THE_REAL_OBLIVION
Bluelight Crew
If you guys could see my older posts which have been pruned since then (Im a longtime member, i used to go to bluelight.nu and I still make that error sometimes 
) but I was a psy, weed, dissociative kind of person, i was always afraid of addictive drugs like opiates, cocaine etc. until I got severe health problems which are very painful and those caused me to develop a severe anxiety disorder because of how doctors would not help me no matter what happens to me, because they are so afraid to script true painkillers (not fucking celebrex and diclofenac) to people under 35 years old around here.
2008 was the year where I started to go on self destructive all hope is lost train of thought. I had problems finishing the last math class to obtain my degree in pharmacy. I am a pharmacist who cannot be a pharmacist because I am unable to beat Linear Algebra And Vectorial Geometry.
The thing is I have severe ADD. Ritalin never helped me, in fact metylphenidate just made me feel like i had too much caffeine and gave me seizures a couple times when I was 18/19 and once i snorted 20mg of ritalin over some DOB blotter and I went batshit insane and I felt like I broke my brain , circa 2004.
I don't want to make this post too long but I cannot not tell about everything about me, I need the relief of extracting thoughts from my head in the most cohesive manner as therapy.
I have temporomandibular joint dysfunction, tubular dysfunction (problems with my ear/nose canals) and lung problems (sarcoidosis) inb4 Dr House joke...
In 2008 I started to shoot the dilaudid my dentist was scripting me very seldomly. (Why do doctors and dentist script painkillers for a long term problem for a short period of time anyway ? It's just being a fucking tease!) <snip>
I am on benzos since 2007, because how much time it took for doctors to acknowledge/actually diagnostic me with my pain problems/lung problems/ADD. I was almost thinking I was just crazy and hypochondriac, mostly because of that DOB+ Ritalin bad trip in 2004. Time does heal, it took so much time though for my brain to feel correct again that it ruined a lot of my post-college life. And I actually have 2 BA's, chemistry and pharmacy. Never worked with them ever. In 2008 when I had so much problem beating that damn math class i got into cocaine, actually not cocaine but freebase cocaine, <snip>
I failed that class again and just stopped to give fucks about anything. I wasted 10000k in 6 months from my student loans into cocaine, i would smoke homemade freebase i would make with ammonia every single from summer 2008 to feb 2009.<snip> And then I never was able to get a hit just as awesome. I was running after something I could no longer get. All while I was trying to find a compassionate doctor or dentist for my horrible jaw pain, ENT for my tubular dysfunction. My pneumologist has always been great though, I am grateful to him for giving me oral prednisolone during my sarcoidosis flare ups and Hycodan (pure hydrocodone syrup). Then I started to love opiates very much as the hycodan syrup took care of my pain AND cough, cough that hurt so bad I would get costochondritis from coughing so hard, which was giving me said chest pain. It even went up to the point where I developed tietze's syndrome, look it up if you dont know what it is.
Sometimes in early 2010 I made friends with a very cool guy who was older than me who a lot of contacts for people who sold prescription opiates (heroin just doesnt exist where I come from, the 10th largest and last metro area of canada, it is very remote and northern. We'd get anything but no heroin.)
He presented me to this guy who was one of the junkiest of all junkies I ever known. A very smart guy who was a slave to his opiates. And he doesnt even have pain problems. But this guy once got mad cos his docs cut him his methadone. He lives in a very small village in northern quebec and the pharmacies over there aren't super techno and it is easy to steal highly controlled meds.
When I got to that guy's place is where my opiate addiction started, but not to the extent it went later. He had went and took his script himself if you get what I mean. My friend Steve brings me to the guy, he had every fucking opiate in existence in the canadian pharmacopeia, cesamet, adderall, dexedrine. He robbed a pharmacy of all their whole fucking controlled meds.
