Fuck my life!!!!!!!!!

[painenduser]

You know, I do not ask for much out of life. I ask for my health (which under the circumstances I guess could be asking alot). I ask for fun. I ask for good friends good times, and I ask that I find love again to be happy and feel useful again. Feel like I have a purpose in this life. T feel needed by someone who loves me for me.

Well a number of months ago, an ex-girl friend came back into my life. We didn't break up under bad pretences. We were young at the time, we lived far from each other and we just drifted apart. She was my first true teen age love. We were perfect together. She always matched wits with me, she completed me and I loved her.

Well after something like 17 years I found her on Facebook, and we started talking again, and one of the first things she said to me after all this time was, "OMG, we are never going to lose each other again". I being the sensitive person I am took that as an invitation to think wow, maybe after all these years, she may actually still have feelings for me. So I played it cool and took my time to learn all about her since the last time abut those 17 years ago. The more we talked the stronger the feelings got.

Now I knew she was currently in a VERY bad relationship of which I knew she wanted out as he treated her horribly. Well they did finally end it, and she was single again. I very slowly and gently tried to give her the hints that I still had feelings for her, and that I would have done anything to be with her again. We talked like we were going to get back together however, she would never answer certain questions, like I would joke if we hadn't talked in a few days and I would say "aww hun you miss me didn't ya" just kidding abut it, but at the same time trying to feel out her feelings and intentions. I mean she knew that I had feelings for her and that I was hoping to rekindle the old teenage fire we had.

Well this had been going on for months, and I finally thought things may work out, then poof she kind disappeared for a while, barely returned my txts, if she did they were short blah blah blah, you all know where this is going as nothing exciting or good usually happens in my life, and it's reasons like this I just wish my liver would just fail already and get me out of this misery people lke me, people from blue all seem to think that in the end life is a wonderful thing...So anyway I was talking with her tonight and the conversation started out wirh joking and fun and I felt it was time to ask her out. I am very shy when it comes to women, but I got the courage and asked her out, that's when the damn bombshell fell. She explains that she is seeing someone...What?!?!?!?! Last time we talked we joked and toyed around with the idea that she would go out with me, telling me how all other guys a creeps ect. But what? Really?? She has a bf now and it's not me?

I mean I was really feeling the connection with her because the whole time we were talking and things were looking good, I was excited because she knew all about my liver disease, my complications, the fact that I may need a transplant ect and she was very sympathetic, understanding, caring and loving in the way she would talk to me about it.

Now the dream once again is demolished. I am not getting any younger and the older I get the less I will be able to enjoy life due to the progression of the live disease. I finally thought after all these years and all the tribulations that my dream had somehow, by some miracle found its way back to me. I finally thought maybe I wouldn't die alone and sad, and I would have someone that I have had a love for what seems like for ever. And now she is txting me saying well we can still go out sometime. I wrote her back that she knew my feelings for her, and that it would be to uncomfortable for me to go out with her knowing she has a new bf after I had tried so hard to have her back in my life.

This is the shit about life I just don't understand. Life get's so fucking intolerable. It's like someone is playing me in a roll playing game and the object is to see how many time they can hurt me, upset me, take moves from me, cause me to become an alcoholic (Don't worry I would meet my maker before relapsing again). I mean what the fuck more does life need to throw at me?? I already have lost everything... I have lost my health, my material possessions (house, boat, money), now I am starting to lose my sanity, my sense of rationality, my sense of caring of ones self ....

It just fucking sucks. The longer I live the shorter time I have left, however during that short time it's being filled with heartbreak, loneliness, sadness, you name a negative feeling and I am feeling it. I'll be blatantly honest, while I am too chickenshit to actually commit suicide I have thought more and more about it and ways to do it constantly over the last year. I know I am always the one giving out my advise around here, but tonight my gas tanks are on E and I almost have no interest in refilling them.

I don't know guys, but before I do something really stupid I could realy use some words of advise, encouragement, something, anything. I honestly don't know what I need, but a new life, one where the maker actually gives a shit about me. I don't like being on this side of the advise wheel so please be helpful and meaningful, and not a flametard. Thanks Blue!

 

[badfish45]

Man, that's such a tough situation. It always is. My friend Sarah is like the number one person I care about in my life, and unfortunately I had feelings for her a long time ago (and I still do, but they've diminished). I honestly read through this and remembered how it's Sarah who's the only person who truly understands me in life. She listens to my bitching and I can tell her about all my emotional problems, and she doesn't think of me any different, we love each other, but she doesn't love me the way I did. And then she promised she'll always be in my life. And I promised the same, because I will make sure she is in my life forever, no matter who she is to me. Do not take friend love for granted, it is just as strong and if not more worth it in many cases than a relationship which has no guarantee of lasting. Of course the relationship between Sarah and I isn't either, but a true friendship lasts a lifetime and I'm confident.

