Getting on the wagon after 8 years, some questions

[deucer8888]

Hey fellow opies this is my first post here but I could use some info from some of you. Recently I have stopped using all opies including subs.

I am 25 and jacked my back up in high school. That is when I first started using pills. It started with tabs and percs. Then I tried oxy for the first time and fell in love. I used heavily, about 300 mg a day until about 5 months ago.

I had always tried to quit, bouncing between sub and oxy when I wanted to get high. I never could get out of the scene so I moved to do summer sales and get clean in the mean time. I bought about 30 subs with me and finished them around July 7th. I weaned down to about 4 mg of sub a day and jumped cold turkey. I know sub is only a half antagonist but it still sucked. Chills and shits but the worst was no sleep.

Today is now the 30th and things are much better. I sleep about 6 hrs a night, but I still have the shits and that suprises me. I still am very lethargic and have little to no energy. I cam deal with all that shot I guess but I mean as I knock doors allday and have no energy nor do I even feel like myself, I catch myself pondering if I would rather be a user of opies. I dunno if u even know what I mean but life just seems so dull now. I feel shy and timid instead of buld and outgoing.

I love my friends and family and I want to achieve great things in this life, not just scrape by trying to pay for my next rail. Has anyone been here or have any advice?

 

[dokomo]

The only advice I can give you is time. You will recover, but it will take time and you'll have to tough it out.

Opioids have trained your reward systems to want them, seek them, etc and you have to train it otherwise. Keep yourself as busy as possible, find new hobbies and things to occupy time and EXERCISE. There's nothing better than exercise to get your system producing it's own endogenous opioids again.

 

[deucer8888]

I appreciate the advice. I'm worried that when I move back home in a month that I'll just fall back into old habits again. Have u kicked and stayed clean before, it just sounds like it's so rare for someone to stay clean. Have I opened pandoras box and am destined for a struggle my entire life?

 

[heyian2222]

deucer8888 i know how you feel. I have struggled with a heroin addiction for the past 4 years and it has made my life crap. I have been arrested numerous times, lost my families trust, spent 7 months in drug treatment and have sold almost everything i own to support my habit. What your doing is one of the hardest things if not the hardest thing for someone to do in life. I would suggest to just have faith in yourself and just know that life will get better. Also what keeps me going and what has helped before in the past is my spirituality. Not Religion but just putting your faith into a higher power whether its the universe, god or the collective conscience of all humans. NA/AA meetings definately helped me although i have noticed that around here not too many bluelighters are too enthusiastic about the whole 12 step thing. Just keep trying deucer8888 things do get better and you do not want to choose drugs over having a good life. Drugs will always show you the horrors of life.

 

[deucer8888]

Heyian2222, I'm in the same boat as you. I lost my fiancé and trust of my family but I just feel so different like my brain is rewired or something. I thought at almost the month part I wouldbe past all this and life would be just great and dandy. But the truth is it's not that great. Life is dull and boring sober. I want to stay clean but it seams like it will be a never ending battle, that at this point could be better if I surrender

 

[dokomo]

Heyian2222, I'm in the same boat as you. I lost my fiancé and trust of my family but I just feel so different like my brain is rewired or something. I thought at almost the month part I wouldbe past all this and life would be just great and dandy. But the truth is it's not that great. Life is dull and boring sober. I want to stay clean but it seams like it will be a never ending battle, that at this point could be better if I surrender

It's NOT never-ending though, that's a lie your brain is trying to sell you to get what it wants. It took the course of your addiction to train and reinforce your addiction and likewise it will take time to train it otherwise. You quit because that lifestyle was unsustainable and that will be true today, tomorrow, and next year as well.

You'd do yourself a lot of favors by relocating and not moving back home.

 

[Cane2theLeft]

Dokomo- 100% fucking spot on throughout.

I think this is more suited for The Darkside Forum so let's try it out over there.





--->TDS

 

[deucer8888]

Honestly i know I should stay moved away from Utah, like I said in 8 yes I was unablE to get completely sober and I move to do summer sales and get away from my friends and that scene, but a part of me misses my friends, family and horrible I know but the scene as well. I know no one out here and miss my life even if it is dope filled. Honestly if you guys had the choice would u walk away from everything to be clean and sober and lead a dull life or not? Sounds silly but true for me anyways. All I know is this is the longest I've ever been clEan and I think about dope everyday!

