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Badback10

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 12, 2012
Messages
54
I have posted before not a lot and long times dormant between posts. I have battled perception drug use & depression I'm currently not on any pain meds and in pain but I can't control my usage. I have been contemplating leaving this world for myself I honestly don't see the point I have turned from a husband and father to some monster no one wants to be around I'm angry for no reason. I tried to get mental help and I keep getting BS drugs that don't work. I tried a few months ago to end my life and I woke up almost 2 days later no one checked on me. My biggest fear is one of my kids finding me. I'm trying the dr again tomorrow but I would rather not wake up. Thanks to this site and reading posts have helped but I think it's about time to wrap it up. TY
 
Tell me that wasn't a suicide note.
Lots of us struggle with the thought... but please just let it be a thought.
Private message me if you want - Mike
 
I can't say it's not Only because of opertunity. I have a loaded 9mm in front of me but I just can't bring myself to leaving that mess for my family in our home. Does that mean I'm scared to die no it's opertunity I would rather just sleep.
 
I have a 9MM too and even though the thought crosses my mind... hell no.
Put that piece in the closet out of sight.
You're supposed to be afraid to die . It's a survival instinct. You don't wanna die...you just want the pain to end.
Have you apologized for your anger outbursts? I always do that. You might be amazed at how forgiving people can be.
 
Normal things happiness does not register. I have apologized once sober but I all I get is you need help. I have been ready to die for a long time (pain to end) I'm okay with leaving thinking its best for what I started.
 
Someone a lot wiser than me said suicide is not really a desire to kill the person but rather a desire to kill the life that person is living.

My brother killed himself almost a year ago but not a day goes by that I'm not affect by his suicide in one way or another.

What things need to change in your life to make it worth living?
 
I want life to have a meaning I don't want to be angry over everything I don't want to follow the asshole that cut me off to his house and beat the fuck out of him. I want to remember things that are important. Getting hurt cost me everything in my mind feeling like a man that provided for his family I went from helping and saving people to not being able to lift 3lbs coaching and playing with my kids I feel robbed. Drugs masked the pain and it got way out of hand but I corrected that but now all the pain is back. Like I said I don't know what happened in my head but is it to late for my family I don't know I know I need help or I go I would rather be healthy then dead but I'm okay with death. Sorry I can't reply to pm every 180 min. Thank you Mike
 
Sorry about your loss. That is my biggest fear what damage I will leave behind but like before it failed to stop me from trying.
 
hey brother,

i can relate to what youre talking about, tired and fed up, cant go on, desperate.
Only 3 months ago i had no friends, no job, no family, severe depression and heavily abusing drugs and alcohol.
Felt weak, and felt ready to go.
All that was on my mind was leaving this place.

Now, today, im 50 days sober and ive never felt more alive.
Been an addict from 14 till 28 and each day was hell. General anxiety, ptsd, add addiction, loneliness you name it.

I never thought life would be better, but here i am, with friends, short/middle/long term goals, sports, structure and enjoying life.

IT is possible, believe me, it is.
Nomather how hopeless things look and feel, there is a way out, really.
You just have to start somewehere, and that somewhere could be today.

You are reaching out, thats a clear statement you want to, but you dont know how.

Call a suicide hotline, and talk and cry. Do it, it will help.
I got on the phone one time and the warm, deep ladies voice, without judgment,only love, touched my soul and gave me a little bit of hope.

Make a start, somewhere, somehow.

Good luck and make sure to check back here.

<3
 
Azure Cloud said:
Someone a lot wiser than me said suicide is not really a desire to kill the person but rather a desire to kill the life that person is living.

My brother killed himself almost a year ago but not a day goes by that I'm not affect by his suicide in one way or another.

What things need to change in your life to make it worth living?
Click to expand...

I'm sorry and I understand. Id never say that my pain is the same as yours but my brother jumped out of a car at age 22. Died. It definitely has a permanent effect and people say it gets easier and they're all full of shit. It does not get easier.
 
Will do I'm trying dr again tomorrow thank you everyone this helps no promises but thank you
 
I appreciate the condolences badback and vitamaN, thank you. Also sorry for your loss vitamaN.

I'm also very happy to read that you're going to try to see the doctor tomorrow Badback, I hope that goes well and brings you something positive. You definitely deserve something positive to happen for you!
 
In Dr now I'll never get over the look on a RNs face when you tell them how you feel. I'm trying really am
 
I'm struggling with monster addictions right now and it's so difficult to keep faith but we have to.
 
No reply yet from psychology dept Dr is now trying Seroquel 50mg I expressed how desperately I need help I can always go admit myself. I get the struggles of opioid addiction but know the withdrawl ends.
 
Hi badback10, this post is probably a bit late but i hope that whatever pain you are experiencing, you dont take away the hope and happiness that will come after all of this. Life has struggles and like what everyone already said on their posts, you have to keep fighting and trying. What i have read is you have a family right? You have to keep fighting for them. They need you and you need to overcome all of this. Small steps hun ♡♡
 
Not late at all the disconnect in my head is I can't understand why family and things that should be good don't register at all. I would do anything for my family even checking out to let them move on without the angry crazy father that isolates himself to protect them. On the other side I'm afraid to leave them with the guilt of a father that took his own life. I'm pushing for help I know I need it fast.
 
Still fighting the pain and thoughts Seroquel not making me tired more wired and upsetting my stomach.
 
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