junkieman412
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 17, 2012
- Messages
- 166
Not looking for pity here i know we all have grief its good to get this shit out sometimes.
From 7th grade on i had a series of very close friends die by gruesome and terrible accidents and the like.
In 7th grade my cousin and her best friend had their heads ran over by a train when they were putting pennies on a railroad track. After that shit just started happening. By 7th grade i was already experimenting and had some very self destructive behavior all my family are drunks or addicts or have that kind of personality. I couldn't cry at their funerals. I was too young and it was too traumatic for me to process. The next year my friend jess was killed in a car accident. It was oddly the same place in a road where 2 yrs prior on the same day 2 high schoolers from a town over flipped their car and were killed.
I was supposed to be in that car. We were all at a party and my boy asked me to come for a ride and match him a couple joints. For some odd reason, it was 10:30 and I just decided to walk home. I was a partier then and that decision still baffles me. I believe it was god saving me. Her funeral was one of the most difficult i went through. Three of my friends sang john denvers leaving on a jet plane and just lost it right in the middle of it. I will never forget that. I will also never forget the call i got the morning after the accident. I received many of those calls throughout high school.
The next year my friend Seth, an angel on earth, truly. He was involved in an accident with a drunk driver who hit a telephone pole at 110 mph. I will never forget that call in the morning either. Seth sat next to me in spanish. God his empty motherfucking seat killed me man.
The following year Seths cousin Killed himself. I feel somewhat guilty about this because he had been buying speed off me and trading me his pills for them. I almost feel like since i knew he was out of control had i shut him off or not taken his medication if he would still be alive today.
The year after that My friends brad and dan were on their way to the city to take their army entrance exams. I was also to be in that car that day but for some reason backed out at the last minute and didn't go. My father was a state trooper and was the first one on the scene. A tractor trailer jacknifed and took the roof of the car off along with my friends heads. That could have been me my father came upon.
After that my boy luke hung himself.
I may even be missing one of them because from 7th grade through graduation i went to a funeral every year. I have all their obits but i really dont want to dig through them
I also have a newspaper clipping with someones mom who talks about how some of us every went to a funeral every year since middle school.
By the time i was out of high school i was numb to everything. And using insane, wreckless amounts of everything i could find. I started doing h when i was 15, i sold acid and many club drugs and used all of them, i sold speed and used it a lot. Anything i could get my hands on i would do, and heroin was the constant along with everything else. I would go so far as to mix a quarter gram of glass with 5-7 bags of dope just for something to fucking do. I would speedball and eat handfulls of xanax while doing it. Probably drinking too.
After high school a good friend of mine who we shared a birthday and always had our birthday parties together was found dead with a needle still in his arm. I feel partly responsible for that because i sold him dope after he left rehab. he didn't od on my shit tho. He mixed xanax methadone and cocaine and it was fatal.
My sisters husbands brother shot himself, my sisters best friend whom i knew as well od'd.
You know i could have been in both of those cars that wrecked but i feel god saved me. I have been dead overdosed and shocked back to life. I have driven on copious amounts of narcotics doing 100 mph nodding off the whole way of a 110 mile trip. Sometimes i feel lucky.
Sometimes i feel like it should have been me because those people could have offered more to the world than my reject fucked up addict ass ever did.
Today i live knowing that i need to do better for those that didn't have the chance. That I need to be grateful for my life and the chance i have that so many close to me didn't.
It took me years to get over that but i don't know if i ever did. I was so numb that i couldn't grieve for them properly. I am bipolar and find myself in tears sometimes over almost nothing. I have had a little therapy but i can't help but think subconsciously that this is shit coming up from my past that i can not hold in. Cause thats what i do "man up" and hold it in. Its hard for me to really get a good cry out and get better from it. Along with relatives that passed where i couldn't cry.
When clean i went through my grandmothers funeral and was able to properly grieve for her and also very tough and full of tears was chosen to read the 23rd psalm at her funeral. My 2 aunts who hadn't seen me since i was down to 130 pounds actually cried when they saw me because they thought i was going to die and at the funeral i weighed 190 and was healthy and they both hugged me and cried and said we thought we lost you.
I'm just posting and processing here but anyone who wants to let some shit out go ahead. The point came to be here in the end how good it feels to grieve someone properly, and how once clean, for several months, it is possible to start working through the grief of those lost before. You may feel guilty it wasn't you, you may feel guilty you didn't cry, but honor their memory and live for each day they didn't have.
