Hey guys, never posted in here, but thought I'd give it a shout out as I don't really have any one else to talk to. So if you can take the time to read this and tell me it will all be okay, I'd love that. Or keep it real....
Edit: Just to let you know, this is a long read, I have a lot on my mind.
Last week everything in my life was going pretty damn good I must say. Funny how quickly that changes....
I'm in college right now, while school isn't in session, I work on campus during the summer. Because of this, I get (got) to live in a college owned apartment for free. It's a pretty sweet deal, all the utilities paid for and it comes mostly furnished. Just had to buy food really, and continue working.
However I do partake in ganja, and this once again, kinda fucked me in life. The housing office was doing "bed bug checks" last week, and I apparently missed the memo.
I left a bong laying out in plain sight, and one of the housing people was escorting the exterminator people in to the rooms, then saw the bong. He then notifies campus safety, and they do a search of the apartment. They look further and find two baggies of weed around 1/2oz total, a set of scales, and another broken pipe.
I guess campus safety deemed that this warranted contacting police.
Mind you, this is all happening while I'm at work. I live on a really small campus, so news travels fast. Even so, I didn't have a clue what was goin down at my place when I clocked out at 4:30.
I'm clocking out and thinking about how bad I need to take a shower and get some groceries. I ride my bike the short distance to the apartment, pull around the corner, and notice the door is open. Some dude from housing is standing in the door way. I look a little deeper, there's a campus safety officer in the living room. I look a little deeper, and there's a cop in the kitchen. !!!!!!!!!!!
Oh shiiiiiit, my heart drops and my stomach gets instant butterflies. The cop comes out and asks who I am, which I identify myself. He then asks whos dope it was inside....
At this point my room mate, who I also work with arrives from work. He is a good kid, and doesn't do any drugs. The cops start asking if the stuff is his, and I own up to it. It was all found in my room anyways. The cop reads me my rights and takes me to the cop car in cuffs.
Mind you, almost everyone living in these apartment are people I work with, and they are all getting off work too. Everyone is standing outside, watching the drama. Watching me get put in to the back of cop car in cuffs. Watching the cop carry out my bong and set it on top of the car (it was a ROOR too, if that adds to the hurt, lol). Watching watching watching..... me.
I don't think I could have felt any shittier. After we get to the station, the cops do their bullshit. They charge me with drug paraphenillia and possesion. Given what I was caught with, I could have gotten a lot worse charges, but I think the fact I was quiet and cooperative helped.
It seems like every time you get arrested, cops take the time to make fun of your situation. Eh, I listened to their snide little jokes and keep to myself, and they eventually give me the charges and release me.
Campus safety arrives to take me back to campus. I have an immediate meeting with the dean. She tells me shes gonna give us both a day to think it over and talk, to lets us both think it out. I meet with her the next day, and she schedules yet another meeting the next day. I finally got my punishment, which honestly wasn't too bad considering what they could have done. I got kicked out of the apartment for the rest of summer, have to see the counselor, and put on probation by the school, so I gotta keep my nose clean. But I'm not a trouble maker and have great grades, so hopefully I don't fuck up.
As far as the legal situation, I have court next week. I had a very similar situation when I was 18 involving a traffic stop. I believe I have a paraphenilla charge all ready on my record, even though I was given a plea agreement then that made me believe I would have no drug charges. Using the fucking court appointed lawyer was the biggest mistake I could of made. Because I have a previous record, I'm quite worried they will label me as a drug addict, and go a little harsher. I'm not facing jail, but this could affect my student loans, a future job, etc. Not to mention every single penny I've saved this summer is goin out the windows (I expect a lawyer to cost $600-$700, and court fines and fees to be close to that as well).
I can afford this, or almost, but it feels damn shitty knowing everything I worked so hard for this summer is going away, because I fucked up.
Wait there's more.
My mom is a professor here. This is what makes me feel the WORST. I get free tuition at this school because she's a teacher. But it's small college, so there's no way word won't get around. I all ready told her what was up, she was majorly disappointed. That's such a terrible feeling, to have some one that cares about you to feel, not angry, but disappointed. And now many of her co-workers might label me as a "drug addict". I know not everyone will, but I know that's what shes thinking. Shit, she might as well just label me as that, as I've been getting caught smoking weed by her for the last 4 years, since high school.
