• HEALTH & RECOVERY
    Welcome Guest
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Thread Directory 1 Thread Directory 2
    Mindfulness Links Addiction & Mind
    Sober Living Partner Program (SLiPP)
  • H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist

February - Getting and staying clean/sober thread

Status
Not open for further replies.
"Nothing on the top but a bucket and a mop and an illustrated book about birds"

Something that never occurred to me until recently (past year or so), is that success is a big trigger for me. When I succeed at something, my interest in doing anything diminishes. This in turn causes my apathy to take control of my decisions. I find that I'm most content when I have a problem to solve. It really is lonely at the top.
 
w01fg4ng said:
"Nothing on the top but a bucket and a mop and an illustrated book about birds"

Something that never occurred to me until recently (past year or so), is that success is a big trigger for me. When I succeed at something, my interest in doing anything diminishes. This in turn causes my apathy to take control of my decisions. I find that I'm most content when I have a problem to solve. It really is lonely at the top.
Click to expand...

Amen.
 
The past few days has been hard for me about not drinking - I think I'm at 31 days now. But starting to plot more and feel cravings more.... I even saw 3 dumped needles down the street this morning and after 18-19 years, that STILL really freaks me out. I would still try it again if my husband wasn't around and I had access to any of that shit... that's what is sort of scary about drinking - I know I shouldn't allow it back in my life but it was my right hand for many years but I feel less strong than I did a month ago.... I even plotted a relapse a few weekends ago at an event but didn't. They first day was miserable -awful- but the 2nd day was ok. But now at home, my safe haven, I've started looking around... I've taken maybe 4 kpins this month and I'm OK with that except I took one recreationally on Sunday. And I have a headache now and I want to take a couple of pills to make it go away (luckily I don't have any quantity of anything to make a habit out of). Smoking pot is creeping in earlier now instead of just at bedtime - I'm OK with that for now but I don't want to get to the point where I am unable to go to sleep without it..... We went out for Valentines day and had to wait at the bar -THE BAR!- I just kept looking at all of the delicious 200 beers on tap! :-( Then I panicked that I couldn't think of something 'mature' to drink other than water or a coke.... I felt like I saved face by just saying, 'I'll just have a water for now.' I wonder if I can find a sponsor-type person if I'm not working the steps???
 
ad lib said:
You're doing great though case! 280 days! <3

---

So I talked to my boyfriend about my addiction and my past, and he was so understanding about it which made me feel so much better. It felt like a weight was lifted off my chest. He didn't judge me, and just said that I was amazing and strong for what I've been dealing with. Knowing that he knows about my struggles makes it much easier for me. He said that he's going to celebrate my 1 year of being off the needle with me in March.
Click to expand...

Addy that's amazing news. So very pleased that your fella is understanding and he's right you are strong... Casey I've missed you around here n you're in my thoughts.

As for my recovery well I'm bloody surprised I'm still in recovery as everyone is so keen to make a judgement on my choice of recovery, humiliate me, constantly repeat the same stuff to me over and over like I'm stupid.... not drank since Saturday though I s'pose that's something... I have a cold but oh... maybe I'm imagining it after all I wasn't really sick other day was I?

Well done to everyone keep clean... you're amazing.... keep going you can do this xxxx
 
RedLeader said:
This is the crux of your problem. Guilt and shame do not work to keep you sober. The problem with using these two is that in order to employ them to keep you sober, you actually have to employ them to keep you sober. That means swimming around in bad memories from your past, which leads to anxiety and depression, which leads to more cravings. Forget what people in society or the program or wherever tell you to do to stay sober. They don't necessarily "know better than you." Sponsors are just people - often very demented, fucked-up people. And society takes care of itself extremely well - just look around, everything's perfect!

You have to be a little selfish in recovery. I personally like the Bodhicitta concept from Buddhism. I interpret this to mean that you have the wish to become fully enlightened in order to help all other sentient beings. I really think that change in recovery comes from the inside-out, not the outside-in (meetings, sponsor, listening to other people, higher-power, etc). Following other people's advice in a powerless/needy state just makes me feel weak, and like a slave to some type of deficiency I have. So I think you're on the right track with working out. And you're in school, so you have tons of opportunities to better your mind. But the happier you become with yourself, the less inclined you will be to reach for things beyond yourself to try and feel better or more complete. The less lonely you will be. The less desiring of validation and approval you will be.
Click to expand...

