MorpheusKain
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jul 2, 2010
- Messages
- 6
As I was ever so tenderly digging into my brown Italian skin with a point locked and loaded with Dilaudid, I was a man completely unprepared for the revelation I was about to drop into my veins. I purchased a box of 100 syringes a month ago expecting it to last the rest of my life; I promised myself I would never walk down the IV expressway so many of my now lost friends discovered had no speed limit. Just once, right? Nah... Maybe a few times then, because damn this sure does make the hollow, empty, echoing pang of my soul sound infinitely more melodious. This is now the last syringe out of that box, and only I used them.
I feel the histamine release slowly rumbling in my chest, releasing my spirit of grief on the way up my body and liberating my head and heart of the thousand pound leech known commonly as depression which has voraciously been sucking my life from me. I feel my rush slowly coming to a peak and withdraw the point only to feel my phone vibrate with five rush destroying letters displayed on its screen.
A**** is a name that sets my heart aflame, reminds my lips of the warmth that only her touch has ever brought, and makes me long for the things in life which I will only be able to attain in time.
Through a son whom was a blonde haired and blue eyed model of the exact opposite of my genetics I stood by her side and truly learned how to love another. I raised both of her (MINE!
) children for two years as my then 19 year old soul was forced to blossom into a man. I owe the three of them my very life, and I owe her the pleasure of finally knowing the happiness only attained in living a genuinely fulfilling life.
As I lifted the phone I could see her standing in my doorway looking at me. I could hear a soft sniffle emerge from the hand covering her face to stifle her teary reaction. I judged myself with her eyes, and it HURT. As my heart pitter-pattered and the butterflies took flight in my gut, I smiled with a warmth no injection has ever given me.
At the very first sound of her voice, I realized I was looking for the same rush, satisfaction, and completeness only the young family (now 24-her, 2-son, 4-daughter, and I'm 23 myself) I so dearly cradled in my arms every night provided me. I shot up one hundred times, and not until the plunger bottomed on this 100th injection and her name appeared in front of my face did I finally realize what every last drop of pleasure I hurtled into my veins was intended to replace.
After spending the proceeding eight hours together I realized my cheeks were sore from the shit-eating grin I had worn from the moment I wrapped my arms around her. Even as I remembered the once all to familiar irritation I previously had to learn to reign in as every man in the vicinity gazed at my swimsuit model partner I realized how incredibly different we had both become. It was refreshing to meet the improved version of my friend, and it was an even greater pleasure to introduce my own personal development. I finally realized what an incredible compliment I was receiving as the girl on my arm garnered all the testosterone fueled attention around me, and had to chuckle to myself for previously being too ignorant to see the genuine praise I was being silently given. We laid down and slept together for the remaining two hours I had to spare before work, and as I dreamt of the future I finally accepted that no chemical will ever substitute my family and that I must become the man they needed.
I believe after four years of on and off courtship we have both finally grown into the adult the other deserves, and I am willing to open my heart and leave it vulnerable to the decimation only felt by a man whom has unwillingly had his new family wrenched from his grip knows. I will do whatever the two of us decide is best for this family, and I pray her feelings are still as strong and genuine as my own. Given time I can only hope this will work out, because without success I will be a man jaded beyond the point of return.
I will keep my chin up and my act together, but I know that this heart will never have the same amount of room after; despite as much I may wish to purge myself of the place I have given this infant family, I will never succeed. I do not feel it fair to another woman and my own genetic children one day to have three others in my heart, but this is a fact I know I must live with if circumstance so dictates.
I have read BlueLight every day of my life for the last three years, and I would like to extend my sincerest gratitude to every member of this board in my first post. You have all contributed immensely to my continued existence,
so I will truthfully state that 'I wouldn't be here without you'.
I am studying BioChem at Uni and have learned an immense deal I hope to contribute to these forums, and I wished to share the moment that finally brought a many year lurker to click the registration link. I will provide a detailed back story if anyone is interested but I wished not to convolute my beloved escape with a shitty tale of man and woman on my first post, and most especially if no one cares to read it.
