feeling terrible about getting back on subutex

[bigzip44]

I'm 29 and I've been addicted to opiates since I was 18. I was on 16-32 mg of subutex for a long time and in the last few years, I successfully got off of it after multiple morphine titrations and horrific ibogaine sessions (I did this like 7 or 8 times, no joke). Now, I'm back dealing with the same depression, anxiety, and cravings that led to me get on subutex in the first place and I'm seriously considering getting back on it, as I, once again, have gotten addicted to morphine (someone in my family takes it and it's constantly available- the same morphine I used to get off subs).

Basically, having my one foot in the door of addiction and the other out, being in this constant state of withdrawal while trying to be clean is just killing me, emotionally, physically, everything. I recently ALSO got off the 4 milligrams of klonopin that I'd been on for years but I can't seem to figure out how the fuck to stay off of opiates, esp when they're so fucking available. I guess what I'm hoping to see is if anyone has found themselves in the position where they've successfully gotten off subutex or methadone, and while knowing how incredibly difficult it is to get off and how hard you worked to do that, have had to get back on it. I'm dealing with a lot of guilt, regret, pain and shame, thinking about the fact that I may need to get back on it and I'm really not sure what to do. I hope someone out there can relate or give me some advice about what they did.

Thanks people.

 

[kleinerkiffer]

I think this is more suited for The Dark Side, so I'm going to move it. If you want it moved back to Other Drugs or have a question feel free to PM me
And good luck man!

 

[mrsnowygrainius]

well Ive been on sub maintenance (8mg) for a few years now and do have experience coming off of it. Towards the end of the first year I was on it, my doctor weened me down VERY slowly and i successfully came off of it. However, life became very depressing and I was having horrible ahenedonia (correct my spelling). I went back to doing dope a couple weeks after I got down to 0mgs.

I went back on subs after that relapse for another year, then did the same thing, got weened down VERY slowly, and ultimately ended up in the same spot. Getting properly off the subs then went back to dope. Me personally, I have come to accept my fate, I am a slave. So yet again I went back on subs, this all was 4 years ago.

I have given up, surrendered to the opiates. I will stay on susboxone indefinitely. Heres the thing, i have come off of sub maintenance twice and I could not stand living, I was miserable, hated everything, no pleasure from anything... what kind of life is that? yes I know people say "oh you don't know anything, you need to give it more time.." yes in a way thats true...

but how much time to be miserable? PAWS lasts years... what is the point of being miserable for so fucking long and waiting for your brain to "recover" just to say you are clean? seriously anybody out there answer me that

Nowadays I am content living on suboxone. I don't use dope anymore, it settles my cravings and most importantly it allows me to live a normal life which is what I have wanted for so long.

OP you do what makes you happy. I felt guilty about going back on subs also, but in the end its better than hating every second of life.My advice since you asked would be to go back on the subs, at least then you won't be using your DOC and getting dope sick all the time. Ignore any judgements people around you in your life may give you for this decision, its not theirs to make. Again do what will make you content and free from active addiction

 

[herbavore]

I'm dealing with a lot of guilt, regret, pain and shame, thinking about the fact that I may need to get back on it and I'm really not sure what to do.

Keep a clear head and don't let those self-defeating thoughts of guilt and shame have anything at all to do with your decisions. The fact that you are still dealing with depression and anxiety is bound to drive you back to something that worked before, albeit imperfectly. Still, with all you went through to beat these dependencies before I can imagine that you are understandably worried about getting back on the same train. My question for you is what have you done to try to repair your life? Where does the depression come from? Anxiety is something that I have dealt with quite a bit in my life (and found many non-drug ways to lessen it) but I don't really have much experience with depression; what little experience I do have showed me what a formidable foe it really is. So, my heart goes out to you.

The most important thing now while you are struggling not to fall back into full on addiction is to have compassion for yourself. You made desperate choices and those choices led to unhealthy consequences. There is no shame in that. We all look for the quickest ways out of pain. The problem only lies in the fact that drugs always end up compounding the pain when they are used to mask it. There are many people here that have successfully gotten off methadone and/or subs and I hope that you will get specific support for that. Right now you have to deal with withstanding the temptation to take the morphine.

 

[bigzip44]

Hey, I appreciate what you said - I'm feeling like I'm in a pretty dark place that has no exit and it is nice to know other people have been there and moved forward, despite having to make nearly impossible sacrifices, just like you said, to "feel normal". Fuck I hope something works.

 

[bigzip44]

Nowadays I am content living on suboxone. I don't use dope anymore, it settles my cravings and most importantly it allows me to live a normal life which is what I have wanted for so long.

Hey thanks for what you said. Can I ask you, what's life like now? Last time I was on subs I maxed out the dose, got on benzos and maxed those out as much as I could and did uppers to stay awake because I was on so much bupe. I want to do it like you're saying: 8 mg and have a normal, functional life for once free of anhedonia and misery but also able to stay awake and have some kind of existence outside of a nod. So, can you expand if you have a second? How do you feel now as opposed to how did you feel when you were battling to be off opiates to no avail, in that back and forth boomerang of self-loathing and the desire to achieve some sort of abstract happiness that it seems some people can achieve. Do you know what I mean by that?

