getting over a bad break up

[psytaco]

I guess I should give some background before I ask on advice:

over 2 years ago I met and feel in love with an American girl. She was on univiersity exchange in Australia. She was incredible beautiful, the type of woman who turns heads everywhere she goes. she was also very smart and for the most part a very loving and caring person. We spent 5 months together, and then she returned to the states spent 6 months apart but still in a relationship. I saved up to visit her in the US and stayed with her family, then we went travelling for 6 months together in Latin America. there was then 2 months apart but together and then she moved to Australia on a working holiday visa and we lived together in Melbourne. This was for about 6 months.

I could tell she struggling with personal issues whilst here. She was very depressed and anxious. but she had always told me she loved me dearly and it had nothing to do with the relationship. She had difficulty making friends, was worried about money and was working in a job that was beneath her. We had made plans to get married so that we could be together for when she moved back to the US next year to start medical school. so yeah, she was the love of my life. I never loved someone so deeply. and i was prepared to give up everything for her so we could move to the US.

for the month before we broke up I could see her really slipping. Her mental state was getting worse and I was paying money for her to see a psychologist to help her. Up until the end she said that how she felt had nothing to do with the relationship.

then finally, on one morning at 5am she wasn't back home. she told me she would be out be back around midnight. So I called her and asked what was up. She told me she had slept with another man, a co worker two days previously and was now at his house. she came back two hours later and as soon as she got out of the taxi she told me she wanted to be single and that she wanted to break up. I waas fucking devasted! then 6 hours later she moved out. I saw her 4 times since she has left. she is now back in the US.

basically, my world has been turned upside down. i went from having who I thought was my soulmate to feeling like a complete fucking idiot and having my heart ripped in two. She still maintains that I couldn't of done anything to keep her, that she didn't want to get married and that what was making her depressed was loving me but not being ready to make that committment. Yet, she has her facebook profile picture as her with the guy she slept with.

Anyway, I have now ceased contact with her and told her I will contact her again when I am ready. I have blocked her on facebook as I feel she is keeping that picture up just to hurt me.

i still do love her and in many ways she is still the person I loved. she gave me two months worth of rent, has written me a nice letter to say goodbye, and made some effort to see me before going back to the states even though it caused her alot of pain, awakwardness and guilt. but at the same time she has been deliberately hurtful.

THE SOLUTION?

i can never win her back. she is gone and on the otherside of the world. It is doubtful I will ever see her again.

But I am so filled with anger now. I wake up angry and go to bed angry. i feel like the one thing I loved and cherished in this world has been completely and utterly destroyed and done so maliciously.

i just want to know of other people's experiences in moving on? and any tips? And how long it takes normally?

I feel I am doing the right things. seeing friends alot, throwing myself into work, exercising, even going on some dates with women. But I still feel this black void engulfing me. I hae ceased contact with her because it was doing nothing but doing my head in. being dependent on her replies and then getting pissed when she either didn't reply or replied in a fashion I wasn't happy with. I would like to contact her in the future and keep in contact just to see how she is going with life, but at the moment I am not ready. i don't feel there is any good in being in contact with her if I am just going to be angered by it or respond in anger to her.

So yeah, what do I do to get over this?

 

[Prelude2TragedyII]

Well, I know it will be hard to see outside of the 'box' you are in right now, as I have been there 2-3 times before.
What you need to realize is that you both had a good time while together, and you gave everything you had to give , to try and make things work.
What happened has nothing to do with you, and is NOT your fault.

From how you are explaining things, she seems to have some issues of her own, and probably wasn't ready for a relationship to begin with.
She was probably just trying to be comforted and not wanting to be alone, and when things got serious, she broke it off (I know this isn't what you want to hear)

You have a right to be angry, as it really sounds like she wasn't communicating with you at all, on how she felt, or what her plans were.
Sounds like you gave her quite a few resources. I would be frustrated as well.

Anyways, as for getting over it, do you have a base of friends? Do you have anyone you can hang out with?
Anyone that can just help you relax, get away from things for a bit.

