Feeling guilty about using opiates?

[teological]

Hey guys, I have recently started to feel a little guilty about using opiates.

I sometimes read how morphine is regarded as the best painkiller ever and is given to patients that are basically dying. It is given to people in great pain and people in car wrecks, people going through chemotherapy etc.

I only feel this guilt while sober. Once the initial rush hits me, I realize that I DO NEED this.

I just feel guilty for using when I am in no physical pain, and other people are administered the very same drug that are dying.

Anyone else feel this?

How about psychological pain vs physical pain? Would using morphine be justified if one is in great psychological pain, and opiates relieve that?

I had a very tough childhood and still have re-occurring thoughts about problems from my past to this day. Even before I found opiates I had these issues. When I discovered opiates, I discovered a warm cave to mellow into (I refuse to take SSRI's, "partly" because of my psychotic symptoms I sometimes get, that my GP does not know about, nor will I tell him because they are very very rare and only occur with use of cannabis or extreme sleep deprivation).

Is my use justified like a physical pain patients?

Please discuss.

 

[aussie101]

I know exactly how you feel. I used to feign pain to get my opiates all the time, of course the rush was always worth it. But the following guilt associated with the fact i was taking pain medication to get high and comfortably numb i think is normal - i got this all the time thinking about others in the worse situations to me. I was abusing oxys and morphine meant for people in pain, but ironically i needed them recently to get clean.

I was on methadone due to my opiate habit. I got sick of being on methadone so transitioned to high doses of oxys and morphine for about 10 days or so then used a short suboxone taper followed by benzos to clean up.

I don't feel any guilt about it now though because I am clean now!!

 

[Tiesto]

Only time I feel guilty about using opiates is when my parents ask me if "im done for good" with them, and then i go out and use. The whole thing about people dying that need to use these drugs don't cross my mind.

 

[oped47]

yeah ive kinda thought that, especially when my friend was given a bunch of dilaudud from a dying cancer patient. But honestly I find life so painfully boring sometimes and that deppresses the fuck out of me. It also makes me angry to think that our natural state is so... dull. I just wish I was in a state of euphoria all the time. The only thing keeping me from doing opiates all day everyday is tolerance build up and of course health effects.

 

[FnX]

Hey guys, I have recently started to feel a little guilty about using opiates.

I sometimes read how morphine is regarded as the best painkiller ever and is given to patients that are basically dying. It is given to people in great pain and people in car wrecks, people going through chemotherapy etc.

I only feel this guilt while sober. Once the initial rush hits me, I realize that I DO NEED this.

I just feel guilty for using when I am in no physical pain, and other people are administered the very same drug that are dying.

I think the core of this issue lies in the words "...is given to (dying people)"

What right do others have to dictate what one puts in their body if doing no harm to others? It's not like we have a limited supply of morphine and only the ones with other foot in the grave deserve to get it... I do believe they should have priority, but come on, it's not like one day the pharmacist is going to just say "oh sorry I can't fill your script for painkillers because all the poppies get used for recreational purposes".

Would you feel guilty about using psilocybe mushrooms if they were legal but only as a medical relief for terminal cancer patients?

Also, some doctors in the USA have prescribed low dose opiates for severe depression, so I've heard/read.

 

[teological]

FnX, good point about the limited supply. That thought also crossed my mind and does make sense. I see I am not the only one and that I do sound rational.

I was at a hospital visiting a friend and was in the area where the patients don't leave and are waiting death (pallative, I think it is called). I was reading the signs and information posted up on the walls, and a majority were about opiates. I felt like pure shit...I think this triggered it but was always there, like I have always been against obtaining pills off of pain patients that sell them.

Tiesto, I know exactly what you mean about the parents, I can not look them in the eyes along with my croaky voice, try to avoid them as much as possible whilst blasted.

Oped47, life is boring for me as well, and at times I am very suicidal. It is a fact for me that the opiates have warded off suicidal thinking numerous times, to the point where I forget that I was even suicidal an hour ago, looking at my gun collection. (I am not a daily user either). The next day I am normal, and it takes a while for suicide thinking to come back.

Do you guys think psychological pain is same as physical, and that people with psychological problems have a right to use? Not to take things away from the perfectly fine people who use purely for fun...if I had a choice I would use cannabis as my fun drug, but I start to hear voices after a few days of use, and my inner thinking/voice becomes so loud and it can lead to very bad trips, so I stay away. Opiates don't have this effect.

