FML...Found a lost bag, and guess what??

[sweetzoe]

So I've been doing really fucking well, but I had this wild recollection the other night that I had hidden a rig and a bag in this cast iron skillet that's hanging on the wall as a decoration.... Have been having some depressing times..( I know that's no excuse whatsoever) but sure as shit did it make me look under that cast iron skillet and guess what? My recollection was correct. So guess what I did y'all?..YEP...SOOOO....it's not like I'm banging dope everyday that's the firstst time I've used boy in a long time but what's fucked up is it makes me wish and start reminiscing almost about the times that I was using which is such a fucked-up Way To Think... Plus now I'm listening to The Velvet Underground which is definitely not helping

 

[Tubbs]

I've had similar experiences, I remember once during my meth days I had "quit", told myself I was done, and "didn't have any". It had been 5 days with no meth, I've got jaw issues, it likes to get tense. Well for whatever reason I remembered i had magnesium tablets during an episode of this, and when i went to take a couple, I open the bottle to find about 2 grams of the shit.

Just keep your head up Zoe, it's not the end of the world, we all have lapses. It's part of process.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

If I found meth I would do it.

Don’t feel bad. It’s a lack of will power, none of us want to be powerless.

 

[aihfl]

^ I actually don't think it's a matter of willpower. It's something stronger than that. I was heartened to hear my ex tell my mother that someone who made it through two masters degrees and a doctorate and won auditions to play in professional symphony orchestras is not someone lacking in willpower. But at the same time, I don't know what it is, but it definitely comes from a deeper, more primordial place in the brain. As CJ once said, "If consequences were enough to make me stop, I would have stopped long ago." I'd like to think at this point if I found a bottle of vodka or a bottle of Percocet I would pour it down the sink or flush them, but ya never know.

 

[jdfisse]

^ I actually don't think it's a matter of willpower. It's something stronger than that. I was heartened to hear my ex tell my mother that someone who made it through two masters degrees and a doctorate and won auditions to play in professional symphony orchestras is not someone lacking in willpower. But at the same time, I don't know what it is, but it definitely comes from a deeper, more primordial place in the brain. As CJ once said, "If consequences were enough to make me stop, I would have stopped long ago." I'd like to think at this point if I found a bottle of vodka or a bottle of Percocet I would pour it down the sink or flush them, but ya never know.

^^THIS

If this was a willpower issue I believe addicts would be the best equipped to deal with it on the planet. Not one I have met has greater "willpower" than the addict. Where a person with lesser "willpower" would say, "wow this is really wrecking my life I can't keep going..." I will keep doing it with relentless fire. I will drive on the rims, grind on the chassis, and then let my ass dig a divot in the concrete before I am done. "Not one of us will remember with sufficient force..."

 

[Captain.Heroin]

You don’t have the will to say no, though.

It’s a concept.

The addict wants to think otherwise in hopes of reuniting with the honeymoon phase, or trick themselves into thinking they can use again without resuming addiction/withdrawals/hangover.

I can say no to free heroin. I have before.

I know I won’t say no to free meth. From experience and I know I would shamelessly use again.

I’m alright with that. I have accepted it. I am imperfect.

 

[aihfl]

^ Yeah but there's something deeper than resides in the conscious mind that compels us to seek out our DOCs. I don't think any addict rationally thinks scoring alcohol or dope is a good idea and I certainly didn't entertain the notion that I could ever drink or use downers "normally." I would have even told you that right before I drove to the liquor store or checked the number of refills I had left on my Percs. Something about the abuse of a substance over time rewires us in some way in the inner recesses of the brain. I never abused stimulants and would flatly turn down a free line of coke. But offer me free booze, pain pills or benzos and it's a crap shoot. My psych doc gave me a good news, bad news scenario. The bad news is it takes about seven years for the brain to rewire itself. The good news is that the majority of that rewiring takes place in the first year.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I'm not saying all people who have problems with addiction fit the "lacking will power" theory but it definitely fits me to some degree.

I really wouldn't want my brain to rewire, I'm fine the way I am. I just have to live with this.

 

[herbavore]

I think willpower is a central paradox in recovery. On the one hand it cannot be considered a failure when it is not present because willpower represents using the rational brain and we all know that addiction lies far deeper than the rational. This just feeds the snake eating its tail loop of shame>use>shame>use. On the other hand it is needed. When all is said and done, there is only one person who can stop you from using: you.

I have terrible willpower. I tend to take the easy path. I have tried to increase my willpower over habits I know are not good for me and its always a roller coaster until I finally hit that one inexplicable moment when mysteriously my willpower kicks in and I realize that I did have this power all along. But why does it take so much spinning in place to get to that moment? One thing that is very clear to me though, is how the cycle is fortified when I convince myself that I do not have willpower; that I am weak. How do you take the self-flagellation out of the concept of being weak? One thing that helps me is simply semantics. I I say "I am weak in the face of this temptation" there is a qualitative difference between that and this way of saying it, "This makes me vulnerable". One way of saying it focuses on me being defective or lacking in some way; the latter recognizes the threat honestly but does not feed shame.