I'm such a fucking idiot. EVERYTHING I've ever been caught with in my life was because I was careless. It's like I can't learn a simple lesson to hide my illegals. Well, I stopped using my car for anything to do with drugs, because I know that's dangerous. But I guess I got too comfortable with my living situation, even though I should of known better.
I'm pretty much gonna spill everything that's bothering me now, so hang with me if you can!
Something else bothering me, is there is a girl that I reallllly liked that just flat out told me she didn't feel the same a few hours ago, the dreaded "just friends". I'm not gonna spend too much time on this one, it just sucks to look up to some one in that way, and realize the feeling isn't mutual. Adding this to everything else goin on, and it's kind of a slap in the face. I dunno, I respect her choice, and can't blame her, she can probably find better,well maybe, lol
This kinda leads me in to the next thing. I'm a little bit of an odd person. I don't make friends easily, and could improve my social skills. I'm actually in a fraternity, and my hopes were that it would force me to get people skills. And they really are improving. I love the fraternity and the people I've met. I'm not really the typical frat boy stereotype, at least I don't think I am.... as I said I'm a bit odd.
But once people really get to know me, I earn their respect and friendship, and vice versa.
But my previous experiences in life have taught me if you have more "friends" than you can count on one hand, your lying to yourself. I have a natural distrust towards people that I just can't get over. I've had a lot of good "friends", some times "best friends", fuck me over for petty reasons. It has made me a bit of a bitter person in this regard. I've been robbed for drugs, girls, etc, and as a consequence don't want to let any one get too close too quickly.
Another factor that I feel contributes to my odd personality is that I did A LOT of drugs, particularly LSD when I was around 16, 17, 18. Around that time, one of my best friends, who still is my BEST friend went to jail for 9 months. I just remember it being a fucked up time in my life, and that's kinda what I faced going in to college. I'm not sure if it effected my IQ or anything, lol, but I think it did change my personality somewhat, I can't say for better or worse.
I started smoking weed at a young age, around 7th grade, but didn't get serious till 10th grade or so, when I started smoking almost everyday, and it was that way for about 4 years. Up until the previous semester this year. i just can't smoke like that anymore. I quit for around 4 months, and my head was sooooo clear, and I was a bit more social. But once I joined the frat, I picked up smoking again. It's never been the same though, the high just isn't what it used to be for me. It makes me paranoid, antisocial, and generally forgetful.
It seems like a lot of my college friends are just now starting to smoke weed and use drugs. I feel a little bit distant from them, as I kinda have a been there done that attitude. Weed, quite honestly, is a waste of time and seems to lead to nothing to trouble. And I've seen many of my friends walk toooooo far down the road that is drugs
That's what I tell my friends, not that any one listens to me. LOL, maybe I'm the one with the problem!
As far as other drug use goes, I've dabbled with pills and a couple RCs. I don't think it's anything alarming, I've only bought RCs twice, just to try some things. As far as pills, I could see my self havin the personality to get addicted, but I'm confident I won't allow that to happen, not to mention I couldn't afford it. I'm just being honest with myself. The buzz ain't worth it anyway. Truthfully I'm getting fed up with all the chaos and damage drugs are doing to my and my friends lives.
Basically to summarize my feelings so far:
I feel like a let down. I let my roommate down by gettin the house raided. I let my fraternity down by giving them a bad image. Most of all, I let my mom down by disgracing here in front of her coworkers. Getting busted at school was probably one of the dumber things in my life.
Furthermore, I'm so lonely, I just want some one I can talk to, some one that is generally interested in me. I can't find that person. Whenever I think I find them, it never works out. I feel like I'm a little bit different than most people. Maybe this is natural, but sometimes I don't feel like I'm in sync with the rest of my friends.
Most of all, I'm soooooooo lost. I'm having a super difficult time discovering, making sense of, and integrating my place in the world.
I'm not like depressed (I don't think), or suicidal. Really, a week ago I didn't have much to worry about as far as troubles, or at least major real troubles. I suspect after the court case and this legal bullshit, I'll be able to get my mind straight and progress forward.
I have a few more things I could say, but I've about typed a frickin book here huh. If you've made it this far, thanks sooooooooo much for reading. I just really needed to get this out before it bottles up inside me any longer.
