Growing depression I can't shake: A good life with a broken soul...

[SaosinEngaged]

I could ramble here for a thousand paragraphs about all the events in my life, the good, the bad, the surprising, the mundane. All I really feel like doing is reaching out to you guys who could possibly be in a similar situation and help me out with some thoughts or words of encouragement, because fuck...I really need some right now.

By all accounts, I really have a good life, minus addiction of course. I had friends in high school, always did well in school (although I still haven't finished college and that is a major source of my depression because I've made the decision to work for my family, more on that in a bit), and now am on the cusp of getting married and recently purchased a house. From the outside, you'd think I have a wonderful life. I want to have a wonderful life. I want to FEEL like I have a wonderful life. But that's where depression just shits on everything positive you have going for you. No matter how good things could be, somehow the shit-tinted glasses over my eyes are on there with duct-tape and I've yet to find a way to pull them off.

I'm about 3/4th of the way through a Psychology degree at a decent University, but haven't taken a class in over a year. I decided to work for my family's business, specifically for my father. While I make decent money, I have a terrible relationship with my father (he takes care of me financially but is an absolute prick) and the job I actually have is incredibly stressful and difficult. It takes everything out of me just to get dressed in the morning. I'll often come home, watch TV, and become even more depressed watching all the successful and intelligent people on the Science channel doing all these things to make the world better, and here I am, incapable of even finishing college, working a shitty job and all around just being a miserable human being.

Cue my drug use. It started benignly enough about three years ago. Oxycodone was/is my muse. Only drug I care about, only drug I use on a regular basis. In the beginning (first year 1/2), I had almost no depression using. I mean, it was just bliss. I had enough willpower to only use once a day and keep my tolerance from rising almost at all for a long time. It was no financial burden on my and I'd just come home from work and get high while playing my favorite video games (WoW, Starcraft, etc) for hours waiting for my fiancee to return home from work. Life was pretty good, actually.

Then I got into a major accident (hit by a drunk driver) who literally blew apart my back. Now I'm prescribed a shit-ton of medications round the clock and more Oxycodone than I ever used on my own. Now I have a full blown addiction and in the past 8 months my tolerance has gone up exponentially. I'm now doing over 180mg/day and I derive no pleasure from the activity any more. I can take double my usual dose and get almost no euphoria, just a slight buzz and mood lift. It's like it lost its effectiveness on me, and for the first time in three years I'm left to deal with my depression without a crutch.

Here's a snapshot: Today (Sunday), I'm off and my fiancee is working all day. I literally laid in bed for six hours watching An Idiot Abroad. Couldn't be motivated to do anything (not even eat), except smoke 3 cigarettes. The very idea of even showering was like torturous. I was so down I couldn't even play video games which has ALWAYS been an effective escape for me. To add to it all, I was in minor W/D because I've run out of medication and have to wait until Tuesday to get my usual RX's.

Come tomorrow, it'll take every ounce of my soul to just get out of bed and go to work. And that's no joke.

My life is much better around my fiancee; she truly makes me happy. But she's extremely hard working and works about 60 hours/week. Also mostly at night. So I rarely get to see her unfortunately and that places an even bigger burden on me.

Honestly, I'm well aware my situation does NOT sound that bad at all. Like I've mentioned, that's the weird thing about depression. It will take people in good/semi good situations and make them feel like they're the most unlucky/miserable person on the planet. I just don't know what to do. THe last thing I want is to get on an anti-depressant, another drug with an even more hellish WD cycle. Yet I feel like with every passing day my depression grows, unrelenting. I get so sad and down sometimes I'll spontaneously cry, for no reason at all. Just sad, pissed off, upset at the world, etc.

And to make it all worse, my favorite crutch has been useless the past couple months. Like I said, I have been getting very little of the old euphoria I used to get from Oxy. It's like my tolerance went up several orders of magnitude. Where 60mg usually (as of a month ago) made me almost nod, 120mg right now will just give me a buzz. It's bizarre. My usage patterns haven't even changed.

I know I've rambled quite a bit more than I intended to here, but in a way it's almost cathartic. I just need any advice at this point really, the most oppressive symptom is the crushing anhedonia, where I can't even turn on my PS3 and get a little escapism. It's getting worse. The only activity I ever feel like doing is laying in bed. Everything else, and I REALLY mean everything else, I have no will to do at all.

EDIT: I should add because I didn't emphasize it enough, my depression has really peaked since that accident. It has changed my life. I am unable to do any phyiscal activity including working out (which is something I've always enjoyed), walking, surfing, even traveling is extremely difficult (driving is a challenge, planes forget it). It is a major contributing factor to this mental mess I'm in, but certainly not the only factor.

 

[stardust.hero]

Hi there I'm glad you found it in you to post here on Bluelight and to search for an answer to your problem.

Honestly, I'm well aware my situation does NOT sound that bad at all.

