wow man, you sound EXACTLY like me right now. I was clean for 6 years and then came back about 3 years ago and been on board since. I came back to 80's and 30's being avail. then the 80's faded and became the 80's you could not crush, so I moved to 30's. as that addiction picked up and I was whacking down 6+ a day the price got higher and higher and before you know it we're talking $$. so a "friend aka dealer" all of a sudden has brown. brown happens to be cheaper than 30's and work just as good. BANG! I'm a dope fiend. my withdrawals do suck but not as bad as some make it out to be. I have been daily user of 1-3 grams a day depending on money. sniffer/shooter somehow. people area always shocked that I still sniff even tho I shoot as well. somehow I am obsessed w/ the sniffing process more than the needle. although, I do feel the needle has it's time where I LOVE IT; then there are the times I HATE IT and feel like dirt when blasting.
over the past month I was open to the GF/family and said I need help and checked into a rehab. I took a month off from work w/ some whack ass excuse and they let it be but w/ no pay, so rent, cell phone, etc, was all pushed back. and of course being a junkie I really didn't have money to lay on so my GF picked up the bills (very lucky I know). after being in rehab 2 days I had my cousin come get me and drive me home. I couldn't last because we just sat there and talked street talk; shooting dope, speedballs, who has better dope, etc. so I go home that day, grab $$ and a hotel for the night and dope and xanny are loaded up. I get calls that night from the GF/family and both are aware I am out and on a run. the next day I go to the parents and tell them I am staying there a week and going through the withdrawals. making my parents house my detox. I gave them my cell phone, wallet and car keys and sat in for a week. it was tough because after 24-36 hours I'd start to throw up, shit my pants, actually have the runs and have my mom have to see my underwear like that at the age of 30, get the dry/hot sweats, legs moving, alot of sleep nights 1 and 2 and then no sleep 3-7. on days 4-5 I am sleepless and I am getting accused of using because I am not acting "right" so that bothers me and I try/attempt to use but they have me blocked by having ALL OF MY STUFF. come day 7 I am starting to feel better and need to get out of the house because the detox at home has put me on edge w/ my parents and GF. so I leave after day 7 and go another 2 days before picking up. after the pick up I feel bad but it was done and too late. then I go 4 days and feel no withdrawals and with my mind thinking I have this beat.. guess what I did? I got more dope. then 4 days goes by again and I truly feel I have kicked the habit.. so guess what I do then? do more dope. that was yesterday, and guess what I did today? more dope. tomorrow at 3 I am going to meet with a counselor for a program (out patient) that I have gotten in to. it's supposedly a great out patient program in the Boston area. I am going ot push for the VIVITROL shot but I would need to run 7 days clean prior to the shot which I THINK I am capable of doing; after all, I am coming of 9 days just 2 weeks ago and that's the longest I've been sober for in years and years. I was considering Sub but I feel it's addiction part 2. Sub are always something I had just in-case but never really did them. even when I did take a Sub I still had the urge and would go out and get the brown the minute I could. I'd do it regardless of how many hours passed. not sure if I got high or not but told myself I did. sick, huh? never really felt the Sub worked for me which is why I kicked it at home w/ nothing. even while in detox for the 2 days I stayed away from the methadone and went w/ benzo type detox just to put me to bed and keep me laid out.
always found it easiest to kick dope sick by throwing down a benzo. that's, of course, if you already do not have a problem w/ benzos as well. i was prescribed 90 .5's a mo but canceled my script because I got scared of the addiction. I would read about benzo withdrawals and nothing but horror and I was already starting to abuse so I kicked that while still using the dope. the minute that was gone I was on to kicking the dope and making sure the prescription was CANCELED.
anyway, sorry for coming in this thread and taking over. didn't meant to at all. just felt I could relate and know exactly where you're coming from. its 4AM and I am up writing on a drug message board because I have nothing else to do and I am up for whatever reason. haven't been high since 7PM, so that's not why, right? ha. I have tomorrow off for a Dr's appointment at 3PM (this having to do w/ the brain tumor I have - a whole different story - whacky one, of course) so I am just browsing the board before I attempt bed. I can really relate to a lot being said but I am an ADDICT, so of course I can relate to a lot being told, right? ha.
I wish you nothing but the best, man. It can surly be done; we've both done it before and are on our way to doing it again! LETS DO IT!