I've got a particularly bad case of the cringes today. It was supposed to be a quiet, healthy and productive weekend, but that all changed when my workmates decided to go out for drinks after work (mand I already had a hangover from the previous night, and had worked 12-hour shifts three days in a row). So we drank... and then we bought three grams of coke to share between five people.
I hate coke. It's the verbal diarrhoea that gets me. On a day like this I can lie in bed, too exhausted to move, in a constant state of anxiety, remembering every little thing I said that may have been even a tiny bit weird or embarrassing. I didn't really do anything inappropriate - well, I slept with one of my colleagues again, which was a bit weird but I think we're good enough mates for it not to really matter. But coke does do some amazing things to my ability to talk absolute shit. Lately coke has also brought all my insecurities out, but increased my comfort with those insecurities. So there's me blabbing all about my intimate secrets and putting myself on display for all the world to see. I always feel like I've shown way too much of myself. I kept getting insecure that my mates thought I was irritating, and therefore constantly apologised, which I am sure made me ten times more irritating. I also hate how attention and affection seeking I become.
I hate being this neurotic.
It doesn't help that I've slept badly for the past few days, and I haven't eaten today because I can't face leaving my room. I should take better care of myself.
I'm not being all self-pitying, 'boohoo look at me, my head hurts', because I know I did this to myself. I can take physical hangovers fine, I just can't take the extreme self-loathing that accompanies a cringe hangover.
I spoke to my friend about this yesterday and she told me not to worry as much because people don't really judge you for the way you act when you're on coke. I hope this is true.
I went out yesterday too, first to a house party, then on to a club in Brixton where I met some friends (Hedonistic Angel, duck racer, Grobert + his girlfriend Lisa). By the time I came to the club, they had stopped letting people in, but I spun the bouncers some story about how I was working in a bar up the road and had finished late (playing on the solidarity and sympathy between people who work in bars and clubs) and had come for my best friend's birthday party and was desperate to get inside. Not only did they let me in, but I got in for free too. Bless them. I'm still well pleased with myself :D
After the others had gone home I spent about one hour wandering around looking for the right bus stop. I wasn't that drunk, but the tiredness made me feel really dazed and weird. I got several people asking me if I was ok. I managed to walk right into a pole on the street as well, bumped my forehead, which was highly embarrassing but also quite funny. I must have looked like a right idiot.
It was a good night though, and not that cringe-inducing. Friday however... I am so embarrassed!!!!!!!!!11
I hate coke. It's the verbal diarrhoea that gets me. On a day like this I can lie in bed, too exhausted to move, in a constant state of anxiety, remembering every little thing I said that may have been even a tiny bit weird or embarrassing. I didn't really do anything inappropriate - well, I slept with one of my colleagues again, which was a bit weird but I think we're good enough mates for it not to really matter. But coke does do some amazing things to my ability to talk absolute shit. Lately coke has also brought all my insecurities out, but increased my comfort with those insecurities. So there's me blabbing all about my intimate secrets and putting myself on display for all the world to see. I always feel like I've shown way too much of myself. I kept getting insecure that my mates thought I was irritating, and therefore constantly apologised, which I am sure made me ten times more irritating. I also hate how attention and affection seeking I become.
I hate being this neurotic.
It doesn't help that I've slept badly for the past few days, and I haven't eaten today because I can't face leaving my room. I should take better care of myself.
I'm not being all self-pitying, 'boohoo look at me, my head hurts', because I know I did this to myself. I can take physical hangovers fine, I just can't take the extreme self-loathing that accompanies a cringe hangover.
I spoke to my friend about this yesterday and she told me not to worry as much because people don't really judge you for the way you act when you're on coke. I hope this is true.
I went out yesterday too, first to a house party, then on to a club in Brixton where I met some friends (Hedonistic Angel, duck racer, Grobert + his girlfriend Lisa). By the time I came to the club, they had stopped letting people in, but I spun the bouncers some story about how I was working in a bar up the road and had finished late (playing on the solidarity and sympathy between people who work in bars and clubs) and had come for my best friend's birthday party and was desperate to get inside. Not only did they let me in, but I got in for free too. Bless them. I'm still well pleased with myself :D
After the others had gone home I spent about one hour wandering around looking for the right bus stop. I wasn't that drunk, but the tiredness made me feel really dazed and weird. I got several people asking me if I was ok. I managed to walk right into a pole on the street as well, bumped my forehead, which was highly embarrassing but also quite funny. I must have looked like a right idiot.
It was a good night though, and not that cringe-inducing. Friday however... I am so embarrassed!!!!!!!!!11
