favorite joke?

R

rapture

Bluelighter
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O.K., I thought it might be cool to get a thread going with everyone's favorite jokes..you know, the one you ALWAYS tell...the old standby that, no matter how many times you tell it, never gets old.
lemme share...
Q: Why did the Monkey (yes, monkey)cross the road?
A: 'Cuz he was stapled to the chicken!!
HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEEE!!lol!
roflmao!!!!!!
ahem...you get the idea....
smile.gif

hugs and stuff
rapture
 
I saw this one here not too long ago, and I think it was Mr. Sticky that said it (if not, I apologize to whoever did say it =)
Whats black and white and red all over?
A nun with a spear in her head trying to go through a rotating door
PLUR
Justin
 
Okay, the only things I'm anal about are jokes...so here's the correction
wink.gif
:
What's black, white and red and can't walk through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear in her head.
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I can't stand the itching but I don't mind the swelling...
 
I got this one this morning and I laughed pretty hard...
---
Mrs. Smith has three daughters who are all getting married
within the same month. She tells each one of her daughters
to write back about their married life. To avoid possible
embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing
their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using
newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother
know how their love lives are going.
The first one gets married and the second day a telegram
arrives with a single message, simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE
HOUSE".
Mrs. Smith gets the newspaper and checks the Maxwell
Coffee House advertisement, and it says: "Good to the last
drop..." So, Mrs. Smith is happy.
Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there
is a postcard that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES". So,
Mrs. Smith looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it
says: "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE" And Mrs. Smith is happy.
Then it is the third one's wedding. Mrs. Smith is anxious
because two weeks have passed and still no message from
the third daughter. Then after four weeks comes a letter with
the message: "BRITISH AIRWAYS".
And Mrs. Smith looks into the British Airways ad, but this
time she faints. The ad reads: "THREE TIMES A DAY,
SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.
 
How do you tell when a female bartender is mad at you?
when you find a string in your bloody mary.
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TBritton
"Tis better to understand what you hate, than to hate what you don't understand."
 
egads, tbritton.. that was horrible! hehehe, made me cringe..
Knock knock
who's there?
the interrupting cow
the intterupti--MOOOO
it has a better effect when said out loud
wink.gif

PLUR
Justin
 
I think this one is funny!!! :P
Julie asked her boyfriend Todd to have dinner with her family — a special event, since this would be the first time she'd ever brought a boyfriend home to break bread with her parents.
Virtuous Julie tells Todd that after dinner she'd like to do something else for the first time, too.
Ecstatic Todd rushes to the pharmacy to buy condoms. A virgin himself, Todd is confused by the different brands and choices. But believing in safe sex, and proud of his good fortune, he asks the pharmacist for help.
The pharmacist tells Todd everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, he asks Todd how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, a 10-pack or a family pack.
Todd insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy.
That night, Todd shows up at Julie's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. She takes Todd to the dinner table, where her parents are already seated.
Todd sits quickly and, with head bowed, offers to say grace. A minute passes and Todd is still deep in prayer, head down. Five minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after ten minutes with his head down, Julie leans over and whispers, "I had no idea you were this religious."
Todd whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
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;) -Peace, Love, and Ecstasy!!- :D
 
All my favorite jokes are very un-plur. I don't think I'd be too popular if I posted them. Just know that I have slews of horrifying, offensive jokes. They exist and are are damn funny. That is all.
 
Everyone please post dead baby jokes. Dead baby jokes kick ass. Here is one now.
How do you get 1000 dead babies into a pay phone? Snow blower! How do you get them out? Nachos!
 
YESSSS! Dead baby jokes are fuckin' awesome!
What's gross?
6 dead babies in 1 trashcan.
What's grosser that that?
1 dead baby in 6 trashcans.
What's black, green, brightbright orange and at the bottom of a swimming pool?
A baby with it's floaties slashed.
What 18 inches long, has a purple head and can make any woman scream?
A crib death.
And my personal favorite: Stick your hands in red paint and say something along the lines of "Mommy, you know the soft spot on the baby's head....?"
Everyone else thinks we're gross and perverted smokemon, but WE KNOW HUMOR.
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xoxo
flux
 
...no offense to lesbians or bi-sexual
wink.gif

hey...some of my best friends are lesbians (ha ha)...anyway....
...what do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
....a LICKALOTAPUSS..!
...JUST A SILLY CUTE JOKE
wink.gif
 
One day Clinton walks into the oval office and he's got a pair of panties wrapped around one arm. All of his aides look at each other with puzzled expressions, but nobody wants to say anything.
Clinton has a few meetings, each one ending with a bewildered looking person leaving the oval office, but still nobody wants to say anything. Finally Gore gets up the nerve, walks in and closes the door.
Mr. President, can I ask you a question?
Sure Al, go ahead
Well, I know you have been through alot lately, what with the whole Monica thing, but your staff and I just wanted to make sure you feel alright.
I feel fine, why do you ask?
Well, you seem to have a pair of panties wrapped around your arm is all.
Oh that? Its a patch. I'm trying to quit.
wink.gif
 
my favorite type of jokes are the dumb blond jokes.all my friends think i'm nuts b/ci'm a blond. the one that gets people to laugh that i like is
what do a blond and a screen door have in common?
the more you bang them the looser they get.
hahahaha i'm soooo funny. PLUR
Jen
 
my friend just mailed me this one..
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious? I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. all was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her hiusband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet...........
The door slowly opened and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
PLUR
Justin
 
I don't have a joke to tell at theis moment, but I wanted this thread back up at the top cause I hope that it may help the whole mood of this board lately.
We could all use a good laugh.
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If you can't change it - get over it. If you can - do!
 
"What 18 inches long, has a purple head and can make any woman scream?
A crib death."
...oh...oh...lemme catch my breath...I'm still in pain...oh my....
flux, will you marry me? That is one of the funniest things I've ever read.
This one's for Jen:
What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball.
What's the same?
When you throw them in the gutter, they both come back.
Okay...here's some elephant jokes:
What does an elephant use for a vibrator?
an epileptic
--wait, they get better--
What does and elephant use for a tampon?
sheep
Why do elephants have trunks?
Because sheep don't have strings.
Geez, I used to have a million of these committed to memory...damn drugs...
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I can't stand the itching but I don't mind the swelling...
 
What do you call a fat chink?
A chunk.
Please peeps, no offense, I love you all.
I just love the simplicity of that one.
 
I don't usually remember many jokes, but this one has found a little place in my heart...
What's the definition of disgusting?
Siamese Twins, joined at the mouth, and one throws up.
 
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