GIVEN UP on ever leading a " productive life", and "JUST PLAYING FOR TIME" ?

[donnie080208]

GIVEN UP on ever leading a " productive life", and "JUST PLAYING FOR TIME" ?

Hi , i am currently not a full blown suicide risk but deep down i know its just a matter of me playing for time, Ive more or less given up any strides to improve my existential lifestyle. Ive had quite a few suicide attempts in the past but tbh honest only one , was truly a serious attempt at moving on from this horrible planet earth.
I live in the UK where social security benefits for the "seriously" mentally ill are somewhat excellent, this is a good thing but also somewhat of an albatross around my neck and many others like me. The moneys ok but you give up your esteem and soul in return.
I'm totally cut off from people and the only time i leave the house is to pick up daily methadone doses, I expect too much from friendships with the inevitable result of they always seem to let me down, so why bother? 95% of humans are self serving scum ime.

Im sick of the pain in my head , for the last 15 years its been a constantly numb unhappiness with a 24 hr depersonalizationtion / unreality feeling in my mind. Im currently on the verge of being totally housebound. Only opiates and benzos offer any artificial , temporary respite.

What do you do when death is your only long term object in Life , im only waiting for my cowardliness/ or desperation to break the malaise.?

I only wished EUTHANASIA EXISTED FOR THE MENTALLY ILL IN MOST WESTERN COUNTRIES including great britain as its manys only option including i believe, myself. im 33 years old

 

[OverDone]

hey donnie, are you complimenting your med regimen with therapy of any kind? I've found that when I'm at my worst and find myself going back to the familiar thought process of killing myself, I need to explore all other options before committing to something so final. Its difficult to try something new that may or may not help but, applying the effort is the most important part.

Depression is very treatable and you don't have to feel like this, man. There is a wealth of medication out there that, when working with a good doctor, could completely flip these feelings around.

Until then... well, you always have us

 

[Ixchellian]

I'm totally cut off from people and the only time i leave the house is to pick up daily methadone doses, I expect too much from friendships with the inevitable result of they always seem to let me down, so why bother? 95% of humans are self serving scum ime.

Hey, thanks for the vote of confidence.
How is it that your standards for friendships are so high, that so many fail your vetting process?

I think, that you feel far more than you're willing to admit, and are only willing to look at the face of things for their apparent, and not intrinsic, value. Look deeper outside yourself, and you'll find that there is enough beauty in the world to offset any pain.
It may be tempting now.... but at the end of pain, is nothing. And something is always better than nothing, especially when it comes to life. You only get one go at it.

 

[Legerity]

Do you have anybody that you can speak with, or do you choose not to be around people?

I think there's a fine balance between accepting certain realities and consciously making changes. We do have certain freedom to do what we want, but there seem to be constraints within which we operate. If there are some things that genuinely cannot be changed about your situation, then peace may come from accepting them. But just because something seems unchangeable doesn't mean it is If you need money then there's nothing wrong with having that support, no need to sell your soul

 

[Ixchellian]

^--- as Legerity states so succinctly..... the only possible thing I can think to add; of the constraints within which we operate, those self-imposed are normally what keeps us on the rails. And rails as with any pair parallel lines, never intersect, never end. But add just two more lines, and you've boxed yourself in.
Try not to think in absolutes. Everything changes, time is proof of this.

 

[Dave]

Oh my, I could write a tome to respond here, but I'll be brief.

First of all, donnie: I know from personal experience with similar issues that one's thoughts aren't always rational when things are tough, but I'd like to put a little spin on your condemnation of humanity. You're still young, and even if you were incredibly sociable there is no physical way that you could have met even as many as 1/1000th of the human population. Even if every single person with whom you've interacted over the course of your life was an unequivocal ass, it's still at least even odds (if not better) that each new person that you meet will be great. There may very well be a selection bias in that for some reason or other you've happened to be surrounded by jerks, but having gone through depression and come out (more or less) the other side, I can tell you that most people are actually quite kind, and that it was my own foul mood that was being projected onto them.

So, what to do? I tend to harp on this, so I apologize to the regular posters who have to hear me going on and on like a skipping CD, but are you getting proper talk therapy? I don't know the details of the NHS, but I'd imagine that there should be psychological care available to you. I found that EMDR as a therapy worked very well, but CBT has an excellent success rate, and even just client-centred talk therapy can be a boon. Please look into it.