I went out of his house with a shitload of MS Contins 60mg, Codeine Contins 100 and 200mg, Hydromorph Contins 24mg, Fake OC80's with fentanyl in them , instant release OXY IR 20mg, Dilaudid 8mg, Adderall XR (which is where I realized the answer to my add wasnt ritalin but that godly dexamphetamine), Cesamet 1mg, Talwin, Metadol (methadone for pain), Atasol (codeine 60mg, tylenol, caffeine), m-eslons 15,30,100mg, well you can picture the whole thing i guess
All of that stuff for just 200 dollars and I had opiates for 5 months and even if used daily. <snip>
Things spiraled out of control when i went back to live with my mom as welfare even in canada isnt appropriate, unless I had doctors put me on invalidity then I had a little enough to not feel like I was breating under water from poverty. And my mom charged me pension which is normal and I have no objection that she did, she is a saint and I could never imagine her going away, at least not now, i havent accomplished anything since finally beating that math class with the help of those adderall xr's 25mg I had from that very cool junkie.
I got to know this guy who was on very high doses of hydromorphone, 4 x hydromorph contins 30mg, 12 x 4mg dilaudid a day, the brand name ones too, not shitty generic ones. By that time I had shot up but just a little, the 8mg yummy triangle dilaudids from when i met that guy and the dilaudid i got from the dentist, 1mg or 2mg ones. Which I mostly snorted. When living at my mom from 2010-july 2012 I had lost all hope and was gulping benzos and shooting opiates as often as I could recklessly and get into very cynical bands i always loved but which i got more into the lyrics of, example, Dead Kennedys, NoFX, Propagandhi, Leftover Crack, Crass etc. I stopped smokiong weed everyday around 2010 also, weed wasnt agreeing with me anymore same for psychedelics where i would just a constant panic attack until those drugs wore off.
When I went back to live by myself I had to pay rent again, so with my mere 730 dollars of temp disability a month, would only leave me about 175 dollars by myself once rent and food was obtained. But i had dexedrine script then, when i convinced my gp who wanted to put me on adderall xr that the levo amphetamine is crap and gives me even more chest pains. Which is NOT an issue with dexedrine. I got into shooting <snip> whatever the older guy with all those scripts would give me. <snip> I was only shooting the dilaudid which is pretty safe with a regular securip cup kit but i made the error of shooting the crushed up beads from hydromorph contins, which now sickens me, it couldnt have been safe with regular filters, but oh well, i did my best to always only obtain dilaudid.
Finally, the main point now, enough background. So i have to pay rent and food now, when i used to only need to pay 250 dollars to my mom to live at her house (I'm 30 now) which turned into 435 dollars for a 2 room and a toilet apartment....ridiculous how rent is these days, of course i could have had a cheaper apartment but i have a supermarket, bank, pharmacy and convenience store right in front of my apartment and I do not own a car so yeah it is very well placed. But I didn't have the money to feed my addiction anymore. I wasnt going to suck cocks as I have dignity and this thought repulses me. I started not to eat and stay up days on end on dexedrine and when i was feeling like i didnt feel good i would shoot up 4-8mg of dilaudid and then i'd feel like god, but still careless about myself.
I ended up owing that old guy 430 dollars, he wasnt willing to front me anymore and I was SICK, SIIIIIICK. I bit the bullet and went to an opiate detox. Suboxone isnt free in my province, i think its like 25 dollars a day, more expensive than my old addiction ! (i had those dilaudids for very cheap, lets say i didnt have to spend more than 80 dollars a week to feed my addiction). My only alternative was methadone.
Well it turns out methadone is wonderful and did save my life. Because I was thinking of suicide a little before going to detox. I am now stabilized at 60mg methadone, which i find awesome, as it is a low dose for the kind of dilaudid IV addiction I used to have. I am now painfree and this is all I ever wanted.
These guys at the detox wanted me off benzos and they weren't taking into account how much of a tolerance I had and how 20mg of valium was just the minimum to hold me these days. I had succeeded before that of dropping my benzo consumption by 66% with the help of my psychiatrist doing an ashton style kind of rivotril (clonazepam) detox with valium. Went from 50mg valium to 20mg valium a day and that was one of my proudest moments. Now I'm about to be given the okay to work very soon. I cannot get off benzos completely it seems i am totally unable to remove the valium from my life and damn, I want to get rid of all the shackles I am in. The valium allows me not to have to take huge doses of methadone. It took my psychiatrist to call the detox center into telling em not to remove my 20mg of valium. Because they had initiated a taper which was unreasonably fast in my opinion and badly done (it is not an ashton method they were trying to do here, hell no).
