversary, they would be taking the credit for my sobriety and I would be thinking of myself as the lowest piece of human scum for what I have done to myself and my family.
But that is not the full truth. The full truth is that in these past 10- 11 months, I haven't used crack cocaine. I did drink at my Father's funeral this year in March for three days and then stopped. I haven't had a drink since or after it and don't feel like one. I feel like getting high because that crack high is like nothing else and It is seductive. But I am able to think it through, I am able to talk to good people I have met about it and I am, able to convince myself that It is not worth it and more than likely will make me feel worse also.
Now that can't happen in AA, because the book says there will come a time where no human power will be able to stop you.There is a mental blank spot and you will not be able to think the drink through.Pfffffffffft. Who am I talking to right now. I don't know.I am angry that maybe if I trusted in myself a little bit more I might be in a better position. I trusted many people far too much because I didn't and have never validated myself. The self esteem issue. The I am and always have been a fuck up and therefore you always will be.You will be nothing but that uselesss drunk who never took advantage of anything decent given him in his life. And that might be true ,all I did was hear the negative, and run with it.
Well I have a lot of cleaning up to do. I have a lot of lot of cleaning up to do, but it will get better, hey maybe it will get a lot worse , I don't know, but from this day on I will accept full responsibility for all my actions but I think more importantly all my thoughts. And I think today is going to be ok.
This feels very good to write. 4.51pm. I will take a quick look around BL and then do a little work on my self esteem. Yeah why not, I'm worth it.
I have received the foreclosure letter for the mortgage. I have a total of 4 collection letters regarding 3 credit cards and a telephone bill. I have regular monthly bills and don't have the money for them either. So I guess I am not that far from being homeless after all.
It feels strange ,I haven't really worked in so long now apart from soccer coaching which I did after i got out from the hospital. I love it but nothing doing for the winter and I just cant get enough work for it to be full time.
It is like the train track I was walking down had a train barreling down the track coming towards me blaring it's horn, headlights full on and I couldn't hear or see a fucking thing. Completely closed off to the noises of danger. And then wallop, just got smattered all over the railway.
But you don't die, you now get to see the train hurtling past you onwards like you weren't even there. Just a small blip as the train screams past you and you're left there going "How the fuck did I not see that" And hundreds of friends family passers by look at you and say "are you fucking serious?" Everyone was shouting and roaring at you to watch out. even people who didn't know you were trying to warn you. They saw the train from fucking miles away.
And slowly you sit there with your head all bloody in a thousand pieces, trying to put it back together again, picking little bits of the track.
The feeling of sadness is pretty bad right now. Sadness I feel for my family, the full impact of how it will affect them. The betrayal to my son, not putting him first.the betrayal to my wife, regardless of our differences and difficulties. Knowingly going and using and not stopping. I am not going to say I couldn't stop, I could have. I was able to stop when my money ran out. I showed up at the job too. I didn't go out and rob a bank or stick up someone because my addiction was TOO BIG. .to handle. I like Lacey says knew how and when I was going to go and get high. Yes there was times I lit up in the car driving (what an idiot,but that was when I was high or drunk etc.) There is a difference. But just like the start of this week and other weeks, I wanted to and If I had the money I would have more than likely gone and used. But I didn't have the money, well yes I did , I still do .I have a few hundred in the account. I could drain it right. But It's like I know there is no way I am not missing the train this time. So what;s the fucking point. I am done.
I guess that is why I hate AA. That I would walk into the rooms after my last Binge and If I was coming up on my year anniversary, they would be taking the credit for my sobriety and I would be thinking of myself as the lowest piece of human scum for what I have done to myself and my family.
But that is not the full truth. The full truth is that in these past 10- 11 months, I haven't used crack cocaine. I did drink at my Father's funeral this year in March for three days and then stopped. I haven't had a drink since or after it and don't feel like one. I feel like getting high because that crack high is like nothing else and It is seductive. But I am able to think it through, I am able to talk to good people I have met about it and I am, able to convince myself that It is not worth it and more than likely will make me feel worse also.
Now that can't happen in AA, because the book says there will come a time where no human power will be able to stop you.There is a mental blank spot and you will not be able to think the drink through.Pfffffffffft. Who am I talking to right now. I don't know.I am angry that maybe if I trusted in myself a little bit more I might be in a better position. I trusted many people far too much because I didn't and have never validated myself. The self esteem issue. The I am and always have been a fuck up and therefore you always will be.You will be nothing but that uselesss drunk who never took advantage of anything decent given him in his life. And that might be true ,all I did was hear the negative, and run with it.
Well I have a lot of cleaning up to do. I have a lot of lot of cleaning up to do, but it will get better, hey maybe it will get a lot worse , I don't know, but from this day on I will accept full responsibility for all my actions but I think more importantly all my thoughts. And I think today is going to be ok.
This feels very good to write. 4.51pm. I will take a quick look around BL and then do a little work on my self esteem. Yeah why not, I'm worth it.
