Desperate Had a major scare around midday…thought it was episode #14…or was it?

[Flynnal]

Things are getting pretty fucking desperate. I had what I thought was what the start of my 14th episode would be…boom a sudden whine in right ear and a loss of some hearing, the worst of it lasted a couple of minutes before returning to what I thought was my baseline but it’s hard to tell if there has been yet more residual damage. Did another hearing test with headphones but they only test so much.

I don’t know much, but if this happens again especially more then once today I’m going to the ER for an urgent talk with an ENT because I need blood thinners there is simply not other causal factor. I can’t see how anything other than fucking microclots can cause this.

And yes if I suffer any further distortions/damage/worsening of my hearing then I’m going to enact the plan. I have my will written up and according to a solicitor I don’t need to worry about registering it. I just got a nice inheritance but hey I don’t think I’ll be the one (or should I say a few) who will be enjoying. Someone else will be the way things are headed.

I might even enact the plan just out of sheer desperation and being fed up with all this fucking panic and stress.

 

[Flynnal]

UPDATE: Multiple scares today. These didn't involve tinnitus, just a major fluctuation in hearing in one side lasting a few seconds, followed seemingly by a return to normal. Happened about 12 times over the space of two hours. Ended up having a complete breakdown and had to be taken to urgent care. What did the doctors do there? They contacted my neurosurgeons to get my appointment pushed forwards (I see them in December). Of course, no blood thinners, so no way to really prevent this from happening it this strikes again. Again, I suspect microclots and I suspect that I will die by suicide if this keeps destroying my hearing. Luckily today my hearing isn't any further distorted or harmed any more than it already has been, so I guess that's just dumb luck.

But I'm absolutely utterly fucking sick of this and I'm in the process of writing my goodbye note because I know that without the appropriate treatment to PREVENT this from happening, it's going to fuck one or maybe even both of my ears over and over again, and distort them and damage them permanently, with no recourse, by that time steroids and blood thinners etc won't be of any use. The only thing that will help me would be a bottle of barbiturates...which I DID have, but don't have any more...due to my own stupidity. I know I should have never thrown away that pentobarbital, I know I should have waited until I KNEW that the hearing loss was permanent back in June 2020. Thankfully it recovered but the pentobarbital is gone for good. Flushed down the drain. No longer available to me. I had vinylbital back in 2015 but I think I lost it during a move to a new apartment. I don't know how I managed to lose just one but kept the other...maybe that's because I put it in a different box with the throwaway stuff. What a shame. I wish I could find it because I know someday soon I'm going to need it to get out of here.

This most recent scare has only served to reinforce my plan and to remind me that my body does not belong to me, it belongs to some sick and fucking twisted entity that wants ME to suffer. For who? I'm not suffering for me, and I'm not suffering for anyone else. As long as the suffering is temporary and not for too long, then I'm fine. But this suffering is forever and there's just no fucking way this is how it's gonna be. This should really be the end. I know people who would of unalived themselves if they went through like half of this shit I been through. Most people don't have the patience that I have...but I am not playing with this any more.

 

[Flynnal]

Made a final decision this week. I decided that there is absolutely to be no more of this. The mini scare worried me as sometimes they portend something serious as in a major attack. I cannot take any more, so have started writing a note. This is ideation obviously, with no concrete plan as to how it will be done.

Was at the doctors three day ago, and guess what? No help from the doctor. They don't want to try what I've demonstrated was successful for one guy who used certain medications - I suspect two of them did all the heavy lifting, as any intelligent man would presume, as a preventive...but no luck and I nearly got kicked out of the appointment for a cussword. Something only my parents have ever done to me. But there's no going back now. This is really fucked and done. I cannot go on like this, with constant anxiety and fear, and stress, and the emotional turmoil and upheaval. This has to end, and I've decided that should number 14 pop up on the lottery ball that's pretty much fucking it. Finished. Final. Done. Dusted.

 

[Flynnal]

Well, I've now had 17 episodes. I'm still here. I haven't pressed the ESC key on this game they call life. I believe I've sustained even more damage, to my left side to be specific. Crazy ass disease this is. I'm on some new medication, I think baclofen and it helps me not ruminate about bad stuff. The only downside is the sexual function is dampened substantially. Not nearly as bad as SSRIs, but almost as bad as pregabalin.