tylerchristianson
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Aug 24, 2021
- Messages
- 1
Hello Everyone. This is my first post on Bluelight and I wanted to discuss this topic because my Higher Power has given me incredible strength these last 36 days. I am 19 years old, coming off of meth and heroin this last run. I have been trying to get sober for the last year and a half and every time I stopped using I took the suggestions that 12-step and rehab programs told me. Meetings, Sponsor, Exercise, Yoga, Meditation, you name it. However, I never understood how to form a God of my own understanding. Every night, I would pray and the doubt and confusion would creep in and I would stop after a short amount of time. I would run on self-will for a couple of months and would feel empty, alone, and distraught. Sure, I was keeping busy and productive, but I had no self-esteem or peace because I was running on all my character defects, I was abstinent instead of truly sober. As a result, I would isolate heavily just like my using days, and it was a very depressing life. This last 6 month run on heroin and meth was the darkest time of my life. The only people I interacted with were my father, my dopeman, and my coworkers. I put up a facade with every one of those people so the only time I was myself was when I was alone. I would use to oblivion so I did not have to feel the pain of being alone. I got into treatment 37 days ago and by the 3rd day, I read a prayer out of a book I had been reading and I had a spiritual experience. It was about 15 seconds of very calming peace and acceptance from my higher power. I was on my knees with my eyes closed, but I saw faint golden/white light come flowing into my eyes, I felt a warm feeling in my heart that told me something like, "I am here, now is the time to live through me, you are forgiven." I was given enough hope and validation that night to begin my spiritual journey and leave behind all of my past doubts. These past 37 days, my higher power has given me a reason to not leave my rehab due to the rampant drug use inside the facility and right outside of it and the lack of care they give to us. It has given me a reason to not use when I had the oppurtunity. It has shown me acceptance, humility (so crucial), compassion and dilligance. Above all, I know that god is not going to give me anything I CANT HANDLE! There has not been a day where I dont want to get high or drunk, my cravings are not going anywhere for the time being. I have financhial stress, relationship stress, internal and interpersonal stress. However, I know that this is all temporary, as long as I keep my faith and god and not give into my self-will, there will be a time in the future where these stressors will be more managaeble. Now, before I end this, I want to make things clear; I am not in 100% faithful 24/7. My spirituality is similar to my drug use. Each day it goes up and down, there are days I dont feel his prescence and all I can feel is the evil spirits tempting me to give in. However, it is on these days that I usually pray the most, I pray that God removes these obessions of gluttony, drinking and using, resentments, list goes on. When I sense that things are getting better, that restores my faith in Him. So, it is daily repreive and struggle to maintain that relationship in early sobriety but the strength and growth I get from Him is incredible.
Hope my experience, strength, and hope helped one person out there. I would love to hear what your peoples experience has been like..
We are all in this together, one love.
Hope my experience, strength, and hope helped one person out there. I would love to hear what your peoples experience has been like..
We are all in this together, one love.