Exercise , stay active, eat healthy, get sleep.
If you feel up to it, try seeing new people. ( I know it's not something you are going to want to do, but, it will indeed help)

There are chemicals that we experience while we think we are in love.
And when we see these people we love, we get massive amounts of these chemicals.
Now that she is gone, you don't have these releases, and you are experiences 'withdrawal' if you will, from these chemicals.
In my opinion, the best way to overcome this, is to try your hardest at making 'new memories'
Try making new friends, try doing new things that you haven't done before, get a little bit outside of your comfort zone.

Sorry I don't have the best of advice, I'm sure someone else will come in with some better thoughts.

Sorry for your loss, I wish you the best.

 

[psytaco]

Hey dude. yeah she didn't communicate properly and only recently told me that she was depressed and anxious mainly because she knew she had to end it, but she still loved me and didn't want to hurt me. she was suicidal for months. And yeah, she still acknowledges that I did everything I could and was a great boyfriend. so from here it is just moving on.

our relationship began as she was recovering from a break up. when she came to Australia it was supposed to be a circuit breaker for her. But instead she ended up meeting me and falling in love. she has said that since she was a teenager she has always had boyfriends, and she just needs to have the chance to be single. I actually respect her wishes and if she would have had an open dialogue with me I feel this would have been a much better breakup. I had bad premonitions about moving to the US. the money necessary, giving up friends and family and a career. plus life is pretty good here in Australia for me, well up until recently. but instead she kept everything inside until it just exploded and she self-destructed and cheated and everything blew up in our faces.

i do have a reasonable group of friends. I have been seeing some of them once or twice a week. I have gone on a few dates but to be honest my heart is not in it. I have slept with two other women since then, but in terms of attractiveness they don't come close to her nor was the sex anywhere near as good.

I do need to go out more and meet new people and women. sadly since she has left my rent has doubled to the point of being half my meagre salary so i hardly have enough money to get by and pay the bills. Might need to get a second job, maybe in a bar - good combination of meeting new people and women whilst getting paid.

added to this I was using benzos solidly for three weeks, to try and block everything out and to sleep because after this happened I slept like 8 hours in a week! i stopped taking the benzos last week as I was determined not to get addicted to them, as I have before. so have been going through a mild withdrawal. It has also meant that I have to deal with all of these feelings. that has probably been the hardest.

But yeah, what you have said is good advice.

i might go back and visit family for a few days. its good to be around family plus I have a young nephew who it is nice to be around. I kind of envy toddlers and young children. they are too young to realise how fucked and hurtful the world and life can be.

 

[Lysis]

I'm so sorry, psytaco.

basically, my world has been turned upside down. i went from having who I thought was my soulmate to feeling like a complete fucking idiot and having my heart ripped in two.

Please don't feel like that. You know how many people fall in love and have their heart broken? Happens all the time, and there is no reason to feel stupid about it. You loved her and trusted her. Nothing wrong with that. It's on her for breaking that trust.

Some people take longer than others to get over a heartbreak. You also need to mend in your own way. I think family and friends can really help you snap out of the feeling and make you laugh and have fun.

 

[psytaco]

I'm so sorry, psytaco.



Please don't feel like that. You know how many people fall in love and have their heart broken? Happens all the time, and there is no reason to feel stupid about it. You loved her and trusted her. Nothing wrong with that. It's on her for breaking that trust.

Some people take longer than others to get over a heartbreak. You also need to mend in your own way. I think family and friends can really help you snap out of the feeling and make you laugh and have fun.

Thanks Lysis.

i just feel like a fool for trusting her and for not seeing the warning signs for what they were. But you are right, I took her at her word and that was all i could really do. Its just a pity that she lied about everything.

 

[mr.buffnstuff]

The way I see it, is that she ain't worth you being upset over. I always take this approach! I think she's a bitch and a ho! No matter what you say you DONT really want to be with her, your better than someone who will fuck someone else behind your back. Even if you got her back she ain't who you thought she was.
Just my opinion tho...

