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Fucking Losing It...

Ninevah

Ninevah

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 20, 2003
Messages
534
Location
Southern Kentucky, USA.
So, things got so fucking bad that I signed myself into rehab. This wasn't like the fancy Palm Springs rehabs you see on tv. This was a government funded rehab where the Department of Corrections sends it's inmates when the jails are too full. Out of 100 people there only 5 were there by choice. I was one of the 5. It was a very structured place. I spent 25 days in a room full of other newcomers, and having to wear scrubs and be escorted everywhere I went in the building by staff. No phone calls. No visits. No mail. We did classes and meetings all day long. I'm rambling now, but I'm just trying to get the point across that I hit the motherfucking bottom and realized that anything had to be better than where I was at. Even this place.

It sucked, but I stuck with it by continuing to breath and moving forward. Sometimes it was all I could do to just keep breathing. I made it 6 months there clean, and decided to come home. I have 3 kids at home, and I love them so much. A couple weeks after coming home I wanted to do something just to feel different, because it had been so long since I had felt anything but uncomfortable (I didn't ever seem to feel normal when clean). I started taking a suboxone here and there (4mgs most of the time). For the past couple of months I've taken them about every 5 or 6 days. It fucking kills me after all that I put myself through that I'm letting myself slide right back into the hell I worked so hard to get myself out of. WHY?! Why do I want them so fucking bad that I can't stand it? It's like I've been walking around mad at the world wanting something (anything) to ease my mind and give me comfort. Completely feigned out. I don't understand it. I see myself doing this and I can't stop even though I don't want to fucking do it.

My legs are aching like a motherfucker tonight, and it's been 5 days since I last did a suboxone. I don't know if it's all in my head or if I'm really physically addicted to them again. I know that I am mentally and should have never touched another one as long as I live, but I did, and now I just feel like I'm screwed. I went from feeling somewhat okay when I left rehab to having to fight tooth and nail to not get high every day only 3 months later.

Why can't I just feel good when I'm clean? Why can't I feel like other people? I see other clean addicts having fun and having friends, and I just walk around avoiding everyone and being miserable. I have been to meetings and would love to hang out with the people there, but I can't hardly bring myself to look them in the eye.

I feel absolutely fucking crazy, and I'm so sorry for wasting your time. I've been a member here since 2003, and I always know I can come back to BL when I can't go to anyone else.

Thank you.
 
What I need is to find other people in recovery. NA is great, and I'm working on making friends there. I go to meetings. I need some friends here that I can talk real talk with. If you're an addict / ex-addict (however you refer to yourself) please add me as a friend here so that I can have someone to talk to when I'm feeling like this. I don't have anyone at all anymore.
 
it sounds like your still suffering depression as a PAWS from your opiate addiction

have you tried pursuing more hobbies like swimming (getting outside and in the sun is good), exercise etc

also there are supplements like magnesium, fish oil etc that will help lift mood, increase energy etc

the best thing you can do is swear against using them again, stop now (because its only going to get harder the longer you keep doing this), and dont let yourself be around drug friends, delete all your drug contacts on your phone and start seeing the positives that come from you not using drugs to escape your problems. A part of maturity is dealing with the reasons that make you need to have a sub after a shitty day at work etc

have you tried immodium/dxm/kratom etc for withdrawal?

good luck mate! life is better clear than foggy
 
Once you have had a habit it doesn't take long if you start using again until you once again have a full blown habit, it happens a lot quicker than it first did to get yr habit.
As the poster above said,you need to get and doing something to keep u busy.
Exercise is great because if you are getting the urge to use you can go outside for a run or even just going for a nice walk can help you feel better and it helps to take your thoughts away from drugs while you are doing something.
I wish you all the best mate.
 
If you talk perusing about hobby then swimming is also mine favorite hobby.
 
There's no high in sobriety; there's nothing good other than the sense that, somehow, refusing yourself something that you want makes you a better person, and that somehow makes these N/A people better than me for doing so. When I think about life, I consider the age of the Universe; life has continued for millions of years, but not one single life: we've such a fleeting and meaningless existence that won't be recalled by anyone, for most of us, once a decade has passed since our deaths. All we can do is aim to continue the great human experiment: have kids, and then once they're raised, we owe it to ourselves to do whatever the fuck we want with our lives...

