Four years away, I still think of her, and wish to tell her

[What 23]

I wish to tell her that I love her, that I understand, and I wish her well.

Things got complicated. The timing was wrong. So many things were a challenge, and I got messed up around it.

It was one of if not the closest things to "love at first sight" that I have experienced. Our separation didn't come from her losing interest/not liking me, but through a miscommunication and my own insecurity. The miscommunication (or not getting a message) led to more misunderstanding. She got pissed and put her foot down, misreading me. I told her I loved her then, pissed how she could be one way for an entire week, essentially pursuing me where I was hesitant, then turn on me. The way I said it was wrong.

I understand what happened. I even know that she recognized rather quickly her part in the matter/that I am not simply bad and at fault, or whatever I don't know how to say it, as she hinted at it in various ways that I could only read online (where we first had contact), and even recently she posted a certain image that displayed in a symbolic and artistic fashion a number that was big for me- that I told her about, and the day we met as well (23), and was something I told her about/talked about. That was big for me.

That specifically aside, she knows or must know I look at her, and that we did touch on something. She was the first to put it out in the open. She felt we were intended for something. Some collaboration, partnership in ways. I was still reserved. Trying to be right. Not wanting to blindly think "magically", but it still mattered what she thought/felt, to me. But I have a hard time trusting myself. Navigating emotion...

She was/is very spiritual. She claimed to have "guides", not that my saying that like that means I don't believe. I just think. She tried to practice unconditional love. It is a big part of her drive, seemingly.

I just feel things got screwed up. It was within weeks of Valentines Day. I felt pressure both ways because of it. I definitely had feelings for her. She was also, a stripper... which to say the least, "I didn't know about". And I wasn't honestly in the place, I felt, with my financial situation at the time (unemployed), to take on a relationship, I felt.

At this point, she still strips. With me, she told me she wanted to quit. I didn't want to tell her what to do or encourage this because she was supporting herself, and it wasn't like I had a place for her, outside of feeding off of my parents flow, at the time. Insecurity.

But at this point, my life has reached a place as well, where I can't see us as at all compatible, as we are. She would have to basically stop stripping and stop using scented soaps shampoos lotions and we'd even have a hard time being intimate because what she eats, normal food, the residues can give me reactions. I have developed allergies to foods and substances hardcore since her. I'm isolated. I can't be around people or don't want to be, because of my sensitivities. Smells can hurt me.

But beyond the romantic feelings.. I still have love for her. I really do. She won that. Easily. It can be like a friend, brother, cousin, father. Doesn't have to be romantic... Not that I could deny some feelings. I just love her.

But the way I said it back then (when I was mad) and my failure with her, has made this hard to let go of. And I want to let it, and her, go. Just to say I love you, and that's it.

But I have not.

Would it be totally wrong of me to tell her, at this point, do you think? I know she is open... if I know how to say it. It is not that I want to hook her. It is the opposite. I want to release my burden, and clear the air with her. I don't want me as a stain or scar or wound in her memory, of something that got fucked up. I really don't want that with anyone, or as anyone one in mine, but the pull to clear it with her, is greater than others.

I feel multiple things about it. I should. I should not. Only curious what others might think.

There are other things that make it hard to let go ... Like a rock she gave to me our first night together. I don't know what to do with it. Burdened. It got messed up. Neither intended. Of course, it never is. But our feelings were, although there was some of the natural boy-girl, open, and curious. I guess I understand. And I wish there to be that.

I don't mean to ask others what I should do, I'd like to know what they would do/have done. How do they deal with things. I can't just make up an "I am right and you are wrong" situation and be done with it. Letting go is hard, especially that we knew each other for that short span. The impressions made before last, but this is some scar. Wound.

I know that meeting another as well, as much as some don't like to admit, helps it suck a lot less, you "move on", but I haven't met anyone. I don't plan to. I doubt I will. And still, sometimes, I still think of others. But I the pulls are unique. Objectively, I do notice that it gets replaced by another, the burden. To a degree. But then, it's never really gone.

 

[Jert]

Hey man just do anything that'll lead you not to have any regrets or wondering 'what - if's ' because they are both worse than trying and failing.

 

[What 23]

You are right. I am just stuck on it, though. How to say it.

Would she welcome it? Or would I be that strange dude and "oh shit", you know? But that is if.

I might be being a coward. I don't require response, though, for me. Maybe I should say that. Love can just be heavy, and I always feel insecure saying it. Don't want her to feel pressure in some way. Don't want that on me.

But you are right.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Just tell her that you still love her. I skimmed your post.

Oh, send her flowers! "Thinking of you, signed your name" I think that'll be cute!!
Oh and maybe include, "Would love to catch up--,your number."

 

[What 23]

Ah.. But we never got that far. I could be dumb when it comes to girls though.

I went to kiss her one night.. perhaps the first night together when I visited and she told me I could stay the night. Things were going perfect. I went to kiss her, but as my lips touched hers, I pulled back. I don't know why. I said I was sorry, as I did.

We were lying on the floor to sleep next to each other. Her new unfurnished apartment. It was dark. In a conversation she said she hopes to get to a point as a species where we don't need mouths to communicate. I wanted to demonstrate how some things were right the way they were.

She was receptive, I could feel, but I stopped. It was our first day to meet.

My holding back hurt things, perhaps. But I had reasons.


Also, she moved away to be closer to family- where they live. I have no idea where she lives and I didn't remember her number. My old phone got washed and at the time I felt it would be good to not have it. I only can contact her through Facebook, unless I want to do some kind of background search on her.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Just facebook message her then. "Thinking of you.. we should catch up--<insert number>". Or just be like, "Hey, long time no talk--what have you been up to?"