 

[TheLostBoys]

I dont feel guilty at all.........I mean, I do have back problems & I am prescribed certain pain meds. Its a shame that doctors cant hand out better pain meds thanks to the DEA. A lot of people suffer from pain & they have to self medicate because their doctor wont prescribe anything worth while. I think the whole system is f***ed up.

Of course the people dying will get the best pain meds. My father was receiving morphine through IV & Fentanyl through IV in his last month before he passed away. I didnt feel guilty because I use pain meds & my parents knew ive used pain meds for legitimate reasons.

I for one wont look down on anyone using pain meds to self medicate because we dont know what kind of problems each one of us actually has, like psychologically, physically, etc..............

 

[SarahU]

I couldn't deal with the side effects of using, so I quit. But I never felt bad about using them. I'm glad that they are there, in case I really need them.

 

[Blind Melon]

No, I have never, and will never feel guilty about my opiate usage. Should a diabetic feel guilty for taking their insulin? There is no shortage of opiates in this world. To the OP, the morphine you are using is not coming out of some poor cancer patients IV bag (most likely). End drug prohibition and the drug money stops funding terrorists, the theft of painkillers will go waaaaaay down (along with the cost), and of course the quality/purity will improve, drastically reducing accidental ODs.... No, the government should feel guilty for handing the drug industry to organized crime on a silver-fucking-platter.

EDIT: I do feel guilty about my families abandonded hopes and dreams for me. I was supposed to be a big achiever, now their greatest hope is that I live to be 30.

(If it was just me, I'd never stop. I'm in love with them. But I feel compelled to try my hardest for my family).

I guess I am a little conflicted. But dammit, if they were legal I could so be a functioning addict!

 

[Tryptamine*Dreamer]

I never have felt any guilt or anything like that from using opiates. Often, I do need them for headaches that are incapacitating - I have a prescription for that. I would be unable to go to college if I did not have something for it. I use a lot more than prescribed just to get away from my depression and anxiety so that I can function more normally. I do love the feeling, and it is fun. That is enough justification in itself and I have used them for simple pleasure many times. Poppies are much better than hydrocodone for that.

All drugs should be legal for any adult to take for whatever reason they want. Doctors are way too scared of addiction and probably more so of what the government would do to them if they prescribed adequate amounts to relieve pain. I think opiates would be useful in psychiatric medication - especially for patients who are a danger to themselves due to suicidal ideation or attempts because they make you feel better immediately. Antidepressants can take up to two months to work well and some people get little benefit from any common antidepressants. They don't work for me. Opiates work for everyone and work immediately. Tramadol would probably make a great antidepressant. It is harder to get addicted to since it is a mixed agonist/antagonist and it is also an SNRI (others are Effexor, Cymbalta, and Pristiq - those are brand names). There has been some investigation into the potential antidepressant use of tramadol, but concern that a suicidally depressed individual at great risk of self harm or suicide might feel some euphoria has mostly prevented any such use. Nor is it considered for patients who do not respond to multiple antidepressants from the major classes. I do not respond much from SSRIs, SNRIs, NDRIs, mirtazapine, tricyclic antidepressants, trazodone, or the SSRE tianeptine (tianeptine enhances the reuptake of serotonin and was slightly effective the whole time I used it but not nearly enough). Many antidepressants have produced short term improvement and then completely stop working. Bupropion(Wellbutrin - an NDRI) and Citalopram(Celexa - an SSRI) both produced hypomanic episodes for me then completely stopped working. Paroxetine(Paxil) caused what I think was a mixed state resembling Agitated Depression and it was worse than normal depression.

Psychotic depression is the worst type I have had. I had that from the time I turned 16 until after I turned 18 - it was ended in hours by my first trip (HBWR seeds). I was hoping to have a really bad trip because I was suicidal and needed something to motivate me to act or push me over the edge.

The only time I have felt guilt about any drug use is when I overdosed and scared my relatives(especially my mom). The last OD was a suicide attempt. I took my raccoon with me so I would not be alone, and he started wanting to play. He kept biting my head. I took him back and fell down several times. My mom asked if I was okay and I lied. Went to pee, fell in the floor. Came out and kind of tipped over with the top of my head smashing into the wall. I decided to just tell her what I had done at that point. I used a huge amount of DXM powder a long time and ended of taking dozens of ephedra pills. My blood pressure was above 300/200 according to my mom. When I became aware of my surroundings, I saw a number perhaps 220-230 or so (don't remember) and I thought it was my heart rate. I got scared and it rose substantially (I noticed 246 at some point). That was my systolic BP. Everyone was afraid I would die. I was in the ICU and my status was "grave condition". Not sure exactly what that means, I think it means very critical condition.

