Going out is hard and I get so tired

[queenscarlet88]

Social mingling for its own sake is hard work.

I don't fit in with most groups, so I get very bored and stay very quiet. Without alcohol or other drugs to fuel enthusiasm and energy, sociability seems like more trouble than it's worth. I just don't have anything to say most of the time.

My chief obstacle to a happy social life at age 20 is people's fondness of drinking and late nights. Other people my age can drink hard one night and be fine for the week to come; I stay miserable, haggard, and sleepless for days after having even just a drink or two. Staying up until four or five in the morning means I might sleep for three or four hours, if I'm lucky, and--again--stay miserable and haggard for the next day or two. Seven hours is the least amount of time I can sleep without the despair setting in and my moods running amok.

I hate to stay in, though, because then I feel terribly anxious about opportunities I might be missing and the prospect of growing into later adulthood without many friends. Does anyone else feel the same way?

 

[TheMiddleWay]

If you can only be social with drugs and alcohol there might be something up. Do you get anxious when in public? Do you have any close friends?

I mean clubs and bars aren't for everyone. I hate them. It just feels superficial. I don't wanna have sex with random drunk people. If I go I can be social however, and don't experience social anxiety. If it's "not just worth the effort" I don't really see a problem.

If you can only talk to people while on drugs there may be one.

You may have some screwy alcohol metabolism. You shouldn't feel bad for days from two drinks.

 

[badfish45]

You'd be surprised how many people feel this way. It all comes from a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem. If I were to ask you to sit down and list the things that you love and hate about yourself, which list would be longer? Would the list with the things that you love yourself for even exist? I'm sure you have people who could say some very nice things about you (and I'm sure that I would agree), but would you agree with them? You need to be able to notice your pros and your cons. Your strengths and weaknesses. Also consider the root of your social anxiety. I know when I had it, the cause was simply from bullying in elementary school, I didn't fit in, and I'll be damned if that hasn't affected me up to today in high school. A common cause for addiction is when people rely on drugs for self confidence, and you just need to learn where that confidence all comes inside you, and is just the same, sober or not.

I agree with what TheMiddleWay says about drinking, you might have a weak metabolism, so it could take days for it to clear out. All a good reason to not drink right? I guess it's up to you, but consider when you take the drink, is this temporary confidence and and happiness that I can experience sober with hard work worth the hangover to come?

 

[herbavore]

I wouldn't worry about having a lot of friends; just try to find people that like your level of socializing and work on being a friend. I've been married for 25 years to a man that hates socializing except in the smallest groups of people he already knows and I like big gatherings as well as small, new people or familiar. We accept each others differences--there is no one way that is better.

 

[badfish45]

Listen to what herbavore just said. Consider who your true friends are, who would still be there if you fucked up? Who would stick with you the whole way? Those are true friends, and believe me the only ones that matter.

 

[monkeyemergency]

I've felt exactly the same and still do OP. I have insomnia so i stick to a strict sleep schedule, usually in bed by ten at the latest. I used to worry about missing out on what everyone did late at night, but in the end if you dont enjoy it, dont do it and don't worry about it. Just laugh it off when you see your mates after they've been out all night and look like shit, and think about how glad you are not to be in that position.

I also find it hard to socialise, but the more you do it (while sober) the easier it becomes. Its all fake anyway when you make friends based on drug fuelled partying IMO

 

[TheMiddleWay]

Its all fake anyway when you make friends based on drug fuelled partying IMO

This.

I don't think I've ever seen a stable relationship guilty on drug use.

I agree with what TheMiddleWay says about drinking, you might have a weak metabolism, so it could take days for it to clear out.

I spouse it depends what she meds by feeling bad. Sleep only? Hangover? or long drunk? I doubt some one can get buzzed for more than ten hours on so few drinks.

I was kind of thinking along the lines of your body naturally not producing enough of the enzyme which metabolizes acetylhyde (makes you feel shitty) into acetic acid (harmless buffer). This would be what antabuse (disulfiram) does.

 

[malakaix]

Social mingling for its own sake is hard work.

I agree, it takes a lot of energy for me to socialize.. and more often then not i feel drained. < Classic introvert here.

Other people my age can drink hard one night and be fine for the week to come; I stay miserable, haggard, and sleepless for days after having even just a drink or two. Staying up until four or five in the morning means I might sleep for three or four hours, if I'm lucky, and--again--stay miserable and haggard for the next day or two. Seven hours is the least amount of time I can sleep without the despair setting in and my moods running amok.

This is the main reason i've curved my rate of going out; i can't handle the sleep deprivation and negative effects of alcohol/drugs anymore.. i prefer a decent nights sleep over been out all night.