I'm not sure whether your abstinence a good thing, but it's certainly something to accomplish, so I suppose it's worth doing, like those people who enter world records to juggle for several days non-stop, or people who pray. I wish you all of the best, 'cause clearly it means something to you, and it's obviously eating you up inside, making you think that you're a lesser being for wanting to consume drugs. Well, you're not a lesser being; don't let anyone tell you so. We assign so much meaning to the ridiculous nonsense and minutiae of our lives that sometimes we just really forget who it is we're living for, here: I'm not advocating that you take all of the drugs or go on some crusade trying to stay permanently high, just I think it's POSSIBLE to find a comfortable middle-ground, where you're occasionally using drugs and occasionally not.

Hobbies are a great way to focus upon something else, I agree, and I think if you took your passionate lust for drugs and channeled that energy into something else, like writing, painting, sculpting, or something similarly creative, you'd become nigh unstoppable. Just do it for yourself. We are all confused, shitty idiots stumbling about on a speck of dust within an infinite cosmos of uncertainty, and even though we're nothing important, at least we know that, and are therefore all equal. It simply doesn't matter!

Ultimately the human condition has shown that man and woman will do whatever makes them happy. I've often wondered why those who abstain from certain typical areas of life as a person have been revered, but it's likely because keeping such natural desires in check is hard as fuck and everyone messes up once in a while—this does not make you in anyway bad, because as long as you're in control of your life, doing what you want, noone has the right to say anything to you. Good luck, keep it up (if you wish) and if you end up failing to keep an impeccable record of sobriety, don't beat yourself up with regret, 'cause you're alive: you can do anything that takes your fancy!
 
Have you ever considered trying ibogaine at a special ibogaine clinic?

What I would say is that eventually your body will balance itself out through homeostasis. It just sounds as if it's going to take longer for you than for other people. It could be worse though - it is much better to be on buprenorphine than a hardcore opiate like heroin. For the time being perhaps you should get a bupe script if it allows you to function like a normal person without getting high?
 
Kerrigan said:
There's no high in sobriety; there's nothing good other than the sense that, somehow, refusing yourself something that you want makes you a better person, and that somehow makes these N/A people better than me for doing so. When I think about life, I consider the age of the Universe; life has continued for millions of years, but not one single life: we've such a fleeting and meaningless existence that won't be recalled by anyone, for most of us, once a decade has passed since our deaths. All we can do is aim to continue the great human experiment: have kids, and then once they're raised, we owe it to ourselves to do whatever the fuck we want with our lives...

I'm not sure whether your abstinence a good thing, but it's certainly something to accomplish, so I suppose it's worth doing, like those people who enter world records to juggle for several days non-stop, or people who pray. I wish you all of the best, 'cause clearly it means something to you, and it's obviously eating you up inside, making you think that you're a lesser being for wanting to consume drugs. Well, you're not a lesser being; don't let anyone tell you so. We assign so much meaning to the ridiculous nonsense and minutiae of our lives that sometimes we just really forget who it is we're living for, here: I'm not advocating that you take all of the drugs or go on some crusade trying to stay permanently high, just I think it's POSSIBLE to find a comfortable middle-ground, where you're occasionally using drugs and occasionally not.

Hobbies are a great way to focus upon something else, I agree, and I think if you took your passionate lust for drugs and channeled that energy into something else, like writing, painting, sculpting, or something similarly creative, you'd become nigh unstoppable. Just do it for yourself. We are all confused, shitty idiots stumbling about on a speck of dust within an infinite cosmos of uncertainty, and even though we're nothing important, at least we know that, and are therefore all equal. It simply doesn't matter!

Ultimately the human condition has shown that man and woman will do whatever makes them happy. I've often wondered why those who abstain from certain typical areas of life as a person have been revered, but it's likely because keeping such natural desires in check is hard as fuck and everyone messes up once in a while—this does not make you in anyway bad, because as long as you're in control of your life, doing what you want, noone has the right to say anything to you. Good luck, keep it up (if you wish) and if you end up failing to keep an impeccable record of sobriety, don't beat yourself up with regret, 'cause you're alive: you can do anything that takes your fancy!
Click to expand...

I like the way you think! for me personally i have to quit because i abuse drugs and they take over my life but i agree with everything you said. Intresting read
 
Have you tried Gabapentim and Clondine ?
I understand that it helps for the cravings.
Best of luck, hang in there.
 
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