 

[Pagey]

Aah I'm sorry. That's a tough situation. How long has it been since the break-up?
You're definitely right in not contacting her anymore anyway, especially if she's doing things such as putting a picture of her and that guy as her profile pic on facebook, which just seems plain mean and vicious frankly. You're worth more than that. My only long-term relationship (over 2 years) ended because my ex left me for this girl it turns out he'd been seeing for the past few weeks, who also happened to be my 'friend'. We tend to get mad at the wrong people in these situations when frankly I think those who deserve to be mad at are those who cheated. Whatever if they had their reasons, you're allowed to be as mad at her as you want! (as long as you don't do anything stupid of course). It'll help you, I think, to focus that anger on her because it'll eventually help you realize how much better off you are without her.
Anyway, you asked how long before you get better..Well that's impossible to say, really depends on the person and the relationship, might help to look at your past relationships to gauge that? Personally it took me about 5 months to get over that 2 year guy although to be honest I'm going on 6 months now and I do think of him nostalgically every once in a while (though it's quite rare). But I'm guessing we were younger than you, maybe considerably so, and also it wasn't long-distance for us and stuff so see, there are many factors...but hang in there, you're doing the right things to get back on track.

 

[psytaco]

^ it was one month ago that we broke up. we were together for a bit over two years.

yeah i spoke to a friend about it today and she said that pretty much now I have a shit load of opportunities open to me. career, staying with friends, travel, money and women that I didn't have if i was going to get married and move to the US with her. she also said fuck her and not to contact her.

I am tossing up whether or not to write her a big fuck you email. I've written these previously, but never sent them. because I was worried about how it will effect her mental state. but according to my ex she is fine now - or at least she says so, I actually find it hard to believe considering how deep seated her psychological issues were and that they well and truely predated our relationship and the time period she was thinking of leaving me.

what do you guys think of this? better just to not say anything and leave things be or better to tell exactly what I think of her?

 

[pofacedhoe]

thats harsh, sounds like she wasn't that into you/had no long term interest for ages then shat on you to make a cauterised break.

shit happens, being angry is better than feeling sad.

you now have to focus on yourself and your needs and forget about her for a while

burning the bridge to her with a fuck you letter might be very cathartic. at the very least it will finally close the door on this shituation. if you vent your anger then maybe you wont carry so much of it...

 

[lady grey]

^ it was one month ago that we broke up. we were together for a bit over two years.

yeah i spoke to a friend about it today and she said that pretty much now I have a shit load of opportunities open to me. career, staying with friends, travel, money and women that I didn't have if i was going to get married and move to the US with her. she also said fuck her and not to contact her.

I am tossing up whether or not to write her a big fuck you email. I've written these previously, but never sent them. because I was worried about how it will effect her mental state. but according to my ex she is fine now - or at least she says so, I actually find it hard to believe considering how deep seated her psychological issues were and that they well and truely predated our relationship and the time period she was thinking of leaving me.

what do you guys think of this? better just to not say anything and leave things be or better to tell exactly what I think of her?

If you write her an email telling her how what she did made you feel i think that is fine. Could be good closure for you. I'd leave anger and personal attacks out of it though, from personal experience you might feel good for the 2 seconds after you send it and spend a lot longer regretting it. Leave the venting to friends. But telling her how it made you feel is just being honest, she already knows she fucked up and is probably hating herself for it more than you know.

Keep living life, seeing friends, keeping yourself busy like you're doing and slowly things will get better... one day you can look back and be proud that even though someone you love betrayed you, you handled it respectfully. I still shudder about things i said after my first boyfriend broke up with me, it was years ago and i use the excuse i was young but that's not it, i was angry and said things i didn't mean to hurt him and it did and it didn't make me feel better and by then it was too late.

 

[Ninae]

Start looking at other beautiful women. There are so many wonderful people, and if it doesn't work out with one of them there's little you can do, just try to think someone else you'll love as much/more will eventually come along. Maybe not the first one you meet who interests you will be as good, but eventually that's pretty much guaranteed. People just have different things to offer and you might not meet someone just like her but someone with different things to offer who you'll like just as much.

And one thing to always keep in mind, especially if you're young, is that most or nearly all relationships are only temporary, anyway, or that is all you'll ever want from them. Most who get married separate or end up wishing they'd never done it. So even if it had worked out your way you would most probably have lost interest in not that very long. Either by meeting someone else or just your feelings for her fading away. I find most relationships have a natural timespan of 6 months - 3 years and there are quite few who last any more than 2 years. But I prefer shorter-term relationships, anyway, or would rather have more relationships with more people than just a few long ones with some.

