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Finally told my wife. NA is next. Not sure what to expect

Sunkissedirishgirl said:
Hey,

Ive been to lots of different fellowship meetings and I remember how nervous I was. The good news is that they will be really welcoming.

Although you have already gone?if so, let us know how you got on.

Im new to this site. Back on heroin around 7 weeks and cant get a day clean (yet). 5 days is a long time off painkillers. And like you, I get that depression. Like an emptiness that the drugs filled. Infact, I delude myself that I am nicer when on drugs HA
yes, lying in bed depressed, robbing, lying, isolating, what a great person haha

anyway thanks for your post

K
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Yes! I went to my first one last night. I had no idea what to expect. I almost turned the car around four times. I walked in, nervously milled about and felt that at any moment I'd break down. I felt myself choking back tears for seemingly no reason at all. People definitely noticed. These people, these people at this meeting were awesome. Kept hugging me and were so excited that I was there. These people were like me. I felt like I was wrapped in a warm blanket when I was in there. I went up and got my keytag and everyone cheered like I had just won the Super Bowl. There were 25ish people there. It was so comforting to know that they had been where I was. People ranged from being clean a month to 19 years. I didn't bring cash and a woman bought me the NA book, completely unsolicited. I enjoyed after the meeting the most. So many people gave me their number and told me about other meetings in the area and said they'd go with me. Now, as far as the actual program, I'm not sure that I'm completely all in, with their scripted churchlike responses throughout the meeting, but it just felt good to be around these people. It gave me hope that I could be clean 19 years from now.

Now something that a guy told me after the meeting rang true when I left. He said that he, especially early on, would go to multiple meetings a day because when he walked out the doors of the meeting that it felt like all of this weight came crashing back down on him. That's definitely how I felt when I got home and hit that brick wall with my wife. The sense of optimism and energy that was injected into me from the meeting was erased. He said it does get easier though. I sure hope so.
 
ChicagoMike said:
That's good to hear buddy, that you were able to dialogue some his morning. I wish I could. My wife was supportive but cautious the first few days. I went to this meeting last night and came home excited to talk about it only to run into a brick wall with her. She half heartedly asked me about it and was cold. What's messed up is, I'm finally doing the right thing and was so optimistic and that feeling was totally snuffed out. I slept on the couch. Hopefully I can mend this with time. I really don't blame her, I just wish it was different.

And I'm going to try to feel better today with you! I'm off of work today and this was always my favorite time to use, at home by myself earlier in the day. I planned on going for a walk but it's gloomy and rainy. I might crack open this NA book I got last night!
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Mike, same thing with me last night – she came home late, we hardly spoke, and she slept the whole night in my kid's room. I was hurt. Our spouses truly are overwhelmed and struggling –– all because we're finally doing the right thing!! Are you able to sleep? I am having horrible insomnia.

I love your meeting report. Congrats on that. HUGE step, and one I have not taken yet.
 
KraziKat said:
Mike, same thing with me last night – she came home late, we hardly spoke, and she slept the whole night in my kid's room. I was hurt. Our spouses truly are overwhelmed and struggling –– all because we're finally doing the right thing!! Are you able to sleep? I am having horrible insomnia.

I love your meeting report. Congrats on that. HUGE step, and one I have not taken yet.
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Surprisingly sleep hasn't been bad. Takes me a while, but I can fall asleep. Today is day 6, the first like 3 nights I was hammering ZQuill like it was my job. Last night a hot shower a an hour before bed and some camomile tea with some valerian root extract in it did the trick.
 
Hope you're enjoying you day off and perhaps the NA book! Don't know if you smoke cigarettes, but I read Alan Carr's EasyWay to quit smoking and am trying to apply it to my others addictions. It's good stuff. FWIW, I was only smoking 2-3 a day, but quit after reading the book.
 
