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Mental Health had my first 'psychiatric crisis' this week

SilverFeniks

SilverFeniks

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 2, 2002
Messages
4,541
I've been off BL for a long time, so I'm sure most members have no idea who I am .. as I am posting from my phone I'll try to keep this brief.

Cliff notes: Been depressive since age 13 (meds and shrinks did nothing). Dropped out of the system for about a dozen years, finally cycled through some ADs and then was diagnosed bipolar. Been on a steady diet of lamotrigine & risperidone for a couple years.
Used plenty of illicit subs in my time, but with the exception of some pills last year, I keep it clean other than a couple beers & bowls most days.

Been fairly stable for a while, no breaks in meds for a year. They don't solve all my problems but usually keep me in check.
So last week on Monday, all is normal .. out of nowhere I'm hit with a crippling, suicidal depression accompanied by physical symptoms (anxiety, shakiness, nausea, IBS). All week, every hour, I was experiencing incredible anguish and had to try very hard not to hurt myself. It felt exactly as if I had quit my meds cold-turkey, except I hadn't deviated at all.

I'd been trying to schedule A Psych appointment for 2 months .. i'd been Rx'd quiteapine in January for lingering depression/insomnia but had a terrible reaction & only took it twice. My shrink quit so I was waitlisted by my HMO & told it would be 3 months to see a new Dr.

I'm very resistant to any sort of medical intervention, but I was damn near turning myself into the local psychiatric crisis center. If I wouldnt lose my career and license due to being officially labeled "Mentally Ill" I'd probably be locked up right now.
Instead I phoned around in desperation, found my HMO had an emergency psych hotline. They couldnt get me a psych appointment for weeks or advise me to take more of my meds, but after blowing up their phone they told me to go to Urgent Care Friday nite to make sure I didn't have something 'medically wrong' with me.

I reported in and was finally advised I could increase my risperidone dose 25% and discharged with an anti-nausea Rx.

Feeling progressively better this weekend. Felt emotionless and tired when I dosed as recommended, so now I'm underdosing my risperidone, as I don't see how it relates to my depression and have long worried about the long-term effects.
Don't have any followup appointments scheduled and have a full workweek ahead of me ... Pretty scared right now as I still have no idea what happened or how to prevent it in the future.

Hoping to use this NDE to improve myself ... Went running for the first time in months, haven't smoked herb for 5days ... Can't quite cut back on the bier tho.

Thanks for the long read. Don't really know why I'm sharing but perhaps someone has some insight for me. Feels now like a one-time (week) event but not sure I can live through it again without being hospitalized, which is my greatest fear.
 
I'm not sure if I have any insight but it sounds like you did what you had to and kept a very cool head in a crisis so congrats on that. How do you feel about the psychiatrist you are working with? Why do you not have an appointment scheduled? This seems pretty important and I would want someone to look into what might have happened. Do you get any other support besides the psychiatrist?

Sorry about all the questions....just trying to get a better picture.
 
The Psych I had resigned last month. I hadn't seen her since October tho I had a phone appointment in January, but wasn't able to get a followup before she left.
My HMO now is trying to set me up with some ex-Army Doctor which I'm not quite pleased about. Not sure I could be very open with a military male type.

No other support really. My family doesn't understand what I go through. I have to hide it at work as I lost my cool a few times at my last job and had to quit because of it. I have a couple friends but they're busy with kids .. so I thought I'd hit up Bluelight again ;)
 
Hi SF, I remember you. Are you still in Oregon? Regardless, glad to see you back.

By "NDE" are you referring to a near death experience? It can certainly feel that way when the shakiness and panic set in, particularly after a change in medical professionals. Is your living situation stable?
 
Hi Mariposa
I hope you are doing well.

Yes, still up North. I live alone but stable as I'm doing well at my job.

Managed to get an appt set up with a new Psychiatrist today .. it's 2months out but she sounds like a good person.

Still feeling a bit on edge but last week feels distant. I guess my brain just crashed and needed to reboot.
Hoping to take advantage of Spring and improve myself a bit in the interim. I'm getting too old to keep living the same life.
 
Ho-Chi-Minh said:
You really should get a sooner appointment. And please take drugs exactly as prescribed.
Click to expand...