Dunno where i'm going but if anyone else wants to post anything they have feel free
From 7th grade on i had a series of very close friends die by gruesome and terrible accidents and the like.
In 7th grade my cousin and her best friend had their heads ran over by a train when they were putting pennies on a railroad track. After that shit just started happening. By 7th grade i was already experimenting and had some very self destructive behavior all my family are drunks or addicts or have that kind of personality. I couldn't cry at their funerals. I was too young and it was too traumatic for me to process. The next year my friend jess was killed in a car accident. It was oddly the same place in a road where 2 yrs prior on the same day 2 high schoolers from a town over flipped their car and were killed.
I was supposed to be in that car. We were all at a party and my boy asked me to come for a ride and match him a couple joints. For some odd reason, it was 10:30 and I just decided to walk home. I was a partier then and that decision still baffles me. I believe it was god saving me. Her funeral was one of the most difficult i went through. Three of my friends sang john denvers leaving on a jet plane and just lost it right in the middle of it. I will never forget that. I will also never forget the call i got the morning after the accident. I received many of those calls throughout high school.
The next year my friend Seth, an angel on earth, truly. He was involved in an accident with a drunk driver who hit a telephone pole at 110 mph. I will never forget that call in the morning either. Seth sat next to me in spanish. God his empty motherfucking seat killed me man.
The following year Seths cousin Killed himself. I feel somewhat guilty about this because he had been buying speed off me and trading me his pills for them. I almost feel like since i knew he was out of control had i shut him off or not taken his medication if he would still be alive today.
The year after that My friends brad and dan were on their way to the city to take their army entrance exams. I was also to be in that car that day but for some reason backed out at the last minute and didn't go. My father was a state trooper and was the first one on the scene. A tractor trailer jacknifed and took the roof of the car off along with my friends heads. That could have been me my father came upon.
After that my boy luke hung himself.
I may even be missing one of them because from 7th grade through graduation i went to a funeral every year. I have all their obits but i really dont want to dig through them
I also have a newspaper clipping with someones mom who talks about how some of us every went to a funeral every year since middle school.By the time i was out of high school i was numb to everything. And using insane, wreckless amounts of everything i could find. I started doing h when i was 15, i sold acid and many club drugs and used all of them, i sold speed and used it a lot. Anything i could get my hands on i would do, and heroin was the constant along with everything else. I would go so far as to mix a quarter gram of glass with 5-7 bags of dope just for something to fucking do. I would speedball and eat handfulls of xanax while doing it. Probably drinking too.
After high school a good friend of mine who we shared a birthday and always had our birthday parties together was found dead with a needle still in his arm. I feel partly responsible for that because i sold him dope after he left rehab. he didn't od on my shit tho. He mixed xanax methadone and cocaine and it was fatal.
My sisters husbands brother shot himself, my sisters best friend whom i knew as well od'd.
You know i could have been in both of those cars that wrecked but i feel god saved me. I have been dead overdosed and shocked back to life. I have driven on copious amounts of narcotics doing 100 mph nodding off the whole way of a 110 mile trip. Sometimes i feel lucky.
Sometimes i feel like it should have been me because those people could have offered more to the world than my reject fucked up addict ass ever did.
Today i live knowing that i need to do better for those that didn't have the chance. That I need to be grateful for my life and the chance i have that so many close to me didn't.
It took me years to get over that but i don't know if i ever did. I was so numb that i couldn't grieve for them properly. I am bipolar and find myself in tears sometimes over almost nothing. I have had a little therapy but i can't help but think subconsciously that this is shit coming up from my past that i can not hold in. Cause thats what i do "man up" and hold it in. Its hard for me to really get a good cry out and get better from it. Along with relatives that passed where i couldn't cry.
When clean i went through my grandmothers funeral and was able to properly grieve for her and also very tough and full of tears was chosen to read the 23rd psalm at her funeral. My 2 aunts who hadn't seen me since i was down to 130 pounds actually cried when they saw me because they thought i was going to die and at the funeral i weighed 190 and was healthy and they both hugged me and cried and said we thought we lost you.
I'm just posting and processing here but anyone who wants to let some shit out go ahead. The point came to be here in the end how good it feels to grieve someone properly, and how once clean, for several months, it is possible to start working through the grief of those lost before. You may feel guilty it wasn't you, you may feel guilty you didn't cry, but honor their memory and live for each day they didn't have.
Dunno where i'm going but if anyone else wants to post anything they have feel free
