Getting my wife to be more sexual....

[ihatepipes]

I have been with my wife for going on ten years. 6-7 years we cohabitated (for lack of a better term) and now we are married for about 2 years. Sex is great. I think it may be good enough for her to last awhile because it takes about a week for her to be into it again. The sex is passionate. It really is an act of love. Definitely not just two people fucking for the hell of it. It feels meaningful. So basically everything is good except I would enjoy once or twice a day a whole lot, but I know that is not likely to happen and I am ok with that.

So what does it take for me to get her to be more sexually motivated. The obvious things are help out around the house, listen to her when she is talking, support her in what she wants to do etc.. I have tried doing these things, and I have also tried to talk to her about it. I can't really fault her because everyone's sex drive is different and I would never cheat on her, but I would be overjoyed if I could get her to be a little bit more "sexually adventurous" i.e. initiating sex, acting like she is actually into me and is turned on by the thought of having sex with me (sometimes I wonder if she ever feels that way and it affects me a little bit). She does have some thyroid issues which I have read can affect sex drive and she also is believed to have PCOS so those two things are working against me, but I feel like there must be something I can do to bring about the change I am after.

Any constructive advice is appreciated.

 

[ShamusORiley]

With you there friend. Even though I am likely much younger than you, I've been committed for 5 years to the same girl and I know that the "wild sexual magic" diminishes over time. I think the important thing is to focus less on the sexual excitement and "animalistic" aspects of the act and focus more on the intimacy, the connection, on refreshing that bond that you two share. Instead of seeing how "wild" you can get with her, try and find out how deep you can get. Make it a moment, an event, show her that you are still passionate about the relationship. I think you should feel comfortable communicating your wish for more frequent sex, but work with her rather than against her to bring it about.

But then again, I know the other side of this coin. I know the feeling of being really in the mood, of wanting that experience, and being rejected, getting the "I'm not into it tonight". It sucks, it just plain sucks. My fiance is on SSRI's which kill sex drive, so it happens a lot. But the fact is that you can't change it. What you can change is your approach, your timing, and the amount of effort you put into getting her excited. Intimacy helps, building up to it slowly helps, a nice dinner date helps. It also helps to resolve any conflicts that took place earlier in the day before even thinking about sex, as she may still be hurting over an previous argument that you've long sense forgotten about. Doing this will let her know that you care about her feelings, and once you've resolved the issue and said your "I'm sorry"s and "I love you"s, you may be much more likely to begin intimacy successfully.

Edit: LOLOL! "Try and see how deep you can get" in a conversation about sex! I swear I wasn't trolling, I really meant emotionally deep. Sorry, I had to point that one out.

 

[double ewe]

one very common piece of advice for women in this situation is to "fake it til you make it", i.e. if she just goes with it even if she doesn't feel particularly turned on, she'll get into the mood and start to enjoy the sex once things get going. obviously not the kind of thing you can easily tell her to do, but if you can get her to do some "sexual" things that fall short of full sex, she may find herself actually pretty aroused. a couple things come to mind on that front:

-ask if she'd be willing to watch you masturbate. Maybe kiss your neck or let you play with her tits. It will probably sound easier to her than sex, and even if it doesn't get you exactly what you want, you still have a good time.

-have "naked parties." cut the lights out, take your clothes off and just snuggle under the covers. Make sure not to be pushy about getting sexual, and let the affection/intimacy/oxytocin work it's magic.

 

[SameOldShit101]

I am unfortunately in the same situation. I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years now and things have completely ended sexually. I try to initiate sex at least every other time I see her, and I actually succeed once a month. I am either told "I'm not in the mood, but I will force myself tomorrow" or "I just don't like sex, I'm sorry.. And I'm not just going to fuck you because you "need" to release" UGH ITS SO FUCKING FRUSTERATING. She says shit like "You need to be more intimate" but when I DO get intimate, even when I'm not trying to have sex, she stops me and says "I'm not having sex tonight" Which completely pisses me off on the inside. (Not to mention, I also feel pretty shitty about myself. Its obvious to me that I don't get her off.. So she doesn't want me. It doesn't matter what she says the reason is, its obvious I'm not.. good enough) I try. I try and I try to stop trying and then I try again and I try to do things for her, listen to her and be there for her, I take her out to eat, I do little things for her to hopefully earn my orgasm, but nothing works. I spent $80 on her for her birthday, nothing. I spent $60 on her for valentines day, she strait up told me we weren't having sex. I've even broken down and cried in the middle of Macy's after buying her some sexy lingerie. We were walking out of the store, and she said "Oh, by the way, I really don't want to have sex with you tonight" and, it really hit my heart hard and I began to cry. I don't know WHAT to do anymore. It IS making me be more aware of, and look at other girls. But I love her to death, I couldnt do that. She is on anti-psychotics and anti-depressants. I don't know what to do. It really does hurt, and make me feel like less of a man. If only they understood how and why it is so important to us and how it actually hurts us, emotionally AND quite LITERALLY, physically, to not be having sex.. If I use porn, my orgasm is infused with an onset of depression. i dont know.

