PsychonautRyan
Bluelighter
I've made it off of Adderall for three weeks now, and I guess I have a few questions. The first few days were horrible, the first two weeks were only moderately better, but for the most part, I'm mostly recovered, my appetite has still rebounded quite a bit though. I feel INCREDIBLE, as I'm liberated from social anxiety, self-conscientiousness and general nervousness that amphetamines induce, though I have ideas of reference occasionally (feeling like people in a room are judging and scorning me, as they're walking by, thinking that all of my actions are being scrutinized, etc.), I know that these are false and bizarre, and can easily block them out with each passing day.
I feel like a socially-awkward robot sometimes as well, but as above, I feel like this will pass as well, but it feels like social goals that were insurmountable are once again within reach - having a circle of friends, a girlfriend and getting laid regularly. For the most part I'm starting to feel like myself again, which is great, but the reason I say for the most part is because I can't quite get past this feeling like a part of me is missing, and it's inexplicable and can't be quantified, but like this nagging feeling like a part of me is lost, possibly forever.
My first question is: does this ever go away? Can somebody offer a time-frame for when I can expect to feel totally 'like myself'?
Going on a tangent, my study habits on Adderall were shitty, I was wanting to get back to that honeymoon phase of starting the medication, but basically here it is in essence:
1. Take Adderall with a cup of coffee.
2. Load something online I'm interested in (a World War II documentary, articles on Scientific American, Popular Mechanics or Western philosophy, play chess or strategize my next move in Risk, listen to music, etc.)
3. After 20 or 30 minutes, feel a burst in energy, motivation and happiness.
4. Expect to magically transport myself to studying schoolwork, as if the amphetamines will suppress my free will and I'll start working on a whim.
5. Repeat Step One.
6. Repeat Step Two.
7. Fall and become immersed in Step Two on a euphoric, hyper-focused state of mind, and lose track of time.
8. Crash from the Adderall a few hours later, feeling pissed off at myself for not getting my ass off the Internet.
Basically, I started every study session with this methodology in mind, hopeful that it would somehow work, but being self-loathing. Anyway, I've discovered that with only caffeine, the problem is ME, and I just have to force myself to study, and I had never realized this at all on Adderall (wonderful meta-cognition!).
The catch-22 I'm in right now is that I have a Calculus test to make-up, as well as another one a week from this Monday, an Intermediate Algebra test tomorrow noon, and two essays for Comp II, , my next question is: vowing to restrict my Adderall usage to two or three days of the week, can I effectively discipline myself knowing what I know now, to tackle all of the above, and then go right back to abstaining from Adderall so that anxiety can resume dwindling away, or will I just relapse back into that vicious cycle and fuck myself over even worse than I am right now?
Also, will psychedelics, benzodiazepines and kava kava allow me to ease the anxiety, as well as gaining insight with the first one, or will it just worsen it as I'd be using it for a crutch?
I see my therapist on Tuesday, and I should set up an appointment with my psychiatrist within the next two weeks, what are my options for pharmacotherapy, particularly antidepressants, and do you recommend them?
I guess the million-dollar question is, with my newfound clarity and lucid insight into my Adderall habit, can I effectively use it, no more than two or three times a week, knowing that I've gained effective motivation and study-habits, and when my anxiety is better-managed?
(Also, please reply only if you've read my full post, practically a partial auto-biography, but I appreciate all advice
Thanks!)
I feel like a socially-awkward robot sometimes as well, but as above, I feel like this will pass as well, but it feels like social goals that were insurmountable are once again within reach - having a circle of friends, a girlfriend and getting laid regularly. For the most part I'm starting to feel like myself again, which is great, but the reason I say for the most part is because I can't quite get past this feeling like a part of me is missing, and it's inexplicable and can't be quantified, but like this nagging feeling like a part of me is lost, possibly forever.
My first question is: does this ever go away? Can somebody offer a time-frame for when I can expect to feel totally 'like myself'?
Going on a tangent, my study habits on Adderall were shitty, I was wanting to get back to that honeymoon phase of starting the medication, but basically here it is in essence:
1. Take Adderall with a cup of coffee.
2. Load something online I'm interested in (a World War II documentary, articles on Scientific American, Popular Mechanics or Western philosophy, play chess or strategize my next move in Risk, listen to music, etc.)
3. After 20 or 30 minutes, feel a burst in energy, motivation and happiness.
4. Expect to magically transport myself to studying schoolwork, as if the amphetamines will suppress my free will and I'll start working on a whim.
5. Repeat Step One.
6. Repeat Step Two.
7. Fall and become immersed in Step Two on a euphoric, hyper-focused state of mind, and lose track of time.
8. Crash from the Adderall a few hours later, feeling pissed off at myself for not getting my ass off the Internet.
Basically, I started every study session with this methodology in mind, hopeful that it would somehow work, but being self-loathing. Anyway, I've discovered that with only caffeine, the problem is ME, and I just have to force myself to study, and I had never realized this at all on Adderall (wonderful meta-cognition!).
The catch-22 I'm in right now is that I have a Calculus test to make-up, as well as another one a week from this Monday, an Intermediate Algebra test tomorrow noon, and two essays for Comp II, , my next question is: vowing to restrict my Adderall usage to two or three days of the week, can I effectively discipline myself knowing what I know now, to tackle all of the above, and then go right back to abstaining from Adderall so that anxiety can resume dwindling away, or will I just relapse back into that vicious cycle and fuck myself over even worse than I am right now?
Also, will psychedelics, benzodiazepines and kava kava allow me to ease the anxiety, as well as gaining insight with the first one, or will it just worsen it as I'd be using it for a crutch?
I see my therapist on Tuesday, and I should set up an appointment with my psychiatrist within the next two weeks, what are my options for pharmacotherapy, particularly antidepressants, and do you recommend them?
I guess the million-dollar question is, with my newfound clarity and lucid insight into my Adderall habit, can I effectively use it, no more than two or three times a week, knowing that I've gained effective motivation and study-habits, and when my anxiety is better-managed?
(Also, please reply only if you've read my full post, practically a partial auto-biography, but I appreciate all advice
Thanks!)
