Getting back into dating after recovery

[bennyZA]

Social was the best way for me to basically say... What's the best way to go back into the dating scene after a serious addiction. I really want to find women who have been through the same thing as me, but that's probably a bad idea, we'll probably relapse.

I'm having incredibly difficult time getting back into the dating games. I have very few friends who were not part of my "troubles." So I don't even know where to pick up women. What's other peoples experiences with getting back into the dating scene after their recovery.

 

[sconnie420]

Good question, bro.. I'm in a similar situation, sort of, not really..
I mean getting back in2 the game..

You may not find some1 with the experiences as you, maybe try looking for some1 who is understanding of it.
Plenty of fish in the sea, just a matter of finding a decent 1.

 

[Pagey]

Out of curiosity, why do you necessarily want someone who's been through the same as you? I agree with sconnie, I think it'd be better to find someone who just accepts and understands what you've been through without necessarily having shared the same experience.
As for where to pick up women...really depends, how old are you for starters?

 

[captaincaveman]

What I was told and later learned to my detriment is not to spill the beans to early. So on a first date, don't bang on about your addiction troubles. We all have our crosses to bare and getting down to your intimate problems ain' the best start. Don't go out with somone from a fellowship, you'll get burned. Focus on other interests (apart from drugs!) and it should work out. You aren't defined by your addiction, I'm sure you have many aspects of your life that is untouched. Be careful, I revealed something that really could've waited but least I found out early what she thinks of junkies (still text but after what she said to me, she's dead to me).

As for meeting women, try bikram yoga. As it' so hot it's done in beach wear and you'll notice if someone is checking you out. Not only is a good for recovery but easy to ask someone for a coffee afterwards. I don't care about your age, it gets harder as you get older for sure but if you're clean get in the game (bikram done wonders for me until converasations about the philosophy about yoga, then I make a hasty exit!) So bikram, a reading group (if you have profound things to say about the text, PM if you don't, I bullshitted my way to an A in A-Level with this shit)

Don't know hoe bad your addiction was (because Jesus it varies on this site) but make sure you're in a good place first. If you're delicate women can pick you to pieces (this isn't sexist, true in my experience)

 

[MzAnthroP]

Social was the best way for me to basically say... What's the best way to go back into the dating scene after a serious addiction. I really want to find women who have been through the same thing as me, but that's probably a bad idea, we'll probably relapse.

I'm having incredibly difficult time getting back into the dating games. I have very few friends who were not part of my "troubles." So I don't even know where to pick up women. What's other peoples experiences with getting back into the dating scene after their recovery.

I personally found a fantastic relationship with a sober woman after being about two years sober myself. I think it is super common for people to immediately seek that kind of companionship once they've gotten off drugs, but whenever I was actively searching for it, a real and positive relationship eluded me. I just ran into a lot of insanity. I live in an area where there are a fuckton of sober people. I eventually met my fiance at a cafe she was working at when I was trying to get my sober friend a job there. It was only coincidence that she was in AA.

I have a good friend who has met many "normal" women who were absolutely fine with his not drinking or doing any partying. He told me the other day that he had this epiphany and realized he's actually more fun to be around now that he isn't fucked up all the time. Before that realization he kind of always felt like he was being a drag when his date would order a glass of wine or something. His experience seems to be the same though; when you're actively looking for it is is much harder than when you just let it come to you.

Also bikram rules. Dating a yogi is desirable for obvious reasons, but people who are into yoga tend to be a lot more accepting of this kind of life adversity in my experience. The studio I did bikram at was owned and operated by a woman who got through her struggles with eating disorders by practicing yoga. Her classes were fantastic and taught me a lot about myself and my own addiction.

 

[bennyZA]

Out of curiosity, why do you necessarily want someone who's been through the same as you? I agree with sconnie, I think it'd be better to find someone who just accepts and understands what you've been through without necessarily having shared the same experience.
As for where to pick up women...really depends, how old are you for starters?

