• S E X
    L O V E +
    R E L A T I O N S H I P S


    ❤️ Welcome Guest! ❤️


    Posting Guidelines Bluelight Rules
  • SLR Moderators: Senior Staff

feeling upset/down after a date not going well

P

psytaco

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 20, 2005
Messages
1,673
Location
Melbourne, Aus
I'll give you guys a bit of background. I made out with a pretty hot blonde aussie girl last weekend and got her number.

We had a date last night.

it didn't go badly, we went to a bar in the city and we chatted with no awkwardness for about two hours and she had a couple of wines. We then tried to go to section 8 and rooftop but the lines were ridiculous. She ended up saying that she would just catch the train home (she lives in Glen waverly) as she had to go to work at 8 in the monring.

I didn't feel that the date ended on a good vibe. i just got a quick peck on the lips to say goodbye. And I asked if he she wanted to do it again she said "maybe. You have my number". Anyway, the vibe I got was that was probably a no.

now to be honest, I wasn't particularly excited about the date to begin with and I think on an intellectual level we didn't really gel. So the fact that it probably won't turn into another date shouldn't bother me. Yet I was really upset about it.

Does anyone else feel this way or has felt this way after a date not going as well as you would have hoped?

In the past I would get kind of down if a date didn't go as well as I hoped. But last night was particularly bad in relation to my negative feelings afterwards.

I haven't been a good place mentally for months. I don't like being single at all and even though my ex hurt me immensely, I still do miss her companionship alot. I'm definately not over her. trying to get work lined up for next year seems to be going nowhere and it is really starting to stress me out. Added to this since my ex left I have lost 12kg, I am always fatigued and suffer really bad insomnia (treated with sleeping pills - but I need to take alot to sleep).

In the past, if I had problems she was always there for me. She was like a best friend and a confident. She would always put things into perspective for me and make me feel better. Not only is she gone now and can't do that for me, but whenever I think of her (which is alot), I am always struck with how she cheated on me and left me.

Do you guys know what the best way forward is? Should I just keep dating and hope that I meet someone who I really click with? I really don't have much problem attracting women, sleeping with them or going on dates with them. But I want something more than this. Just sleeping with women is making me feel pretty empty.

i think in alot of ways I am coping with the break up well. But I am still in alot of pain from it and I worry that I am going to feel this way for a long time yet.
 
Oh psytaco I'm on my phone and can't really post as much as I'd like to. I've had those dates that didn't really go all that well. It's super hard when you're trying hard to get over someone but I do think you have to do some horrible dates to find a good one. It doesn't make it suck any less but it's the right direction.
 
I noticed that after my ex and I broke up I would also get much more upset than I normally would when dates didn't go great. I think it's because the feelings of rejection you get after a break-up, especially if you were cheated on (as was I) just amplify those you'll get if the date doesn't seem to like you that much. I know I had ridiculously low self-confidence for a few months afterwards (still haven't completely healed from that and it's been like, 8 months) so if someone turned me down, not even for a date but even just to sleep with me, I would take it as a personal insult and strong judgement of who I am when chances are they really didn't mean it so powerfully at all.

If you're aware that you still have strong feelings for your ex I would really recommend you to step away from the dating scene for a bit, and from casual sex as well if it's making you feel worse. It sounds cliché but you do need to focus on yourself, concentrate on getting your own life back in order. Once you're over her it'll make meeting new women so much easier.
 
Lysis said:
Oh psytaco I'm on my phone and can't really post as much as I'd like to. I've had those dates that didn't really go all that well. It's super hard when you're trying hard to get over someone but I do think you have to do some horrible dates to find a good one. It doesn't make it suck any less but it's the right direction.
Click to expand...

Yeah I think I'll just keep trying. Its better than sitting around and feeling depressed and lonely. Dating is just such a pain in the arse. You have to search through alot of crap before you find someone you dig. I would settle for a casual relationship with a girl that I am attracted too and is cool to talk to at the moment. I guess all I have to do is keep putting myself out there.

Pagey: You do have a good point, but in alot of ways I have been focusing on myself, in terms of career and catching up with friends. I kind of feel that I should be making opportunities to meet other women at the moment because 1) I am feeling pretty lonely and 2) I think it will help me get over her. Ruminating about her and the relationship really isn't doing me any good. All the thinking about it and even talking to her about it doesn't change what happened nor that we are not together anymore.
 