The only thing that continues to work is Seroquel. It mainly calms me down so that I can focus, think clearly, and sleep a bit better. It also reduces depressive symptoms some, but it is way too little.

 

[Tryptamine*Dreamer]

No, I have never, and will never feel guilty about my opiate usage. Should a diabetic feel guilty for taking their insulin? There is no shortage of opiates in this world. To the OP, the morphine you are using is not coming out of some poor cancer patients IV bag (most likely). End drug prohibition and the drug money stops funding terrorists, the theft of painkillers will go waaaaaay down (along with the cost), and of course the quality/purity will improve, drastically reducing accidental ODs.... No, the government should feel guilty for handing the drug industry to organized crime on a silver-fucking-platter.

EDIT: I do feel guilty about my families abandonded hopes and dreams for me. I was supposed to be a big achiever, now their greatest hope is that I live to be 30.

(If it was just me, I'd never stop. I'm in love with them. But I feel compelled to try my hardest for my family).

I guess I am a little conflicted. But dammit, if they were legal I could so be a functioning addict!

If you have any abandoned hopes of your own, don't just give up! Many addicts are highly functional and highly educated. I know I haven't given up on my hopes and dreams. I did not completely give up except in the darkest parts of my depression. I used lots of poppies every day for like five years. My first 3 years of college I was always under the influence and I made almost straight As. I've had setbacks from recurrent long-lasting severe depressive episodes since then but I am still trying and believe I have the potential to be what I want to be - in many ways, not just career wise.

You've got to try whether or not you continue using drugs as you do now.

It is sad when your family abandons their hopes and dreams for you. It is devastating to abandon your own hopes and dreams without trying. That is what I had done years before I went to college - even before I used drugs. I had pretty much given up by the time I was 11 or 12.

There must be some hope. Everyone can overcome obstacles like this. If you were brain damaged or physically incapacitated, then it might be impossible to overcome, depending on your goals and aspirations. I assume you are of at least normal intelligence and not paralyzed or anything like that, so there is no need to even think about giving up(unless you are brain damaged or paralyzed).

Maybe you could find a less expensive habit? I used to grow a lot of poppies for myself. That was fairly cheap and not difficult if you plant at the right times.

 

[Blind Melon]

All drugs should be legal for any adult to take for whatever reason they want. Doctors are way too scared of addiction and probably more so of what the government would do to them if they prescribed adequate amounts to relieve pain. I think opiates would be useful in psychiatric medication - especially for patients who are a danger to themselves due to suicidal ideation or attempts because they make you feel better immediately. Antidepressants can take up to two months to work well and some people get little benefit from any common antidepressants. They don't work for me. Opiates work for everyone and work immediately.

Truth.

I just don't get why doctors are so quick to give out the Anti-Psychotics and Anti-Depressants. They are equally addicting if not more so (from what I've heard and seen) to opiates, while being significantly less effective and there is zero recreational value. Not to mention most of them contain a list of side effects longer than the Bible.

Opiates do an amazing job solving three severe problems I was born with (depression, crippling anxiety, insomnia as in days with zero sleep). No Anti-Psychotic could do that for me with less side effects, and many would carry with them the same burden of addiction.

 

[Tryptamine*Dreamer]

I have severe anxiety and panic attacks along with severe insomnia. I have been awake for fifteen days and nights without a moment of sleep.
I was in a mental hospital having severe panic attacks that they would not treat. I did not sleep at all the last 11 days/nights there and they gave me nothing to help me sleep. They were well aware of my situation. I was told when I asked for something that they would have to contact the doctor in the middle of the night and that I would be kept there longer if I woke the asshole up. The next day, I asked to speak to my lawyer and they told me that they would keep me longer if I was going to sue. That is not why I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to talk about the lack of treatment for severe insomnia and panic attacks and see if I could be transferred somewhere else.
They had a hotline I called to inform them of my situation. Before that patient advocate arrived, they led me to believe they were going to move me to a quieter room and give me something for the insomnia. I told that to the patient advocate when she arrived, who said that it was very bad to allow someone to stay awake that long. They never did anything to help me sleep. They lied to me. They lied to me about many other things as well. I have no respect for them and most of the profession.

Should also state my support for use of psychedelics in psychotherapy and some (AMT and AET in particular) as antidepressants. Those two produce antidepressant effects with amounts too small to cause any psychedelia.

