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Going through detox hell

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Bluebird78

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Joined
Jun 6, 2017
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28
I feel like im stuck between a rock and a hard place. So very month i come into 90 4mg dilaudid, 60 nucynta, and 90 valium. And the dose will be increasing next visit. They're not for me though so i cant just not get them. I go through the dilaudid in less than 2 weeks.... I always say this time ill taper better, but after i have a few party days. So took my last dilaudid Monday... Had 2 roxies for Tuesday and 2 yucky tramadol for Wednesday. Im taking rediculous amounts of valium to help with the detoxing. 40 or so mg at a time. I have 8 days until I get more dilaudid. But i really don't want to go through this yet again... Im leaving on vacation the day after i get them. I just feel stuck. Will i feel better soon?.. The malaise is killing me, i have a hard time with the most basic tasks. When will this end. And no one has any idea. Just venting
 
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Hi Bluebird-

Im not sure if I understand correctly- but are you saying you're on the never-ending, deranged carousel of waiting for your Rx's after blowing through them in 2wks or less? If so-yup. Been on that ride Its maddening

The choices are: Hurry up to find a way to get more so you're not sick (which involves a lot of money. Pills are exspensive) 2. Make the ingenious decision (sarcasm) to get heroin "because it's cheaper" (famous last words) and possibly develop a raging heroin habit that makes things even worse. 3. Take loperamide and other comfort meds to limp to your next Rx. Then repeat the entire miserable cycle again. 4. Get arrested and detox in jail. 5. Get off of the carousel. Get help. Decide not to get on the carousel in the first place.

The he above isn't judgement. I still have one foot on the carousel. But am fighting to get it off. What I'm saying is the sickening stuff will continue as long as we continue it. Also, you're far from alone. We all understand your struggle Being free is hard won but worth it. Hang in there my friend. I'm not feeling so good myself.
 
I waa a heroin addict 16 years ago... And i did detox in jail. I have a beautiful home, attentive husband and wonderful kids. I have no clue how ro het drugs illegally especially since my husband is a cop! I will not get professional help, it will ruin my life, not tjat tje srugs arent already. Just looking for some reassurance from those who understand.
 
I was trying to reassure you. I've lived through the same things. What is it you want to hear exactly? Sorry you feel horrible again? And again? And again?Me too. Im my worst enemy. Being that we've been through all we have what do you think is next on the list if we dont get help? Death maybe?

Your husband being a cop doesnt matter. Mine is a decorated combat veteran. With 6 medals including a combat action badge. Wtf does that have to do w my drug addiction? He cant save me. Only I can. We also make decent money--again- what does that have to do w my adddiction?

I usually dont get like this but wow. Its as if you feel above addiction. It doesnt descriminate. I know people w way more than you or I that are raging addicts. I guess you think theres a such thing as "classy addicts"?


I apologize took my post wrong. I dont understand what you want.
 
Hey, I've been through what you're going through. I had a raging dilly addiction, using roughly twice what you're prescribed, IV. Often supplemented by really ridiculous amounts of benzos as well. So yeah, I know. I'd blow through them in two weeks if I was lucky, but it was usually closer to a week.

It's the lingering and unending fatigue that kills your life. At least that's how it turned out for me.

So, how to feel better. Well, if you're going to continue using in the pattern that you are, I found that doing a taper really, really helps.

Other options might include gabapentin, which also really helps. Give kratom a try, maybe?

With those tools, you can avoid a lot of the acute withdrawal, but for long-term? Mmm, I was on opies for 10 or so, not always so severly addicted and dysfunctional as at the end. I quit May of 2016 and I still don't feel completely better. Using in such a pattern really seems to mess you up in myriad ways. But, I haven't been able to do everything that would possibly help to speed the recovery process.

I did end up going to a bupe doctor. Made me feel tons better, but I only took them short-term because I wanted off of these drugs completely. They're very helpful if you use them as indicated, and don't do these constant cycles of abuse and detox. That just saps everything out of you and ruins a good life.

So that's where I am at right now. I totally understand how you're feeling and the cycle that you're going through because I did it myself, for years. I wish I could tell you that you'll feel 100% asap, but my experience was...definitely not. Not using in such a way.

Hope you can find your personal answers, that you get to feeling better, and that you enjoy your vacation! Best to you <3
 
What is it that you see about professional help that leads you to believe it will ruin your life? Just curious. My understanding is doctors and what not have to keep it confidential so I don't understand. How long have you been taking the valiums? Just bear careful that you don't get a physical dependence on them. They r really nasty as I'm sure u know. I feel like overcoming addiction like this in secret is nearly impossible. Its such a serious problem and healing from it without support and with the added stress of keeping hte secrets is daunting to say the least. It makes me so mad that we addicts often have to hide like this because society is a big judgmental jerk. Our illness is just as valid as any other mental health disorder and requires real help. Yet we are treated like criminals!! I do wish for you the ability to tell your partner as I believe its healthy to shre something like this. They know you were a heroin addict b4? Its quite understandable that you relapsed 16 years later. Give yourself some credit thats an amazing amount of time! This is just a bump in the road! You are going to get back to where you were in no time!
 
