finding the words

[faithfully dangerous]

finding the words

if i could
place your hand in mine
verbally
with words that could only be replaced by the actual
palm-to-palm,
i wouldn't be struggling with my voice each day.
i wouldn't be aching for the
asphyxation
that i'm so close to giving in to.

if i could
lay you down, right next to me
verbally
with words that could only be replaced by the actual
night-to-day,
i wouldn't be falling asleep hoping to dream.
i wouldn't be yearning for the
night sky
that i seem to have fallen prisoner to.

letters strung together,
like lies-
forming beauty and restlessness and everything
untouchable.
words that only i can allow to escape-
but my lips are pressed tightly
together,
not allowing even a single kiss to permeate through this skin
and
poison my heart.
i'm too busy trying to find these damn words to deal with anything more.

and when i find them,
they'll flow almost
superfluously
from my mouth-
from this river of what's been locked inside,
emptying itself into
your ocean.

any input- positive or negative- is appreciated i will NOT take it personally... this is the first peice i've been able to whip out in a LONG ASS TIME... we're talking months... and i realize it needs work, but i didn't want to mess with it until i posted it here and let it marinate for a few days.

 

[onlysweetpea]

reminds me of another great poem by ellis paul where he uses the phrase 'words of higher wealth'

sometimes, the best things, surpass mere words.

 

[edgewise]

i really enjoyed this

 

[iLoveYouWithaKnife]

thumbs.

dope girlie.

if i could
place your hand in mine
verbally
with words that could only be replaced by the actual
palm-to-palm,
i wouldn't be struggling with my voice each day.
i wouldn't be aching for the
asphyxation
that i'm so close to giving in to.




power.

 

[faithfully dangerous]

sometimes, the best things, surpass mere words.

oh, you have got that right. and once the intial shock of those "best things" passes... this is where it begins. baby steps.

*sigh* he's wonderful. he really really really is.

any suggestions with wording? another word for "allow" (third stansza, used twice very close together) would be nice.... hmmn.

 

[silverwheel]

hmmm...as for "allow to escape" in the third stanza, it might be too soft of a verb, and perhaps 'release' would work as well in its place. Although, "allow to escape" works thematically and rhythmically - I didn't find it jarring. I'd take out the second use of the word and have something stronger in its place, maybe like "blocking" or something.

the openings of your first and second stanzas are wonderful. I'd take out the periods and continue the sentences through the stanza; there's a great flow going on in both, and the periods just chop it up. I think the opening descriptions are strong enough that you can focus on those even more and draw them out with different shades and expressions.

The last stanza has a real gem in it - I love the 'river' thing. Granted, water metaphors are grossly overdone, but having the river come from your mouth is a great twist - it fits the poem perfectly, with images of release contrasting earlier reservation, and reinforces the power of the words emphasized in previous stanzas. The phrase "what's been locked inside" detracts from the image's power - it's just way too simple, so fool around with that for a while and see what you come up with.

Nice job. Hooray for poetry getting unlocked! :D

 

[neverwas]

if i could
lay you down, right next to me
verbally
with words that could only be replaced by the actual
night-to-day,
i wouldn't be falling asleep hoping to dream.
i wouldn't be yearning for the
night sky
that i seem to have fallen prisoner to.

this was beatuifully written...it reminded me of a peice i wrote for a close friend a while ago about... 'if i could only put into words' it takes a lot to put down on paper what u need or want to say...especailly whenit is to and for someone very dear and close.

the emotions i felt through this were what i describe as angelic very beautiful in form and style.

nice work

 

[SnowFrog]

if i could
lay you down, right next to me
verbally
with words that could only be replaced by the actual
night-to-day,
i wouldn't be falling asleep hoping to dream.
i wouldn't be yearning for the
night sky
that i seem to have fallen prisoner to.

perfectly written

~B

 

[raverchik]

i liked this alot