Last week I spent 6 days out of valium cos I was trying to get nods again with the methadone, also was adding hydroxyzine, promethazine, robaxet, anything to make it me nod. But I have learned to respect my valium script now, I suffered so hard last week, benzo withdrawal is the worst thing i have EVER experienced, even cold turkey from valium at a relatively low dose like 20mg. It made me tense up so badly, I was almost thinking I was having emphysema because of my chest muscles being so tight i had problems breathing. I was crying all the time and never leaving my bedroom other than to go pickup my methadone in the morning and just that was a HUGE effort, and the pharmacy is straight in front of my house the other side of the boulevard.
I also had an appointment with a methadone doc (i say 'a' because there is 6 methadone doctors at my center, at first i only saw 3 when i did my mandatory 6 days inpatient and in my follow ups i was always seeeing the same ones. But when I went there when I was in the worst part of benzo withdrawal, day 5, and apparently i scared the nurse who interviewed me before seeing the doc, i dont know how but i must have been talking and acting very erratically for her to have called a fucking security guard, the student doctor there called her boss and there she was, another freaking doctor again.
I hate that the service is so impersonal, I had to explain to her again i was clean and it was time for me to get my takehome privileges, but no, she said because of the way I was acting that if the next time I came in for my script and I was in a good mood then she would give me takehomes. I couldn't believe my ears, because i was in benzo withdrawal and feeling terrible nevermind the methadone, she had zero pity for me, didnt script valium for just the remaining 4 days i had to wait to refill my script even if i told her i was acting this way because of benz withdrawal. I didn't get mad much more than thought, there would have been no point and i dont know what the nurse told em but she clearly exagerated. I am not a threat and i was very peaceful given the circumstances. She told me I could stay at the hospital and my pdoc would come see me the next morning but really after this I just wanted to get the fuck out of there and bite my lip and suck it in that this doctor was the worst doctor i saw at the clinic yet.
But wow guys, finally, since I have my methadone at the right level, since I have my valium, which i gave the bottle to my mom so she would come and give me my 2 pills a day so i wouldnt ever get in this situation again. I feel wonderful, I have hope in the future, I feel like going back to college and get a master's in either chemistry or pharmacy now. I'm looking ahead with a positive light and I feel good for the first time, when alone, for the first time in half a decade. My pain is controlled, my sarcoidosis is in its end stage and about to go away according to my pneumologist and since I do not chase ahigh from methadone and just feel normal, i feel awesome and energetic and i dont try to potentiate it more than with a couple benadryls which is a much weaker dose. The methadone doc took liberty of calling my pdoc and give me a quick appointment, i dont see why though, i was given a 6 month refill for the valium, I don't know why i need to go see him but I will tell him the whole truth as he is a very comprehensive, although even a bit paternalistic psychiatrist, but i find it awesome he knows about dr ashton and believes in her way of managing slow benzo detox.
I feel full of life and I forgot how it was possible to be this happy, even when alone, I have felt happy with my friend with benefits karyna but its not the same, i am not a dependent person and i dont want to be and depend on a girl to be happy. I have to love and take care of myself first of all.
I want you people who might be a bit younger than me, or even maybe older people than me who are still deep in and unhappy. That yes, yes, it is possible to get out of your problems. It demands a lot of patience and acceptance of suffering. As long as you have good doctors who listen to you and treat you as a peer, im lucky i have those 2 BA's, i have to admit, but even then, just talking scientifically when you meet docs is a good way to have them respect you, acccept whatever script they want you on, and even if it is shit you didnt want to take at all and didnt take, like effexor, seroquel xr and other things the pdoc was trying to put me on also so I would lower my doses of needed benzos...he got to understand it doesnt work this way a nd it isnt that simple. I feel like i might have made my pdoc, which is the head of his department at my hospital, learn something.
I never thought I would get to feel myself again. Even if I live far away from what is supposed to be my real friends now (i went back to the city where i went to study in the past, Montreal). Hope is never gone. Never. Have a good one and thank you if you read this far.
