DeathDomokun
Ex-Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 22, 2011
- Messages
- 1,556
I just don’t know. Everything is so confusing.
Almost every time I start writing, I always make a comment on how futile it is. I note that I’m aware it’s not going to solve anything before I delve into it.
Actually, I never delve into it. I just sit here and hit buttons, and hope the arrangement expresses the vapid shit seeping out of my mind through pixels and buttons and screens and shit.
Life. That’s the thing. I’ve never had a plan, or a goal, a direction to head towards. As I haven’t gone to school in the last 2 and a half weeks, and I’m leaving to live with my uncle for a month when my mum goes to Russia, I’m just really not sure what’s going to happen.
To be frank, I don’t want to live with my uncle. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to leave the comfort of my home irrespective of whether or not I’m going to school.
It’s not that I don’t like my uncle, in fact he’s good fun at family gatherings, I just don’t want to live with him given the situation at hand.
So where does that leave me?
Bigger than that though, further than the next few months, what am I going to do with myself?
The more I think about things, the more apparent it comes that I really can’t conform to the societal norm here.
The more I think about things? I don’t think about things. I try to focus my attention on the subject of life and I just end up being assailed by a plethora of broken ideas and unfinished thoughts.
When I get to the basics, I don’t know what I want from life.
You know, I think about what would make me happy, and then I think about what is needed to survive, and then I think about situations I don’t want to be in.
If I’m going to live in Western society money is essential. The ways of getting money that I can think of are: Unskilled labour, more school and an office/skilled job, illegal activity, the dole.
As far as unskilled labour goes, I really wouldn’t mind working for my money, but I don’t want to participate in some menial drudgery in an attempt to have a bank account and a wallet.
I’m in no state of mind to continue ‘learning’ so skilled jobs are off the table.
In fact, I’m in no state of mind to keep some 9-5 job period.
I don’t know what I want.
I know nothing is just handed to you, and you’ve got to make your own in this society. I also know that all the hard work in the world means fuck all without the inherent randomness of life putting certain things into motion.
I really just don’t know. I know that sitting here isn’t going to get me anywhere, and if I want to get somewhere I’m going to have to get off my ass and work for it… I just don’t know if I want to go anywhere.
In fact, I do know. I want to go away. I want to stop existing.
Then I see something and I want to be in that situation. I actually want to do this, I think ‘Hey I might actually enjoy being in that situation’
And then the dissonance and conflicting chaotic confusion hammer any sense of cognition to the ground.
What the fuck am I doing with my life?
What the fuck am I going to do with my life?
Change is inevitable, am I going to form it or will it form me?
It's just so fucking hard. I wish I was in one extreme, but no, I'm not and it's so much worse. I can't attain complete apathy, yet I can't attain passion or genuine care.
It's like, there's so much out there, and I don't know whether I want it or not, and the only way for me to determine whether I do or I don't is to actively seek it out. It would be foolish of me to end it before trying this, yet I sit here wallowing in my emotions.
I don't usually have any conscious desires, and when I sporadically do get them it just creates more dissonance and just fuck.
I'm just really fucking sick of my emotions.
It's a strange feeling knowing everyone you interact with hasn't experienced a state of mind tantamount to your own, yet you're able to do the same actions as them. On the surface, we're all the same, but you dig the tiniest bit deeper and you see how different we really are. Now you could focus on the differences, or you could focus on the similarities.... what are the similarities?
How can I focus on something I'm unaware of?
I don't know myself, I don't even know let alone understand a lot of my emotions, yet I've got all these constants, all these things that seem so solid.
It's like my range of emotions is a circle, it's so perpetual and incessant. Empty inside the circle, oh how I'd love that. No, the circle is not empty, not any emotion can grow, it's like there's a poison limiting the range of what I can experience. But the inside isn't important, it's the circle itself, this crusty outlining defining all the suffering I endlessly endure to no end. With no purpose other than the idea of hope, the theory that things can be better, the knowledge there are situations other than the one I occupy that I could possibly occupy in the future, coupled with the unknowing of the effect that situation might have on me, my outlook, my demeanour, my philosophies, my thoughts, but most importantly, how I feel.