Thank you BlueLight, and I look forwards to finally giving back to a community whom has given me so much. Wish me luck, for I begin the slow play tonight as I take this game one beautiful, life changing, fulfilling, soul enriching, and truly beloved step at a time.
-No more needles for me,
Morpheus Kain
I feel the histamine release slowly rumbling in my chest, releasing my spirit of grief on the way up my body and liberating my head and heart of the thousand pound leech known commonly as depression which has voraciously been sucking my life from me. I feel my rush slowly coming to a peak and withdraw the point only to feel my phone vibrate with five rush destroying letters displayed on its screen.
A**** is a name that sets my heart aflame, reminds my lips of the warmth that only her touch has ever brought, and makes me long for the things in life which I will only be able to attain in time.
Through a son whom was a blonde haired and blue eyed model of the exact opposite of my genetics I stood by her side and truly learned how to love another. I raised both of her (MINE!
) children for two years as my then 19 year old soul was forced to blossom into a man. I owe the three of them my very life, and I owe her the pleasure of finally knowing the happiness only attained in living a genuinely fulfilling life.As I lifted the phone I could see her standing in my doorway looking at me. I could hear a soft sniffle emerge from the hand covering her face to stifle her teary reaction. I judged myself with her eyes, and it HURT. As my heart pitter-pattered and the butterflies took flight in my gut, I smiled with a warmth no injection has ever given me.
At the very first sound of her voice, I realized I was looking for the same rush, satisfaction, and completeness only the young family (now 24-her, 2-son, 4-daughter, and I'm 23 myself) I so dearly cradled in my arms every night provided me. I shot up one hundred times, and not until the plunger bottomed on this 100th injection and her name appeared in front of my face did I finally realize what every last drop of pleasure I hurtled into my veins was intended to replace.
After spending the proceeding eight hours together I realized my cheeks were sore from the shit-eating grin I had worn from the moment I wrapped my arms around her. Even as I remembered the once all to familiar irritation I previously had to learn to reign in as every man in the vicinity gazed at my swimsuit model partner I realized how incredibly different we had both become. It was refreshing to meet the improved version of my friend, and it was an even greater pleasure to introduce my own personal development. I finally realized what an incredible compliment I was receiving as the girl on my arm garnered all the testosterone fueled attention around me, and had to chuckle to myself for previously being too ignorant to see the genuine praise I was being silently given. We laid down and slept together for the remaining two hours I had to spare before work, and as I dreamt of the future I finally accepted that no chemical will ever substitute my family and that I must become the man they needed.
I believe after four years of on and off courtship we have both finally grown into the adult the other deserves, and I am willing to open my heart and leave it vulnerable to the decimation only felt by a man whom has unwillingly had his new family wrenched from his grip knows. I will do whatever the two of us decide is best for this family, and I pray her feelings are still as strong and genuine as my own. Given time I can only hope this will work out, because without success I will be a man jaded beyond the point of return.
I will keep my chin up and my act together, but I know that this heart will never have the same amount of room after; despite as much I may wish to purge myself of the place I have given this infant family, I will never succeed. I do not feel it fair to another woman and my own genetic children one day to have three others in my heart, but this is a fact I know I must live with if circumstance so dictates.
I have read BlueLight every day of my life for the last three years, and I would like to extend my sincerest gratitude to every member of this board in my first post. You have all contributed immensely to my continued existence,
so I will truthfully state that 'I wouldn't be here without you'.I am studying BioChem at Uni and have learned an immense deal I hope to contribute to these forums, and I wished to share the moment that finally brought a many year lurker to click the registration link. I will provide a detailed back story if anyone is interested but I wished not to convolute my beloved escape with a shitty tale of man and woman on my first post, and most especially if no one cares to read it.
Thank you BlueLight, and I look forwards to finally giving back to a community whom has given me so much. Wish me luck, for I begin the slow play tonight as I take this game one beautiful, life changing, fulfilling, soul enriching, and truly beloved step at a time.
-No more needles for me,
Morpheus Kain
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