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Falling for someone you cant have

A

AlexxRed

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 2, 2002
Messages
293
Location
melbourne, Australia
Forgive my ramble, its just something I have to get out. Maybe reading peoples thoughts will help.

I met someone while I was out. She was great, and I had the best time with her, dancing around being silly just really enjoying her company. It was not one of those mmm shes hot want to get into her pants things, she just felt...I dont know how to put it, just right. Anyway stupidly I lost her number but knew I would see her again at a big event.

At the big event, I run into her again. And in the 3 or so weeks that had past shes now casually seeing someone. Gutted, I just wanted the chance. At least I got the number again. We talked on the phone sometime later about catching up outside the scene. I tried to put it out of my mind.

I'm at my favorite club, purely by chance on a friday night. I was positive I was not going out, but somehow ended up, well out. We've been there for a bit, and my mate says, hey got some good news for you guess who I ran into. I almost felt ill. I did not want to see that beaming lovely face. You know when someone just affects you, and there is nothing you can do about it. Anyway, we ended up hanging out cause her guy and friends wanted to leave. Two of us rocked away till close, and had a ball. She had a great time. I had a number of people ask if she was my girlfriend. I did not even want to try anything, I was just enjoying the time we were having so much. I drove her home, and we talked for hours.

Now I got it bad. I know there is a connection there, I just cant work out what the hell to do about it. Additionally, this scene, raving, the drugs mixed with emotions its just fucks everything up. I've seen people get emotionally twisted up from the difficulties of falling for someone in that setting, only to find that the other person only wants to know them inside that scene. I want to get the opportunity to see her outside it all. Not to mention that fact that she is 'sort of seeing' this other guy.

I've very rarely had feelings like this for someone, I dont fall at the drop of a hat, although the way I tell me story it might appear like there is not much substance and reason for my feelings. I cant really describe it words. Know i'm just left feeling like a bit of a dickhead and wondering, what the hell do I do?
 
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I know exactly how you feel. I'm in a similar situation, however the girl that I like isn't in the "scene" which I guess makes it a little easier as there is no drug rubbish to deal with.

However she does have a boyfriend, and there are so many instances where I think that she couldn't give a shit about him, but I think that more often than not when you like someone you see what you want to see. I think perhaps there could be something there, but if i'm wrong, I could fuck up a really good friendship, but if I don't, I run the chance of perhaps having an amazing relationship.

So no advice i'm afraid, but you're not alone :P I'm going to play it by ear for the next couple of weeks, and gauge whether its a viable option to "slip under the radar" so to speak ;) I've no doubt the boyfriend is an arsehole ;);)
 
Alexx I can honestly say I know where your coming from and I feel for you matey!

I met a guy last year at a club and we hit it off like nothing else. Spent the rest of the night dancing away and having a ball! Same thing kinda happened. As first he "wasn't ready for a relationship" but we kept hanging out and every night I went out with him was a top night. Then a few weeks later found out he had a girlfriend.

He still wanted to be mates and hang out etc, but I know I couldn't do it, I got hurt enough as it was.

THEN ...

Going back to the ITM party at HOME. I met a guy and again, hit it off. Had heaps of things in common (both scorpios too - pretty scary). Caught up with him a second time then he told me he'd met a girl the night before he met me ... so it was a no go!

I think you should keep in touch with her though. If you got along really well and you have a great time with her, by all means you can still be mates.

You've gotta think, what could happen down the track? Her feelings for you might change, she might realise what's staring her in the face is a great thing and pursue something ... who knows :)

But you've got nothing to lose and everything to gain :)

All the best matey :D
 
I hear ya, bro. Story of my freaking life! I met a wonderful girl late last year, she broke up with her b/f and started hanging around with me 24/7 for a whole month, we became real good mates. She knew I liked her and told me that she was looking for friends, not a b/f. But we hung out heaps, she used to even sleep in my bed with me, then one day we dropped pills and started making out. We had sex once before she decided to see her ex again and they decided to give it another shot, she told me later she only had sex with me because she was insecure and in need of attention. But we still hang out a bit and when we do we are very playful and flirtatious, so much so that it almost hurts that I can't have her. It did my head in no end, it took months to get over.8(

So unfortunately I don't have a great deal of advice either, just more assurances that you're not alone, unrequited love sucks dogs balls. Just try and stay positive, try and focus your mind on other things.