KraziKat said:
Hope you're enjoying you day off and perhaps the NA book! Don't know if you smoke cigarettes, but I read Alan Carr's EasyWay to quit smoking and am trying to apply it to my others addictions. It's good stuff. FWIW, I was only smoking 2-3 a day, but quit after reading the book.
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I was really feeling fatigued when I woke up, but once I got up and moving I ended up having a great day. Even had a really nice, positive conversation with my wife in which she apologized for ghosting me last night. I don't smoke, thankfully and barely drank before I quit pills. NA also preaches no drinking because it can lead to using. Even though booze was never a problem, I'm going to play along because it's not like I really enjoyed it anyway. I have a lot of weekdays off of work and those mornings and afternoons were my favorite times to pop pills. These will be the hardest days for me, but I got through today okay!
 
Good for you! Sounds like a great day. Just talked to my wife via phone while I'm at work. She had a therapy appointment with an "addiction specialist" to talk about me. And she is demanding a plan. A plan, a plan a plan. FML. I had to hang up and said I can't talk about this. The plan is to not take pain pills anymore. FML
 
KraziKat said:
Good for you! Sounds like a great day. Just talked to my wife via phone while I'm at work. She had a therapy appointment with an "addiction specialist" to talk about me. And she is demanding a plan. A plan, a plan a plan. FML. I had to hang up and said I can't talk about this. The plan is to not take pain pills anymore. FML
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As Wesley Snipes said in White Men Can't Jump, "Always listen to the woman." Lol. I mean, you can't do this on your own, if she's talking with an addiction counselor, it couldn't hurt to check it out. She has your best interests in mind. I gave up trying by myself and dove into NA. Give her thing a try, if you don't like it, say so and look for an alternative.
 
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CM and KK, for what it's worth I am the wife of an opiate addict and educating myself about addiction has literally changed my life. Our marriage is far from fixed but having an above-average understanding of addiction has been so helpful. If your wives are interested, to help themselves and you, I highly recommend​ the works of Maia Szalavitz, Dr. Marc Lewis and Johann Hari to begin with. To say their perspective is enlightening is a tremendous understatement. For an easy start, Marc Lewis has links on his website to several videos of himself speaking on the subject. He also has a book called Memoir of an Addicted Brain as well as The Biology of Desire. Maia Szalavitz wrote Unbroken Brain, among others, and is very active and outspoken about addiction on Twitter. Johann Hari wrote Chasing the Scream and can also be found on Twitter. I'm sure there are many more, I've only recently begun this search for more in-depth information within the last few months.
 
Dunno22 said:
CM and KK, for what it's worth I am the wife of an opiate addict and educating myself about addiction has literally changed my life. Our marriage is far from fixed but having an above-average understanding of addiction has been so helpful. If your wives are interested, to help themselves and you, I highly recommend​ the works of Maia Szalavitz, Dr. Marc Lewis and Johann Hari to begin with. To say their perspective is enlightening is a tremendous understatement. For an easy start, Marc Lewis has links on his website to several videos of himself speaking on the subject. He also has a book called Memoir of an Addicted Brain as well as The Biology of Desire. Maia Szalavitz wrote Unbroken Brain, among others, and is very active and outspoken about addiction on Twitter. Johann Hari wrote Chasing the Scream and can also be found on Twitter. I'm sure there are many more, I've only recently begun this search for more in-depth information within the last few months.
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I ordered the Biology of Desire on Amazon 2 days ago. Now I'm even more excited for it to arrive!
 
Lewis has a phenomenal mind. I wish more people would hear what he has to say.
 
Krazikat, how are things going buddy? I'm doing alright, fought off a really nasty craving yesterday with the help of a quick phone chat with someone I met in NA. I think that's my favorite part of the program. All of my WD symptoms are gone, now I'm just having trouble finding motivation to do stuff.
 
ChicagoMike said:
Krazikat, how are things going buddy? I'm doing alright, fought off a really nasty craving yesterday with the help of a quick phone chat with someone I met in NA. I think that's my favorite part of the program. All of my WD symptoms are gone, now I'm just having trouble finding motivation to do stuff.
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Hi Mike! Sounds like you are doing great. It's a little rough for me at the moment. Yesterday, I felt as though I was having a good day, but then the wife joined me for my therapy session (which I started going to at her insistence the moment I came clean to her and she decided she was going to give me one more chance). It was here that I just felt a bit ganged up on by both she and therapist to come up with a concrete plan of action, which makes me uneasy, and total substance abstinence – which makes me even more uneasy.