Actually, I would never wish an opiate addiction and the depression that comes with in on anyone. You have no reason to feel guilty about explaining your pain and your problems to us. The entire opiate cycle is a losing painful battle.

I do believe though, that at this point you seem to be stuck in a plateau type situation. The opiates you are doing are not equating to the amount of tolerance you have. I would imagine you are going to get similar depression that a person completely detoxing from opiates is going to experience. I would think it would be appropriate to say cut opiates altogether and then you will start to see the depression lift. But seeing as you have actual physical problems that warrant opiates for pain management, that is probably not possible.

I would say you may need to look into alternate treatment for your depression. I personally believe the opiates are a good contributor to it so if you have to continue using them, you may need to seek out an another means to help combat the depression until your back heals.

This is just my personal opinion. Perhaps someone else can chime in with better advice as this is just coming off the top of my head as an opinion I have towards opiates.

Goodluck to you though, and keep your head up!

 

[FordRiverFailed]

Just my 2 cents this is my personal story not what I think you should do.

Opiates masked my depression at first, but once I level out and become tolerant/addicted it comes right back. For me I'd just keep raising the dose to fight the depression but a person can only do so much, eventually it just stopped working and it's no road to go down. Wish I had better advice than that, since you need the opiates for pain I'm not sure what to do. Hope someone else can help. There are some really smart people on bluelight, someone should have some good advice.

 

[theseeker]

You shouldn't belittle the gravity of your situation here- it bothers you and that's enough for it to be taken seriously. Also, you're struggling with opiate addiction. While there are people who take wayyyy more than you here on BL- taking 180mg a day- and feeling no buzz at all- is nothing to sneeze at. This is going to be a problem that you'll have to address in the future, obviously, but I can see why you're concerned now.

Would you be open to talking to a therapist about all this? I go to CBT once a week and it helps me greatly. It would probably really help to talk all this over with someone who's outside your circle of friends/ family. Also, they'd be able to help you plan out how you'll deal with your life as you see it now and where you might be able to take it. I highly recommend this.

Also- I have a bit of advice that worked for me but I realize it might just be particular to my view of life. Question: why buy a house right now when you're still so young? Why toe yourself down with that considerable financial responsibility. I ask because I'm so grateful that (1) I haven't gotten married yet, (2) I have no kids, and (3) I don't own a house. I didn't necessarily choose to live this way but I'm so glad that I have. Because of my circumstances- I have been able to pick-up and move rather easily- which allowed me to get an advanced degree and move across the country to get an awesome job that pays me well. I'm 43 and I've gotten done pretty much all I could reasonably ask of myself in my life so far- and it's been facilitated by the fact that I haven't been tied down. Again, this might just be right for me and wouldn't fit you at all, but you should give some serious thought, serious thought to settling down at a young age. We often think we need to keep in lock-step with what's expected of us in society and it's a big, big mistake. I'm so thankful my life has gone the way it has.

Don't get me wrong, I've had some pretty lonely, desperate times on this journey but it really couldn't have worked out better. That said, maybe you've thought all this through ad nauseum and in the end all we can do is make our best guess at what will bring us happiness. Nothing is certain.

 

[SaosinEngaged]

I greatly appreciate all the responses so far, no matter how detailed or brief. I'll respond to them more in depth tomorrow as I'm about ready to begin my sleeping rituals (also burdened by crippling insomnia). EDIT: I just realized this response ended up being a brief novel LOL

To theseeker: First of all thanks for taking the time to provide such a detailed recommendation. I really appreciate it. I've thought about seeing a therapist but have some personal reservations about it. I've never really been the type to displace my problems on others, even though I know it's in my best interests to do so at this point, and that's quite literally their job. But also, I don't want to be told about all these wonderful medications that can "help" me, when the last thing I want to do is get on any anti-depressant with a laundry list of complications and a horrific WD profile. Obviously I'm sure I can go without, but one of the biggest reservations is I've always felt like it would take me months to even begin to detail all the little nuances in my life that caused me to be where I'm at. I know this sounds silly, but for whatever reason I've objected to it for some time and will need some pushing to finally do it and call someone.

Secondly, I completely respect the way you've lived your life, and for you, that's CERTAINLY the way to go. For me, I've had relationships my whole life, moreso than the average person. I happen to meet THE ONE, and I mean, THE ONE at the right time, and we've been together for four blissful years now. She complements every aspect of me and we have a deeply intimate, reciprocating, and compromising relationship that I KNOW I'd never find in another woman. I'm also 24, and while I know that's young relatively, I've always been mature for my age. I have triple A credit and have always been supremely fiscally responsible. While a home is certainly a large financial burden, living at home is no option with or without my fiancee and having my own house is a large comfort through all of this.

