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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

giving in to mdpv, just cant take it anymore.

T

tripsitter

Greenlighter
Joined
Jul 6, 2008
Messages
3
Location
South Dakota
I have been abusing mdpv on and off for the last four years and I cannot seem to stay away for more than a few weeks at a time.

I can force myself to quit anytime but struggle with staying clean. I just cannot let go of the feeling vapoirzing a nice big hit gives me. My longing for another hit always overcomes my desire to stay thehellaway so i can save myself and my life.

I am in a dire situation because of mdpv. I've tried therapy, psychologists, hospital stays, behavioral therapy, etc. Nothing works because I haven't found how to move on and never use again. I know what to do(stop and don't use again), I'm not stupid, but I just can't seem to get past the desire to use again.

I'm about to loose everything and am not too far from the bottom of hell. I hate mdpv, I don't enjoy the effects. I don't want it anymore but that rush it gives triumphs over all. I know its not worth hitting rock bottom over, but here I am continuing down this path.

I miss the way life used to be. I feel I suffer from some sort of lack of dopamine due to my use. I never have energy, never want to do anything, talk to anybody, have sex or do anything rewarding when I'm sober. I over eat and over indulge in alcohol, nicotine and caffeine because it feels like I'm trying to fill a void. I don't want to get out of bed and wish I could just sleep every minute of the day.

I'm ready to give up, but haven't yet. Flushed what was left and pray I an find the light at the end of this tunnel before I decide to get more (again).

I'm actually praying. Never have before. But I know at this point I need help from something higher than myself because I cannot control this demon and nobody can say or do anything that'll make me quit for good at this point.

God, help me. I'll do all the leg work, just please, guide me. I want my life, and especially, myself back.
 
Good that you are not giving up man. Sometimes it takes some desperation to initiate action, even though it's uncomfortable.

Have you thought of any ways to deal with potential cravings if they arise? Doesn't mean you'll have any but it can be helpful to have some sort of plan.

It's normal for other activities to seem less rewarding during heavy drug use but that can balance itself out if you give yourself some time. Even if you're bored/upset/whatever you can still get some satisfaction out of knowing that you're making the decision to take care of yourself.

Let us know what's up :)
 
YOu have been using for quite some time now but the fact that you're able to quit for weeks at a time is a good sign of hope. I will soon be joining you in the days of feeling "some sort of lack of dopamine due to my use."

We just have to remember that it's not going to feel that way forever even if it has felt like it has been. Time passes by and so does that lack of energy and motivation I've been told. It may take a few months, it may even take a year I've been told. But it does get better.

One of my few online friends/mdpv user died recently. The weeks previously learning of his death, I, myself, have started fearing health issues, knowing something is serverly wrong with my heart or lungs. Every morning since I've heard of his death, I take a hit and want to kick myself. I wonder if he was still here if he would still be doing it if the shoe was on the other foot.
 
It sounds to me, and please correct me if I'm wrong, that you might perhaps need something with which to occupy your time while getting clean. Do you have any good hobbies/pastimes? Fun exercise (like hiking, running, biking, yoga etc...)? Art projects? Volunteer work?

While I'm not a fan of the tradition that spawned the quote, it does ring true: "Idle hands do the devil's work". The more that you have to do that is not at all associated with MDPV, the better a chance you'll have at staying sober. Fill your days, and you'll not be concerned about it.

Easier said than done, I know. Even just having good, regular exercise can really be a boon. When you feel like using, go for a run.
 
^^^

Yes, focus your energy on other things, hang out with friends that don't use, and leave behind all that you associate with the drug. You need a complete change in lifestyle, your daily routine will have to change, sometimes it's the little things that cause relapse/setbacks...just prepare yourself for sobriety and learn to enjoy it. Like Dave said, if you have an urge to use, go for a run. It won't be easy and it will take time, but eventually you'll be free of the grips of addiction.
 
Thanks for the replies, including those who did so by pm.

I much too tired to build a proper response at the moment. Been sleeping since yesterday and will likely sleep most of the next couple of days.

Thanks, I'll be back to this thread after more sleep.

Sad and empty ATM..
 
Doing OK. Haven't done, or ordered, any more mdpv. Just been eating and sleeping.

Just don't have the motivation to do anything. Even getting out of bed to log in and reply here was a monumental task. Incredibly depressed to the point I don't care to get out of bed.

May seriously consider antidepressants at this point but I've got to have the desire to leave the house first.
 