Moving on to the direct topic at hand: I beleive that euthanasia should be an option, but only in the case of untreatable illnesses or injuries. Quite frankly, depression can be treated, and while it is horribly clichéd sucide is a permanent cure to a temporary problem. You're 33, and even if you've been severely depressed your entire life there is still plenty of time to get well and live. As with all things though, the hardest part is starting.

@farquit: I could address so many things in your reply, but I'll just stick with the one thing that jumped out at me. Life may not seem long, but the older you get the more you realize that the days are long but the years are short. We get one life, and only one life; it is a waste to have it spent ill.

And to everyone: let's remember to keep the tone civil and the discussion on topic please. Gracias

 

[donnie080208]

@farquit

My shrink also blamed my mental health on alcohol/opiate abuse , when u stop them things will be great, didnt happen this way sadly. like you ,my problems pre date my substance abuse and are symtoms rather than the cause.
I now have no habit , haven't drank for 5 years , yet things are almost as bad but just without the relief and excitement a heroin fix brought me. Only benzos and methadone keep me going each day. self pity? maybe but im completely numb and feel unreal all the time , the outside world feels totally hostile. shouldn't i be a candidate for euthanasia? I have i believe, a chronic, long standing illness, which makes life unbearable and the quality of it is zero.
I could do it myself, yes but there are so many problems when taking drugs yourself( OD ) waking up a vegetable is one.
Also i havent worked in over a decade and have finally given up hope of evr doing so, im a burden to the country surely it would be better for the country to offer sure ways out to those that want it.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

It is normal to go through a great amount of depression/sadness after quitting opiates. I would try to keep going forward with your life and see how things improve. You never know what might happen today, tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, and so on.

 

[marsmellow]

donnie, have you ever thought about volunteering and/or political activism? That would get you out of the house. You will find plenty of people who aren't self-serving scum. And it would help you to feel productive. Maybe it's worth a try?

 

[Ixchellian]

^----- volunteerism is a very good idea. There are always religious groups, non-profits, and community-service organizations more than willing to accept help..... and might even lead to a paying gig at some point.
They are also a good way to make connections, along with resources for help.... that otherwise wouldn't be easily found on ones' own.

 

[Svieri]

^-------That would work best if it's social care volunteering.

Sounds like you need some way to take stress off you. Try to be comfortable with yourself, so then you may be comfortable around others. I used to (and still do to some extent) be let down by people just as you. I always expected too much out of everyone, even my closest friends, gfs and parents. I thought I was alone. Then, I learned that everyone had flaws, even me. And since then I try to keep in my mind the best things out of everyone and it has helped me to "balance" things out, so I get a better perspective of the people I meet and not be a real downer.

Let go all that frustration. Have you tried painting? Not drawing, just painting. Don't aim it to make sense, just let out all that is inside you. That added to what marsmellow said should help you get better over time.

Never give up. Even when everything seems dark and lonely, there is always another way. You just have to try, you lose nothing, and you may gain much.

 

[donnie080208]

@marshmellow thankyou for your reply and the others but i just cant be around virtually any people these days and am more less housebound. I just have a very pessimistic view of all people and think their just out for themselves when you get to know them. I'm paranoid and extremely nervous when outdoors , i also think everyone i see outside can pick up on how i feel and think. 10 years is enough pain imo, i cant take another 10. that i am sure off. just wish the goverment here would offer a euthanasia service for people like me, rather than long term disabilty welfare. (which i am grateful for)

 

[Legerity]

There really are a lot of self serving people. And many actions that are considered "selfless" are really people just doing something that makes them feel. You don't have to pretend this isn't the case or develop any kind of false optimism that everything is awesome. But the world has everything; beauty and ugliness. We have the ability for everything within ourselves too; the ability to be selfish and hateful or the ability to be kind.

And it can be possible to find somewhere worthwhile in the middle of all the shit too. The other day something unexpected happened and I was extremely anxious about what would come of it. So I tried to look at it differently and appreciate the fact that this was an experience I got to have that probably the majority of people won't. I was still pissed off but it gave me some gratitude despite the fear/anxiety.

So I understand that you're in a lot of pain and not asking to deny that. But there may be more to see also.

 

[Namhe]

Donnie, not sure if this will comfort you but there are many people that feel just like you do... it took me some time to find them online. knowing they simply accept you and your pain, without forcing you to "change your outlook" or suggesting you take up horse-riding (lol), has actually helped me feel better. most people have no fucking idea what to do with the pain that a suicidal person presents them with. I know that when I am feeling like you do, I just want to be Heard. All the suggestions in the world won't make a dent until I feel I'm TRULY, unequivocally heard.
Keep posting...