~oblivion
) but I was a psy, weed, dissociative kind of person, i was always afraid of addictive drugs like opiates, cocaine etc. until I got severe health problems which are very painful and those caused me to develop a severe anxiety disorder because of how doctors would not help me no matter what happens to me, because they are so afraid to script true painkillers (not fucking celebrex and diclofenac) to people under 35 years old around here.2008 was the year where I started to go on self destructive all hope is lost train of thought. I had problems finishing the last math class to obtain my degree in pharmacy. I am a pharmacist who cannot be a pharmacist because I am unable to beat Linear Algebra And Vectorial Geometry.
The thing is I have severe ADD. Ritalin never helped me, in fact metylphenidate just made me feel like i had too much caffeine and gave me seizures a couple times when I was 18/19 and once i snorted 20mg of ritalin over some DOB blotter and I went batshit insane and I felt like I broke my brain , circa 2004.
I don't want to make this post too long but I cannot not tell about everything about me, I need the relief of extracting thoughts from my head in the most cohesive manner as therapy.
I have temporomandibular joint dysfunction, tubular dysfunction (problems with my ear/nose canals) and lung problems (sarcoidosis) inb4 Dr House joke...
In 2008 I started to shoot the dilaudid my dentist was scripting me very seldomly. (Why do doctors and dentist script painkillers for a long term problem for a short period of time anyway ? It's just being a fucking tease!) <snip>
I am on benzos since 2007, because how much time it took for doctors to acknowledge/actually diagnostic me with my pain problems/lung problems/ADD. I was almost thinking I was just crazy and hypochondriac, mostly because of that DOB+ Ritalin bad trip in 2004. Time does heal, it took so much time though for my brain to feel correct again that it ruined a lot of my post-college life. And I actually have 2 BA's, chemistry and pharmacy. Never worked with them ever. In 2008 when I had so much problem beating that damn math class i got into cocaine, actually not cocaine but freebase cocaine, <snip>
I failed that class again and just stopped to give fucks about anything. I wasted 10000k in 6 months from my student loans into cocaine, i would smoke homemade freebase i would make with ammonia every single from summer 2008 to feb 2009.<snip> And then I never was able to get a hit just as awesome. I was running after something I could no longer get. All while I was trying to find a compassionate doctor or dentist for my horrible jaw pain, ENT for my tubular dysfunction. My pneumologist has always been great though, I am grateful to him for giving me oral prednisolone during my sarcoidosis flare ups and Hycodan (pure hydrocodone syrup). Then I started to love opiates very much as the hycodan syrup took care of my pain AND cough, cough that hurt so bad I would get costochondritis from coughing so hard, which was giving me said chest pain. It even went up to the point where I developed tietze's syndrome, look it up if you dont know what it is.
Sometimes in early 2010 I made friends with a very cool guy who was older than me who a lot of contacts for people who sold prescription opiates (heroin just doesnt exist where I come from, the 10th largest and last metro area of canada, it is very remote and northern. We'd get anything but no heroin.)
He presented me to this guy who was one of the junkiest of all junkies I ever known. A very smart guy who was a slave to his opiates. And he doesnt even have pain problems. But this guy once got mad cos his docs cut him his methadone. He lives in a very small village in northern quebec and the pharmacies over there aren't super techno and it is easy to steal highly controlled meds.
When I got to that guy's place is where my opiate addiction started, but not to the extent it went later. He had went and took his script himself if you get what I mean. My friend Steve brings me to the guy, he had every fucking opiate in existence in the canadian pharmacopeia, cesamet, adderall, dexedrine. He robbed a pharmacy of all their whole fucking controlled meds.