We continued to talk about these topics over dinner at a restaurant, while she sipped on her glass of wine, seemingly talking in circles, kind of arguing. My little kids were there and it just sucked.

I wound up going home with crippling anxiety, which turned into horrible insomnia. Nothing could put me to sleep for more. I had NyQuil, Unisom, Valerian root -- I feel like I was up ALL NIGHT. The sleep deprivation is getting to me. I vaped a little weed in the middle of the night which took some of the edge off.

I think part of my problem is the poly-drug use issues. And in order to get through work this week – I'm on a deadline that's extremely stressful – I've been using kratom now daily. Do you have experience with kratom? I've always had it on hand for the days I'd have to go without pills, and now I feel like I'm not truly "not using" as I've turned to it everyday this week. It's effective, which is probably why I'm not writhing at my desk while I type this, but nor am I jonesing for pills or booze. I'm out of it!

Thanks for checking in and keep doing great!! I confided in co-worker who is in AA and he gave me his number and is checking in with me, plus he invited to go to a meeting this weekend. I'm also going to try and go to a Smart Recovery meeting this weekend. The wife keeps regurgitating what she was told, that I need a concrete plan. It's all so overwhelming and I just want to shake this anxiety and insomnia.
 
KraziKat said:
Hi Mike! Sounds like you are doing great. It's a little rough for me at the moment. Yesterday, I felt as though I was having a good day, but then the wife joined me for my therapy session (which I started going to at her insistence the moment I came clean to her and she decided she was going to give me one more chance). It was here that I just felt a bit ganged up on by both she and therapist to come up with a concrete plan of action, which makes me uneasy, and total substance abstinence – which makes me even more uneasy.

We continued to talk about these topics over dinner at a restaurant, while she sipped on her glass of wine, seemingly talking in circles, kind of arguing. My little kids were there and it just sucked.

I wound up going home with crippling anxiety, which turned into horrible insomnia. Nothing could put me to sleep for more. I had NyQuil, Unisom, Valerian root -- I feel like I was up ALL NIGHT. The sleep deprivation is getting to me. I vaped a little weed in the middle of the night which took some of the edge off.

I think part of my problem is the poly-drug use issues. And in order to get through work this week – I'm on a deadline that's extremely stressful – I've been using kratom now daily. Do you have experience with kratom? I've always had it on hand for the days I'd have to go without pills, and now I feel like I'm not truly "not using" as I've turned to it everyday this week. It's effective, which is probably why I'm not writhing at my desk while I type this, but nor am I jonesing for pills or booze. I'm out of it!

Thanks for checking in and keep doing great!! I confided in co-worker who is in AA and he gave me his number and is checking in with me, plus he invited to go to a meeting this weekend. I'm also going to try and go to a Smart Recovery meeting this weekend. The wife keeps regurgitating what she was told, that I need a concrete plan. It's all so overwhelming and I just want to shake this anxiety and insomnia.
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I feel you on the insomnia. Mine's been getting better, but still sucks. I sleep for like 2 hours, wake up for an hour. Sleep for an hour. Wake up, etc. That'll get better for us both. I have not tried Kratom. They made it illegal in Illinois as of April 1st. I hear it's great for treating withdrawal.
 