Also it sounds as she might not have felt as strongly about it as you if she was for instance happy with being apart for six months when the relationship was new and the feelings was the strongest. I mean, when I really fall for a guy it's complete agony and feels completely pointless not to be able to be with him. No way would I willingly stay apart for six months, that would be so hard I would rather find some way to get over him. Also, she might not be deliberately meaning to hurt you by showing pictures of herself with other guys and letting you know about it. Maybe it's just her way of more subtly showing you she's over it or more interested in someone else if she doesn't have the courage to say it outright. Females are quite cowardly that way, so it might just be her way of putting across the message. Anyway, if she's so much less into it than you it's probably a good thing that you can start to get over it, not much fun to be with someone who doesn't cre as much as you.

 

[Ninae]

I am tossing up whether or not to write her a big fuck you email. I've written these previously, but never sent them. because I was worried about how it will effect her mental state. but according to my ex she is fine now - or at least she says so, I actually find it hard to believe considering how deep seated her psychological issues were and that they well and truely predated our relationship and the time period she was thinking of leaving me.

what do you guys think of this? better just to not say anything and leave things be or better to tell exactly what I think of her?

I think you shouldn't send her a big "Fuck you" email as that will just validate her or show her how much you still care. Is that what you really want? I'd rather give her the impression I've moved on and am doing fine without her. And if she's made up her mind there's nothing you can acheive by it anyway, apart from making her feel sorry for you, I guess. But that would just make a guy seem even less attractive to me, personally. Girls also like to chase or are more likely to value someone who's not that easily available.

We all want what we can't have, right? If I meet two equally attractive guys and one seems obviously interested and the other one doesn't I'm more likely to go home thinking about the one who doesn't, all other things being equal.

 

[lady grey]

I think you shouldn't send her a big "Fuck you" email as that will just validate her or show her how much you still care. Is that what you really want? I'd rather give her the impression I've moved on and am doing fine without her. And if she's made up her mind there's nothing you can acheive by it anyway, apart from making her feel sorry for you, I guess. But that would just make a guy seem even less attractive to me, personally. Girls also like to chase or are more likely to value someone who's not that easily available.

We all want what we can't have, right? If I meet two equally attractive guys and one seems obviously interested and the other one doesn't I'm more likely to go home thinking about the one who doesn't, all other things being equal.

Actually this is true......

 

[llama112]

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Break ups are brutal.
Keep yourself busy. Try to forget about her as much as possible. It's hard ... but you've got to do this. Surround yourself with friends, hobbies, work, anything! Don't contact her. Not until you're completely over her. Even then ... you don't really need to contact her. There isn't really a reason to. But I'd say give it a few months before you even try to contact her. You need some time.

It may be hard, but why not look for another girl? Not necessarily for a relationship. Even someone else who is just a crush. Someone else who you can focus your attention on.

 

[psytaco]

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Break ups are brutal.
Keep yourself busy. Try to forget about her as much as possible. It's hard ... but you've got to do this. Surround yourself with friends, hobbies, work, anything! Don't contact her. Not until you're completely over her. Even then ... you don't really need to contact her. There isn't really a reason to. But I'd say give it a few months before you even try to contact her. You need some time.

It may be hard, but why not look for another girl? Not necessarily for a relationship. Even someone else who is just a crush. Someone else who you can focus your attention on.

Cheers. I have been a couple of dates through a dating website as I kind of wanted to just slowly dip my foot back into the single life. One of course ended up been alot fatter than the pictures, so yeah no attraction there whatsoever. I wnet on another date with a girl who was alot more attractive and we'll see what happens as she is completing her final year of law exams so isn't going to be free for another 2 weeks. we'll see what happens after that.

But yeah, you're right I just have to get myself out there more. On the weekend I had a couple of girls come up and hit on me, but again there was a lack of attraction on my behalf. I just have to man up next time I am out and talk to some of the women I find attractive. Never used to have problems doing this, but after being out of practice for a while I guess my confidence levels are a little down.

has anyone got any advice on where to meet women if you don't want to go to bars though? Due to us breaking up my rent has doubled so I have to be really tight with money until I finish work and move somewhere cheaper. so I guess somewhere not to expensive and that has plenty of women? I can still go out to bars obviously but will have to watch my drinking intake alot. In Australia beers are like 7-9 dollars US in alot of bars and nightclubs!

ninae: good advice. And yeah I didn't write the email. was a bit drunk last night when I wrote on here. I actually write her a letters now and then outlining how I feel but I just don't send them. its kind of cathartic. I won't be contacting her again until I feel that I am over her alot more, if at all.

just wanted to add one thing to what you said before in relation to her being cool with spending 6 months apart. She wasn't cool with it and it was very hard for her, for both of us. we both worked very hard so that we could save up enough money for me to come to the US to visit her and her family and to travel around latin america for so long. She only returned to the US to finish her undergraduate degree. there were no opportunities for her to finish it in Melbourne.