 

[dawnalla]

I feel the same way. I quit using oxy and decided to give up all my pillhead friends. Well now I have none. My phone never rings and I have no one to call except family members. It is very lonely. When I do talk to people that r still using it makes me mad and want to use. You really do have to find new friends. At least you are young enough that you can. You have a great chance because of your youth. I wonder if you stopped taking the Suboxone too early for your particular case. They say it depends on each person and maybe you need to be on the suboxone longer. I know my doctor keeps people on it for at least a year.

 

[deucer8888]

I wanted off the subs because I felt like I was a zombie more than even on ox. I was always tired and slept all the time. Subs just suck and I know for some people they are a life saver but for me i couldn't handle it anymore I just replaced one drug for another ya know

 

[dokomo]

Honestly i know I should stay moved away from Utah, like I said in 8 yes I was unablE to get completely sober and I move to do summer sales and get away from my friends and that scene, but a part of me misses my friends, family and horrible I know but the scene as well. I know no one out here and miss my life even if it is dope filled. Honestly if you guys had the choice would u walk away from everything to be clean and sober and lead a dull life or not? Sounds silly but true for me anyways. All I know is this is the longest I've ever been clEan and I think about dope everyday!

You still seem to be buying into the illusion that you're destined for a "dull" life forever. That is NOT the case. You're going to feel shitty for a while, but it is a necessary part of getting WELL (and you will get there, eventually.)

Of course you miss the scene, its associated with the drug and your reward pathways are trying desperately to compel you to use. As I said before, its going to take time and you've simply got to give it time and take LOGICAL steps to prevent yourself from relapsing.You have to be one step ahead of your brain, because relying on emotion or how you feel right now will only lead you to relapse and throw away the hard work and progress you've made. If you keep using, you're always going to end up in the same spot as you are now, the difference is you havent lost everything yet now. You can clean up, and accomplish the things you want to.

You asked about walking away clean and sober at the cost of being near friends and family? The answer is yes, its a choice that many here who have gotten clean have had to make. Addiction will cost you your family and true friends anyway. Making new friends outside the context of drugs is difficult, but you will learn how to do it and that in and of itself is a big part of getting/staying clean--knowing how to surround yourself with people who will support you and not be detrimental to you.

 

[HamClamp]

Good job getting off the dope!

Lethargy can go on for a long time. Make sure that you're eating well, of course try to get enough sleep. 6 hours ought to be enough but more is nice

You might think about taking a good multi-vitamin as well as a good general "tonic" such as Flax Seed oil or better yet Black Seed Oil (Nigella Sativa oil). Eat lots of fresh fruits and vegetables, drink plenty of water (this is often overlooked), maybe some L-tyrosine, 5-HTP, extra B-6, and one more thing that is of the utmost importance: Patience.

It took a long time to become addicted. It will take some time for the body and brain to recover from said addiction. Give it time, don't despair, as it WILL get better in time. Going back on opiates is NOT a valid option.

Feed your body and brain with good healthy things, be patient, and persevere. youworked hard to clean your act up. Just a little more work t get back to your fullpotential. You can do it! It WILL get better as time passes.

Best wishes for you!

 

[molly897]

it really does get better. i used to think everything was onesided and doomed and i'm not even in same situation as you. in my experience, sleep is the best time. whether you get much or not, i can always wake up feeling different than i went to sleep. dont ever think something you're doing is for nothing too, cause there will be that one day that will be that much better than the last that will make you realize things will turn around

you only miss what you know and were/are comfortable with. i lost everyone in my life and it took me two weeks of complete misery and heartache. i had someone there but i felt 100% alone. first time i did mdma, i said "i've been this happy before". i think it was then that i knew that i could get back to that. it had been soooo long since i was that happy, and now i'm that happy every single day. something bigger will come along for you. you know you dont want that life, you're already half way there. you're away from it, and you're not putting yourself in any bad situations hopefully. that's really all you can do at this point imo. i know a 25 yr old that lived on the streets, addicted to and sold crack, dope, robbed friends and strangers and took off without saying a word. he's got his own business and graduated from a well known programming university.