Well, I don't want to hide things from a potential mate, and I want them to truly understand me. It's really hard to tell someone who's always been sober that you od'd and used to be an addict, they frown upon that. I want someone who understands, and wont hold my past over my head, so to speak. At the same time, I don't want to 13th step it so to speak. I already have to tell potential gf's that I have a potentially fatal disease, it might be a lot to tell them I'm an addict too. Honestly, I NEED companionship in my life, but I can't stand the idea of hurting someone so much if I start using again. I did it to a gf once before, she was cool with my drinking and my drug use, and then I hurt myself to all hell, and pretty much abandoned her because she couldn't handle what I was doing to myself, I can't do that to another woman again.

As for where to pick up women...really depends, how old are you for starters?

I'm 25, live in a downtown area, near clubs, in a major city. I don't go to NA/AA, so I can't really find women there. Like I said, I'm in dire need of companionship. I'm lonely since I cut off contact with my user friends. I also need to love someone... I really do, I want to become addicted to someone I love.... I had a one night stand recently and it really bothered me afterwards, that's why I' talking about a real relationship, not just hooking up.

 

[spork]

I eventually met my fiance at a cafe she was working at when I was trying to get my sober friend a job there.

Fiance?! That's news to me! Congrats, man. She's a lucky girl.

Benny how long have you been sober? Sorry if you answered this already and I missed it. It might be best to just work on your sobriety and getting to know your sober self for a while before being in a relationship.

Also, if you need the companionship just work on that first. Go volunteer, take classes, or go to other events that interest you. You'll find friends that way. Personally, I've never had a serious relationship blossom from dating but rather they've always been with guys that I've been friends with first. My boyfriend and I were friends for years before anything really blossomed from the friendship. Hell, he used to give me advice about other guys in the past. :D A lot of times when you're not looking for a relationship is when you'll find yourself to be in a great one.

Take your time and don't put too much pressure on yourself.

 

[Pagey]

Well, I don't want to hide things from a potential mate, and I want them to truly understand me. It's really hard to tell someone who's always been sober that you od'd and used to be an addict, they frown upon that. I want someone who understands, and wont hold my past over my head, so to speak. At the same time, I don't want to 13th step it so to speak. I already have to tell potential gf's that I have a potentially fatal disease, it might be a lot to tell them I'm an addict too. Honestly, I NEED companionship in my life, but I can't stand the idea of hurting someone so much if I start using again. I did it to a gf once before, she was cool with my drinking and my drug use, and then I hurt myself to all hell, and pretty much abandoned her because she couldn't handle what I was doing to myself, I can't do that to another woman again.



I'm 25, live in a downtown area, near clubs, in a major city. I don't go to NA/AA, so I can't really find women there. Like I said, I'm in dire need of companionship. I'm lonely since I cut off contact with my user friends. I also need to love someone... I really do, I want to become addicted to someone I love.... I had a one night stand recently and it really bothered me afterwards, that's why I' talking about a real relationship, not just hooking up.

Fair enough. I just think it's very possible to find someone who can understand and accept what you've been through without having lived it herself. I told my current kind-of boyfriend (it's complicated) about my various drug problems on our second 'date' (yay drunkenness) and he actually said he was extremely impressed that I'd gotten through it and it just made him like me more. So it can really go both ways but don't assume only another recovering addict will be able to accept your past! And if you end up with someone who doesn't accept it well, trials and errors...you deserve better than them in that case and they wouldn't have been worth wasting time over anyway.
I understand what you mean about needing a relationship right now and I feel the exact same way. As for places to meet women, I don't really think clubs and bars and stuff are the right way to go for relationships so I'd consider joining clubs, stuff like sports clubs or art classes or whatever interests you. Do you go to uni or have a job? Obviously that would be another way.