In my humble opinion, if you're not "in a good place mentally," you should probably not be dating right now. You're probably projecting that and scaring women away. You're not putting the real you out there! Give yourself time to get over your ex. Good luck!
 
^^ Concisely put. I honestly think you're looking for satisfaction in all the wrong places, psy... You're expecting a partner to fill the void in you that cannot attain happiness on its own. IMO, that's pretty self-serving and rather lazy - using women to assuage your own emotional inadequacies. I think you're still so hurt that you are stubbornly refusing to learn the lessons that last relationship brought to light for you: namely, to stop relying on the presence of a partner as a means to being happy in life...this can put seriously undue pressure on that person (I've been that 'sole source of fulfilment' in a person's life before, and having someone invest so much of their longevity primarily in being with you is a very emotionally draining, guilted and stifling experience - a partner should serve to complement your sense of satisfaction in life, not be solely responsible in providing it) and ultimately causes them to 'act out' by finding ways in which they can both relinquish this burden of responsibility & reclaim their sense of freedom (and yes this includes committing extreme acts such as cheating, for some people)...

You're going to get a repeat of this situation if you do not learn to be happy on your own. I also think you are well aware of this, but your pain is stopping you from being able to assume a position of power after all that so suddenly happened during the split. Pain can make you stronger if you are to work through it properly, instead of looking for a quick fix (realistically, having another woman in the picture right now is not likely going to make it any simpler to work through your pre-existing women issues, lol).... As I have said to you before - like it or not - the only thing that can heal what you've been through is soul-searching which comes about with nothing other than the passage of due time. Accept this, work with it, and work proactively towards becoming a strong & self-assured individual who will attract the right kinds of women without even having to try. You've received plenty of advice since the break-up to a similar effect, I really do hope you can muster the self-belief required to start integrating these ideas into your own forward-thinking <3
 
Last edited:
I had this happen to me, Pagey and hyroller are right. Focus on you and everything will fall into place.

My personal experience:You should be celebrated as a unique person! You don't want to be hindered in a relationship. Focus on you and what you love to do...it becomes what someone loves about you and makes you able to love as well. If you cannot love yourself first, you will rely on the love of another person and when that person is gone, you are shit out of luck. You should be happy with yourself and make life what you want it to be and people will be attracted to that.

I was in a relationship of over 2 years, I lost myself. I gained weight, I stopped DJing (my passion), sex was bad, etc etc but I loved him (or so I thought). He broke up with me and although it was hard, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I focused on ME and everything fell into place despite me feeling worthless, unwanted, depressed for a couple of months. I started working out and lost 30 poounds, I started my music again, etc. By just doing the things I wanted and loved, I started meeting people easily! Now I have a boyfriend who loves all my quirks and loves that I have a huge passion for something (music).

Good luck and things will work out, patience is your friend! :)
 
Yeah, I've had it happen a few times.


Went on a date recently and girl pretended to enjoy it, I left feeling happy until the next day when I thought to myself "girl was walking pretty fast the whole time..." and "damn, she didn't like me enough for a kiss?" She pretended to be all in verbally, but physically shit was not there, she wasn't letting it be there, and basically led me on. This was the worst date I've ever been on because in the rest of my experiences, you get an idea pretty quickly as to whether or not your date likes you or not.

Bitch was a little overweight, not particularly pretty, and not somebody I would have asked out on my own (another blind date situation), but being led on for two weeks as she said "call me next weekend" a couple times before completely ignoring me stung. I think the rejection from somebody I consider below me stung, as well.

Sometimes, for whatever reason, some rejections really sting, even if a hundred greater rejections don't. Sometimes it is lack of communication/other person being a total pussy, sometimes it is the fact that a person gets your expectations up (you mentioned having previously made out with her) before letting you down, that makes it sting. Basically, it won't sting if you keep your guard up and remain realistic about the numbers game that is dating, but obviously some individuals/situations will make this impossible.
 
the last date i was on man, bad. Was un-aware the girl was an addict (As i was also at the time) that couldnt handle herself. she ended up nodding off at the movie theater lol
you just gotta brush it off and keep going. Like someone above said, takes many bad dates to find good ones, and those bad ones make the good ones look so much better..if you can understand that fuckin gibberish i just wrote haha
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top