 

[BeachBum4u]

I am unfortunately in the same situation. I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years now and things have completely ended sexually. I try to initiate sex at least every other time I see her, and I actually succeed once a month. I am either told "I'm not in the mood, but I will force myself tomorrow" or "I just don't like sex, I'm sorry.. And I'm not just going to fuck you because you "need" to release" UGH ITS SO FUCKING FRUSTERATING. She says shit like "You need to be more intimate" but when I DO get intimate, even when I'm not trying to have sex, she stops me and says "I'm not having sex tonight" Which completely pisses me off on the inside. (Not to mention, I also feel pretty shitty about myself. Its obvious to me that I don't get her off.. So she doesn't want me. It doesn't matter what she says the reason is, its obvious I'm not.. good enough) I try. I try and I try to stop trying and then I try again and I try to do things for her, listen to her and be there for her, I take her out to eat, I do little things for her to hopefully earn my orgasm, but nothing works. I spent $80 on her for her birthday, nothing. I spent $60 on her for valentines day, she strait up told me we weren't having sex. I've even broken down and cried in the middle of Macy's after buying her some sexy lingerie. We were walking out of the store, and she said "Oh, by the way, I really don't want to have sex with you tonight" and, it really hit my heart hard and I began to cry. I don't know WHAT to do anymore. It IS making me be more aware of, and look at other girls. But I love her to death, I couldnt do that. She is on anti-psychotics and anti-depressants. I don't know what to do. It really does hurt, and make me feel like less of a man. If only they understood how and why it is so important to us and how it actually hurts us, emotionally AND quite LITERALLY, physically, to not be having sex.. If I use porn, my orgasm is infused with an onset of depression. i dont know.

After reading this entire thread, I think you have it worse that the OP. I mean, after awhile all the rejection can really wear on a man and one's self-image. You are in a vulnerable place right now. I think if you were with another woman and she showed you even a little bit of attention, you'd probably be willing to jump in the sack with her, and who could blame you? I don't know what to tell you but I recognize what a difficult position all of this puts on a man. I wish most women would understand it all.

 

[ihatepipes]

:

I am unfortunately in the same situation. I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years now and things have completely ended sexually. I try to initiate sex at least every other time I see her, and I actually succeed once a month. I am either told "I'm not in the mood, but I will force myself tomorrow" or "I just don't like sex, I'm sorry.. And I'm not just going to fuck you because you "need" to release" UGH ITS SO FUCKING FRUSTERATING. She says shit like "You need to be more intimate" but when I DO get intimate, even when I'm not trying to have sex, she stops me and says "I'm not having sex tonight" Which completely pisses me off on the inside. (Not to mention, I also feel pretty shitty about myself. Its obvious to me that I don't get her off.. So she doesn't want me. It doesn't matter what she says the reason is, its obvious I'm not.. good enough) I try. I try and I try to stop trying and then I try again and I try to do things for her, listen to her and be there for her, I take her out to eat, I do little things for her to hopefully earn my orgasm, but nothing works. I spent $80 on her for her birthday, nothing. I spent $60 on her for valentines day, she strait up told me we weren't having sex. I've even broken down and cried in the middle of Macy's after buying her some sexy lingerie. We were walking out of the store, and she said "Oh, by the way, I really don't want to have sex with you tonight" and, it really hit my heart hard and I began to cry. I don't know WHAT to do anymore. It IS making me be more aware of, and look at other girls. But I love her to death, I couldnt do that. She is on anti-psychotics and anti-depressants. I don't know what to do. It really does hurt, and make me feel like less of a man. If only they understood how and why it is so important to us and how it actually hurts us, emotionally AND quite LITERALLY, physically, to not be having sex.. If I use porn, my orgasm is infused with an onset of depression. i dont know.

After reading your post I feel as though my problems are insignificant compared to yours. I know my wife loves me. Not to be rude but do you truly believe your girlfriend loves you? If you can't instantly answer yes without a seconds hesitation then I think it may be time for you to re-evaluate your relationship with her. I don't really want to say anything negative about her, but if she does not treat you well it is probably time for counseling or to move on. Do you know if there is any underlying traumatic experience (i.e. molestation, rape etc.)? The reason I ask is that those types of abuse can lead to "sexual dysfunction" later in life. I put sexual dysfunction in quotations because I am not implying that she isn't able. I am however implying that there may be some kind of psychological problem when it comes to thinking about sex (even if she knows she loves you she has so much baggage and negative experience with sexual acts so that it is impossible for her to get past her problems and treat you the way you deserve to be treated).

