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Feels Like there is no hope of me ever staying opiate free

watermellon

watermellon

Bluelighter
Joined
May 27, 2011
Messages
207
Location
Binghamton, NY Where the outlook is bleak
I'll Give you guys a history of my of my drug use. I've always had a love of opiates after my first high when I was 14 years old. From then up until I graduated high school vcodin/Percocet and the occasional roxy was my drug of choice, at the most 2 times a week but a lot of the time it was once every 2 weeks or so. Midway through my sr year in hs I got a girlfriend, my opiate use stayed about the same the whole time we were together. I loved having sex when I was high cause I could go forever and my girl loved it. But a year later we were broken up and that's where things went down hill.....fast

Right around the time we broke up I got a sweet roxy hook up so I started doing 30s. At first when I started a single 30 would rock me, It took about 3 weeks before I was pretty much doing it everyday and by then I needed 3 of them. Kept doing them for another couplmonths then my tolerance got up to around 200 mg a day and I said fuck it and switched to snorting dope. The dope was high quality ecp and all I needed was 2 bags for the day. About 2 months later I started shooting and that's where everything went south

I shot up everyday for the next 6 months up to 10-12 bags a day at the end. My family lost all trust in me. I lied, cheated and stole from them to help support my addiction. I'm lucky they cared enough about me not to throw me out of the house. I got on a suboxone program 4 months ago. The first 2 months I still used dope and used sub when I didn't have dope and when I needed to piss in a cup at the dr. I did manage to make it 38 days without doing dope but I relapsed the other day and all I can think about is I'm never going to get this monkey off my back. I only take 2mg of sub a day. Sometimes I think I should just stay on a low dose of sub for the rest of my life. Im feeling pretty hopeless right now guys
 
Well, I don't no much about opiate detox, but you said that you did managed 38 days without dope, that's a huge success, relating to your relaps, nobody is perfect and sometimes we need more than one try to achieve something, but I think that you can manage to stay away from dope, as you managed it for 38 days and you can try to taper off the sub slowly. Something that really helps me to achive things is to hear this motivation speech over and over again ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTFnmsCnr6g ) when you want to get off opiates as bad as you want to breath you will succeed.
All the best <3
 
Thanks man. I'm trying to get my life back in order, I turn 20 in less than a month. I'm currently looking for a job, lost my old one from missing too many days and I signed up for college so that's a start. I don't start till the 2nd semester. My family is starting to trust me a little more now but I fear I wont be able to fight the urge to do dope. Some things are better not experienced in life. I really didn't turn into a junky until I started shooting dope. I at least had some self respect before I started shooting it
 
Looking for a job and sign in for college shows that you want to put your shit together, so you are willing to get away from the dope. I think you should search for a hobby like joggin and every time you have the urge to do dope you go jogging. Jogging releases endorphines so you can get "high" by jogging which is also very healthy, in addition you should start eating healthy food to recover. Just mark of the old you, who would shoot up dope and start a new and better life. With enough willpower you will achieve it !
Best of luck :)
 
I lift weights as a hobby and shoot guns. I just got back into lifting about 2 months ago and have put some muscle back on. I lost about 10 lbs when I was using from not eating right and I pretty much stopped lifting when I was using. I had a nice life, I was athletic, qb for varsity football team but I fucked it all up. One of my real good friends that I was chill with since I was 10 years doesn't talk tome anymore but im working on fixing that
 
"I had a nice life, I was athletic, qb for varsity football team but I fucked it all up." Even if you did fucked it up, anyone should have a secound chance so go for it, this is your secound chance and i know you can accomplish it ! Try to lift weights every time you want to do dope, so you see you can resist it and you even gain muscles from it, in addition eat healthy food and in some time you will become the person you were before your usage. I believe in you :)
 
lift weights every time you want to do dope, so you see you can resist it and you even gain muscles from it
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Nice thinking dude. :) I like the German efficiency, you get shit done !
 
You are not alone. I've been doing oxycodone, hydromorphone, hydros, and morphine more recently for the past 10 or so years. Never had heroin and I steer clear of it. I've been off a couple of times and actually stopped once, but still the beast haunted me. That is until Monday when I ran out of money and decided to try and quit. I had equipped myself with some Clonidine, Gabapentin, Temazepam, Trazodone, a few Lyrica and Tylenol PM. The last dose was Monday and man have I been going through it. I have 3 daughters and I hate for them to see me like that. I need to make a change and get my life back. I lost almost everything messing around with it. As we speak I'm going into day 4 though and although I have been hanging in there I think I might've screwed up today. The headaches were unbearable and I ran out of my Fioricet, but I have a friend that has some so I told her what I was doing and asked for a few. Keep in mind she was one of my biggest suppliers. She gave me some and I immediately took 2. Afterwards I decided to research them just to be sure I was doing a good thing and turns out hers had Codeine when mine didn't! Now I am nervous that tomorrow I'll be worse off than before. I don't want to go back to day one, but the mistake has been made. I've actually dosed again and took 2 more. I'm so scared right now I don't know what to do. Any help out there would be appreciated. Is it going to be as bad as I think??? HELP ME PLEASE. I REALLY WANT TO FINISH THIS AND COME OUT CLEAN ON THE OTHER SIDE. ANYONE???
 
if you like to shoot guns get into hunting in your free time i don't feel like i have to get high when i'm hunting and another plus is you get to eat delicious fresh dead animals
 
I agree with flowers about the concept of staying busy.