You will find somebody else. It's a long road in life, but people are everywhere, and it's so hard to remember that anyone else is out there. But they are Part of what makes life so wonderful is remembering all the misery that life holds and still being able to experience happiness. Just give tonight to yourself, grab some sleep, make tonight for your own greedy self, because the way you're feeling empty will pass very soon. All feelings do

 

[painenduser]

Did I post this in TDS? I would have thought I would have had more people helping to support me, not taking anything away from you post badfish as I really thank you for reminding me that we live in a big sea with plenty of fish and that the love of a friend like the that can be more powerful then the romantic love.

The problem is, at least this is how I feel, is that my time is shorter then most due to my liver disease, not to mention that there are limited women who would want to be with a person in my situation of having the terminal liver disease. Most women are looking for a strong supportive male, the type of man that has great health and had a great job to take care of a family. There are very few women, at least none that I know or that I have met that would be as accepting of having a relationship with me, meaning soneone in my condition. It is very rare to find someone who will over look that in terms of a relationship, but would be right there and by my side if things got bad due to my illness. That is why this hurts so bad, because once you overcome the odds of finding someone like that, to lose her makes me feel like I have lost a part of my self. That in an of it self is one of the most disappointing and heartbreaking parts of this whole problem.

I dunnol I just don't know what to do about it accept wish the clock would move quicker and the time of life would run out...

Thanks

 

[Sheffsam]

I feel for you, I've been in a similar scenario with a girl who was pretty much my 1st love, and who I clicked with on so many levels, since 2004. I'm struggling for the right words right now, and I know for sure there are none that remove that kind of pain. Don't give up though, for every roll of the dice that kicks you in the nuts, there will be a roll that delivers the things you want and need imo, and I truly hope yours comes soon. It's hard to envision that when you're down in the hole, but who knows what tomorrow delivers.

 

[badfish45]

You're right pain, it is very hard to find those people. Thankfully it easily separates those who aren't worth it and makes that special person that much more special

 

[Miss Kirsty]

Hi pain...I jus want to say that i think you are wrong about "women not wanting a man with a terminal disease"....Most women i know are nurturing, compassionate and mothering people...Granted of course some arnt, but we dont take that sort of thing into consideration...I have loved and lost, i was widowed at 29 yrs old...I would do it again even though it was soo hard watching a strong vibrant man turn into a weak, prisoner of war type physically.....He was soo strong....The very last time i visited him in hospital( the day he died), he went to hug me and his wedding ring just flew across the room, he was that thin and frail....My heart remains broken to this day...but it gets easier to live with...The pain never lessons but you do get used to living with it...

Im sorry for your loss of sorts pain...She must have realised how you felt about her...But just as you cant help who you fall in love with, you also cant help who you dont love either...You will get over this hurdle pain..In time..You are an extremely nice person and i have always enjoyed your posts...As do many others...You are wise and compassionate...A lady will see that, just have some faith in yourself...All the best, M.K

 

[footscrazy]

That does such like such a disappointing situation painenduser, I've experienced the sadness of love lost before and know how that crushing sense can colour your whole perception of life for awhile, so I can only imagine that it must be compounded for you, considering your illness.

I think though, that you can take something really important out of this. This woman, in your description, was sympathetic, understanding, caring and loving towards you. This shows that you are a lovable person - there are people out there who care about you, and want to be your friend. I don't think that's any small thing. I think that's a huge basis of a relationship - having a succesful relationship includes being a great friend, and being someone someone wants to be around - and it sounds like you have that down. Attraction often seems more down to luck, sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn't, for no good reason, as Miss Kirsty also said.

I think, like Badfish mentioned, that this friendship could be something valuable and it would be good not to throw it away. If you've felt angry at her I think that's understandable but I don't think you should hold on to any resentment against her - she likely didn't want to hurt you, or choose to be more attracted to this other guy over you. She could have handled it with more sympathy to your feelings, but she likely didn't know how best to handle the situation.