I went out of his house with a shitload of MS Contins 60mg, Codeine Contins 100 and 200mg, Hydromorph Contins 24mg, Fake OC80's with fentanyl in them , instant release OXY IR 20mg, Dilaudid 8mg, Adderall XR (which is where I realized the answer to my add wasnt ritalin but that godly dexamphetamine), Cesamet 1mg, Talwin, Metadol (methadone for pain), Atasol (codeine 60mg, tylenol, caffeine), m-eslons 15,30,100mg, well you can picture the whole thing i guess
All of that stuff for just 200 dollars and I had opiates for 5 months and even if used daily. <snip>Things spiraled out of control when i went back to live with my mom as welfare even in canada isnt appropriate, unless I had doctors put me on invalidity then I had a little enough to not feel like I was breating under water from poverty. And my mom charged me pension which is normal and I have no objection that she did, she is a saint and I could never imagine her going away, at least not now, i havent accomplished anything since finally beating that math class with the help of those adderall xr's 25mg I had from that very cool junkie.
I got to know this guy who was on very high doses of hydromorphone, 4 x hydromorph contins 30mg, 12 x 4mg dilaudid a day, the brand name ones too, not shitty generic ones. By that time I had shot up but just a little, the 8mg yummy triangle dilaudids from when i met that guy and the dilaudid i got from the dentist, 1mg or 2mg ones. Which I mostly snorted. When living at my mom from 2010-july 2012 I had lost all hope and was gulping benzos and shooting opiates as often as I could recklessly and get into very cynical bands i always loved but which i got more into the lyrics of, example, Dead Kennedys, NoFX, Propagandhi, Leftover Crack, Crass etc. I stopped smokiong weed everyday around 2010 also, weed wasnt agreeing with me anymore same for psychedelics where i would just a constant panic attack until those drugs wore off.
When I went back to live by myself I had to pay rent again, so with my mere 730 dollars of temp disability a month, would only leave me about 175 dollars by myself once rent and food was obtained. But i had dexedrine script then, when i convinced my gp who wanted to put me on adderall xr that the levo amphetamine is crap and gives me even more chest pains. Which is NOT an issue with dexedrine. I got into shooting <snip> whatever the older guy with all those scripts would give me. <snip> I was only shooting the dilaudid which is pretty safe with a regular securip cup kit but i made the error of shooting the crushed up beads from hydromorph contins, which now sickens me, it couldnt have been safe with regular filters, but oh well, i did my best to always only obtain dilaudid.
Finally, the main point now, enough background. So i have to pay rent and food now, when i used to only need to pay 250 dollars to my mom to live at her house (I'm 30 now) which turned into 435 dollars for a 2 room and a toilet apartment....ridiculous how rent is these days, of course i could have had a cheaper apartment but i have a supermarket, bank, pharmacy and convenience store right in front of my apartment and I do not own a car so yeah it is very well placed. But I didn't have the money to feed my addiction anymore. I wasnt going to suck cocks as I have dignity and this thought repulses me. I started not to eat and stay up days on end on dexedrine and when i was feeling like i didnt feel good i would shoot up 4-8mg of dilaudid and then i'd feel like god, but still careless about myself.
I ended up owing that old guy 430 dollars, he wasnt willing to front me anymore and I was SICK, SIIIIIICK. I bit the bullet and went to an opiate detox. Suboxone isnt free in my province, i think its like 25 dollars a day, more expensive than my old addiction ! (i had those dilaudids for very cheap, lets say i didnt have to spend more than 80 dollars a week to feed my addiction). My only alternative was methadone.
Well it turns out methadone is wonderful and did save my life. Because I was thinking of suicide a little before going to detox. I am now stabilized at 60mg methadone, which i find awesome, as it is a low dose for the kind of dilaudid IV addiction I used to have. I am now painfree and this is all I ever wanted.
These guys at the detox wanted me off benzos and they weren't taking into account how much of a tolerance I had and how 20mg of valium was just the minimum to hold me these days. I had succeeded before that of dropping my benzo consumption by 66% with the help of my psychiatrist doing an ashton style kind of rivotril (clonazepam) detox with valium. Went from 50mg valium to 20mg valium a day and that was one of my proudest moments. Now I'm about to be given the okay to work very soon. I cannot get off benzos completely it seems i am totally unable to remove the valium from my life and damn, I want to get rid of all the shackles I am in. The valium allows me not to have to take huge doses of methadone. It took my psychiatrist to call the detox center into telling em not to remove my 20mg of valium. Because they had initiated a taper which was unreasonably fast in my opinion and badly done (it is not an ashton method they were trying to do here, hell no).
