Fuck, what is wrong with me?

[xhead406]

Damn, one day Im in the happiest mood I can possibly be in but then the next day Im thinking about killing myself, like today. DONT WORRY, Im not going to. I have thought about it oh like maybe a thousand times and only maybe a handful of times I've attempted suicide. But I know Im not gonna do that today. Anyways, today I feel so shitty. I feel like I have no real friends and the ones I do have I dont want (sounds selfish and shitty, I know). Like today, I found out alot of people talk so much shit behind my back about doing drugs but then they act like they are cool with me. Great friends. Because of drugs, nobody fucking likes me too much and thinks im "skecthy". I've decided I want to quit drugs, except for special occasions. But its still to late, everyone thinks Im weird and a druggie. I mean yeah, I got friends, and Im really good at faking and pretending Im just fine when really Im dead inside. This sounds weird but sometimes I just want to go and get addicted to meth and be a gay crackwhore or something. Sounds fucked up but I think about just letting my life go to shit and sinking down to that. Well hey, atleast I wont need any expectations for myself like college or a long-term relationship. And another thing that might fuck up my life is the fact I possibly have HIV. I recently screwed around with a guy with AIDS and now i may be infected. Yeah, I wore protection but I fucked him for like 2 days straight on and off and you never know. So I am NEVER IN HELL gonna be in a relationship with anybody if I have it. For many reasons, such as infecting them, me dying early, such and such. Fuck, sometimes I wanna kill myself and the past 3 years, my life has gone to hell. THANK YOU DRUGS. Never should of touched them. What in the fuck do I do to get back to a normal life? I just want to be clean and happy, and HIV-free (possibly too late).Sorry for the long thread, needed to vent. Dont get a chance to do that too often as I like to hold things in and seem normal. I dont know, so many things in my life are fucked up now,mostly thanks to me (some things I couldnt help). Things like im a closet gay, brainfried, cant stand myself, drug addicted, possibly have HIV now, I just want to die,and im only 15. Please PM if you want or just post your opinion here.Thanks

 

[edgewise1]

Xhead, is the fact you have been exposed to HIV messing with your head? Also, and do not take this the wrong way, do you catch flack for being gay? Both of these items, provided they are a problem like I outlined above, could creating enough stress.to keep you bouncing from happy to sad really easy. How long has it been since you were exposed to HIV? I would think that getting tested would be the first thing to do, so you can find out one way or another. As far as friends go, there are the "friends" you have that are.there in fair weather, then there is the friend you have that is a true friend and there for you thick and thin. One true friend is worth much more than any number of the fair weather friends.


I'm sure you will get more responses to your thread, and just hang tough, and try not to worry as it is already done and you can't undo.

You have my thoughts and prayers.

 

[xhead406]

Unfourtantly, the exposure is messing with my head. All I can think about is how I have fucked up my life and at such an early age. Yes, I have got tested once already but it was like a week after and HIV takes like 6 months to show up they said. I want to go get tested again but I hate asking my mom to take me to go get tested because well uhh long story.She always just ends up changing the subject.Oh and btw I got exposed in Januarary so it may possibly show up now.Oh and I dont understand what you mean by catching flack for being gay. Shit sorry for bitchin bout my life and all this shit, I dont usually do this but its just built up so much, you know what I mean. And you are VERY true, Id rather have way less TRUE friends than millions of just friends. Those just come and go, I know firsthand, but true friends will actually stay by you.So yeah, im thankful I do have true friends.

 

[Divine Moments]

I dont understand what you mean by catching flack for being gay.

I think he just means do you get paid out about it or given a hard time, but you said you're not openly gay so I guess it's probably not really relevant.

Because of drugs, nobody fucking likes me too much and thinks im "skecthy".

I, and a some people I know, have had the same issue. It's really hard to deal with because usually these people not only don't understand drugs, but also don't understand why a lot of us use them. It's really hard to understand most psychological issues without experiencing them..

I'm sure others will be able to give some good advice. Best of luck

 

[edgewise1]

Yep, what Divine Moments said. I didn't know if other people were using it to put you down. Every small problem can build up and end up causing you all the anxiety you are having. If you can go ahead and get tested it would be good, but you are right about the 6 month time period. If a test now shows negative you would still need to be tested in July/August to be on the safe side. Even if it showed positive now, I would still have another after the 6 months. I don't know if the test can show a false positive, but I would not want to base a positive on one test alone

Hang in there, people are thinking/praying for you!