You never know what the future brings. You've obviously made a good impression on her, try not to throw it away over your anger and disappointment in this situation. Often the best way to meet new people is through friends of friends - especially when that friend thinks you're tops

 

[painenduser]

Ok wow, thanks guys, you all have really made me rethink a few things and reevaluate the things I have overlooked. You guys have also said some of the nicest things about me and I had no clue until tonight how much I have made a difference here and how much my post have helped and been enjoyed to read. That really made me feel special since I had always thought I was just another guy posting here not realizing that my posts were making a difference. I would like to share something someone PM'ed me that was along the same line, I will leave it anonymous as it was a PM however should the writer choose to be identified, I will allow them to do it, but it to reminded me why I am here and that I am very much appreciated here for what I say and do. This fact in and of itself helps ease the pain of my lack in love. Just knowing that my life actually has a meaning even though finding romantic love may not be my strong point right now, you have all reminded me and let me know that my friendship love is alive and well and that alone make a huge difference in how I feel. I guess I just needed to hear that as I didn't think it was there.

Bluelighter: "You always do give very thoughtful, and pleasantly lengthy posts. You are quite thorough it seems, and that is a good quality. It is obvious you have a good heart."

Me: "Thanks Alex, I have been through a lot. I have learned a lot. A good number of people (self included) often wonder what there purpose in life is. Well for me I never knew and sometimes still question it, but I almost killed myself with alcohol about 2.5 years ago. I have been on the brink of death about 4 times since then due to complications of that. I have been sober now 620 days as of today. I have seen and experienced things that most people will never experience, understand, or know about until their number has been called, and usually by that time it is to late for them to share any of it with anyone. Now I am not talking about seeing this great light and the heavens open or anything like that, infact I am Agnostic so I don't even really believe in the religious aspects of life, but I talking more of things like new understandings of things in life, emotion, understanding, love, happiness, sharing and caring. I also was blessed with many experiences when I was younger of being an EMT and a firefighter and helping to save lives as well as watched as life left some of the most innocent of people like a 10 year old boy who lost his inhaler, the 16 year old boy who was stung by a bee and died because he was allergic, went into Anaphylactic shock could not breathe and feel against his door. His mother tried to get into the bedroom and give him an eppi-pen shot but couldn't get in and budge the door because he was so over weight and he passed away. I have seen all of these things but I have also seen a lot of good things as well. All this has given me a new perspective on life and while you may see me post every now an then reaching out for some advose / help myself, it doesn't distract me from the fact that I now believe that I was put here and allowed to experience all these things and endure through a lot so that I can take what I have seen and learned and share with others and hope that through that sharing I may help some people that wouldn't otherwise have the opportunity to get the help. I don't know, I could be completely wrong, but that is how I feel, and there for I share the way I do and feel. I hope that it makes a difference in peoples lives as that is my ultimate goal, to leave this earth at some point with the knowledge and contentment that I have helped someone, another person was helped with insight from my time here. I hope that wasn't to long of an answer to a simple statement where I probably should have just said thank you and shut up lolol. "

Bluelighter: "What a wonderful and selfless goal you have. I, while enjoy helping others, I really do, look after my own interests the most at the end of the day. I am self-centered, even though I do believe I am kind, as well, I cannot deny that I am self-centered. You do help by every post on bluelight, and I am sure by all of what you do outside of bluelight. You do make a difference, I am sure of it. I have to congratuate you on those 620 days, that is truly impressive. While I don't want to be sober (realized this a while ago) ever, I certainly value your will to be and how you have accomplished that. That is something to be proud of. You are a good person, Pain, you most certainly are."

For these reasons, I have been reminded of the good qualities I have. Miss Kristy, honestly I did know that women can tend to be very caring and nurturing, but I guess where I get torn on is would a woman whom I have yet to meet be able to accept me and feel that way? I mean considering this would be a new relationship and all. I mean you said that you would do it again, but that to me sounds like your one in a million (Care to go out to dinner sometime? (I'm just kidding, I had to try to toss in some humor there)) but in my mind you are one in a million, I just can not see meeting a young lady of whom I would be interested in dating wanting to get close to me once she realizes that I have liver disease and that it was partly caused by me being an alcoholic at the time, granted I am a recovering alcoholic at this point, but my point is I come with as they call it "baggage". It's just as many women and men are not interested in dating someone who already has children. In fact I always said I wouldn't either but the woman I am speaking of in my original post does happen to have 2 children already and to me, as my feelings for her were so strong that the thought of being their step-father did not bother me, as at this rate I don't think I will ever have the honor of having my own children to raise and help them to be successful and make a difference in this world, not to mention carry on my families legacy. That is another thing that weighs heavy on me as I am the last of the males in my family tree. Once I pass on, that is it. My family line dies with me and that is something I take very seriously after all my father passed away at the age of 32 or 33, it was back in 1981. I have a sister, but she is helping to carry on her husbands family. Where as I am the only male left to carry on my family name and genes but unfortunately, it all ends with me.

There are just so many things on my mind that I keep focusing in the bad, and rarely focus on the good, as you all helped me do tonight to which I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Love you all!

-Pain