 

[teological]

I have severe anxiety and panic attacks along with severe insomnia. I have been awake for fifteen days and nights without a moment of sleep.
I was in a mental hospital having severe panic attacks that they would not treat. I did not sleep at all the last 11 days/nights there and they gave me nothing to help me sleep. QUOTE]

I do not understand why they would not treat you. This sounds so horrible! wtf? I hate the profession too, seeing how they refuse to give out pain meds and the banning of drugs giving crime a good income. It just does not make sense.

Why is euphoria illegal? I think that part of me feeling guilty is perhaps linked to the false information I was fed throughout my childhood years about how bad drugs are etc...

One of my GPs was very happy to provide me Prozac on my very first visit. This is exactly what he told me "they will help lift your mood and they are to be used long term. I have given them out for erectile dysfunction. If you are bi-polar then you will react very badly, so this is how we will find out if you are bi-polar or depressed". He also gave me a free starters pack, lol. I used them for opiate potentiations a few times a week lol.

 

[cerebral_pauly]

I feel guilty because its hard to better yourself on opiates. You may be able to hold down a job and pay your bills but if all your other money goes to opiates then you arent saving anything. You just kind of get by each day until you can go home and escape from everything. Id rather spend money on things that I dont get a one-time use out of.

But we all have different lives and situations so it is up to the individual what they want to do.

 

[CrazyC]

Most of the guilt from my opiate use arises from the endless lies I have told to obtain and to use them. I have stolen from friends as well.

I also have a less pervasive sense of guilt arising from the fact that I have abused the healthy body I was lucky enough to be born with when other people have been born with or develop debilitating conditions that have nothing to do with their lifestyles.

 

[Whosajiggawaaa]

yeah ive kinda thought that, especially when my friend was given a bunch of dilaudud from a dying cancer patient. But honestly I find life so painfully boring sometimes and that deppresses the fuck out of me. It also makes me angry to think that our natural state is so... dull. I just wish I was in a state of euphoria all the time. The only thing keeping me from doing opiates all day everyday is tolerance build up and of course health effects.

+1 except i have some physical pain but the emotional pain is often worse

 

[Brightonhead]

I feel guilty because its hard to better yourself on opiates. You may be able to hold down a job and pay your bills but if all your other money goes to opiates then you arent saving anything.

I feel guilty because its hard to better yourself on opiates.

Yup, totally agree. I've been an opiate addict for 25 years now (god... is it really that long..?). I'm an an-and-off addict. I used for 12 years, stopped for 5, used for a couple, stopped for a couple, and now it's like year off, month on, year off, etc.

The only really productive times in my life have been when I've not been using. All the times I've been using I've either, as you described so well, 'just got by', and done a absolute minimum so that I don't get sacked or lose relationships, etc. And they aren't the happy times, either. The times I've been really, truly happy have all been when I've had some time away from opiates. In the years I've been clean, I've got good degrees and other qualifications. I've started several successful businesses, bought properties, met and married a great woman and had two wonderful kids. And yet in spite of all of that, I still fall for the seedy, nasty lure of opiates time and time again. I'll be clean, succeed in a load of ways and then the old nagging thoughts about 'just once more' start creeping back in again. I'll go out and score 'only once', but it always gets me, every time.

Yeah, I feel massive amounts of guilt. I feel it towards my kids, my wife, my mother, my brother, my workmates, my friends, just about everybody. As others have said in this thread, it's the lying that really makes me feel guilty. I lie all the time to cover up the drug use. Every time I tell another lie, I feel more guilt. I've used opiates since 17 and I felt guilty the first time I did it. I've always known that it's a bad thing to do and since then I've never had a guilt-free hit. Guilt gets me every time.

I know people that don't feel guilty about using and they use much more happily than I do. They feel in some way entitled to it and if people get hurt in the process then they blame those people for 'getting in the way', somehow. But I've never been able to look at it like that. I see my drug use as a deeply selfish thing, and give myself the worst of hard times about it. The thing that I'll never be able to understand is 'why the hell do I keep doing it then'!!!!! But that's the $1m question, isn't it? And I don't think anyone really fully understands that.

 

[teological]

I am one of those "entitled people", and I think it stems from the real belief that one has been prosecuted by the people around them, voluntarily or not. I found opiates in my 20s. Before that time I had faced loneliness, domestic violence, depression, low self-esteem etc etc, and no one was there for me. And what? Now, when I have found something I truly enjoy doing, something that helps kill some emotional stress, they are going to tell me to come and tell me stop because it is selfish? LOL. This side of opiate use I have 0 guilt for.

