Brokenbeyondrepair722
Greenlighter
Hello Homkind,
I posted awhile back about increasingly severe meth use, and the upsetting realization that I will most likely not be able to get clean anytime soon. This coupled with the knowledge that I do in fact have little regard for myself, I do not like myself or feel fondly about many aspects of myself. Even though I make it a point to be gentle with others, actually listen with empathy, when I have a woman/man over I do not force anything to happen, I will check in to see if they need water, would like me to cook a snack for them, or if there's anything I could do to help them feel more at home. I guess the people around my area must need more practice as hosts because the people I do have over always tell me that I am a nice person, and they do not feel safe normally with others, but they do with me. I have been complimented that I have a very "personal regard." and actually to my great amusement I was spoken about in a group with a coworker I had a pretty big crush on and she said, "They are a gentle creep." speaking of me. I believe they meant that in a fond jovial way. However, despite all these efforts I still have this inherent feeling of awfulness, dangerousness, messiness, and ugliness. Not to mention the fact that I am overly worried about my breath, odor, hygiene and how I look in public.
I recently (until tonight) had nine days without using anything. I was very proud, and I thought I was coping well with the considerable amount of weight I put on. (I am anorexic and struggle with this aspect of getting clean immensely). So I felt good that at the first message from my dealer I did not break and use immediately. I politely said "no." informing her that I am newly clean, and that she is making it very distressing to be this way right now. So a day goes by and I am feeling fat, really fat. I am intersexed, and despite presenting male when I gain weight my chest gets prominently larger and more visible through clothing. I used to have some bras that were tailored to my fluctuations, but I have lost a few in moves and the others I had mental fits and threw them away in a rage. Also, when I gain weight my thighs and waist get giant, while relatively no weight stores in my stomach. This leads people to believe that I am staying skinny. When I say "god I feel like a whale." my peers say, "you don't look any different!" but that's only because they can't make out where the weight sits because my clothing obscures it well. So, with that I texted my dealer and inquired about picking up, she said she's coming as quick as she can. To my surprise within the hour, so I used.
What is so upsetting is that I got through the admittedly mild acute withdrawal of meth, only to mess up and use nine days later because of the look of my body with the weight gain. Wanting to lose that pudge, and feel sexy again. I am hoping for some insight and tips/help on how to not get off meth, but rather stay off?
Any contribution is appreciated, and thank you all! I am trying like hell to save myself! But I do not think I can do it alone and without you friends!
I posted awhile back about increasingly severe meth use, and the upsetting realization that I will most likely not be able to get clean anytime soon. This coupled with the knowledge that I do in fact have little regard for myself, I do not like myself or feel fondly about many aspects of myself. Even though I make it a point to be gentle with others, actually listen with empathy, when I have a woman/man over I do not force anything to happen, I will check in to see if they need water, would like me to cook a snack for them, or if there's anything I could do to help them feel more at home. I guess the people around my area must need more practice as hosts because the people I do have over always tell me that I am a nice person, and they do not feel safe normally with others, but they do with me. I have been complimented that I have a very "personal regard." and actually to my great amusement I was spoken about in a group with a coworker I had a pretty big crush on and she said, "They are a gentle creep." speaking of me. I believe they meant that in a fond jovial way. However, despite all these efforts I still have this inherent feeling of awfulness, dangerousness, messiness, and ugliness. Not to mention the fact that I am overly worried about my breath, odor, hygiene and how I look in public.
I recently (until tonight) had nine days without using anything. I was very proud, and I thought I was coping well with the considerable amount of weight I put on. (I am anorexic and struggle with this aspect of getting clean immensely). So I felt good that at the first message from my dealer I did not break and use immediately. I politely said "no." informing her that I am newly clean, and that she is making it very distressing to be this way right now. So a day goes by and I am feeling fat, really fat. I am intersexed, and despite presenting male when I gain weight my chest gets prominently larger and more visible through clothing. I used to have some bras that were tailored to my fluctuations, but I have lost a few in moves and the others I had mental fits and threw them away in a rage. Also, when I gain weight my thighs and waist get giant, while relatively no weight stores in my stomach. This leads people to believe that I am staying skinny. When I say "god I feel like a whale." my peers say, "you don't look any different!" but that's only because they can't make out where the weight sits because my clothing obscures it well. So, with that I texted my dealer and inquired about picking up, she said she's coming as quick as she can. To my surprise within the hour, so I used.
What is so upsetting is that I got through the admittedly mild acute withdrawal of meth, only to mess up and use nine days later because of the look of my body with the weight gain. Wanting to lose that pudge, and feel sexy again. I am hoping for some insight and tips/help on how to not get off meth, but rather stay off?
Any contribution is appreciated, and thank you all! I am trying like hell to save myself! But I do not think I can do it alone and without you friends!