 

[jsnake]

Dude, your attitude sounds exactly like mine. Little things eat you up, sometimes you have a good day but on the bad days something will happen to piss you off and that starts a downhill spiral till you feel like killing yourself or some shit. I'm 19 nearly 20, got a million ugly fucking pimples on my face, back, some on my chest, getting fungal or some shit on my feet, got a massive one on my ass as well and it hurts like hell, and got this fucking horrible looking shit on my dick, these ugly little lumps going up the sides and on the bottom. God, I hate my fucking skin. I'm still a virgin and never had a bitch, not in school anymore and was always kind of anti-social so all I got left for friends is a self centred chubby cunt who only wants to smoke bongs with me and never calls me back when we were meant to chill and he finds something else to do, a slightly skitz paranoid benzo addict who uses everyone who loves him and treats his family like shit, his twin brother who's my best friend and the only friend I trust anymore, some ranga cunt who never ever calls me and who obviously perceives me as some social outcast cos he's one of those sweet talker cunts, and some sneaky thief who denies ever stealing a thing from his mates. I'm in a job I hate but was lucky to get so I'm keeping, and no-one speaks to me on Facebook.
See how bad that sounds, or moreso how bad I make it sound? Dude, you sound like you have no self-confidence like me. I know I'm smart but I've spent the vast majority of my teens playing some fucking shithouse game and smoking bongs. I know how bad depression can be, how sometimes you wanna fall flat on your face or start smacking up or some shit, like 'that'll show em all'. I can't imagine how bad having a life-threatening disease is, because due to my lack of social interaction I've never stuck my dick in anything. If it happens, it happens. You can't prevent it, you just gotta accept it sometimes. Life can be a cunt, and you gotta learn to not let it fuck with you too much, or you won't lead a very fulfilling life. The friends you got but don't want, even if they're social outcasts like me, you never know when they might turn around and save your life or get you out of a jam, so appreciate them as well.
Fuck what people think about you being a drug fiend, show them otherwise. It doesn't affect them. Teens at that ages always bitch about that kind of shit. Once you turn your life around, and get off drugs, they'll just find something else to bitch about. All the popular kids are like that, because they'll do anything to undermine people and boost their egos. It's hard, but try not to let it get to you. Once people realise you're not a fucked up druggo, they'll start hanging out with you again, even if you are homosexual. Don't hate yourself because you're what you are. Do a martial art or something, learn an instrument, get positive attention instead of negative attention. That shit builds confidence as well. Once you start sounding more like them, like a positive happy person even when you're not, you'll fit in a lot better. Trust me, there's no point throwing your life away at your age. Non-drug users assume drug users have problems and are downers or shady cunts, like you said. Prove them wrong.
Try keep a good attitude. Again it's hard sometimes, but life isn't always gonna be a bag of laughs. Don't get hooked on substances dude, they'll just make life shitter and harder to cope with in the long run. Doesn't hurt to experiment or just fuck around with the odd chemical, but you're 15 dude, you don't need that shit. You're still growing, psychologically and physically.
I hope this helps, and good luck dealing with your HIV problem bro. Don't think of yourself like that man, it's not helping you in the slightest. Find out your strengths and work on them, and try cut your weaknesses out. God I sound like a fucking high-school counseller, but fuck man, don't be so hard on yourself. It's bad for you.

 

[Uhh]

Oh god guys be strong

 

[jsnake]

Edit: Probably unnecessary what I wrote here, but if you're gonna post, at least post something relevant or in some way beneficial...^^^

 

[I NUK3D U]

Don't want to make assumptions without knowing you, but I have had friends in similar positions and the mistake they made was blaming the drugs.

More often than not, my friends have had constitutional mental health problems (albeit minor and very treatable) which were never diagnosed, and in fact, the drug taking was an attempt to subconciously self-medicate.

Just a thought...

 

[mukaki]

I second that. I had wild moodswings and my psychiatrist blamed the drugs. I then quit the daily gbl, and after suffering for another 18 months I finally found that an anti-depressant combined with an anti-psychotic could tame the moodswings. I can still get them if I'm too stressed out, but they are almost gone.