Best of luck:\
 
Just quickly : women think totally differently to men on this issue. Though you have found a 'connection' and it feels 'right', she may be thinking just 'what a great guy'.. pity I'm already in love', or 'so cool to hang with him... long as he doesn't push it too far'. Our thoughts on these things are often black & white, whereas her's maybe more complex and friendship may be the only thing she's after.

Best advice I can give is, at an appropriate moment, plunge the dagger in. Tell her you feel strongly and wonder if it's reciprocated? If it is, there's hope and you may be able to work something out. If not, your heart'll be off the hook and you'll start (queue MATRIX Oracle voice) 'feeling better right away'...

Nothing breeds contentment like...the truth.

best
 
*hugs*

No advice here either really, it's a sucky situation to be in, and believe me you're not alone - it's happened to most of us at one time or other.

Only thing I can really say is don't make a move on the girl whilst she's still with her guy, there is nothing worse than the feeling of being in love with someone who is with someone else and it's only heightened when either she's initiated something or you have and the move is welcomed under the influence of drugs and you have to wake up to yourself when sober and realise it's all drug induced and at the end of the day her relationship will always come first.

If something like that is going to happen, let it happen whilst you're both sober and thinking rationally.

Next time you see her suggest hanging out when sober and see how that goes... but honey always remember this if she'll do it with you, she'll do it to you. If you end up being the other man and she leaves her bloke for you, how insecure are you going to be about that fact?

Sometimes, no matter how strongly we feel we have to objectively assess the situation and walk away.

*hugs*

Kitty
 
ok, you *really* have to tell me how this goes as i'm in a really similiar situation.
I've found a girl who i have an amazing connection with! I love being around her, and just hanging out. She gets along with all my mates well, and people have been saying how good we look together. Every other guy who likes her, comes up and asks me if she's my gf beforehand.

:(

Now here's the catch. We're both really alike. Both depressed, and we both react the same way to things. My depression has fucked up relationships in the past, and i can so easily see it stuffing up this one. At the moment, i *don't* want to go out with her, because i know it will end. However, i just want to be friends for now, and just enjoy her company. Its nice to have soemone close to cuddle up to. (she sleeps in my bed - no messing around which is cool). Sorry to hijack your thread here, but it seems really similar.

While out on friday night one of my friends tried to convince her to go out with me (hi whiteboy! hehe), but i'm not sure that i really want to. So, i'll give her a call tonight and tell her how i feel. Hopefully honesty is the best policy! (i'm counting on it!). If it is, then i'll pass on the feedback so it might let you make a decision.
 
Most people have had this happen at one time or another, sure as fuck I have.
The only thing I can suggest, (it worked for me at the time) when you are sittin somewhere feeling comfortable with each other drop the "So, do you think we may have worked out if things had been diferent". Or something to the effect of.
At least this way you will get a responce and it sshouldnt affect your relationship as friends.
Good luck and god speed, you to Jubas.:\
 
Try this one,
The girl I want and have the biggest connection of my life with lives in Perth, I'm in Sydney.
 
The only person who can decide how much of your time she is worth is you. Friends, family, work mates and casual acquaintances will all give you an opinion if you go on long enough, but ultimately - your the person who decides how much of your life and attention she is worth.

Try not to get disillusioned and remain objective about what your attraction is doing to your life, weigh it up and if you can deal with the pain of the current 'situation' for the chance that she will come through then hey, gofer it.