things turns around, every day. but if all you're thinking is "my life won't be as good as it was or as i remember ever again" etc then you're putting yourself into deeper depression. ugh, sometimes i STILL have to say fuck coke fuck coke fuck coke in my head.

and i know you can't say the good feelings makes up for the bad. cuz the bad is REALLY bad. remind yourself that all it does is changes you, and the people around you. priorities become out of order and you forget what's important. I like to have pictures of me smiling with my bf everywhere so everytime i get sad or mad i'm reminded of when I was happy.. and it reminds me that i'll be that happy again soon .. seriously thinking you're doomed is the worst part of it all. once you get over that things fall back into place. and i hate sayign this phrase but the best way to say is to 'get over it' in a way. i really hate saying that cause it isn't something you just get over by any means, but when you're feeling ur luck ran out and you have no hope, seriously, go to sleep, even if you're not tired, lay down. that has really saved me so many times it sounds ridiculous but its true. your brain regenerates serotonin in your sleep so when you wake up it makes sense that you aren't as sad as you were and actually in my case i forget alot


Srry for essay, i get in depth on adderall

if its any consolation, i was a walking fucking zombie after being addicted to mdma for a good 3 months. id eat a gram to myself in a night (sometimes two days a week or in a row), every friggen week, maybe every two weeks here n there. but the other 5 days of the week were spent feeling like an undereducated idiot and asshole until we did more molly. then eventually feeling like a moron became normal and I was going to work coming down and doing molly and going out and doing shit ..

last time i ate that shit was may 22nd, i had typed 4-20 first then i remembered. kind of sucks thought id not done it longer .. but anyway, i gave myself all kinds of bullshit and even landed in the hospital. my brain was fried. forgetting things mid sentence, loss of basic skills, motivation to get out of bed, touch my boyfriend, look at my bf. all i could do was stare at my fish tank and at the floor. this lasted for a month and a half. i dont even remember when i stopped feeling drugged up. but it took atleast a month and a half. waking up still tasting the drug u havent done in a week, snorting boogers back into your throat that you for some reason taste molly in too.. wanting to get high but not being able to cuz it sets you in a panic attack, so being forced to feel full throttle the shittiness .. yellow, sagging skin from extreme dehydration (http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs351.snc3/29177_126230504061954_100000250159190_247180_6118556_n.jpg that was the actual tone of my skin not the camera or lighting. thought i gave myself fucking jaundice when i woke up that morning). . i start shaking just thinking about back then. but yeah what im trying to say with that is even when you're physically fucked it still just takes time. the brain and body are a marvelous thing i've found - can withstand amazing amounts. a human isn't even supposed to be able to give birth, should be impossible. happens everyday, all day

 

[mr shush]

choose life

 

[heyian2222]

deucer8888... you should give yourself a break! Youve gotten off some of the hardest substances to kick in the world! Be greatfull for that. It will take time before life will start to seem better again. Just remember that you will be rewarded for staying clean in the long run. Us addicts tend to want to feel good then work later but in reality we must endure a little bit of suffering and boringness and dullness before we experience the great things life has to offer. We get through that bad part in our life by taking things one day at a time and just knowing that the minute we pick up that drug again all the pain and suffering will get a thousand times worse. Your addiction likes to tell you things that arent true. Just do what you know is right deep in your heart and if you persivere happiness will soon follow.

 

[Georgie25]

All my friends were drug users so when I decided to clean up after 4 daily years of IVing dope i lost them all. It's really hard cuz ever since highschool thats the only people ive known and have no clue how to meet and have fun with sober people. Now i usually am on my computer instead of going out just to stay clean...so not only do i constantly still think about drugs, I also am alone and it does not help with my depression and suicidal thoughts.

Ive been on subs for 8 months now and they do not help me in the getting out and finding friends department. They make me so fucking tired and lethargic..and zombie like feeling like you said. I take 4mg a day and am gonna have to get off them soon as i am down to the last of my pills i had saved when i left my sub dr. 3 months ago. I just hope i dont go back to dope.