By the way I feel you about the whole masturbation leading to depression thing. Sometimes I am ready to go and my wife is not so I take care of myself like you do. However, I am not thrilled about this as most times she is home when I do. It is kind of frustrating to know the person I would love to have sex with is in the other room while I jerk it. The messed up part about it is 95% of the time she knows exactly what I am doing, and even though she doesn't necessarily like pornography she is happy it is available because she knows I would be after her for sex if it wasn't. I wish she would just come in there and be like "what are you doing jerking off when you have a perfectly good wife to fuck". I think I'd ejaculate instantaneously if that ever happened. I have gone in to her before and saying look help me out and she helps me finish, but it is kind of embarassing to walk into the living room with a raging hard on and say " hey, i have just been jerking off and realized I'd rather be having sex with you. Want to come to the bedroom with me and finish this up?

Now back to my OP: I don't want anyone to misunderstand me and think that I am unhappy with the relationship I have with my wife. Everything is good, the love is there for sure. I am happy with the sex but I think part of human nature is to always want something additional. After re-reading my initial post and thinking back on it I think that I am more interested in quality and not quantity. I would love to here her be more vocal about her sexual desires, tell me she is horny, I don't care. anything is better then me constantly having to initiate and never being seduced or surprised with lingerie or anything I feel that a normal couple's sexual relationship consists of.

Any suggestions as to how to bring this around?

 

[LuGoJ]

one very common piece of advice for women in this situation is to "fake it til you make it", i.e. if she just goes with it even if she doesn't feel particularly turned on, she'll get into the mood and start to enjoy the sex once things get going. obviously not the kind of thing you can easily tell her to do, but if you can get her to do some "sexual" things that fall short of full sex, she may find herself actually pretty aroused. a couple things come to mind on that front:

-ask if she'd be willing to watch you masturbate. Maybe kiss your neck or let you play with her tits. It will probably sound easier to her than sex, and even if it doesn't get you exactly what you want, you still have a good time.

-have "naked parties." cut the lights out, take your clothes off and just snuggle under the covers. Make sure not to be pushy about getting sexual, and let the affection/intimacy/oxytocin work it's magic.

This.

There was a woman on PBS talking about menopause once, she said the best way for a woman to increase her sex drive is to just start having more sex. My wife used to also have a low sex drive and she decided to take this advice even though she isn’t even close to having menopause. It worked like a charm and now we have sex at least twice a week.

 

[ihatepipes]

This.

There was a woman on PBS talking about menopause once, she said the best way for a woman to increase her sex drive is to just start having more sex. My wife used to also have a low sex drive and she decided to take this advice even though she isn’t even close to having menopause. It worked like a charm and now we have sex at least twice a week.

Do you know of a link to this show or segment. I would like to show it to my wife and see if she would be willing to give it a try. I think this may improve some of the other things I mentioned in my second post too. That is if she is willing to give it a shot.

There was also a priest awhile back preaching seven days of sex to his congregation (I am not religious but still sounded like a good idea to me).

 

[chugs]

I have been with my wife for going on ten years. 6-7 years we cohabitated (for lack of a better term) and now we are married for about 2 years. Sex is great. I think it may be good enough for her to last awhile because it takes about a week for her to be into it again. The sex is passionate. It really is an act of love. Definitely not just two people fucking for the hell of it. It feels meaningful. So basically everything is good except I would enjoy once or twice a day a whole lot, but I know that is not likely to happen and I am ok with that.

i've been with my wify god on nearly 13 years now and sex/love has always been awesomely great. from all night fuckathons, to positions, inside and outside the house its all been great. in fact i like to tell her about our different sexual era's (its like different geological ages but sex ages instead. see the first age was that we've just meet rip our clothes off, fuck all night craziness and so on).

So what does it take for me to get her to be more sexually motivated. The obvious things are help out around the house, listen to her when she is talking, support her in what she wants to do etc.. I have tried doing these things, and I have also tried to talk to her about it. I can't really fault her because everyone's sex drive is different and I would never cheat on her, but I would be overjoyed if I could get her to be a little bit more "sexually adventurous" i.e. initiating sex, acting like she is actually into me and is turned on by the thought of having sex with me (sometimes I wonder if she ever feels that way and it affects me a little bit). She does have some thyroid issues which I have read can affect sex drive and she also is believed to have PCOS so those two things are working against me, but I feel like there must be something I can do to bring about the change I am after.