-"Believe me, I know how dangerous of a place this is, and I know it can't last.. It can't keep me away from a needle forever."

And to the second paragraph - I don't go through life acting like I'm totally powerless over everything and acting only on the suggestions of others. I specifically picked a sponsor that I only do step work with, as far as making decision he might help me be honest with myself if I even talk to him about it but besides not co signing my bullshit he never actually tells me what to do. I understand what you're saying as well with changes coming from the inside out, and that's what I have been trying to focus on for the last couple months. I think the most accurate thing I wrote in that post was the part about excessive sleep deprivation over the last couple months catching up with me. My mental state has been getting worse as my insomnia has been getting more often/worse - so at the very least there is a correlation worth looking at.

I have also already read a bit about that buddhist concept, as well as other stuff about buddhism. I actually just found out that the Dalai Lama is coming to town this weekend to give a 6 hour talk about achieving happiness. I REALLY want to go, tickets are sold out so I'm going to show up anyway and try to buy somebodies extra or something. Keep an eye on craigslist and see if anybody posts about having an extra on there, too. I'm not expecting all my problems to be solved if I'm fortunate enough to get into the event, but I know I will at least gain a lot of insight and perspective that I didn't previously have.

In the mean time, I'm just going to get back into meditating everyday and keep exercising everyday, at least the days when I slept the night before. Just going to focus on myself, and continue trying to be the change I want to see. Thanks for the reply, however.
 
Well, it is officially 6 months today, 180 days. Honestly I have been thinking a lot about drinking the past few days, especially because my bf and I have been arguing a lot. All those old uncomfortable feelings just make me want to get a six pack and feel better, even if only temporarily. I am glad I didn't succumb to my cravings the other night because my son had some kind of stomach bug and was puking all over the place, which was hard enough to deal with in the middle of the night being groggy and not wearing my contacts but would have been compounded had I been drinking! I guess it was a good reminder of one of the reasons to not drink because it enables me to be a better mom.

It is sunny today so automatically today is better than yesterday.
 
munki said:
Well, it is officially 6 months today, 180 days. Honestly I have been thinking a lot about drinking the past few days, especially because my bf and I have been arguing a lot. All those old uncomfortable feelings just make me want to get a six pack and feel better, even if only temporarily. I am glad I didn't succumb to my cravings the other night because my son had some kind of stomach bug and was puking all over the place, which was hard enough to deal with in the middle of the night being groggy and not wearing my contacts but would have been compounded had I been drinking! I guess it was a good reminder of one of the reasons to not drink because it enables me to be a better mom.

It is sunny today so automatically today is better than yesterday.
Click to expand...

Well done, there xxxx
 
I've got all kinds of good vibrations going on today. Yesterday I was in a car collision. Nothing too exciting happened, no blood or broken bones or anything. But my car is not driveable. Steering column jammed. Front bumper fucked up. Insurance paid for everything, so right now I am rocking a Chevy Impala. But I woke up the next day with stiffness and pain, which is very usual for car crashes. This is very bad news, however, for someone with and opiate dependency.

I haven't used any full agonist opiates since I started Suboxone, and I have worked my little ass off to get this far. When I meditate in the morning, as I am clearing my mind, I make a promise to myself that I will not use today. Accidents like the one I had totally interrupt one's commitments. As soon as I felt the other car crashing into mine, I immediately did a small prayer that I would not get injured enough to need full agonist opiates. Nobody listened.

Woke up this morning totally stiff in the neck and with a strong pain throughout my thoracic area. The Dr offered me Norco right away during the examination. I said no. This was certainly the only time I have ever refused a bottle of pain pils. I just explained that I would do all my physio stuff, hot tub, massage, stretching, heatpad, and rest. He gave me a bottle of high mg motrin, and I went home.

Today is a kind of milestone for me. At 350 days, I have proved to myself that I can say no to my DOC if I do the work. I'm feeling strong. I hope you all are too. Keep the momentum going, y'all.
 
munki said:
Well, it is officially 6 months today, 180 days. Honestly I have been thinking a lot about drinking the past few days, especially because my bf and I have been arguing a lot. All those old uncomfortable feelings just make me want to get a six pack and feel better, even if only temporarily. I am glad I didn't succumb to my cravings the other night because my son had some kind of stomach bug and was puking all over the place, which was hard enough to deal with in the middle of the night being groggy and not wearing my contacts but would have been compounded had I been drinking! I guess it was a good reminder of one of the reasons to not drink because it enables me to be a better mom.