Thank you, reader.
Edit: Just to let you know, this is a long read, I have a lot on my mind.
Last week everything in my life was going pretty damn good I must say. Funny how quickly that changes....
I'm in college right now, while school isn't in session, I work on campus during the summer. Because of this, I get (got) to live in a college owned apartment for free. It's a pretty sweet deal, all the utilities paid for and it comes mostly furnished. Just had to buy food really, and continue working.
However I do partake in ganja, and this once again, kinda fucked me in life. The housing office was doing "bed bug checks" last week, and I apparently missed the memo.
I left a bong laying out in plain sight, and one of the housing people was escorting the exterminator people in to the rooms, then saw the bong. He then notifies campus safety, and they do a search of the apartment. They look further and find two baggies of weed around 1/2oz total, a set of scales, and another broken pipe.
I guess campus safety deemed that this warranted contacting police.
Mind you, this is all happening while I'm at work. I live on a really small campus, so news travels fast. Even so, I didn't have a clue what was goin down at my place when I clocked out at 4:30.
I'm clocking out and thinking about how bad I need to take a shower and get some groceries. I ride my bike the short distance to the apartment, pull around the corner, and notice the door is open. Some dude from housing is standing in the door way. I look a little deeper, there's a campus safety officer in the living room. I look a little deeper, and there's a cop in the kitchen. !!!!!!!!!!!
Oh shiiiiiit, my heart drops and my stomach gets instant butterflies. The cop comes out and asks who I am, which I identify myself. He then asks whos dope it was inside....
At this point my room mate, who I also work with arrives from work. He is a good kid, and doesn't do any drugs. The cops start asking if the stuff is his, and I own up to it. It was all found in my room anyways. The cop reads me my rights and takes me to the cop car in cuffs.
Mind you, almost everyone living in these apartment are people I work with, and they are all getting off work too. Everyone is standing outside, watching the drama. Watching me get put in to the back of cop car in cuffs. Watching the cop carry out my bong and set it on top of the car (it was a ROOR too, if that adds to the hurt, lol). Watching watching watching..... me.
I don't think I could have felt any shittier. After we get to the station, the cops do their bullshit. They charge me with drug paraphenillia and possesion. Given what I was caught with, I could have gotten a lot worse charges, but I think the fact I was quiet and cooperative helped.
It seems like every time you get arrested, cops take the time to make fun of your situation. Eh, I listened to their snide little jokes and keep to myself, and they eventually give me the charges and release me.
Campus safety arrives to take me back to campus. I have an immediate meeting with the dean. She tells me shes gonna give us both a day to think it over and talk, to lets us both think it out. I meet with her the next day, and she schedules yet another meeting the next day. I finally got my punishment, which honestly wasn't too bad considering what they could have done. I got kicked out of the apartment for the rest of summer, have to see the counselor, and put on probation by the school, so I gotta keep my nose clean. But I'm not a trouble maker and have great grades, so hopefully I don't fuck up.
As far as the legal situation, I have court next week. I had a very similar situation when I was 18 involving a traffic stop. I believe I have a paraphenilla charge all ready on my record, even though I was given a plea agreement then that made me believe I would have no drug charges. Using the fucking court appointed lawyer was the biggest mistake I could of made. Because I have a previous record, I'm quite worried they will label me as a drug addict, and go a little harsher. I'm not facing jail, but this could affect my student loans, a future job, etc. Not to mention every single penny I've saved this summer is goin out the windows (I expect a lawyer to cost $600-$700, and court fines and fees to be close to that as well).
I can afford this, or almost, but it feels damn shitty knowing everything I worked so hard for this summer is going away, because I fucked up.
Wait there's more.
My mom is a professor here. This is what makes me feel the WORST. I get free tuition at this school because she's a teacher. But it's small college, so there's no way word won't get around. I all ready told her what was up, she was majorly disappointed. That's such a terrible feeling, to have some one that cares about you to feel, not angry, but disappointed. And now many of her co-workers might label me as a "drug addict". I know not everyone will, but I know that's what shes thinking. Shit, she might as well just label me as that, as I've been getting caught smoking weed by her for the last 4 years, since high school.