 

[marsmellow]

im a burden to the country

I'm on disability because of my mental problems and I felt the same way at first. But I dealt with that by doing what I recommended in my first post. I volunteer at a homeless shelter and I tutor schoolchildren and some other things. That has made me feel a lot better about receiving benefits.

There is a lot of (too much imo) emphasis on being a "productive person" in the West. There is a lot of pressure to work at boring, stressful jobs that don't pay enough, and a lot of pressure to buy tons of things you don't need. But you don't need to do that to contribute something to the world, or to be happy. There are plenty of alternatives to that, and a lot of the time, they are better, because they contribute something GOOD to the world, while many jobs do nothing but make things worse.

@marshmellow thankyou for your reply and the others but i just cant be around virtually any people these days and am more less housebound. I'm paranoid and extremely nervous when outdoors , i also think everyone i see outside can pick up on how i feel and think.

These are all signs that you have some sort of anxiety disorder. Are you getting treatment for that? If not, you should tell your doctor about all that. Those symptoms can be treated. You don't have to feel that way for the rest of your life.

I just have a very pessimistic view of all people and think their just out for themselves

That isn't true at all though. I used to think that way too... until I stopped hanging around toxic people and started finding good ones.

10 years is enough pain imo, i cant take another 10.

You don't have to take another 10 years of it. If you truly want to get better, and you have access to mental health services, your problems can be treated. I'm not just saying this... I have severe mental problems and I was in a psychiatric hospital less than a month ago. I have been where you are, and felt almost everything that you have, and I've seen that the treatments can work if you're willing to let them work.

 

[donnie080208]

@marshmellow i too have been in the psych ward , every year in fact since 2004. I found there is a lot of well meaning docs,nurses etc but no respite from my problems there. Also im currently on lyrica, diazepam,citrolopram,.quitipine and methadone. ive obviously tried every anti-psych and depressant going i wont list them .
When i first plucked the courage to seriously seek help for my mental problems , i had hope that a med or something would help. before this i self medicated with opiates OR booze. I feel like the worlds not real most times and am emotionally completely numb ,except for a underlying foggy mental pain. know this description is very ambiguous and could be diagnosed as pychosis which i believe it technically isnt. I know i could do it myself a train ,jump etc but would like "to go" peacefully and with a certainty that a medical professional could provide to dead end cases like myself.

 

[maddog82]

The moneys ok but you give up your esteem and soul in return.

hey, i know exactly how you feel. I have absolutely the same problem. I feel like a soulless slave after a week of 8 hours work per day. It's not that im lazy, or stupid, but i have a feeling of being used by the guy or the institution Im working for. I never felt like Im working for me or for something worthy. I don't like to be in a hurry all the day for someone who doesn't respect me or know me at all. I hate this uncomfortable feeling. the first three month,of my apprenticeship, i was shocked and full of anger and just paralyzed. I talked to almost noone, because I realized this is supposed to be my life for the next 40 years.. Before that I was a happy guy and i had a lot of friends and fun in my life.
Now things are upside down.
I hated to be mixed up with people I generally would not talk to. They were boring and stupid and they just were talking about shallow, primitive things.
I hate the fact of being forced to do sth. I hate or I dislike until im dead and to hang around with people which are complete the opposite of me. that is making no sense for me. and it seems like i am not able to do this at all, because i have no job for over 5 years now. there is always someone who is bringing me down or sth. that is killing my joy. At the latest after 4 hours it feels like i need to leave. For me economy of today is a bloodsucking vampire and it feels like I have been bitten a long time ago.i feel, my life is slowly fading away and I have no idea what I am supposed to do about it.

I don't know too what my goals in life could be and this feeling of being a stranger on this planet or someone who is incompatible with this world and this kind of living is bringing me down more and more.
This has cultivated some kind of depression in me. Cause of that , I wasn't able to love my life, me, my parents, my friends and a girl or to show my love to people in general anymore.
I felt totally lost. For a long time I was searching for a special type of character.
A girl who felt like me. But how to find someone like that, without ever being able to express some feelings, because everything seemed to be that messed up . It's an ugly situation.
The only thing i can tell you is, there are people like you, having the same thoughts. And somehow Iam convinced it's not our fault alone. But i know it often does feel like it is.