And to reiterate, the thought of marrying my fiancee is the most profoundly happy and closest thing to blissful accomplishment as I've had in my life; she's my rock and our relationship has been the one constant keeping me from being in an even worse emotional state. I'm also going to be a father soon, and while it would frighten many, especially at my age, I'm very ready to welcome the addition. While I understand all my issues have to be shelved in order to properly raise our new little bundle, it's a responsibility I'll welcome with open arms.

While there are times I struggle to take a shower, as I've mentioned, the thought of caring for a child, who is completely dependent upon you and looks at you as god, well, I think it's one of the only things that may turn my mental state around. Pure, unconditional love.

I hope I've convinced you that these decisions were ones I felt pressured into, but rather embraced fully. That's the strange irony I hoped to detail in my original post; that superficially I have a wonderful life and my depression has little to do with my situation.

The ONLY thing that has bothered me is the fact that I've yet to get my degree. However, the reason I feel depressed over that is because it's completely my fault. I wasted too much time during college doing other things instead of concentrating. I took 2-3 classes per semester and generally just was lax about the whole ordeal. I have a very good opportunity with my current job to live a successful life, despite the hardships with it. The bigger issue is that I've always seen myself as a scientist doing something I love, coming from a place of passion. The career I have is one borne of financial necessity, not love. But it begs the question, which is more important?

The points you touch upon resonates greatly with my thoughts of many of the social problems going on in the United States today. Children are children much too long and lack responsibility and integrity. Our society has over-emphasized a party culture of little to no responsibility, and parents today are busy not being true parents. I've met college grads around my age with zero interpersonal skills and that are still completely naive to the world. It really saddens me. I guess on one hand there's benefits to being a "child" so to speak well into your 30's, one being limitless education and time to sort things out, but I've always wanted to live. I've always wanted to have a family and be a father. Those have always been big aspiration of mine, and I've been lucky enough to find a woman so dear to me that I've been given a chance at that.

I should mention I have a family history of depression and anxiety disorder, so part of this may be a bit out of my control. But this depression has come on gradually over the years, touches of it during my teens, a bit more in my early 20's, and peaking right about now. It is also a-typical in the sense that when I'm around and with my fiancee, it's GREATLY ameliorated. The problem being I just can't be with her as much as I'd like, because she has a similar sense of responsibility and work ethic to myself.

I see some potential resolution in having her work to be able to spend more time with me, but I'd never ask her to sacrifice her success for my well-being. I simply cherish the time I do get to spend with her and we at least have one day off together a week.

And lastly, the only real financial burden thus far has been my addiction. I spend just about all of my luxury income on opiates, and if I wasn't doing that, I'd be in a much better situation with bills and probably have a lot less anxiety.

EDIT: One other thing. Another aspect is that I have no friendships. Over the years, I've simply outgrown all the friendships I've had. Most of them were worse off than myself, horribly drug addicted and just irresponsible, shady people. I also have a difficult time relating to anyone around my age. Most are still at bars every night worrying about the woman they're bringing home, and I'm building a family and a future. That in and of itself, loneliness, is a huge factor in why I've been so down. It also explains why when I am with my fiancee, things are much improved.

 

[liftedgift]

I can defiantly relate, I suffer from depression but know ALOT of people out there have it worse and still get by. I've been sober for almost 6 months now and still feel down, so yes maybe the drugs don't help your depression but I don't think it causes it. I mean I think I just have it, but I have found that regular exercise is seriously the best thing for me to do. It feels like my life is just work with no time to play, because I'm still learning how to live without drugs.

But after I exercise I can feel all the endorphins and chemicals releasing, which is defiantly no opiate high but shit when you got nothing else it feels good. It's almost like a drug because if I stop training I almost get a w/d and feel like shit.

Basically my advice would be to keep searching for things that make you happy in this short time we have in life, because really that is all you can do. I wake up some days feeling like absolute shit for no reason, I have thought about getting on anti-depressants but I try to find every other alternative then taking a pill. Solve the actual problem, not the symptom ya know? But it is hard when sometimes you don't even know what the problem is if that makes sense.

 

[SaosinEngaged]

That's some great advice man, thank you. And you just said what my issue is, except completely and accurately condensed into a sentence or two:

Solve the problem, not the symptom, except it's harder when you don't know what the problem is. The summation of my two posts is that I simply don't know what the problem is, I just know one thing it's not (the beautiful girl who's stood by me through thick and thin).

 

[pammy]

I visited my psychiatrist recently as i suffer from bipolar disorder band now im apparantly in need of anti depression pillos,im in such a low mood lately im losing the will to carry on lifes feeling to much to hard work to carry on living.Im just mentally worn out and inside im getting to the point of feeling totally numb i hate the way i am at the moment its unfair on my partner who may i add has been my rock always i wouldnt be still here it it wernt nfor him i love him so much but he deserves a lot better than somebody like me i feel so lost and sad.I dont deserve him im lucky and i realise that so i know that ill never take him for granted.