 

[Tryptamine*Dreamer]

I would have never started college without opiates and I am generally a nice person probably. I care deeply about other people and animals and try to help out as much as I can (at least I think I do, but I could be wrong).
Or maybe I am a delusional narcissist and just think I am nice and care but it is all in my head. If I had narcissistic personality disorder I would probably believe I was good and have no insight into how bad I actually am.
I am mostly just assuming that I am a decent person based on what other people have told me and they might just be trying to make me feel better about myself due to my depression and suicidal ideation/attempts.
How would I know if I was a bad person, especially if I had narcissistic or antisocial personality disorder?
They diagnosed me with a cluster B personality disorder and such people are generally self centered and evil (except the histrionics and maybe the borderlines). Maybe it was my disrespect for them that caused them to give that diagnosis? They were mistreating all the patients. Employees were talking about how gay people went to Hell, so I gave a guy a blow job for that and to break the rules. I wrote funny songs all over the bathroom wall - partly to give people something to laugh at but mostly to disrespect the control freaks. They dehumanized all the patients and one of the employees was making fun of a moderately mentally handicapped person and talking bad about how he peed the bed, saying that he did it intentionally - he was only a few feet away but I don't think he knew they were making fun of him. I think he had an incontinence problem that he could not control as it happened every night while he was sleeping.

The second time, my blood pressure was well above 170/100 for four or five days and 180/105-110 or higher for 3. The last day before they decided to treat it adequately it was near 200/120. They did not even give me my blood pressure medication the first 3 days I was there the second time. They kept trying to make me wear warm clothes in the building even though I was hot and pouring sweat the whole time. They did not like me to share my stuff with the other patients and told me I had to stop after a while (I did not obey their worthless rules). I don't think I was mean to the employees. I cussed at one once or twice during the second stay - once because I was sick and had a severe headache and they would not let me stay in my room. The other time was due to their failure to treat my blood pressure - I feared I would have a stroke.

Maybe I am just trying to defend myself and they were right about me. How can one truly know what kind of person they actually are? Your own feeling about yourself can easily be invalid and others who think you are nice or good could be wrong. You can't trust your family to be honest about that kind of thing - at least not my mom and nephews because they love me and my mom is always saying good things about me and bragging about how I am getting an education. I think she just does not want to come to terms with the true me. I don't know how much longer I can continue before she realizes that I probably will never make it. I have by no means given up, but it has been difficult with the recurrent severe depression, which on at least 3 occasions has included psychotic symptoms (the worst from the time I was 16 until after I was 18 - it ended immediately with my first trip).
In any case, that institution is in the process of being shut down for mistreatment, abuse, and neglect of patients. Lat year, a patient was fatally overdosed by staff with something(s) for being uncooperative. Not sure what he was doing. The place in question is Terrell State Hospital in Texas. You can easily find the story of what happened to that guy, who had called for help during "a bipolar meltdown". There is no info to be found online about how the place is being shut down, but it is happening.

The fact that I have been talking so much about myself probably proves their point that I am cluster B - probably a narcissist, and I detest narcissism and antisocial (that is, psychopathic) behavior. Antisocial does not mean that one does not socialize.

I do truly think I would have committed suicide without the opiates.

Edit:
The fact I am trying to defend myself is probably another indication that I actually am the kind of person I don't want to be. I want to be good. I have done extremely cruel things in the past - things that are deeply shameful that I wish I could somehow change. I was extremely cruel and evil to everyone and everything from the time I was 15 until after I turned 18 - it may be my fault that my oldest nephew who lives with me has his problems. It seems I am being defensive again.

I wish I really knew what I was really like from the perspective of others because my own perception of myself is likely very flawed or invalid. I wish someone could give me a definitive diagnosis of what personality disorder I have. I am kind of afraid to find out, but I feel I really need to know.

Anyway, back to opiates.
Opiates were once used as antidepressants back in the 40s and 50s. During and after that, amphetamines saw use as antidepressants. Then it was MAOIs and tricyclic antidepressants(some of which have shown superior efficacy to the SSRIs which are now what all the shrinks want to hand out like candy). Imipramine in particular seems to be more effective than SSRIs. Mirtazapine also seems superior as a treatment for severe depression and it has some indirect effects on the opioid receptors, though I do not know what the significance of that is. It did not help me in any major way and stopped working completely. A lot of SSRIs and Effexor (an SNRI) have made my problems worse. Effexor caused severe hypertension and other side effects.