Get high? Not today.

Well, today is 31 days clean for me.

Things aren't bad at all. I'm feeling better about myself. I'm more confident and haven't been depressed in a long time (It looks like I was misdiagnosed back in '93).

I'd still like to get high.

When I was heavy in my addiction getting high wasn't fun. It was something that got me through the day free from feelings and emotions.

Now that I'm a month into this I find myself thinking "Hmmm, I could run to the city, grab a couple of bags and a spike and have some fun".

Getting high hasn't been fun for me for well over 16 years. Why do I think it would be different now?

Cravings and thoughts of using are always going to be there. I just can't fool myself into thinking it will be different this time.

I need to remember that I need to focus on my need to stay clean and can't jeopardize that for others.

I've been planning on stomping on this dude that is selfishly sucking everything he can out of the girl I'm seeing. He is heavy into his drugs and is doing what most of us addicts do.

I think I want to hurt him so much because he reminds me of me.

Do I still hate myself?

Maybe I simply hate who I was?

Most likely it is a little of both.
 
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Dandiwer
Congrats on 31 days bro, I myself and only on four days but I've been where you are. When I was two months clean in IOP Treatment, I remember my relapse so in detail down to the heroin addict John I did it with. I remember where I picked up our half gram and meeting up in the parking lot and shooting the whole thing. I thought it was a one time thing but by the time I was out of treatment I was full blown addict again. Dope sick and all.

It's so temping to say one more bag, but be honest with yourself, where has that led before? Will this time really be different? The disease of addiction is just like any other disease, it's there to stay. It will be waiting for you once you relapse.
 
Pillthrill
It is going to be awhile before the cravings go away and you have to be aware that things will be harder when times are tough but you will do better if you are somewhat prepared. You are doing a great job dude and there are a lot of people that are more than happy to support you.
I think one thing that you might want to consider when you are craving is how much you could put yourself in danger. Serious. I mean you have gotten yourself clean, you don't know what your tolerance is, plus there is always the risk of not knowing exactly what your getting (that is always there), you could really hurt yourself or worse should you decide to use. I don't know if that helps you to consider or not. but you know me, I'm prone to worry. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help you :) Keep up the good work.
 
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