Any constructive advice is appreciated.

the crazy thing is though our sex life was great. its been a long journey but being able to bring her to orgasm (lots of issues to work through) was a big one. Then last year for the first time ever we introduced heroin and bam my wife has turned into a sex crazed animal. In fact some nights i'm beggin to go sleep (one good reason not to do it during the week). and the range and different thigns we do have increased dramatically.

see i'd given up on the idea of her and another girl, anal, and other group sex things. I realised a long time ago that I would rather a happy wife that loves to fuck rather then a wife who is constantly questioning whether her husband needs more then her. See it was a matter of self-esteem and i'm big on the hypocrisy thing. I the shoe was on the other foot and my wife was pressuring me for things I didn't feel capable/comfortable of doing then I wouldn't like that.

Like if my wife wanted to watch me fuck another man I would have serious misgivings. So I could hardly claim I loved her and yet try to force her into things that she didn't want to do.

but like Cat Steven's said "Look at me, I am old, but I'm happy" and thus for the last few years we've had a passionate, beautiful sex life. But bam, had a fairly significant birthday and we decided to partake in some opiate madness. Before I knew i'm doing shit that make a porn star blush. the words, the foreplay, the fantasies....talking about threesomes (i'm not ready to bring someone into the room, can you believe that). but its all happening. anal sex (holy moly). deep throating full on porno style (and I wasn't the one suggesting it). lots of bdsm

anyway i shouldn't write so much considering certain people know my handle but yeah its been increadible journey in the last twelve months. If it was possible I could sworn my cock was about to fall off from all the actions its recieving

so is there a moral to the story. well its a dangerous rocky road using H is all I can say. but fuck its been fun.

 

[ihatepipes]

@ Chugs

My wife is straight edge hasn't even had a drop to drink since she was 21 (thankfully she doesn't mind me indulging from time to time). I have never done heroin either myself so that is a no go. I don't even actually have any problems with the sex we do have. I fucked like your talking about in my youth and all it took was alcohol and weed (i'm not talking drunk sloppy sex i'm talking about the crazy fucking you described inside, outside, kitchen counter, shower, gf's parents mini van in the driveway at 3am, head while driving etc. etc.). i'm not saying I wouldn't mind it just that it is not really a priority. Haven't ever had difficulties getting her to orgasm either and I am not being conceited because a major part of this is simply the result of the fact that nothing is wrong with her physiologically that would cause difficulties achieving climax.

I would be satisfied with her ripping my clothes off every once in awhile or even a random blowjob would suffice. Don't really want to tell her to do it because it wouldn't be the same.

 

[chugs]

maybe suggest she do pole dancing. I find the pole dancing itself fairly boring but the girls love it and its all female environment and its a great excuse for them to run around in their underwear, dancing sexily, and getting fit at the sametime.

that really really helps my wife to feel comfortable about her sexuality and was awesome way to build confidence (to explore and do other things).

and i guess the end of year dance where you watch a dozen women in costume pole dance ain't so bad.

 

[ihatepipes]

maybe suggest she do pole dancing. I find the pole dancing itself fairly boring but the girls love it and its all female environment and its a great excuse for them to run around in their underwear, dancing sexily, and getting fit at the sametime.

that really really helps my wife to feel comfortable about her sexuality and was awesome way to build confidence (to explore and do other things).

and i guess the end of year dance where you watch a dozen women in costume pole dance ain't so bad.

Her level of comfort with the way she perceives her body image plays a part in this whole situation i'm sure. I guess there is nothing that anyone can tell me on these boards that will "rectify" the situation. It is probably time to stop asking questions here and try to get in contct with a medical professional that specializes in these types of situations.

Thanks to everybody for their suggestions. even though they are not likely to help my situation it helped me to realize that some intimacy counseling might be in order. For all I know she could have a problem with me that she is not bringing up. Maybe I am not fulfilling her needs to where she feels inclined to do the things I would like her to do (mainly be comfortable with her sexuality and realize that no sexual behavior is abnormal/slutty/whorish as long as it takes place between two consenting adults). 8)

 

[LuGoJ]

Do you know of a link to this show or segment. I would like to show it to my wife and see if she would be willing to give it a try. I think this may improve some of the other things I mentioned in my second post too. That is if she is willing to give it a shot.

There was also a priest awhile back preaching seven days of sex to his congregation (I am not religious but still sounded like a good idea to me).

I will try to remember her name, i am drawing a blank right now. She is an older woman that writes books about menopause and often gives seminars. maybe someone else can come up with her name while i think about it.

 

[QuasiModo]

She'd prolly wanna fuck you more if you were mad burly ripped and cut and shit. Start working out, she'll notice. I'm tryna motivate myself here if you couldnt tell lol..

 

[hiphophippy]

Tantric Sex