Feeling burdened by my addiction

[falsifiedhypothesi]

My DOC is opiates, kratom, ten to fifteen grams per day, plus the occasional pharmaceutical. The guilt of using will come to my mind and i can always rationalize it away, but guilt always comes back.

My use isn’t impacting anyone around me but drugs feel like manifesting weakness, and so the guilt returns.

I’m not sure what action to take. Is it imparitive to stop or else life will collapse? I can’t see how it would be imparitive but i can’t predict the far future.

This is mostly just venting, mods please move if you think of a better place for it.

 

[simco]

Vent all you want... that's why we're here! :D

I can't quite tell from your post--are you using opioids besides kratom?

 

[RedRum OG]

Addiction gets worse 99% of them time. The danger of "I can stop, I just don't want to" is that when it's true, it goes from "wont" to "cant" very quickly and subtly, and you will go from a normal person to someone who begs to give away their dignity just to get well.

You will lose things. Even with something as mild as kratom. It might progress to harder opiates or other drugs, or you will just ruin your finances on expensive kratom, and your social life as sooner or later talking to people will only get in the way of nodding out.

 

[falsifiedhypothesi]

I use various pharmaceutical opioids as well as kratom, kratom has just been a maintenance drug of sorts.

Ive had general malaise my whole life, I hesistate to call it depression but i would probably be clinically diagnosed with major depression if i went to a phycologist. I use to blame my mental instability mostly on an incurable case of major depression and partially on my parents. I have since moved passed, or maybe around those mental obstacles and in a lot of ways i feel better then i ever have.

Still there are days when i feel the unprovoked darkness creeping back in and ever since my mid teens i’ve used drugs to create a safe haven for my mind.

I’ve had stretches of up to a couple months being sober. I had cravings during those times but i didn’t have much trouble shaking them. The thing i’m most concerned with is the dark slowly creeping it’s way back in and losing all the progress i’ve worked towards.

Thank you for indulging me

 

[ElleAZ]

When you have chronic issues like depression it’s hard to imagine that there’s any other way of being. I have an anxiety disorder my mother never helped me with it she would simply make fun of me and say that I worry about Christmas before Thanksgiving and that I’m so filled with worry that it’s ridiculous . So for me anxiety would be my creeping darkness.

I’m not going to assume to know anything about you. You may be extremely involved and busy and committed. I on the other hand was entirely too idle. I was able to change a lot about myself by taking on new challenges and proving to myself that I am a much better person than I was ever given credit for. I felt like I was being introduced to myself. It was life-changing . I still suffer from anxiety but not the Christmas Thanksgiving kind. It’s generally fleeting now .

So to answer your question yes it is imperative that you stop taking these drugs. You have an existing depression disorder that prevents you from being able to fully enjoy the good and the beautiful in life . Until you get off the medication you may not be able to address your disorder . Once you’re clean and are thinking clearly and Are not beholden to that Junk, there’s a world out there that you need to jump into . It is a hurting world that needs your compassion and attention . You will never know how amazing your life can be until your head is clear and you are facing your fears and knocking them out like bowling pins.

Another thing, you matter. Perhaps your relationships don’t make you feel that way but that’s just a reason to make new relationships with people who will lift you up. You are worth fighting for.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I'd explore (A) what you get from your drug use that is helpful and (B) what costs are associated from your drug use. I'm not asking what you might benefit or be hurt from your drug use, but actually it's present day impact on your life.

If you can't use drugs without feeling like a piece of shit, that is something worth paying attention to. Then you can either work on learning to relate to yourself in healthier ways (regardless of your drug use, although a chance in thinking will probably require some chance regarding the character of your drug use), or you can try other things to make you feel better besides just drug use.

IME it's difficult to address a drug problem without identifying what the drug does in terms of positives, not just (potential) negatives/harm. It's very unlikely that doesn't use doesn't do anything helpful for someone who's lifestyle has become habituated with the stuff, and finding healthier ways to meet those needs drug use addresses is crucial to recovery IMO.

Recovery isn't just about drug use, it's about feelings and how we manage our mood states.