GF can't let go of the past

[citizen cained]

hi all, long time no see.

I am in a relationship with a girl and have been for a year, we live together and are happy most of the time.

One thing which is wrong is that we argue about the same topic: one of my friends whom I have history with or my ex's

I will explain in short, a few years ago (before I met my gf) i got a bj off a long term friend who is also mutual friends with a lot of my close friends, in fact she herself is also a close friend, we were drunk and things happened, nothing more has happened since and we both agreed that we do not find each other attractive i.e I have no desire to ever do anything with her again (sexually)

My gf found out about this and went insane, since then she is very uncomfortable hanging out with her when we all hang out together (unfortunately not my choice due to the mutual friend issue), I have already told her that it was a stupid one night thing never to be repeated, trouble is, ever since she found out, when we argue, it is always about her or my ex's for similar reasons, she would sometimes mention her out of the blue (i.e she will say, is ***coming out with us tonight) Understandably, I get defensive due to the fact that this always leads to arguing and we argue, she says she just wants reassurance, by asking probing questions such as "why did you do it?" a question I have answered many times and get the answer "well you must have found her attractive" etc etc but I come back eventually with the fact that she shouldn't need reassurance and should trust me and she loses it again saying "of course I need reassurance about something I am terrified of"

Where my ex's are involved, it would be something as simple as mentioning them in conversation, she will question as to why I mentioned them or why I felt I needed to bring them up. I bumped into my ex in a club once with my gf, I said hi, she said hi to me and my gf and my gf lost it about 10 mins later saying I should have completely blanked her (I am not that kind of person, I forgive and forget)

She has been cheated on once in the past and she said this is to blame as to why she is so insecure around my ex's (whom I seldom see) and this girl. I understand this completely but I also feel that she should let go of the past, accept that that guy was a dick and move the fuck on from it. I myself have never lived in the past, I accept past is past and it's over and done with.

I have also never cheated and never will.

How can I solve this once and for all?

I can't cut the girl in question out of my life as that would mean cutting all of my friends out.

 

[smackydowners]

sounds like her problem.

if it were me id explain that basically when men are drunk, young and single, then things like this happen regardless of whether the other person is atttactive and that her bickering and jealousy is unattractive and hugely unfair as you have never once cheated on anyone.

maybe she needs someone other than you to talk about this with?

if the relationship is otherwise good then just put it down to her loving you and not wantng to lose you. and by giving her reassurance on the matter when needed.

if she's just a psycho-bitch then maybe it's time to tell her so.

 

[Meow1243]

Agreed ^ it sounds like she is being unfair. Frankly the people that you have hooked up with/dated in the past are absolutely none of her business even if you do still talk to them or hangout with them. If you've done nothing deceitful or untrustworthy then it's really not fair for her to give you a hard time about your exs and past hook ups. Next time she brings it up I would firmly and respectfully tell her that she has no reason to be distrustful of you and that there's no need to keep bringing up the subject, remind her that you have already reassured her of this.

Tell her how much you love and care for her and tell her that you don't like it when she keeps bringing up the past. If you explain all this in a level headed manner than hopefully she will not be upset with you. If it turns into another argument then I would certainly reassess this relationship. She sounds very insecure to me and it must be exhausting having to repeatedly argue with her over the same thing...

 

[citizen cained]

hi all, long time no see.

I am in a relationship with a girl and have been for a year, we live together and are happy most of the time.

One thing which is wrong is that we argue about the same topic: one of my friends whom I have history with or my ex's

I will explain in short, a few years ago (before I met my gf) i got a bj off a long term friend who is also mutual friends with a lot of my close friends, in fact she herself is also a close friend, we were drunk and things happened, nothing more has happened since and we both agreed that we do not find each other attractive i.e I have no desire to ever do anything with her again (sexually)

My gf found out about this and went insane, since then she is very uncomfortable hanging out with her when we all hang out together (unfortunately not my choice due to the mutual friend issue), I have already told her that it was a stupid one night thing never to be repeated, trouble is, ever since she found out, when we argue, it is always about her or my ex's for similar reasons, she would sometimes mention her out of the blue (i.e she will say, is ***coming out with us tonight) Understandably, I get defensive due to the fact that this always leads to arguing and we argue, she says she just wants reassurance, by asking probing questions such as "why did you do it?" a question I have answered many times and get the answer "well you must have found her attractive" etc etc but I come back eventually with the fact that she shouldn't need reassurance and should trust me and she loses it again saying "of course I need reassurance about something I am terrified of"

Where my ex's are involved, it would be something as simple as mentioning them in conversation, she will question as to why I mentioned them or why I felt I needed to bring them up. I bumped into my ex in a club once with my gf, I said hi, she said hi to me and my gf and my gf lost it about 10 mins later saying I should have completely blanked her (I am not that kind of person, I forgive and forget)

She has been cheated on once in the past and she said this is to blame as to why she is so insecure around my ex's (whom I seldom see) and this girl. I understand this completely but I also feel that she should let go of the past, accept that that guy was a dick and move the fuck on from it. I myself have never lived in the past, I accept past is past and it's over and done with.

I have also never cheated and never will.

How can I solve this once and for all?

I can't cut the girl in question out of my life as that would mean cutting all of my friends out.

Well, dont mean to bring up an old thread but 7 years later and it turns out that she had undiagnosed anxiety, she is now my wife and since being diagnosed and getting treatment she is a completely different person.

Sometimes people have problems they don't even know they have.

 

[Fiori di Bella]

I’m so glad you were able to work through this issue and get married. It must be a relief to know that she’s getting treatment for her anxiety and insecurities. It’s wonderful that it worked out and you’ve been married for a good length of time.