 

[footscrazy]

You say you're 20, queenscarlet - I mention it because I remember being 20 and being so concerned about exactly the same thing. I remember placing so much weight on going out every weekend, as if if I didn't I'd miss something, as if not going out one weekend would paint me forever as the loser and irrevocably place me as a misfit.

What I couldn't differentiate between at that time though was what I thought I had to do, compared to what I wanted to do. I think the truth is, noone cares what you do on the weekend. Hardly anyone even knows, anyway. Making a decision for you, really for you, will be much more valuable than any opportunities you think you might gain by going out. What exactly are those opportunities you mentioned anyway?

I think that people really respect people making decisions for themselves. Why should you go out if you don't want to? Really weigh up the pros and cons. If you think socialising is something you need to force yourself to do, then you can make those steps, but only if it's for a better outcome for yourself. I think that before you make any decision you should ask yourself what you want to do, as opposed to what you think you should do.

 

[queenscarlet88]

To clarify: my reaction to alcohol stems from having used a lot of benzos. I react similarly, though not as severely, to caffeine; I might feel great for a couple hours, but then the next few days I'm lazy and sad (and get bad tremors in my hands).

Thanks to everyone who's replied so far. There is definite benefit to forcing myself to be around other people sometimes--otherwise I'd probably spend all my time alone--but I'm often happiest going to bed early, waking up early, and walking around by myself outdoors just thinking. But happiness for its own sake, that doesn't bring me greater status or bolster my social position, feels meaningless (classic "place anxiety," I guess); worse than meaningless, it feels fake, delusional, and reflective of dysfunction. I have a sense that I need to be constantly aspiring and climbing, especially with making a decent living becoming ever more difficult in the US.

My greatest anxiety is about transferring to a new college in a couple months. I got expelled from a four-year school when I was eighteen owing to reckless drug use and have spent the past two years at the community college. Now I'm transferring to a different four-year school.

I've been sober for six months and am feeling much better, but I worry that not wanting to drink or stay out all night will impede me from making new friends on a campus where I'll start off knowing nobody at all.

Yet I understand that the most suitable friends for me probably won't be burning their candles at both ends, either. I understand that it's better to work with my introverted nature than against it. And I'd rather not stay up all night just for the sake of being bored to tears!

 

[Hardcoreprawn]

Im supposedly an extrovert and I find some social situation hard to deal with. Especially when others rely on me to be the fun, sociable one. Just find people you like. Even if its just one. No one can like beong around everyone all the time. No matter how intro- or extroverted.

 

[ColtDan]

sounds like a bad combo of things, stuck in a rut

 

[doppelganga196]

I oft feel the same way nowadays. I used to make friends so easily, like i was pretty popular. Now i'm 22 & things have just become difficult. I often feel like i have nothing to say. Kind of like i've been left behind. I guess i'm pretty depressed it's just that depression doesn't feel like i always imagined it would, like feeling blue. Instead i dont feel myself, have trouble concentrating & when i go out with friends i feel removed from things like people are asking me if i'm okay & i'm like yeah, but i'm not.

I know just how you feel about alcohol, like the whole youth culture of going out nights always involves alcohol which sometimes i like but often i just do for the sake of it. Alcohol is a pretty rubbish drug cos of the god awful hangover. Hangovers have got worse for me as i got older & its why i dont like alcohol as much anymore.

 

[herbavore]

Your new school will have people that feel like you do about the drinking/staying out all night so your job is to trust that and find them. The drinkers are going to be more apparent initially maybe, but if you observe when you first get there without putting pressure on yourself, you'll find people that are also looking for you. People get discouraged too fast in new situations and expect too much right away. Take your time and just be friendly to everyone while maintaining your boundaries to keep your sobriety and it will work out. And let yourself get excited; you have a lot to be proud of!

 

[Dave]

OP: are you me?

Seriously, I'm a classic introvert, and find socializing exhausting. The problem that this leads to, unfortunately, is that it is very easy for me to wind up isolating myself. There's nothing wrong with being an introvert, but society does unfortunately value extroversion far more, which can make it seem as though being introverted is a problem. Don't feel guilty for not wanting to go out all the time, but make sure that you go out sometimes. Maybe arrange things so that rather than going to some big club you spend time with a few friends at a home or other similar (i.e. calmer, more intimate) environments. I find that helps me out a lot.

Most of all: you're 20. Don't worry about long-term anything. Things change so much; just roll with it. You're still creating the base of the person who you will be later in life, but keep in mind that you have control over nearly every aspect of who you are, and who you are is never set in stone.