I dont know if I should post this in BDD or in Trip Reports or in Dark Side. It feels like it would fit in all of those forums
I'm a 23 year old male, weighing 130lb (58kg). Drunk for the first time at 15. Done lots of binge drinking during weekends between ages 16 and 19. Vomiting, slurring words, falling on my ass was a common occurrence. At age 20 I slowed down a bit. In March 2012 I began drinking small amounts of vodka daily. I've been drinking daily up to today. In April 2013 I got a 6oz. canteen and I would fill it up every day and then drink throughout the day, during work. At night I would sip a little more straifght from the bottle before going to sleep. In June 2013 I got another canteen, holding 5 oz. A single canteen was simply not enough anymore. I started drinking both canteens while at work. Actually most days I wouldnt completely empty the two canteens, but came very close to it. To sum it up, I think I've been drinking an average daily amount of 300ml of vodka for the past 3 to 4 months. That's roughly equal to 7-8 beers.
In July 2013 I also started smoking a little weed, everyday. Weed doesnt fail to make me anxious and paranoid, but it also has an anger suppression and an antidepressant effect that I like very much. It was only one or two hits from a pipe. Two weeks ago the weed gave me a panic attack/depersonalization stage that prevented me from going to work. I was shaking really bad. I had such low hypotension that I felt like I was going to pass out. I ended up going to the ER, more because of hypochondria than anything. The doctor recommended that I see a psychiatrist, which I did this last Wednesday. He gave me a bunch of Lexapro to take everyday and Clonazepam 0,25mg to take if needed. Also I forgot to mention that I started therapy tan weeks ago, for my depression, anxiety and issues that most of the Bluelight crowd wouldnt relate to so there is no need to mention.
Fast foward to today, Saturday, October 19. I woke up at 7:30 AM feeling very depressed. I decided to try out the Kratom that I bought from the Internet three months ago. It was in stored in my closet for all this time. I filled up a tablespoon with it and shove it in my mouth. I always read on the Internet how Kratom tastes so fucking awful and disgusting but I was surprised: I did not find the taste of Kratom all that bad. I swallowed it with the help of a little water...
Now, please, bear in mind: I've never done an opiate in my life. In the shithole where I live there is no heroin on the streets. Most people dont even know what opiate painkillers are and that they can be used recreationally. I dont even know where I can get opiates since they are rare and very controlled around here. I always read a lot about opiates and was very curious about them since the first time that I watched Trainspotting.
I always thought that the Kratom would be a weak, BS kind of high, but within 10 min of swallowing it I started feeling a wave of euphoria like I've never felt before. HOLY CRAP. It was amazing! I started scratching my head, my hands like crazy, I felt itchy all over. I went to the mirror looked at my face and my pupils were shrunk to nothing. That's it. I was HIGH. I put on the Darks Side of The Moon and listened to it for hours. The anger and irritability that is always with me disappeared. The feeling of being "less than" other people that is always with also disappeared. Feelings of inferiority vanished. I actually wanted to go out and do something social. But I had nothing to do so I just kept lied down in the ground listening to music feeling like this warm blanket from Heaven just came over me.
At about noon the feelings Kratom gave me were almost all gone, I was back to normal, but my mood was incredibly lifted yet.
One hour passed. It was now about 1PM. The nice feeling from Kratom started quickly morphing into depresonalization/derealization. I also began to feel a little anxiety. Something was not right. The anxiety grew, and grew, and grew. I began to feel on the verge of a panic attack. I started to have some small jerks, involuntary movements What the fuck was going on? Did the Kratom triggered some sort os excess serotonin in my brain? I started researching the internet like mad but I found nothing conclusive. I suddenly began to feel very agitated, like I was gonna have a seizure or something. I did not want to use my benzo script that I acquired last Wednesday so soon. It is the first benzo script that's been prescribed to me in my life! But the agitation that I was feeling was so bad that I reached for a 0,25mg tablet and took it (at 2pm), hands shaking, out of desparation. I also took a bottle of vodka and sipped a little.
Then it dawned on me. I was blaming Kratom for the agitation that I was feeling until then. But then it dawned on me: my last drink of alcohol was 20 hours before this! That's it! It was moderate alcohol withdrawal! The Katom was inoccent. Or did the Kratom help trigger the panic a little?
Also, I decided that I wouldnt use alcohol to calm down since I want to stop drinking every day, especially now that I want to began using Lexapro.