ChicagoMike said:
I feel you on the insomnia. Mine's been getting better, but still sucks. I sleep for like 2 hours, wake up for an hour. Sleep for an hour. Wake up, etc. That'll get better for us both. I have not tried Kratom. They made it illegal in Illinois as of April 1st. I hear it's great for treating withdrawal.
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It really is great, but I think you're better off without it. For me, I think it's just going to be another substance I'll have to withdraw from. I am only taking it as needed (every day 8)
 
Just remember my man the first step is two parts. Powerlessness in 12 step format can be hard to grasp its not powerless over life its the substance. Inmanageability is second part obviously most people can see this if they go to meetings but see the unmanagement in your life then powerlessness comes after at least for me. Remember addiction all substances is like jelly on a white shirt the more you work it the worst it gets. The more you fight hard with your substance the worse ityll kick your ass AA and NA books both say noobe has won with single handed combat. Addiction is unique in that way you HAVE to surrender to get better. Ive been to rehab twice and 12 years in AA/NA. Plenty of relapses. Im currently just in NA AA folks gave me a hard time bc i have a couple lifelong medical conditions and hirrible chronic pain so i take opiates as prescribed. Its usualky fine but there are tones the beast pokes his head out says take a couple more but i never do. Its all goid. Get in the middle of tge rooms asap and not on the edge. Practice socializing with others like us then take it into the workd. Get lots of numbers. Sometimes sponsers suggest you call like 5 people a day i never did that with my sponsees but if they were shy id pump up the socializing thibg your sponser will suggest things based on your personality and such. Dont listen to all that 90 meetings in 90 days its not a race impirtant tou find a good group and meeting and go all the time let people see you around then their like hey you good to see you makes you feel good and wanted. At the end of my usage i didnt feel wanted by wbyone for anything so that was huge. So PM me if you have any questions its always my respinsibility to help those who want it i love talking recovery. Good luck man one dam day at a time:)
 
Thanks for the kind words and advice Closeau. I am averse to the higher power thing -- was looking into Smart Recover but I'm open to both NA and AA. What is NA's view on kratom? The more I struggle, which is every night, the closer I'm getting to hitting meetings. An AA-active co-worker who I've let in my plight has given me his number and invited me to join him this weekend at a meeting.
 
Well NA seems to be a bit more relaxed than NA but a good sponser prob wont suggest Kratom nc it can be addictive but so is coffee and cigs i get it. Just gotta see i woukdnt be offering up you do Kratom at first man if it helps you Kratom and meetings is more effective than one on its own. Yeah well higher power is just something more powerful than you even anotger person say your idol its not God. I thought id have issues with that too bc i dont believe in God but it was a breeze man like the book says hoop we jump thru with that is wider than you think. Sonething more powerful than you has to bring you thru addictoon withvstrength and willingness man. Its pretty simple yet effective. I woukd go to that meeting its just an hr of your life just sit yhere and shake hands and roll with it dont say shit if you dont wntvto. See the newcomer is tge most important person in 12 step so people with time its their responsibilty to introduce themselvs and make you feel welvvime. Some are good at it and some youll wanna hit, lol. Def go check it out and def a NA meeting with the Keatom. Ive tried Kratom once not all that i think i had red leaf but i was gonna get some for wd next time. Call that dude too and shoot the shit for 10 min youll help him more than he helps you thats how it works trust me ive been on both sides of the coin. Right now im still kinda out here struggling like you. Ill PM you in a bit get a little more detail.
 
How goes it, mike? I actually slept last night and my anxiety has lifted. Fingers crossed it stays this way. I dreamt and everything. Was glorious. Going to hold off as much as I can with regard to kratom dosing, and I'm seeing light for the first time since this whole thing started.

Hope you are doing great. Any more meetings?
 
Hey man. Wrote a long post but i forgot BL logs off after time so it got erased. Yeah went to a meeting this morning i love morning meetings lots of goid people here. Its not clean time its the quality these fks have both. Pretty rad man i coukda relapsed today easy got bad medical news or more bad news i cant take much more man n money, car, hardly any food. Im on disability trying ti get government to pay me warly but their assholes man, lol. What about you im glad you slept insomnias a bitch in earlrecovery especially bc if anxiety. I have chronicinsomnia and anxiety disorder im usually medicated for both but havent had any meds. I average about 6 major panic atracks a day but against the law gete now to prescrible opiates and benzos together. Ih well. Message me later bud hope yoyr day is good
 
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