First, some confessions. Feel free to skip.
So here's to hoping that Goose turns out to be a good guy (if he turns out at all - I have not heard back from him, although to be fair he did say he will be working long hours the following week). I'd be happy to keep with him and not find other guys for the same purpose as a second-best thing to a loving relationship.
But even if he did not love me, at least he showed the capacity to understand me far more so that anyone I'd met yet (as far as sexuality goes). He has crystallized in my imagination some very specific qualities I seek in a man: I am very attracted to power, and that does not necessarily mean muscle. Here is a scrawny guy who managed to obliterate me, and it is through his paradoxical nature that he managed to make me rethink my sexuality.
But the key here is that power to me is the expression of strength or influence that is tempered with an equal capacity for understanding or empathy. Very few people seem to be able to wield power as such.
There is a small amount of kind-hearted people who have lots of heart and little strength, and these are wonderful to have in one's life and I might even make love to them because of that, but they don't turn me on at my core.
There are also countless people who may at first appear powerful due to being physically built, for example, but who do not have a heart. Their words and actions quickly betray this and expose their lack of power, at which point their attractiveness begins to steadily decline, sometimes even inverting and turning into something revolting.
I forgot to add here, that this power dynamic seems to be suspiciously qabalistic! Here we have a model where will is executed by oscillating from one side (Chesed, or Mercy) of the tree of life to the other side (Giburah, or Severety).
Goose may not have loved me one bit (I do not know how he felt or feels), but he definitely knew how to express power as I define it - so much so as to prove to me that neither physical appearance nor depth of character are things I need to find a man attractive.
Since we're on the subject, I may as well get into another small and interesting conclusion I came to. There is a tendency in the gay world to describe men as "straight acting" if they do not give themselves off as gay. I am frequently described as such because most people can't tell I'm gay easily. But I do not like this term. It feels very disempowering: to be acceptable, your best hope is to act like a another (straight) man. Being yourself just isn't enough.
Now, while I am not attracted to overtly feminine guys (for the same reason, I suppose, that I am not attracted to girls), I actually don't mind it if a guy is obviously gay. What this guy has shown me is that, as a matter of fact, an obviously-gay guy who is still overtly masculine is actually extremely sexy, far more than a "straight acting" one. There is nothing feminine about Goose, but he immediately comes off as gay. Yet at the same time, he is very confident and radiates with masculinity... and smells like it too (after we finished, he fell asleep, and I just lay beside him smelling his hair. It felt as though he was oozing with male sex-hormones.
All these subtle little things became highlighted for me by this guy's power, and so became apparently in spite his unassuming first-impression.
We'll see how things go, and I'll try to update here for those concerned...
NSFW:
So here's to hoping that Goose turns out to be a good guy (if he turns out at all - I have not heard back from him, although to be fair he did say he will be working long hours the following week). I'd be happy to keep with him and not find other guys for the same purpose as a second-best thing to a loving relationship.
But even if he did not love me, at least he showed the capacity to understand me far more so that anyone I'd met yet (as far as sexuality goes). He has crystallized in my imagination some very specific qualities I seek in a man: I am very attracted to power, and that does not necessarily mean muscle. Here is a scrawny guy who managed to obliterate me, and it is through his paradoxical nature that he managed to make me rethink my sexuality.
But the key here is that power to me is the expression of strength or influence that is tempered with an equal capacity for understanding or empathy. Very few people seem to be able to wield power as such.
There is a small amount of kind-hearted people who have lots of heart and little strength, and these are wonderful to have in one's life and I might even make love to them because of that, but they don't turn me on at my core.
There are also countless people who may at first appear powerful due to being physically built, for example, but who do not have a heart. Their words and actions quickly betray this and expose their lack of power, at which point their attractiveness begins to steadily decline, sometimes even inverting and turning into something revolting.
I forgot to add here, that this power dynamic seems to be suspiciously qabalistic! Here we have a model where will is executed by oscillating from one side (Chesed, or Mercy) of the tree of life to the other side (Giburah, or Severety).
Goose may not have loved me one bit (I do not know how he felt or feels), but he definitely knew how to express power as I define it - so much so as to prove to me that neither physical appearance nor depth of character are things I need to find a man attractive.
Since we're on the subject, I may as well get into another small and interesting conclusion I came to. There is a tendency in the gay world to describe men as "straight acting" if they do not give themselves off as gay. I am frequently described as such because most people can't tell I'm gay easily. But I do not like this term. It feels very disempowering: to be acceptable, your best hope is to act like a another (straight) man. Being yourself just isn't enough.
Now, while I am not attracted to overtly feminine guys (for the same reason, I suppose, that I am not attracted to girls), I actually don't mind it if a guy is obviously gay. What this guy has shown me is that, as a matter of fact, an obviously-gay guy who is still overtly masculine is actually extremely sexy, far more than a "straight acting" one. There is nothing feminine about Goose, but he immediately comes off as gay. Yet at the same time, he is very confident and radiates with masculinity... and smells like it too (after we finished, he fell asleep, and I just lay beside him smelling his hair. It felt as though he was oozing with male sex-hormones.
All these subtle little things became highlighted for me by this guy's power, and so became apparently in spite his unassuming first-impression.
We'll see how things go, and I'll try to update here for those concerned...