I'm such a fucking idiot. EVERYTHING I've ever been caught with in my life was because I was careless. It's like I can't learn a simple lesson to hide my illegals. Well, I stopped using my car for anything to do with drugs, because I know that's dangerous. But I guess I got too comfortable with my living situation, even though I should of known better.
I'm pretty much gonna spill everything that's bothering me now, so hang with me if you can!
Something else bothering me, is there is a girl that I reallllly liked that just flat out told me she didn't feel the same a few hours ago, the dreaded "just friends". I'm not gonna spend too much time on this one, it just sucks to look up to some one in that way, and realize the feeling isn't mutual. Adding this to everything else goin on, and it's kind of a slap in the face. I dunno, I respect her choice, and can't blame her, she can probably find better,well maybe, lol
This kinda leads me in to the next thing. I'm a little bit of an odd person. I don't make friends easily, and could improve my social skills. I'm actually in a fraternity, and my hopes were that it would force me to get people skills. And they really are improving. I love the fraternity and the people I've met. I'm not really the typical frat boy stereotype, at least I don't think I am.... as I said I'm a bit odd.
But once people really get to know me, I earn their respect and friendship, and vice versa.
But my previous experiences in life have taught me if you have more "friends" than you can count on one hand, your lying to yourself. I have a natural distrust towards people that I just can't get over. I've had a lot of good "friends", some times "best friends", fuck me over for petty reasons. It has made me a bit of a bitter person in this regard. I've been robbed for drugs, girls, etc, and as a consequence don't want to let any one get too close too quickly.
Another factor that I feel contributes to my odd personality is that I did A LOT of drugs, particularly LSD when I was around 16, 17, 18. Around that time, one of my best friends, who still is my BEST friend went to jail for 9 months. I just remember it being a fucked up time in my life, and that's kinda what I faced going in to college. I'm not sure if it effected my IQ or anything, lol, but I think it did change my personality somewhat, I can't say for better or worse.
I started smoking weed at a young age, around 7th grade, but didn't get serious till 10th grade or so, when I started smoking almost everyday, and it was that way for about 4 years. Up until the previous semester this year. i just can't smoke like that anymore. I quit for around 4 months, and my head was sooooo clear, and I was a bit more social. But once I joined the frat, I picked up smoking again. It's never been the same though, the high just isn't what it used to be for me. It makes me paranoid, antisocial, and generally forgetful.
It seems like a lot of my college friends are just now starting to smoke weed and use drugs. I feel a little bit distant from them, as I kinda have a been there done that attitude. Weed, quite honestly, is a waste of time and seems to lead to nothing to trouble. And I've seen many of my friends walk toooooo far down the road that is drugs
That's what I tell my friends, not that any one listens to me. LOL, maybe I'm the one with the problem!As far as other drug use goes, I've dabbled with pills and a couple RCs. I don't think it's anything alarming, I've only bought RCs twice, just to try some things. As far as pills, I could see my self havin the personality to get addicted, but I'm confident I won't allow that to happen, not to mention I couldn't afford it. I'm just being honest with myself. The buzz ain't worth it anyway. Truthfully I'm getting fed up with all the chaos and damage drugs are doing to my and my friends lives.
Basically to summarize my feelings so far:
I feel like a let down. I let my roommate down by gettin the house raided. I let my fraternity down by giving them a bad image. Most of all, I let my mom down by disgracing here in front of her coworkers. Getting busted at school was probably one of the dumber things in my life.
Furthermore, I'm so lonely, I just want some one I can talk to, some one that is generally interested in me. I can't find that person. Whenever I think I find them, it never works out. I feel like I'm a little bit different than most people. Maybe this is natural, but sometimes I don't feel like I'm in sync with the rest of my friends.
Most of all, I'm soooooooo lost. I'm having a super difficult time discovering, making sense of, and integrating my place in the world.
I'm not like depressed (I don't think), or suicidal. Really, a week ago I didn't have much to worry about as far as troubles, or at least major real troubles. I suspect after the court case and this legal bullshit, I'll be able to get my mind straight and progress forward.
I have a few more things I could say, but I've about typed a frickin book here huh. If you've made it this far, thanks sooooooooo much for reading. I just really needed to get this out before it bottles up inside me any longer.
Thank you, reader.
