stupidrelapse
Greenlighter
Hello, I am a 47 yr old female. I was diagnosed at the age of 19 with manic/depressive with suicidal tendencies. I started my meth addiction at the age of 18. I have gone years on and off again. About 5 years ago I was diagnosed with bi-polar, PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Fibromyalgia and some other chronic pains. For the last 5 years I was clean until about 3 and a half months ago. And I didn't just fall off the wagon, I bounced down the road, rolled off a cliff and landed in a rocky ravine. I don't even know what triggered the relapse. All my mental health issues have intensified. I also have a picking disorder (cant remember the name) and dig holes in my scalp and then pull off the scabs, which leaves me a bloody mess. I only have one vein i can hit without too many problems, but it is so damaged I told my self I wouldnt use it again. Well, I found myself sitting in my room for 4 hours stabbing myself repeatedly searching for a new place to hit. I know I need to get clean again. I am doing permanent damage to myself. Not sure how the meth is affecting my medications. It's harder this time to put it down, even though I can see myself and what I am doing. My husband used also, but he smokes it. I don't see him quitting anytime soon, which makes it harder on me. I have told him a couple times it's time to stop and he keeps bringing more home. My arms are covered in bruises and I am pretty sure I am developing an abscess or worse. I have had 3 suicide attempts and I am sure the drug use and picking are ways of self harm. I did go in and tell my doctor about my using a few weeks ago. I want to be held accountable, and I hate disappointing people. I am ashamed and embarrassed. Not exactly sure why I am posting this, I guess I just need an ear. I can't discussed my issues with anyone. I hope I am posing this in the right place.