I kept wondering about to what extent my anxiety and agitation (it was pretty bad, mind you) was a result of alcohol withdrawal or some side effect from Kratom. Soon the Clonazepam began to take hold and I calmed down. I was very surprised though, that the 0,25mg did nothing but calm down a little. I was hoping that it would completely chill me out since I'm not a frequent benzo user (few times a year, if that). I remembered when back in 2012 I took half a Diazepam 10mg had euphoria and felt so good for 48 hours! And when I had that weed triggered panic attack two weeks ago 10mg of Diazepam did not have any euphoria and only calmed me down. The drinking that I did this year must have taken its toll on my GABA
At about 8 Pm I began to feel anxiety rising up again. Damn, the 0,25mg tablet effect was already gone! I thought they were more potent and long lasting!
The anxiety grew and grew and again shot to panic levels. My pulse began to race. I started feeling twitches. My hands were shaking really visibly. I couldnt sit still. I needed something to taper. I had a bottle of vodka and a supply of Clonazepam and Phenobarbital in my drawer but I decided that I would not use them. I was going to the gas station and buy beer. I think beer is better to taper off.
The motorcycle ride to the gas station was short but scary. I was shaking and felt this feeling of impending doom and insanity. I bought five beers and drank one of them on the spot, in less than 30 seconds. I went through lots of hellish hangovers in my life but this is the only second time that I can say I go through something that could be called moderate alcohol withdrawal. i think one of the textbook signs of alcohol withdrawal is the speed in wich you down a beer.
The beer didn't do much. I considered riding to the ER, but instead, drunk another beer. Soon the shakiness in my hands was gone and some sanity returned, but I still felt agitated and depersonalized. I came back home.
It's now 00:30AM and I still dont feel well. I'm still agitated and with a brain fog. I finished the third beer a little while ago. Sleep seems like an impossible task right now. Also I feel extremely lonely, hopeless, depressed. I want to lead a different life. I dont think I'm a real alcoholic but I definetly want to stop drinking everyday. I have so many issues with my life and no one to help me. Therapy seems so dull and ineffective
Also I have a question: how strong are a single 0,25mg Clonazepam tablet? I thought they were strong but they didnt seem to last long.
Should I wait for the withdrawal from alcohol to fully resolve before start taking Lexapro?
Does anyone have any kind of advice?
I'm a 23 year old male, weighing 130lb (58kg). Drunk for the first time at 15. Done lots of binge drinking during weekends between ages 16 and 19. Vomiting, slurring words, falling on my ass was a common occurrence. At age 20 I slowed down a bit. In March 2012 I began drinking small amounts of vodka daily. I've been drinking daily up to today. In April 2013 I got a 6oz. canteen and I would fill it up every day and then drink throughout the day, during work. At night I would sip a little more straifght from the bottle before going to sleep. In June 2013 I got another canteen, holding 5 oz. A single canteen was simply not enough anymore. I started drinking both canteens while at work. Actually most days I wouldnt completely empty the two canteens, but came very close to it. To sum it up, I think I've been drinking an average daily amount of 300ml of vodka for the past 3 to 4 months. That's roughly equal to 7-8 beers.
In July 2013 I also started smoking a little weed, everyday. Weed doesnt fail to make me anxious and paranoid, but it also has an anger suppression and an antidepressant effect that I like very much. It was only one or two hits from a pipe. Two weeks ago the weed gave me a panic attack/depersonalization stage that prevented me from going to work. I was shaking really bad. I had such low hypotension that I felt like I was going to pass out. I ended up going to the ER, more because of hypochondria than anything. The doctor recommended that I see a psychiatrist, which I did this last Wednesday. He gave me a bunch of Lexapro to take everyday and Clonazepam 0,25mg to take if needed. Also I forgot to mention that I started therapy tan weeks ago, for my depression, anxiety and issues that most of the Bluelight crowd wouldnt relate to so there is no need to mention.
Fast foward to today, Saturday, October 19. I woke up at 7:30 AM feeling very depressed. I decided to try out the Kratom that I bought from the Internet three months ago. It was in stored in my closet for all this time. I filled up a tablespoon with it and shove it in my mouth. I always read on the Internet how Kratom tastes so fucking awful and disgusting but I was surprised: I did not find the taste of Kratom all that bad. I swallowed it with the help of a little water...
Now, please, bear in mind: I've never done an opiate in my life. In the shithole where I live there is no heroin on the streets. Most people dont even know what opiate painkillers are and that they can be used recreationally. I dont even know where I can get opiates since they are rare and very controlled around here. I always read a lot about opiates and was very curious about them since the first time that I watched Trainspotting.
