Feeling exhausted

[11bbbb]

Hello bluelight.
I've been a long time viewer of this forum but never made an account.
I used benzos, hallucinogens, weed, pain pills, stims for about 5 years. I used a lot at a time (10+ hits of 300ug Lsd, research chems, 1/4 of mushrooms at a minimum, benzos by the handful- at one point I was taking about 50mg a day, took more and woke up in the woods eith no idea what was going on. Full bottles of ritalin etc.
I don't want to ramble.

Anyway, I've been clean for over a year.
When I was in treatment they all said once you're clean you'll feel like you have your life back and you'll be able to do things again.
This hasn't been the case for me. Still to this day I wake up feeling exhausted and unable to think the way I used to. I get extremely frustrated when I wake up and get that feeling again every day because I keep expecting things to get better.
I've broken a lot of expensive things and punched holes in the wall when I wake up and throughout the day because of the way I feel.
It goes along with what I called not being able to think properly but I can't remember anything or process basic information.

My question to you guys is how long does it take for you to be 'back to normal,' if ever.
I went through the program like I said and the whole time they were telling us that it wil get better.
Don't get me wrong I feel better than I used to but I'm still not all here.

At this point I'm starting to lose hope because of everything I have going on in my life while dealing with this. The only future I can see for myself is to start using again and die of an overdose happily.
Any help, suggestions, any input would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

 

[windflower]

I feel that maybe you still feel this way due to a multiple of reasons:

1.) Are you taking any meds? Did the treatment center you go to have dual-diagnosis? Maybe you need to see a psychiatrist to help stable your mood. Im not sure how you feel about this suggestion, because I myself am not so fond of taking meds, but maybe you need it, whether you like to admit it or not. I dont wanna take meds but Im sure I will need to in order to help me stay clean and be happy.

2.) Perhaps you are still going thru PAWS (post-acute withdrawal.) I know it can last from 6 months up to a year for some people. If you were a heavy or long time user that might be the case. I know PAWS can cloud up ur mind and make you still feel in a funky like state.

I might not be giving the greatest suggestions since Im still currently using myself, but Ive been doing this crap for way too long now and would like to think I know a little about what I am talking about. I have been to treatment 13 times and have heard so many different doctors, counselors, psychiatrists, therapists, etc., talk about drug use and the recovery stage. I give you mad props for still staying clean thru out this time, Idk if I could. If you have a year clean tho keep at it man!! Dont stop now. The PAWS will eventually go away especially if its already been a year, and maybe if you seek help from a psychiatrist that will help too...

Also, what do you enjoy? Do you go out and do stuff? Whats your typical day like for you? Keeping ur mind busy with the things you enjoy might help too.

Good luck and keep it up!! Dont let ur moods get the best of you x

 

[herbavore]

The thing about normal is that it is always changing. What made you happy when you were 8 just doesn't cut it at 16. What seemed normal at 16 cannot hold that staus at 32. Sometimes when people are coming out of years of drug use, they have skipped the natural progression of their emotional development and everything feels flat and strange. The best advice I have for you is to get to know yourself. Be very patient and perceptive. Your spirit and your mind are alive and well but every human is charged with the responsibility to create their own relationship with the world--starting from the one inside and radiating out to the circumstances outside. When you have had the safe space of drugs between you and difficult emotions you have to create new strengths and this can take a while. Heal the divisions in yourself without paying too much attention to outside markers.

If you wake up with rage try to stay with it past the point where you need to punch something. Pretend you are a friend and ask yourself what you would do to make things easier for that friend--what could you say to a person that is frustrated that would actually help diffuse the intesity of the emotion without discounting the feeling itself. It takes practice to learn yourself but pretty soon you start seeing that things get easier. Did they expose you to CBT or mindfulness in the program you were in? Both of these offer free, simple tools to jump in and redirect dangerous thought patterns like fatalism or self loathing, anxiety and anger.

 

[rainyday107]

NOT MEDICAL ADVICE...my experience:


I think a full physical workup (MRI, EEG, EKG, blood analysis, etc.) and testing by a neuropsychologist (memory, concentration, intellectual functioning, etc.) would be invaluable if that hasn't been done. A psychiatrist specializing in addiction can handle the physical workup and refer you to a neuropsychologist. Just a recommendation. I went through all that. It was painless and informative for my health, physical and mental.

My brain wasn't functioning nearly as well for a long time. The foregoing gave me answers and a treatment plan. And it wasn't meds. I was relieved to know what was going on, why, and what recommendations the neuropsychologist had for my psychiatrist. Got a nifty ten-page report for me, too, so I saw the entire testing, analysis, etc. My brain wasn't "broken" but it was NOT operating at full capacity and the neuropsychologist had the expertise to determine why. We figured out why and got me back to baseline. I felt like my IQ returned, I swear.

You need answers. Maybe it's just PAWS. Time. Maybe something additional is going on and it can be addressed via therapies or other methods. I think there are avenues to explore and potential, possibly substantial improvement for you. Do you have health insurance? I had a lot going on and it was worth every penny for me.

PAWS sucks. But it's practically a catchall term. Sober but feel awful. Its PAWS. Same thing every time. Unless it's not.

Keep us posted. Take care.