Last week I spent 6 days out of valium cos I was trying to get nods again with the methadone, also was adding hydroxyzine, promethazine, robaxet, anything to make it me nod. But I have learned to respect my valium script now, I suffered so hard last week, benzo withdrawal is the worst thing i have EVER experienced, even cold turkey from valium at a relatively low dose like 20mg. It made me tense up so badly, I was almost thinking I was having emphysema because of my chest muscles being so tight i had problems breathing. I was crying all the time and never leaving my bedroom other than to go pickup my methadone in the morning and just that was a HUGE effort, and the pharmacy is straight in front of my house the other side of the boulevard.
I also had an appointment with a methadone doc (i say 'a' because there is 6 methadone doctors at my center, at first i only saw 3 when i did my mandatory 6 days inpatient and in my follow ups i was always seeeing the same ones. But when I went there when I was in the worst part of benzo withdrawal, day 5, and apparently i scared the nurse who interviewed me before seeing the doc, i dont know how but i must have been talking and acting very erratically for her to have called a fucking security guard, the student doctor there called her boss and there she was, another freaking doctor again.
I hate that the service is so impersonal, I had to explain to her again i was clean and it was time for me to get my takehome privileges, but no, she said because of the way I was acting that if the next time I came in for my script and I was in a good mood then she would give me takehomes. I couldn't believe my ears, because i was in benzo withdrawal and feeling terrible nevermind the methadone, she had zero pity for me, didnt script valium for just the remaining 4 days i had to wait to refill my script even if i told her i was acting this way because of benz withdrawal. I didn't get mad much more than thought, there would have been no point and i dont know what the nurse told em but she clearly exagerated. I am not a threat and i was very peaceful given the circumstances. She told me I could stay at the hospital and my pdoc would come see me the next morning but really after this I just wanted to get the fuck out of there and bite my lip and suck it in that this doctor was the worst doctor i saw at the clinic yet.
But wow guys, finally, since I have my methadone at the right level, since I have my valium, which i gave the bottle to my mom so she would come and give me my 2 pills a day so i wouldnt ever get in this situation again. I feel wonderful, I have hope in the future, I feel like going back to college and get a master's in either chemistry or pharmacy now. I'm looking ahead with a positive light and I feel good for the first time, when alone, for the first time in half a decade. My pain is controlled, my sarcoidosis is in its end stage and about to go away according to my pneumologist and since I do not chase ahigh from methadone and just feel normal, i feel awesome and energetic and i dont try to potentiate it more than with a couple benadryls which is a much weaker dose. The methadone doc took liberty of calling my pdoc and give me a quick appointment, i dont see why though, i was given a 6 month refill for the valium, I don't know why i need to go see him but I will tell him the whole truth as he is a very comprehensive, although even a bit paternalistic psychiatrist, but i find it awesome he knows about dr ashton and believes in her way of managing slow benzo detox.
I feel full of life and I forgot how it was possible to be this happy, even when alone, I have felt happy with my friend with benefits karyna but its not the same, i am not a dependent person and i dont want to be and depend on a girl to be happy. I have to love and take care of myself first of all.
I want you people who might be a bit younger than me, or even maybe older people than me who are still deep in and unhappy. That yes, yes, it is possible to get out of your problems. It demands a lot of patience and acceptance of suffering. As long as you have good doctors who listen to you and treat you as a peer, im lucky i have those 2 BA's, i have to admit, but even then, just talking scientifically when you meet docs is a good way to have them respect you, acccept whatever script they want you on, and even if it is shit you didnt want to take at all and didnt take, like effexor, seroquel xr and other things the pdoc was trying to put me on also so I would lower my doses of needed benzos...he got to understand it doesnt work this way a nd it isnt that simple. I feel like i might have made my pdoc, which is the head of his department at my hospital, learn something.
I never thought I would get to feel myself again. Even if I live far away from what is supposed to be my real friends now (i went back to the city where i went to study in the past, Montreal). Hope is never gone. Never. Have a good one and thank you if you read this far.
~oblivion
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