I always thought that the Kratom would be a weak, BS kind of high, but within 10 min of swallowing it I started feeling a wave of euphoria like I've never felt before. HOLY CRAP. It was amazing! I started scratching my head, my hands like crazy, I felt itchy all over. I went to the mirror looked at my face and my pupils were shrunk to nothing. That's it. I was HIGH. I put on the Darks Side of The Moon and listened to it for hours. The anger and irritability that is always with me disappeared. The feeling of being "less than" other people that is always with also disappeared. Feelings of inferiority vanished. I actually wanted to go out and do something social. But I had nothing to do so I just kept lied down in the ground listening to music feeling like this warm blanket from Heaven just came over me.
At about noon the feelings Kratom gave me were almost all gone, I was back to normal, but my mood was incredibly lifted yet.
One hour passed. It was now about 1PM. The nice feeling from Kratom started quickly morphing into depresonalization/derealization. I also began to feel a little anxiety. Something was not right. The anxiety grew, and grew, and grew. I began to feel on the verge of a panic attack. I started to have some small jerks, involuntary movements What the fuck was going on? Did the Kratom triggered some sort os excess serotonin in my brain? I started researching the internet like mad but I found nothing conclusive. I suddenly began to feel very agitated, like I was gonna have a seizure or something. I did not want to use my benzo script that I acquired last Wednesday so soon. It is the first benzo script that's been prescribed to me in my life! But the agitation that I was feeling was so bad that I reached for a 0,25mg tablet and took it (at 2pm), hands shaking, out of desparation. I also took a bottle of vodka and sipped a little.
Then it dawned on me. I was blaming Kratom for the agitation that I was feeling until then. But then it dawned on me: my last drink of alcohol was 20 hours before this! That's it! It was moderate alcohol withdrawal! The Katom was inoccent. Or did the Kratom help trigger the panic a little?
Also, I decided that I wouldnt use alcohol to calm down since I want to stop drinking every day, especially now that I want to began using Lexapro.
I kept wondering about to what extent my anxiety and agitation (it was pretty bad, mind you) was a result of alcohol withdrawal or some side effect from Kratom. Soon the Clonazepam began to take hold and I calmed down. I was very surprised though, that the 0,25mg did nothing but calm down a little. I was hoping that it would completely chill me out since I'm not a frequent benzo user (few times a year, if that). I remembered when back in 2012 I took half a Diazepam 10mg had euphoria and felt so good for 48 hours! And when I had that weed triggered panic attack two weeks ago 10mg of Diazepam did not have any euphoria and only calmed me down. The drinking that I did this year must have taken its toll on my GABA
At about 8 Pm I began to feel anxiety rising up again. Damn, the 0,25mg tablet effect was already gone! I thought they were more potent and long lasting!
The anxiety grew and grew and again shot to panic levels. My pulse began to race. I started feeling twitches. My hands were shaking really visibly. I couldnt sit still. I needed something to taper. I had a bottle of vodka and a supply of Clonazepam and Phenobarbital in my drawer but I decided that I would not use them. I was going to the gas station and buy beer. I think beer is better to taper off.
The motorcycle ride to the gas station was short but scary. I was shaking and felt this feeling of impending doom and insanity. I bought five beers and drank one of them on the spot, in less than 30 seconds. I went through lots of hellish hangovers in my life but this is the only second time that I can say I go through something that could be called moderate alcohol withdrawal. i think one of the textbook signs of alcohol withdrawal is the speed in wich you down a beer.
The beer didn't do much. I considered riding to the ER, but instead, drunk another beer. Soon the shakiness in my hands was gone and some sanity returned, but I still felt agitated and depersonalized. I came back home.
It's now 00:30AM and I still dont feel well. I'm still agitated and with a brain fog. I finished the third beer a little while ago. Sleep seems like an impossible task right now. Also I feel extremely lonely, hopeless, depressed. I want to lead a different life. I dont think I'm a real alcoholic but I definetly want to stop drinking everyday. I have so many issues with my life and no one to help me. Therapy seems so dull and ineffective
Also I have a question: how strong are a single 0,25mg Clonazepam tablet? I thought they were strong but they didnt seem to last long.
Should I wait for the withdrawal from alcohol to fully resolve before start taking Lexapro?
Does anyone have any kind of advice?