And btw. I do not have bipolar disorder, so don't worry too much, it isn't necesarily one of the most severe mental disorders, your problems could be very treatable.

My advice would be to see a psychiatrist.

Good luck!

 

[megawoof]

i think you have hadsum excellent responses esp from jsnake couldnt have put it better i know the though or chance of been exposed to hiv is scarey but at the very worst iif you were positive its not the end of the world i know was diagnosed in 2001 and was very ill like millions of it replicating in me and my cd4 count was below 100 and had a rare pnumonia but responded amazingly well to combination thearpy and havent looked back my cd4 averages 400 plushiv is undectable below50 nowhad no major illness since im sure its alot to be on your plate at 15 but you express yourself well more than me at 15 sounds daft but seriously at 15 you got your whole life to lead plus peers and teenages can be vile at times esp around issues they dont understand wish you loads of best wishes

 

[paranoid android]

Once you start sounding more like them, like a positive happy person even when you're not, you'll fit in a lot better.

I think this is rather poor advice. Why would you try and fit in with people by being something that your not? This will only lead to alot more unhappiness due to feeling like a fake. Fitting in in high school often means being something your not and it's only when you get older and get out of high school that you realize what a load of bullshit it all was. I have basically 0 friends left from high school and i don't miss them at all. Also reffering to women as bitches is not going to endear them to you so maybe be abit nicer to them and that way you might actually get somewhere. With a attitude like that towards women it's no wonder they arent flocking to you. So maybe be nicer? Just a thought

To the OP: Get tested again for HIV ASAP. Knowing for sure will put your mind at ease atleast when it comes to that issue. If your mom does not want to bring you then go yourself if you can or if getting a run is a problem can anyone else bring you?

As for the whole fitting in thing who gives a shit what so called friends think of you. I had alot of so called friends when i was your age too but i have nothing to do with the twats nowadays. Granted im almost twice your age so besides what the people who i know are my friends and actually care about me (you know who you are ) think of me then i don't care. The so called friends i used to have never really knew me to begin with and certainly don't know me now so their opinion of me means fuck all to me.

I know fitting in is a big thing in high school (i can actually remember high school im not that old) but really is it worth having friends who only like you if your like them and act like them? Those people arent your friends at all friends stick with you through thick and thin. You often find out who your real friends are when things get rough and sadly enough if your anything like me you find out that you only have a few. But it's much better to have 1 or 2 real friends then to have 100 fake friends.

As for your mood swings drugs could be playing a part in that so yeah it wouldnt be a bad idea to quit thats for sure. Keeping up drug habits does not get any easier as you get older either trust me. Also seing a psychiatrist about it may not be a bad idea especially since you admit feeling suicidal and depressed alot. I didnt find out until i was 24 that i had a mental illness but it was pretty obvious way before that that there was something wrong. Life would have been alot easier for me had i gotten a proper diagnoses when i was much younger. So yeah id recomend getting around to that too ASAP.

 

[jsnake]

It's not like I call women bitches to their face and go around patronizing them, it's just I listen to rap a lot and it just kinda came out in that blatant way. I've been told that by a chick before when I said that word, and I'll tell you the same thing I told her, the main reason I don't have chicks surrounding me 24/7 is because I don't make my intentions clear enough, I end up in the friend zone too quickly. I was always good to girls that I liked, and because I was lacking in confidence I kind of ending up becoming too friendly with them and giving them the complete wrong impression. Thanks for the input though, you're about as much help as a case of alcohol poisoning. I can't help being a bitter 20 year virgin.
In regards to that quote, I'm telling him how to fit in with 80% of kids from school. They're still gonna talk shit about people, that's how kids are around that age. I hung out with kids that were perceived as losers at that age by all the popular kids. Once you leave school you gradually stop seeing them apart from on Facebook and shit, and you lose all the people you thought were good mates of yours back then. I still speak to a few of them, but for getting through high school it's better to fit in with them rather than be considered an outcast by them, because trust me, it's not fun to be considered socially unaccepted. I mean, at my first high school I was mates with the majority of people, but at my second school I had no-one because I didn't have the balls to walk up to people and start a conversation, until people started speaking to me and realized I smoked, then they had some common ground with me. Best advice I can give is, pay attention to people's actions rather than their words if you're looking for real friends, because a lot of people in all honesty are just about that, words.