The busier you are, the less compelled you may feel to use. This has always helped me when I was getting clean & it still helps today in staying clean. Find something you enjoy doing and stick with it. Also, if you wanted to go the ORT route, you may want to consider an increase in your subs.

You ARE able to become opiate sober. Trust me. Tons of people on the boards from all over the world do it, and people off the boards do it too.

Do you see a therapist? Do you have a good support system?
 
I'd recommend looking into naltrexone in a case like this. It'll stop your cravings and temptations, and help you rebuild some trust with your family. Look into mate.
 
Nice thinking dude. I like the German efficiency, you get shit done !
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Thanks man :D
You are not alone. I've been doing oxycodone, hydromorphone, hydros, and morphine more recently for the past 10 or so years. Never had heroin and I steer clear of it. I've been off a couple of times and actually stopped once, but still the beast haunted me. That is until Monday when I ran out of money and decided to try and quit. I had equipped myself with some Clonidine, Gabapentin, Temazepam, Trazodone, a few Lyrica and Tylenol PM. The last dose was Monday and man have I been going through it. I have 3 daughters and I hate for them to see me like that. I need to make a change and get my life back. I lost almost everything messing around with it. As we speak I'm going into day 4 though and although I have been hanging in there I think I might've screwed up today. The headaches were unbearable and I ran out of my Fioricet, but I have a friend that has some so I told her what I was doing and asked for a few. Keep in mind she was one of my biggest suppliers. She gave me some and I immediately took 2. Afterwards I decided to research them just to be sure I was doing a good thing and turns out hers had Codeine when mine didn't! Now I am nervous that tomorrow I'll be worse off than before. I don't want to go back to day one, but the mistake has been made. I've actually dosed again and took 2 more. I'm so scared right now I don't know what to do. Any help out there would be appreciated. Is it going to be as bad as I think??? HELP ME PLEASE. I REALLY WANT TO FINISH THIS AND COME OUT CLEAN ON THE OTHER SIDE. ANYONE???
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As I said before, I don't know much about opiate detox, but if you took them for 10 years, wouldn't it be better to tapper off than quit cold turkey ? So it wouldn't be that bad that you took Fioricet with some Codeine ? You seem to be really motivatet to detox, so I think you will make it ! Try to stop for you and particularly for the sake of your daughters. You did it once, so you can make it another time, and this time forever! Take your time, as detox from abusing opiates for 10 years isn't going to work from one day to the next. Try to play with your daughters when the beast haunts you, as playing with kids is so much better than taking drugs. All the best ! <3

@ watermellon how's it going ? <3
 
i'd first try to stabilize on your suboxone before you think about trying to become truly opiate-free. i know this sounds corny, but you have to stop thinking about the future and just focus on TODAY. the idea of staying sober for the rest of your life will daunt you and lead you inevitably to relapse.

suboxone is just a temporary band-aide, yah it will decrease the cravings and stave off WD, you will still need to find ways to cope with internal struggles. it doesnt matter what you do, what matters is that you do it. yoga, meditation, praying, journaling, sports, hobbies, AA/NA, religion, music, art ect.. whatever the case maybe, you need to find something that will allow you to be peaceful when you put your head down to rest at night. you need something that will fill the void that opiates have been feeding for the last decade of your life.

good luck, and much love/support,
-laC
 
I want to thank you so much for the reply. I think I needed a boost from somewhere. Honestly the codeine did prolong the symptoms, but not to the point where I was at the beginning. Generally I only had the diarrhea, small anxiety and weakness.... although I think the weakness was due to all the other meds I was taking to kill the sickness. I always had a bit of body discomfort. This week I feel better than I have in a long time! I have been doing lots to keep my mind focused and that really helps. Thank you again for your help!
 
You need to make sober friends...while we are using we surround ourselves with other users that aren't interested in our recovery (also don't try to get a using friend sober...they will get you using faster than you get sober). Lacaster is right. You only need to stay sober that day...if you dwell on the past you get depressed and worried about bad choices you made and the path not travelled. If you think too much about the future you will get anxious and talk yourself into using. If you focus on the choices of that day and that hour you will be more involved in the present. If you make a mistake just do the next right thing....

Know I'm in your corner and relapse isn't the end of the world. Just don't give up.
 
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