That's the soonest I could get an appt. 7 months since my last one .. not sure I have faith in this HMO anymore, hah.
I have trouble taking meds as I'm so opposed to chemical intervention and have never had much faith in the Drs I've seen. I know what happens when I quit them tho (same sh*t I just went through)

This week I'm almost feeling worse .. not breaking down or feeling sick, but numb and devoid of emotion. 'Be careful what you wish for" I guess.
 
I hate to turn this into my own depressive emo-blog, but I'm desperate to end this cycle of manic-depression and addiction.

So following my week of abject depression was a week of dead-soul-itis. This week it's been riding the manic edge with a major case of alcoholism.
Many things in my life are changing rapidly but I feel scared & powerless to keep up.

I had to cancel my Psych appointment next month because of a unique job opportunity which I can't imagine dealing with but couldn't turn down.
Have a G.P appointment in 2 weeks (doctor I've only seen twice for 10 minutes, thanks HMO) .. I need to make the most of it as I have zero support otherwise. In the meantime not sure how to avoid trying to destroy myself on a daily basis.
 
Aw, SilverFeniks, I'm so sorry to hear that you are on such a roller coaster. Don't worry about posting as much as you need to--that's what this forum is here for! I hope the doctor can offer something hopeful. Meantime, here's the best I can do: (((<3)))
 
Hi SF. i'm genuinely sorry for what you're going through.
if meds aren't helping that much, why not try something like meditation? it may sound like some new age BS, but i can assure you it isn't. i only have been doing it for like a month and i already see results (though i don't have serious anxiety/depression issues) and i think that it's something that really really helps esp in the long term.
and also it doesn't have the side effects drugs induce.
another thing that should help is regular exercise, if you have time that is
 
meditation was very helpful for me for over a year. I couldn't have done so well in all aspects of my life without it.
 
^ I am encouraged that mindfulness and meditation are being embraced more and more by the psychiatric world. For many people this is translating into being able to use medications far more sparingly.
 
Thought I'd chip in and give my two cents. I know what it's like being bipolar as I was diagnosed with it two years ago myself, While I can't complain about the beautiful, effervescent euphoric hypomanias, I know how awful and soul-destroying the depressions can be and so can sympathize with the plight you've been going through recently a lot. You've probably heard this before, but if you're trying to get your mental health back on track you really should cut out all recreational drugs, including even the relatively benign beer and bud. It really can fuck with our cycles - I learn this lesson the hard way, and found that when I went drug free for a while I found a degree of stability that I hadn't had in ages. I probably should take some of my own advice really, since I've been relatively well I've gone back to abusing heroin and even though I haven't been using long enough to get a physical habit I know that quitting is probably going to plunge me back into depression - but I digress. I highly recommend staying on your medication and cutting back on alcohol. I hope you feel better soon!
 
Yeah I'm finally done smoking herb (down from daily to about once a month) but still drinking like it's going out of style. Never had any luck cutting back. Runs in the family. Almost desperate enough to seek medical help but it won't come soon enough, have a business trip coming up that I'm freaking out about.
Had to cancel all my scheduled Dr. appointments (physical and mental) due to my work schedule. Too afraid to pick up the phone again but for now I'm treading water, until the next big wave hits.

I've tried the 'mindfulness'/meditation thing and other alternative remedies but can't get into the paradigm. I'm always on edge in the city and can't find a moment's peace unless I'm asleep. Haven't been exercising at all due to illness/injury/drinking unfortunately.

I have a long history of failure in trying to better myself, hoping to find a consistant source of motivation but I don't have much positive incentive in my life. Feeling my age and ill health lately though, mortality is a frightening thing to face even when you place little value on your own life
 
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Well, for what it is worth, I hope that you can slow down and get to your appointments soon. I just always hear so much exhaustion in your posts and you can't go on like that forever. <3
 
Exhaustion is a good word ..

Ignoring all my unrelated, narcissistic personal problems, has anyone ever encountered a similar situation to my OP? Completely stable on meds yet having an unexplained sudden breakdown?
I've never heard of a physical illness having such profound mental symptoms but I have to wonder if I had some sort of viral infection that mimicked suicidal symptoms with accompanying physical symptoms as I can't reconcile any alternative. I was halfway through both bottles of meds so a bad batch is ruled out.

Too distracted to worry about it happening again, but if it does it will strike without warning and I'll be completely unprepared once again
 
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