It is sunny today so automatically today is better than yesterday.
Click to expand...

One day behind you, as always. I greet tomorrow of 6 months with open arms =D

Congrats to you <3.
 
Awesome Captain! Keep it up.

281 Days off of anything/everything that can get me drunk or high. :)


I only got 4 hours of sleep last night and zero the night before - but feeling a lot better today. I think the worse insomnia lately is just causing me to have a slightly bi polar mental state... Because a couple days ago I posted about everything being terrible and right now I'm back in a place where I can see how great things are... So yeah, definitely pretty wicked ups and downs right now. Maybe it's PAWS, I've heard that symptoms get worse for a while the closer you get to having a year.

Either way, glad to be feeling a bit better today and excited for the meeting I'm going to in a little bit.
 
Thank you, Space Firebird!

Captain--I remember a few years ago (I read the forums far before I joined the community) you were completely enveloped in Suboxone. To read that you are now 70 days free of everything but cannabis, especially bupe, is very literally awesome. Keep up the good work.

Case--At close to a year, you are almost out of the woods. Inspiring stuff.
 
^I appreciate the intention, but don't really agree. And can't afford to let myself agree. As an addict I'm never out of the woods, and I don't believe any other true addict could ever be out of the woods. Countless people relapse and die after 10, 20+ years of sobriety. They probably thought they were out of the woods, too.

Whenever I had a bit of time in the past and started having little to no cravings for a bit, I thought I was out of the woods and then within weeks relapsed and spent months, if not years, back out using before trying again. I don't have another recovery in me, so I'm going to treat this like how it is this time, which is something that never goes away. I'm going to continue doing on a daily basis what I have been doing to stay sober, hopefully for the rest of my life because I know if I stop there will always be a chance of returning to the hell from which I have risen.
 
^^Of course you aren't out of the woods in terms of using again.

I'm a true addict too. I had years sober in the past and then relapsed, intentionally and unintentionally (car crash injuries, etc.) I'm very aware that our disease never goes away. Of course there's a chance of relapse. A big one. Whether you have 1 year or 20.

I never said you are out of the woods in terms of never using again, and I never would. No addict who is aware and in touch with themselves would say something as asinine as "you'll never use again!" What I meant was that you are close to being out the woods of being in the most intense grip of PAWS. Personally, sometimes it helps me to hear encouragement and support from other addicts. But everyone is different.
 
Last edited:
You're totally right Zwanya, I apologize - I took your comment out of context! :p

I will indeed hopefully be out of the woods soon in terms of the worst of PAWS. I may already be actually, insomnia has nothing to do with PAWS for me - It's something I've suffered from since I was a little kid. My anxiety has been greatly improving, and I think a lot of my anxiety was just paws so thats good. My difficulties with sleep will probably be around forever though, I don't see why not since they always have been.

I'm learning to accept it though. I'm getting some money at the end of the week, and I just might spend some going through the list of natural herbs that are supposed to help with sleep. I've tried many of them already, but it's always worth another a shot especially since I haven't tried some of them in a long time, and some not while sober.
 
Zwanya said:
Thank you, Space Firebird!

Captain--I remember a few years ago (I read the forums far before I joined the community) you were completely enveloped in Suboxone. To read that you are now 70 days free of everything but cannabis, especially bupe, is very literally awesome. Keep up the good work.

Case--At close to a year, you are almost out of the woods. Inspiring stuff.
Click to expand...

Thank you. "Enveloped" might be a bit of an understatement, I was definitely obsessed with the ritual of what I was doing to myself, and what I got out of it was unnaturally affinitive for "feeling loved" - it still highjacked my endorphin system, and in the end, I had to pull myself out of it and it hurt, really bad.

But I'm glad I did it. It was worth it to return to normality. This feels so much better than being on bupe ever did. Being able to get out of a shower without shivering. Being able to walk outside in mid 50's and enjoy it, wearing a normal amount of clothing. Being able to wake up and feel GOOD without having to self-administer anything !!

Much <3 to everyone here.
 
Haaha. It's all good, Caseface.

And btw, natural herbs are a great option for insomnia. I know you're in Berkeley, there's a great (fair priced) her shop on Telegraph, across street from Amoeba.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top