The only chemical addiction I have ever dealt with is to nicotine. Willpower was never a part of deciding to quit and what allowed me to finally quit was more of a game of reinventing routines, strategies for vulnerable times of day etc. But there is no denying that for the first week of quitting (and then random spots after that) sheer willpower was needed to get through cravings.

 

[losangeles1993]

do this is just a minor setback for a major comeback ...dont worry dude your doing good...and i can't listen to Lou Reed cause thats a trigger..and so are heroin movies.... be careful dude and you got this

 

[sweetzoe]

do this is just a minor setback for a major comeback ...dont worry dude your doing good...and i can't listen to Lou Reed cause thats a trigger..and so are heroin movies.... be careful dude and you got this

Dudette would be more apropos, however I'll forgive you this time lol.... I completely understand what you're saying because what brought me down this Rabbit Hole this time was watching Trainspotting even though I knew it would probably fucking do it I just wanted to see it drug porn, I guess you would call it...
And ever since then I believe that was 2016 I've been fighting this bullshit and up until then ( methadone clinic removed from equation)...I had been sober for like four and a half years

 

[sweetzoe]

^^THIS

If this was a willpower issue I believe addicts would be the best equipped to deal with it on the planet. Not one I have met has greater "willpower" than the addict. Where a person with lesser "willpower" would say, "wow this is really wrecking my life I can't keep going..." I will keep doing it with relentless fire. I will drive on the rims, grind on the chassis, and then let my ass dig a divot in the concrete before I am done. "Not one of us will remember with sufficient force..."

Reminds me of the time I tried to drive with a flat ass Tire just to get some beer when I was in Clermont.... I finally realized I couldn't make it any farther down the road like that, so I found a place to leavey vehicle...thumbed it, and got a ride to the store. Also was able to talk my way into a ride back from a different dude at the store..made it.safely home; however, got my car towed in the interim, but didn't care cuz I just ended up with my endgame which was the drug of choice I was seeking at the time

 

[sweetzoe]

The addict wants to think otherwise in hopes of reuniting with the honeymoon phase, or trick themselves into thinking they can use again without resuming addiction/withdrawals/hangover.

And I'm not trying to fool myself into anything I know very well that I am a weak human being when it comes to saying no. And I know that every time I use again it's going to be harder to get off. And I'm scared to move for my job because I'm going Upstate New York and from what I've heard the heroin scene is pretty hot up there. But I have to think about my future and that's what I'm going on, I don't know about a honeymoon phase because I am very aware that I am far removed from any point or place wherein I believe that the Sweet Spot of beginning drug abuse or actually feeling good after using it is ever going to happen again

 

[Ds]

don't get me wrong after having some time sober I still think about getting high, and really it's just a fleeting thought. I quickly think of something else, like video games and what next item I want for my class-specified character (CH you might know what i'm talking about with cs:go), to the point where I start obsessing over the item I want for my account, and the thought about getting high just get's replaced.
It may not be 100% healthy because I end up spending real money for my item,the cool thing is the excitement and joy in running around with a rare item that everyone is drooling over is priceless.

 

[sweetzoe]

don't get me wrong after having some time sober I still think about getting high, and really it's just a fleeting thought. I quickly think of something else, like video games and what next item I want for my class-specified character (CH you might know what i'm talking about with cs:go), to the point where I start obsessing over the item I want for my account, and the thought about getting high just get's replaced.
It may not be 100% healthy because I end up spending real money for my item,the cool thing is the excitement and joy in running around with a rare item that everyone is drooling over is priceless.

Yeah bro... don't want to go up north however there's some real good money there they're paying 27 cent a foot for strand, plus sheet length ( not strand length) for fiber.... Gotta go where that money is

 

[Captain.Heroin]

It’s really nice to want things that aren’t drugs

Sweet Zoe: I was talking more about myself there and others in general.

Best of luck with the move and career.

 

[Pickledlemons]

A couple weeks ago I was cleaning out my drawers and found a little piece of aluminum foil wrapped with an elastic. I opened it up and found about 2 points of some nice sparkling meth, as well as a point or so of heroin. My heart sped up and my muscles tensed. I was having a bad day already, it took everything in me to flush it. Absolutely everything. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It didn't even feel good. I was regretting it for the next 2 days.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I could have gifted away the heroin but undoubtedly would have done the meth.

Congrats on having enough will power to dispose of it.

 

[sweetzoe]

Oh I've definitely proven my lack of willpower... I'd have definitely fucking done both in some sort of deranged redneck speedball

 

[simco]

Damn, Zoe...that's some hardcore work you did. Congratulations.