Theres your support Bluebird. We've all taken the time to respond. That in itself should be comforting. Im in moderare w/d and I have a horrible cold and sore throat-and I still responded to you. Im ready to stab myself.

You misunderstood my post. I may be wrong but you seem a little out of it-which is ok. Maybe you can re-read your thread at a differenr time. Your post is confusing.

Articulate what it is you want. We're all trying to reach out to you. And we wish you the best.
 
**PS- anyone can find a way to aquire heroin. If you want it bad enough. When I relasped 3yrs ago, I had been out of the drug scene for awhile and had no idea how to get dope. I figured it out.And blew through roughly $150k. Im still trying to recover from that. I get what you're going through. You say your husband is attentive? Then he has to know your addicted to pills. How does he feel about it?
 
No, i actually seem like a whiny bitch. And that's s not how i want to come off. My husband is attenrive because I've had so many fucking affairs that hedoent like me to go places alone. I am an addict out and out, just different vices. I know im moy above addiction, jail knocked that right outta me. My husband was the arresting officer... Classic love story. I try and try but old habits die hard. I lost my precious grandmother and it has been a downward spiral. I just want to be happy and i have no clue how. And 10 years gone by.... Tjank your hisydor his service. Too much hate anymore.
 
Bluebird-

Dont get down on yourself. We all have done things we're less than proud of during active and even semi-active addiction.

I think its kind of romantic that your husband was the arresting officer. He saw something in you that you werent able to see.

I have no problem w "whiny bitch" - hey me too at times. All of us at times in. fact. I wish I could give you a hug.

Hang in there Bluebird. I know what you're going through.
 
And Im very sorry you lost your Grandmom. Its very difficult losing loved ones. I understand first hand how that can trigger things to get out of control.
 
Bluebird78 said:
No, i actually seem like a whiny bitch. And that's s not how i want to come off. My husband is attenrive because I've had so many fucking affairs that hedoent like me to go places alone. I am an addict out and out, just different vices. I know im moy above addiction, jail knocked that right outta me. My husband was the arresting officer... Classic love story. I try and try but old habits die hard. I lost my precious grandmother and it has been a downward spiral. I just want to be happy and i have no clue how. And 10 years gone by.... Tjank your hisydor his service. Too much hate anymore.
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I wouldn't say that - I'd say it sounds like you are suffering and (understandably) afraid of what might come to pass with this. This shit is HARD, especially the more so when one doesn't have people to help get support from IRL.

Do you have anyone at all to help support you IRL with this? I'd really try and seek out at least one person in real life, ideally an experienced medical professional but even non-professional support can help when it comes to the isolation of addiction. That, in my experience, is what really kills. Feeling trapped and alone, totally disconnected and alienated from loved ones and ones community, I mean.
 
and if you are worried about getting help because your husbands a cop that shouldnt matter. addiction can strike anyone. even cops themselves! since he deals with it every day he should know how difficult it is and would most lilely want you to get help. and if you are worried it will make him look bad since hes a cop... you are far from the first and anyone who cares about you will want you to get help. i went to rehab with the wife of a cop... and a family relative who is a cop - his wife got treatment for dope, no one looked down on them.

if you were legitimately prescribed those meds then you have even less of a reason to be embarrassed or whatever, at least you are admitting you have to come off them before it gets too out of hand. and if its not a legitimate prescription its still ok happens to the best of us.

if you have a great life, good husband and nice house, kids, and the "great" life thats all the more reason to get professional help so you dont lose all that. addiction will swallow up and destroy anyone - it is blind to race, age, sex, wealth, profession... and doesnt care if you are married and have kids. your addiction will take everything until thats all thats left.

professional help isnt the only way, but it comes with the best odds. and dont forget theres options besides inpatient rehab. you can do outpatient and keep it hidden from those you dont want knowing. even your husband if you feel necessary. and just as importantly as medical dr support, a good emotional support structure in your life is one of the most important things. you need people you can open up to. I was so scarred to tell family and friends years ago I was a heroin addict. I was surprised at how much support I got from opening up to people. A couple people judged and weren't supportive but fuck em lol

Im not really sure what your goal or intent is but good luck and check back in!
 
I remember how hard it was hiding my use from loved ones. I can't imagine how stressful it would be to have to hide my recovery from them too.

Hope you're hanging in their OP, regardless of what that means.
 
Thank you all for the support. I have been taking lyrica.... It has literally erased all withdrawal symptoms and let me function... Im doing well. Still vant sleep too good though. Worried about Thursday.... Gettinh 90more dilaudid. I have to get the script. Its not mine. I know o will use again, but once more ill give it my best shot. Luckily, im drivkng to Florida on Friday for vacation so ill have to take them sparsely and discreetly, perhaps i van just kick the jabit since I'll be out of my comfort zone. Watch the stupid hurricane ruin my trip lol.....
 
Im glad you got some Lyrica.

Im currently in Florida for a family emergency. Prayers that we all stay safe during the hurricane. <3
 
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