Anyone else that can contribute, please do. This is really helping me figure this out. I appreciate you guys taking the time to talk about this with me. Means a lot.

 

[Moreaux]

but how much time to be miserable? PAWS lasts years... what is the point of being miserable for so fucking long and waiting for your brain to "recover" just to say you are clean? seriously anybody out there answer me that

Before I respond specifically to your statement let me say that how people get clean/stay clean is very personal, and I am not one to judge. If remaining on maintenance therapy is what works best for someone and they can be both happy and productive, then kudos!

Regarding your statement mesnowygrainius, I am one of those people bound and determined to get off all substances, though my issues were primarily with benzos and booze, I had kicked opiates years ago. After 17 years on booze and 10 years on benzos, I quit both cold turkey at rehab and went through benzo PAWS for several years. I was miserable, and suicidal for two of those years.

To find happiness I had to completely restructure my life and interests. I had to put in a lot of effort in resolving my mental health issues. It was hard, it was painful, and it lasted so long but coming out on the other side I have to say it was worth it. If I had to do it all over again I would.

However, when I was cut off from benzos I had no idea about PAWS, or that PAWS could last so long so I was in the dark regarding the whole process. I thought it was just me unmedicated which forced me to work on the mental health aspects aaa I didn't want to spend the rest of my life feeling so horrible. In the end it worked out.


@bigzip44 - please don't get down on yourself for getting back on maintenance. Everybody is different, and everybody's recovery is different. You have to do what's best for you and your health. You are so much more than your addiction. Be comforted by the fact that you are actively working to get healthy. Negative thoughts will just make you sicker. Good luck!

 

[bigzip44]

Thanks for that. Also good to note that some people do come out the other side. I'm currently in the midst of that awful bento PAWS you refer to. Yuck. And on top of that I'm obviously battling the opiate demons. Anyway, thanks.

 

[Moreaux]

Thanks for that. Also good to note that some people do come out the other side. I'm currently in the midst of that awful bento PAWS you refer to. Yuck. And on top of that I'm obviously battling the opiate demons. Anyway, thanks.

When I was going through PAWS I found that eating clean, exercise, and adequate sleep significantly helped. I know you probably don't feel like it, but try going outside for a walk, in the sunshine, for an hour a day. Make sure at least 35% of your calories come from protien. I recommend getting the calorie counting app Myfitnesspal. It lets you log everything you eat and you can track nutrients.

Get a high quality vitamin B complex suppliment - Garden of Life organic suppliments are very good. I would also recommend taking 200mg - 400mg magnesium before going to bed, along with 1mg melatonin. I would check a medication interaction guide to make sure it's safe with other meds that you're taking, but you may also want to incorporate 200mg of 5-htp into the bedtime mix as well. It's a serotonin precursor and should help lift your moods. It does interact with SSRIs and MAOIs, so don't take it if your are taking one of those.

Meditation and yoga really helps with the anxiety. Lemon Balm and chamomile tea, along with valerian root also help. Sorry for all the ridiculously long posts. If I think of anything else I'll yet you know. Good luck!

 

[Screaming_Skull]

IMO, go on it there is nothing to feel bad about...the nodding when you maxed out your Sub dose was probly not from the subs, but the benzo's you were taking with. Don't quit benzos cold turkey if you are on them now, it can kill you. But really bupe has a ceiling effect, I don't see a reason to be on over 12mg(unless your habbit is so big you need more). Go back on it, nothing to feel bad about.

 

[Drew 87]

I'm on 3 mg of sub for pain management and relapse prevention for abt a year now. Don't want to be on it either but I know it's better than other narcotics.

You could do a minimal dose of subs for 5-21 days, to get past the worst of the morphine WD. You wouldn't even need a real taper, most likely, and this is how subs work best in my experience. I've done 10 days, 3 and 6 weeks before...ended up wo real WD each time, and got 10 years completely "clean" (didn't use and didn't take any prescription medicine) before chronic pain issues got out of control, and needed to go on maintenance. If you do need to be on something long term, even 1 or 2mg a day is often enough to take away PAWS. They put me on 16 mg but I had myself down to 3mg in a week.

 

[Zolasleft]

Nothing to feel bad about..if subs make it easier to manage life then go for it. I had a big 3 year oxy habit that I couldn't support anymore and I went to a methadone clinic...it basiclly saved me from the inevitable. After 5 years something clicked and I said enough and I started to taper from 99mgs all the eat down to 1mg over a 2 year period...rough 2 months when I kicked even at 1mg....I stayed clean for a year and a half....should of done some counseling but I didnt.

Inevitably I got back on the oxys then subs off the street to maintain..then a year later something clicked...I was done with this shit and Cold turkeyed off a tiny bit of sub...it still hurt for a while..again no counseling.

And here we are today....I'm on day 3 of a mild 6 month oxy CT kick. Of course I'm telling myself this is the last time but deep down I know it probably isnt...even with finally going to counseling. I'm rambling but if subs(f those things) give your life some stability and your getting them legal don't be embarrassed or ashamed....this is a beast we are dealing with....anyways good luck friend.