 

[tackyspiral]

What I was told and later learned to my detriment is not to spill the beans to early. So on a first date, don't bang on about your addiction troubles. We all have our crosses to bare and getting down to your intimate problems ain' the best start. Don't go out with somone from a fellowship, you'll get burned. Focus on other interests (apart from drugs!) and it should work out. You aren't defined by your addiction, I'm sure you have many aspects of your life that is untouched. Be careful, I revealed something that really could've waited but least I found out early what she thinks of junkies (still text but after what she said to me, she's dead to me).

Don't know hoe bad your addiction was (because Jesus it varies on this site) but make sure you're in a good place first. If you're delicate women can pick you to pieces (this isn't sexist, true in my experience)

I cant agree more... this goes for making "normal" friends also ... dont send them running for thier lives before they get to see what an amazing person you are

i have def made the mistake of laying it all out there because i did believe it defined me...

 

[hthr007]

Sobriety is of course your first priority. After you've been sober for a while then I think it's a good idea to give dating a shot.

Personally I would find someone who I just click with. I wouldn't go out and purposely look for someone who has been through the same things as me. IME it's just a recipe for trouble. If later down the road you find out you both have a similar past, then that's a different story. But I wouldn't make finding someone who was an addict a must when finding a potential mate..

Also, like other posters have mentioned, don't talk about your past early on. That can certainly scare someone away. Ease into it. If the relationship progresses to the point of love and there's a mutual trust there, then that's when I personally would mention it.

Perhaps try meeting women through interest groups, cafés, etc? Try to steer clear of bars/clubs.

Most of all make sure you're emotionally ready

 

[opium]

lonelyfarmers.com

you could get a job on a farm and meet a girl at the same time. lmao jk

But seriously a dating site could do you good, you have a pick of TONS of women, and if anyone messages you that you dont like, you dont have to reply.
its something you could do on the side when you get home from work, hanging out with people, ect. just check your mail.

on the other hand, ive been clean about a month, and i havent had that urge to find a partner. i feel the more time im by myself, the less opportunity i have to get in trouble. so i like to limit how much im around, because its like when you use, you got a sign on you..ive had girls come talk to me, just to ask if i wanted to hang out and go use. didnt even know them..somehow they knew. so watch out for those girls you used to hang with when you used, cause you might get used

Relationships bring stress, stress brings the coping habit of abuse. like a never-ending circle. just make sure your ready for that

good like finding a girl brother

 

[hthr007]

relationships bring stress, stress brings the coping habit of abuse. Like a never-ending circle. Just make sure your ready for that

qft.

 

[bennyZA]

You know, after a year of being clean... I think I'm emotionally ready. I'm a social animal and I've spent the last year learning how to be comfortable with myself... Now, that's getting old. I'm definitely still comfortable with myself, something I'm really proud of. Yet, I really think it's time to get back into the dating game. I've tried meeting women online... surprisingly harder than I thought it would be

Another major problem is that, well, frankly, I'm not capable of living on my own just yet. I live with my parents at 25 (Ughhh!) but that's because I need to be more financially stable before I can afford a place of my own. I also like having that safe environment where I know I can't use. I've watched other peoples houses, and been on my own at my parents and could have used when they were gone, but I was able to control myself. Women who see a guy living with their parents at this age aren't too stoked about that. Like I said earlier, I'm also permanently injured cause by a severe neurological disorder. So, it's hard to get around not talking about that soon. I also don't want to lie about my injuries to avoid mentioning that they were caused by the disorder. Lying out of the gate is probably not a good idea.

relationships bring stress, stress brings the coping habit of abuse. Like a never-ending circle. Just make sure your ready for that

True, but I feel I'm ready for that. In my experience, relationships also bring happiness and support. I don't want to go it alone forever, you know?

 

[Furry mouth]

Take your time and don't put too much pressure on yourself.

Agree with Spork. Women will smell desperation. I was in same situation, wanted someone to love and when I stopped looking two came along and I picked a gem...my soulmate!
You sound like a great guy, take care, go easy and love will come to (sounds cheesy but it's true).