Former colleague's memorial service

[aihfl]

I'm getting pressure from several former colleagues to attend a memorial service for another recently-deceased colleague. I don't want to go for two reasons:

1. I (understandably) became a pariah for my drug and alcohol abuse on the job. Now that I have moved on professionally and have something resembling stability in my life, I don't want to see these people, many of whom I didn't even like in the first place.

2. When I lost my job due to my drug and alcohol use, this colleague unfriended and blocked me on Facebook. Now I know this sounds absurd on the surface, to let social media politics and bickering get under my skin, but I don't want to show up and act like this person was a great friend and that her passing in any way matters to me (I apologize if that sounds callous, but it doesn't).

I still have under a year of sobriety. Right now, I'm inclined to think that going might jeopardize my sobriety. Or do I need to just suck it up and go in the interests of being socially responsible?

 

[Moreaux]

If I were in your position I wouldn't go. Those people don't seem like they were there for you when you were at a low point in your life, and if the deceased did block/unfriend you on Facebook they already made it abundantly clear how they feel about you.

Taking care of your health and recovery is the most socially responsible thing you could do. If you have a decent relationship with the former colleagues who want you to go then just tell them it will be a trigger and you don't want to risk your sobriety. If you're not comfortable saying that you could be honest and say you and the deceased did not get along in life and you are not comfortable attending services. Easiest answer would be that you are busy and have something very important schedule for the same time as the service and are not available.

If you are not close with these colleagues or don't care for them just thank them for wanting to include you but you have moved on. Explain it was a difficult time in your life and you would rather remain focused on moving forward. You may even want to include that you did not get any support (office pariah) while you were trying to navigate through the difficulties and as such they don't need to bother you in the future.

I have had the very coworkers who judged me harshly and gossip about my addiction attempt to reconnect (for a variety of reasons) and I have shut them down. I told them their gossip and judgement only added to my problems and that we weren't friends back then so there is no need to try now. I also added that I prefer to spend my time with positive people, and that I do not trust people who gossip or publically judge (and then gossip) others as they are toxic.

Congratulations on your sobriety and for also practicing relapse prevention and having the foresight to see this situation as a potential problem/trigger. Please let me know what you decide to do. Good luck!

 

[simco]

I recommend not attending the funeral. Taking recovery seriously often means we have to tell people 'no' despite their blow-back. If you think it might set you back in any way, however small , why chance it? Also, in terms of perspective, these are former colleagues, not close family or similar.

You don't have to go into detail when you say no... no need for lengthy explanations.

Good luck!

 

[starting_over]

Nope I wouldn't go

 

[cj]

I wouldn't go. Its grief tourism at best.

 

[aihfl]

Thank you everyone. My IOP therapist used to tell me "cars can have a mind of their own" and I could see myself very easily pulling into a bar or liquor store parking lot and washing down a handful of benzos with a stiff drink before I even really took any time to think about what happened. Thinking about how quickly at the relapse pattern of trigger --> thoughts --> craving --> use can happen, it's probably best to avoid the trigger at this point. Thank you for corroborating my gut.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I also agree with the above that you are probably best off not going. Take care of yourself my friend, you got to look out for #1 in this situation. Nice to know your intuition is trustworthy again, isn't it?

 

[aihfl]

Thx TPD

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Don't go. Focus on you.

 

[herbavore]

Only reason to ever go to a memorial is if you are genuinely sad about the person's passing and would like to be with others that are also--in other words to support each other in grief and to celebrate the person's life. Since neither of these applies I would not waste one iota of time feeling pressured.