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Fucked Up Situation

Jabberwocky

Jabberwocky

Frumious Bandersnatch
Joined
Nov 3, 1999
Messages
1,256
Location
Looking-Glass Land
Impending Death of a Loved One

So it just so happens that my detoxing from methadone seems to have to coincide with the death of my grandmother. Any advice or support would be invaluable.

Thank you everyone in advance, I sure could use the support right now. My mom is freaking the fuck out.

God damn single divorced polish Jewish mothers can be a handfull sometimes, but I love her to death and want to be there for her in her time of need.
 
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Losing family sucks, you have my full sympathy! But think of it this way: How dehumanizing would it be to be shut away from life by those damn opiods, unable to feel a thing?? There's a saying that you 'need shadows to see the light'. Oftentimes sad events / feelings will put the positives into sharper relief. I'm not saying go out and be happy with everything (you'd only do so drugged, and it's fake), just make an effort to maybe help your mom to find something positive, maybe a memory of all of you together, or a crazy story of when 'grandma' was young herself.
 
Much love to you toothpaste!
Sending you good and positive vibes.
You WILL get thru this, You're very strong!
 
Hey, tpd, I'm so sorry. It is uncanny how many threads there are right now about grandmothers (check out TDS). Here is my advice: let your mom fall to pieces in grief and just let her know that you are there and that it is understandable that she will grieve. You have no doubt your own grief surrounding the situation which is different from hers. Don't let yourself get lost in care-taking your mom. Don't hide your own grief from her in an effort to protect her--it may actually help her to know the extent of your feelings for your grandmother as well.

Death hurts. Loss hurts. When my son died one of my friends would just come sit with me. She let me wail, she sat through the crying hiccoughs and the long silences. She handed me tissues. She let me loop around for hours of guilt and shame without trying to talk me out of it but without reinforcing it either. She said very little if anything at all. She just let me know that she was there and she let me have the freedom to go through the process of grief organically as it tossed me around and I began to start to understand the force of it. I think that took great courage on her part but also wisdom. Draw on your mindfulness training right now--it will help.

I'm really sorry. Did your grandmother emigrate from Poland or was she born here?
 
She was born in Maine I believe, first generation. Thank you for your kind words, I pretty much arrived at that same conclusion last night in terms of how I shouldn't try and fix my mom. It just doesn't work like that, and it will only make the situation that much worse for each of us. The most compassionate thing I can do for my mom right now is to take care of myself and keep me healthy and safe so she only has to worry about herself (and her nutty brother and sister in law, and of course her own mother).

I will be very interested to see how the loss of my grandmother affects me. I was much closer to her than my paternal grandmother before she died, as I was only a little lamb back then anyways, but even in this case we are so geographically seperated and my mom has had such a hard time dealing with my grandmother's neurotic tendencies that I never was able to get as close as I would have liked with her. Still, I love her. We shall see. Thanks again herby, I am definitely coming up sometimr in June :) <3
 
Sorry for your loss! These situations can be so tricky. Dealing with family the funeral trying to maintain sobriety. Its not easy that's for sure.
 
Yet life goes on! I think all in all everything will be just fine in the end. I have a lot if great, strong supportive people in my life IRL and on BL, this much I am really beginning to understand as of today :)
 
I am so sorry for your loss toothpastedog! I think you're right - taking care of yourselfnisnthebbest thing you can do for your mother right now.
 
you have given me and others a lot of advice. this situation hits home for me because the day of my Grandmas funeral was my 30th day off opiates. here is how it went for me. the day before the funeral at the viewing there WAS an angel and devil on both sides of me. that demon gave me every single reason to use. "no one would blame you if you grabbed a few vikes" or "once you get home you know where they keep the pain meds just eat a few you deserve it". well i decided no because i dont care if anyone would blame me if i used because I WOULD BLAME MYSELF IF I USED and i know for me opiates=death, the fact my addiction was telling me a deserved to use which also means i deserve to die is scary. the angel didnt say much

the next day at the funeral i just thought to myself would Grandma want me nodding out looking like a fucking idiot then the next few days youll be in WD no she would not. stay strong and im very sorry for your loss. also this situation which at the beginning i thought was unfair (which it is but that is life) made me stronger because i know that if i cannot find a reason to use or relapse on a day such as my only Grandmother left funeral then i could get through any day without using. please update when ya can toothpastedog.
 
Will do, she is waiting to have surgery so I shall let you all know. Thank you again everyone for your ongoing suppoer and love. It means more than you know :) <3
 
Hey TPD -- just wanted to share our condolences (the JAG tribe). When it rains it pours, that's for sure. God bless you and your grandmother. Interestingly, and I don't believe I mentioned it on BL, my last grandparent passed away around Thanksgiving -- coincided with me starting IV drug use habitually... Then, in early February, my uncle passed away to a heart attack, survived by his wife and two younger kids. I've since made it a point to remember that these folks, these wonderful people, are (please indulge my faith in God and heaven) interceding on my behalf, cheering me on to a successful recovery. And I feel that.

I hope you might be able to feel that, too, with your grandmother.

Good luck!
 
Hope you're doing well toothpaste!
Just giving you some more love and some e-hugs!
XOXOXOXOXOOXOXXOOXXOoxoxoxOXXOxooxoxOXOXoxox
 
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