Feeling guilty but want to use

[thesoundofmotion]

For about the last 7-8 years (I am 23) I loved dabbling with opiates here and there but they eventually became a problem. I wasn't fully hooked to them but I was using them everyday for a while and was just stuck in a bad routine.

I would use small amounts of oxycodone. That is what I derived pleasure from.

Now I still take klonopin daily and that is a drug I've had a serious problem with for about four years now. I've tapered my dose down from 4mg to 2.5mg daily.

So the thing is I've been opiate free for about three months now I'd say and I just feel like using again. I love that opiate feeling and just want to take a 30mg roxy and that is it. I don't want to be using everyday again.

It is a weird bind to be in. I know the stuff isn't good for me but I would still like to take them here and there.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

This looks like it belongs in The Dark Side, so I'm moving it there.

 

[RedBaron]

I feel ya my man, it's a struggle for almost everyone that has tried opiates, even once. It just feels too good. In the name of HR though, I would advise against that. The longer you never touch it, the less you'll crave it (hopefully).
You could just take that one roxy and be satiated, or you could begin to lose mental control and want more and more. I've definitely gone through phases where I look back afterwards and think "Damn! I can't believe I was convincing myself to do all that!", but i wouldn't realize it until after. During use I would just think "more oxyyyy". I have little self-control when drugs are in front of me .
After 3 months, you should be craving it. And with 7-8 years of past history, that's not much of a break from opiates.
And good for you with the benzo tapering, that's a tough nut to crack.

 

[Georgie25]

General rule of thumb is if you've been addicted in the past and think you can suddenly start chipping here and there after only 3 months clean, it's pretty likely you'll end up addicted again.

 

[Nibblez]

It's a temporary fix with significantly diminishing returns. Plus, it will ruin your life. Doesn't sound like a good idea to me to use again.

 

[Legerity]

It's pretty common to have fond memories of past drug use and to think that it's possible to try it again just once or occasionally. And sure some people can do that. But I'd say opiates are probably the least likely drug for somebody to moderate after becoming dependent on them, I'm not sure I've really ever met anybody that has done so.

So even if you ARE able to only use it once, is it worth it? Is it worth having to fight any urges that might come after? Is it worth the risk of falling into your previous pattern of use?

 

[.Lucid.]

chipping sucks anyway man.. even if you dont become physically dependent again you still get locked into a cycle of highs and lows. ive been using about every week for a month and a half now.. before that was i was clean for almost three years. i dunno, i just think its an all or nothing type drug. id rather be totally clean or use all the time cause being stuck in the middle just sucks. totally not worth it. thats how i feel anyway.

 

[Uber_Penguin]

I've heard so, so many people before say (sorry to say myself included) "I'll just use it the one time..." or "I'll only use ____ amount, no more". That then becomes "Well it's cool, I'm not really addicted, so I can use just one more time." or "I'll use because of _____, but once that's over with I'm done". This then of course escalates to "I really need to stop, I'll stop in ______ (period of time)" or "Once this batch is done I'm done". We all know where it usually goes from there, before you even realize it your straight up out of every monetary resource you have and back in the same old pit of addiction that you had to pull yourself out of before, and unfortunately when you have all that shit to deal with and you're in the habit of using again it certainly isn't anywhere close to easier to stay away...

Unfortunately, it's like I someone else on BL once said, when it comes to addiction there's no such thing as having enough, it's never ever enough, and realizing that is beneficial. It'll probably be a cold day in hell before someone with a serious addiction is sitting there taking a hit and all of a sudden their face lights up and they say "Well damn, I guess I must have finally done enough, I don't have any desire to do this ever again!"...that shit unfortunately just doesn't happen, at least for 99% of addicts. Then again I'm saying all this, and another thing that's true for most drug users is that the decision ends up being pretty much entirely theirs; what we say probably will have little impact on the actual decision.

Anyways, long story short, the ugly truth is that no matter how it feels giving in to urges isn't going to make them go away for the most part. If you're going to relapse my advice would be to at least go into it without any denial on your part regarding the very high likelihood that you're going to fall back into habitual use again. At least when you're fully aware that there's a good chance you'll have an issue you'll be more likely to see it coming, and in a best case scenario head it off before it gets very, very bad, and in a worst case scenario at least gain some perspective for the future so that after you make it out you'll be all the wiser. Nothing will come from denial about it, it'll only make it so that you're even deeper in before realizing how bad the situation has become.

 

[MLBx503xTAT]

General rule of thumb is if you've been addicted in the past and think you can suddenly start chipping here and there after only 3 months clean, it's pretty likely you'll end up addicted again.

In all my experiences, this is what happens... ive been struggling with opiates for the past 5 years, i managed to get 1.5 years clean off of heroin and oxycontin... unfortunatly i made the fateful mistake of trying a roxicodone pill down here in miami and i was sprung again... fortunately my life didnt spiral out of control like it did before but im still struggling... I'm on MMT and trying to keep that under control... good luck to you man! and in the spirit of HR dont try and fool yourself into thinking you can because if you've ever had a problem, most likely you will get strung out on them again...