I'm just really confused, and I know a bunch of strangers can't help me. I can't even help myself.
Almost every time I start writing, I always make a comment on how futile it is. I note that I’m aware it’s not going to solve anything before I delve into it.
Actually, I never delve into it. I just sit here and hit buttons, and hope the arrangement expresses the vapid shit seeping out of my mind through pixels and buttons and screens and shit.
Life. That’s the thing. I’ve never had a plan, or a goal, a direction to head towards. As I haven’t gone to school in the last 2 and a half weeks, and I’m leaving to live with my uncle for a month when my mum goes to Russia, I’m just really not sure what’s going to happen.
To be frank, I don’t want to live with my uncle. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to leave the comfort of my home irrespective of whether or not I’m going to school.
It’s not that I don’t like my uncle, in fact he’s good fun at family gatherings, I just don’t want to live with him given the situation at hand.
So where does that leave me?
Bigger than that though, further than the next few months, what am I going to do with myself?
The more I think about things, the more apparent it comes that I really can’t conform to the societal norm here.
The more I think about things? I don’t think about things. I try to focus my attention on the subject of life and I just end up being assailed by a plethora of broken ideas and unfinished thoughts.
When I get to the basics, I don’t know what I want from life.
You know, I think about what would make me happy, and then I think about what is needed to survive, and then I think about situations I don’t want to be in.
If I’m going to live in Western society money is essential. The ways of getting money that I can think of are: Unskilled labour, more school and an office/skilled job, illegal activity, the dole.
As far as unskilled labour goes, I really wouldn’t mind working for my money, but I don’t want to participate in some menial drudgery in an attempt to have a bank account and a wallet.
I’m in no state of mind to continue ‘learning’ so skilled jobs are off the table.
In fact, I’m in no state of mind to keep some 9-5 job period.
I don’t know what I want.
I know nothing is just handed to you, and you’ve got to make your own in this society. I also know that all the hard work in the world means fuck all without the inherent randomness of life putting certain things into motion.
I really just don’t know. I know that sitting here isn’t going to get me anywhere, and if I want to get somewhere I’m going to have to get off my ass and work for it… I just don’t know if I want to go anywhere.
In fact, I do know. I want to go away. I want to stop existing.
Then I see something and I want to be in that situation. I actually want to do this, I think ‘Hey I might actually enjoy being in that situation’
And then the dissonance and conflicting chaotic confusion hammer any sense of cognition to the ground.
What the fuck am I doing with my life?
What the fuck am I going to do with my life?
Change is inevitable, am I going to form it or will it form me?
It's just so fucking hard. I wish I was in one extreme, but no, I'm not and it's so much worse. I can't attain complete apathy, yet I can't attain passion or genuine care.
It's like, there's so much out there, and I don't know whether I want it or not, and the only way for me to determine whether I do or I don't is to actively seek it out. It would be foolish of me to end it before trying this, yet I sit here wallowing in my emotions.
I don't usually have any conscious desires, and when I sporadically do get them it just creates more dissonance and just fuck.
I'm just really fucking sick of my emotions.
It's a strange feeling knowing everyone you interact with hasn't experienced a state of mind tantamount to your own, yet you're able to do the same actions as them. On the surface, we're all the same, but you dig the tiniest bit deeper and you see how different we really are. Now you could focus on the differences, or you could focus on the similarities.... what are the similarities?
How can I focus on something I'm unaware of?
I don't know myself, I don't even know let alone understand a lot of my emotions, yet I've got all these constants, all these things that seem so solid.
It's like my range of emotions is a circle, it's so perpetual and incessant. Empty inside the circle, oh how I'd love that. No, the circle is not empty, not any emotion can grow, it's like there's a poison limiting the range of what I can experience. But the inside isn't important, it's the circle itself, this crusty outlining defining all the suffering I endlessly endure to no end. With no purpose other than the idea of hope, the theory that things can be better, the knowledge there are situations other than the one I occupy that I could possibly occupy in the future, coupled with the unknowing of the effect that situation might have on me, my outlook, my demeanour, my philosophies, my thoughts, but most importantly, how I feel.
I'm just really confused, and I know a bunch of strangers can't help me. I can't even help myself.