You're doing good man! If you're able to take the time to just sleep and eat until your energy returns then there's nothing wrong with that.

Can't say if antidepressants will or will not help out but it's likely that you'll feel better after a bit of time. Feeling worn down and depressed seems to be the norm after stopping heavy stimulant use. Not permanent :) Keep it up.
 
Addiction is not so much a physical problem as it is a problem of trying to self-medicate an internal issue. Anxiety, depression, etc.

To me it sounds like you have depression. Those are the symptoms you presented and MDPV and other stimulant misuse can cause depression. I would try Wellbutrin and maybe an SNRI (I prefer them to SSRIs because they don't make me drowsy.)

Perhaps look into a dopamine antagonist if Wellbutrin doesn't work?

You can't get off any drug unless the internal issues are fixed. I can't quit smoking tobacco AT ALL without the help of antidepressants, because when I'm depressed or anxious, the pros of smoking far outweigh the cons.

I have another addiction to psychedelics, using 2ci very very heavily just because it completely fixes my life. I become the person I want to be, all my wit and confidence expressed with no real side effects or after effects. I don't recommend abusing this or any 2c and I myself have stopped using significantly since getting on meds, which when they begin to work (8 weeks) feel like I'm on a low dose of E or methylone 24/7.
 
the only thing that ever got me to quit any drug WAS ME. not some doctor. not my parents. nobody BUT MYSELF. if you want to quit, YOU HAVE TO QUIT. nobodys going to quit for you.
 
I was addicted to meth for over 7 years. Sometimes I would 'quit' meth and then just switch to using mdpv or coke daily instead, so I feel like I have some insight into stimulant addiction.

After years of dopamine-agonist abuse, it does take more to 'get you off', so to speak. Usual every day activities just don't cut it, they feel bland and boring. The world looks very grey for awhile.

The advice that's been given in this thread about filling in your days with activities is good and definitely worth a try... but it didn't work for me. This was always the popular advice I was given when trying to quit meth, and I dutifully tried to fill my days with activities, exercise etc... And it didn't do anything for me. I just couldn't get pleasure out of any activity that wasn't taking more ice, basically. Doing all these activities and still feeling shit, the world still looking grey, just made me more depressed, just convinced me that I just couldn't live without my drug. And back to the pipe I would go.

What DID work for me, was more of an acceptance that I was feeling shit. A lot of drug users, especially stim users IMO, want to feel GOOD all the time. Feeling shit or even just ok, is just NOT OK! So we do what we can to change that. So trying to replace your drug addiction with exercise, or hobbies, etc, is just not going to cut it. Not that these activities aren't important to do - the key word here is REPLACE. Nothing is going to replace the high of mdpv.

So for me, replacing the addiction became irrelevent because to a certain extent it's just not possible. What was important was just doing what I wanted to do. That included basically sleeping and eating for a couple of weeks. I didn't force myself to see friends because I felt like I should. If I didn't feel upto seeing anyone, I didn't. That's what worked for me.

Though of course it still wasn't easy. In 7 years of using, I quit hundreds of times. I see myself in your post, in the desperation to quit but feeling like it's out of your control, so you just pray that this time maybe it will be it, because you don't feel like you can trust yourself anymore. But the most important thing is to never give up. Even if you have tried and failed 100 times, the 101st time may be the time you make it. I know it's cliche and probably means nothing to you (it didn't mean anything to me when I used to see it) but if I can quit, I believe anyone can. I still sit here and just go to myself, 'fucking hell, you made it! You did it!' and I can hardly believe it, but it's an awesome feeling.
 
^Thanks for sharing that footscrazy. Can certainly relate to a lot of what you say.
 
I lived with a guy when I was in a therapy program that was addicted to mdpv. Sounded to me like any other classic stimulant addiction. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy tends to work very well for stimulants. If you cannot quit you may need therapy, meetings, rehab or a combination of them. Sounds like you are holding in a secret and you need to let it out somehow.

Try to get sober for a little while and develop good habits, exercise. I was more into depressants, so I tend to seek "comfort" over "excitement" but I feel like at the core its all the same. You are looking for something to take the sting of whatever away. The only way I was able to change this was to start to make improvements in my life. Then I didn't have anything to drink or use over. I still need a job, but its not worth using over that is for sure.

I know the feeling of overindulging with nicotine and alcohol as well. Its very common. Be careful, especially with the alcohol because it can be just as bad when used as a crutch.
 
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