 

[Ninae]

Yes, attitude definitely makes a difference in how attracted you'll be to someone. Not all first meetings are like love at first sight, or instant mutual attraction, and sometimes something as silly as how available someone are compared to someone can be what makes the difference in the beginning.

Like, I haven't been able to get myself off that dating website yet, so everyday I get a few messages from various guys around my age. About one third of them are attractive and I assume most of them are pretty available. But I notice I never go to bed thinking about any one of them or even bother to reply. Though I'm sure there are some of them who are as attractive as guys I've responded to before, I'm just not looking for it, and they seem a bit too easily available. I guess there's no challenge in that, so I'm not really interested.

Also seems a bit too easy that guys you'd consider for a relationship would just offer themselves up that way. Without you having to work, or hope, or do anything for it. I just don't like it when it's that easy, I guess. Though my ex was easy enough to get involved with, or was up for it from we first met, but it was a real challenge winning his heart or getting him emotionally involved, so I never actually got bored or took him for granted or anything.

 

[lady grey]

has anyone got any advice on where to meet women if you don't want to go to bars though? Due to us breaking up my rent has doubled so I have to be really tight with money until I finish work and move somewhere cheaper. so I guess somewhere not to expensive and that has plenty of women? I can still go out to bars obviously but will have to watch my drinking intake alot. In Australia beers are like 7-9 dollars US in alot of bars and nightclubs!

If you move into a share house rent will be cheaper and chances are you'll have a new circle of friends inc females so that is always a good way to meet people if you don't want to take your chances at bars... Also i think it's pretty normal you're not attracted to these girls, you're getting over someone you still love and when you love someone no one compares to them. Try giving someone who doesn't wow you a chance, maybe they will grow on you. I'm from Melbourne and can vouch for the coolness of girls there, i know plenty, just keep looking. Good luck.

 

[Noodle]

A lot of people make connections with romantic hopefuls online nowadays. I recently read that 1 in 3 couples in America now meet online.

Time will mend your broken heart.

 

[smokemctoke420]

i only read your post and a couple replies cuz it was alot of reading but making reservations to see her or call her will just keep her in the back of your mind. you need to juts try to forget about her (i know easier said then done) and try to move on to heal up the emotional pain she has caused you. good luck bro, i hope everything works for you.

 

[psytaco]

I fucked up lately I got in contact with her on skype and sent her a message saying that I was angry and why? I then later sent her an email apologising and wishing her well. she then sent me something back saying she will give me the time I need to heal but that there were some things that she will send me at a later point telling me about why she left me.

i shouldn't of sent her anything. I had a moment of weakness and now to think that I could have prevented some of this is playing on my mind. but I often asked her if the reason she was unhappy had anything to do with me and she always said no. I think also that whatever reasons she gives is just her trying to justify her actions to herself. I still believe that what she did is inexcusable and it was not like it is the first time. she slept with other men whilst we were apart in different countries but still in a committed relationship.

i need to be strong and not contact her and I realise that when I do it just puts me back a few steps in getting over this. i just wish I could sleep through the next months. this is fucking awful! it is on my mind all the time.

but at the same time I am beginning to see that I now have so many options open to me in terms of career, relationships etc. that i would not have had if I had to move to the US to be with her. I guess the old saying 'one door closes, and another opens' is true. I can now pursue what I originally wanted to do now that she is not with me. I want to go out and meet other women but to be honest the drive is not quite there yet. Summer has come to Australia again and there are plenty of pretty women walking everywhere, so the drive to meet some of them will come but at the moment I just don't have it in me.

So here are the things I need to do:
1 - eventually go out and meet other women.
2 - not contact her.
3 - focus solely on myself and moving my career, fitness, friends and enjoyment forward. I am looking forward to going back to work as we have had two weeks off. At least that gives me most of the day to focus on other things. At the moment it is difficult because I have too much time to think.