Just try not to let it progress to where your shattered over her and on another tack, tell her how your feeling. In the end what have you got to loose with being honest? Someone freaking out that you've seen a few times and not talking to you again, maybe - her realising how much you think of her and whilst not going ahead with you, bringing you in as a much closer friend, good chance - her realising she shares the feelings you do, quite possible if you've seen her reactions to you and they are close to what your experiencing.

It's not possible to put a price on your own values, but dont worry - everyone you ever meet will always have a crack at telling you the right path to choose :)

Love is the one thing I dont think its possible to hide and not tear yourself up inside. Take a chance, perservere and when you can say to yourself its not worth it, then walk away and be happy that you had the chance to share some time with an amazing person.

P.S. Drugs are the absolute bane of rational thought and foundations for a relationship. Dont get into them whilst your fucked, and dont try and work them out whilst your fucked. Meet her in the week to be social, then met her the week after and the week after. It's not worth being trashed for the first 2 months of letting her get to know you if your serious about this.

---

*looks towards someone* I'm telling you stories. Trust me.
 
star_beats said:
If you really want her- stick around, be patient.
Click to expand...

^^^ So true :) Patience is a virtue and good things come to those who wait :D

How corny does that sound, but it's true!
 
that sucks but is she dating him or just going out ? oh you said cassually seeing him .. hell i would go for it but that is just me and i'am not very Patience. go for it
 
update:

well i spoke to my particular female friend yesterday arvo, and i think got the message across. She complained about everyone else thinking that we were/should be going out, and i kind of agreed with her. I didn't get across exactly how much i feel for her though as she sounded pretty annoyed at the time. I think drugs can help in situations like this, as you're both a lot more receptive i think. But i might keep it down to a few drinks, because i really wanna get this off my chest, but don't want to pester her :P I think as so many have said before, i'll just sit back and wait and see what happens.
well i hope... (*jubas thinks back to the anxiety attack last night)
hrmm.. i'll just cool it for a while. do some study instead....*cough*
 
Chunckstar said:
The only thing I can suggest, (it worked for me at the time) when you are sittin somewhere feeling comfortable with each other drop the "So, do you think we may have worked out if things had been diferent". Or something to the effect of.
At least this way you will get a responce and it sshouldnt affect your relationship as friends.
Click to expand...

^^^ Yes. This is my advice (take it from the SLR expert ;) )

While you need to be respectful of her current relationship, don't just sit back like a chump and pretend it's okay with you to "just be friends". You've got to lay your cards on the table if you feel this strongly. Otherwise it will eat you up inside.

But do it in such a way that you have an "out"... a hypothetical question like the above (when you're in the right moment) is perfect. Then if the answer is negative you can simply say "well it's great being your friend anyway".

Look - you just never know. This is a new thing with her guy; it might not work out... and she might feel just the same as you. :)
But as Kitty said, cheating's never a good sign so be very wary if she jumps from his bed to yours...
 
Strawberry_lovemuffin said:

But as Kitty said, cheating's never a good sign so be very wary if she jumps from his bed to yours...
Click to expand...

agreed, if she does this, be careful, a leopard never changes its spots.
 
I don't know anyone that hasn't been in this situation before (and I know plenty that are currently in it). And it's one of those things where I could sit here and tell you exactly what you need to do, while knowing full well that if I was in your situation I probably wouldn't do it anyway. It's so easy to give advice that makes perfect sense - it's another thing to act on that advice even when you know that it's the best thing to do. It's just so damn scary sometimes!

So here's the obvious statement that everyone who's not in this situation would say, and everyone who is in the situation would understand. You just gotta ask her. That's the easy part - the hard part is how. It can be quite tricky to figure out the balance between putting your heart on your sleave and becoming totally vulnerable, and making it vague enough that if the feeling isn't reciprocated you don't lose too much face and still keep the friendship.

Ultimately though, you gotta take the risks to reap the rewards.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes! :)
 
Jubas said:
Now here's the catch. We're both really alike. Both depressed, and we both react the same way to things. My depression has fucked up relationships in the past, and i can so easily see it stuffing up this one. At the moment, i *don't* want to go out with her, because i know it will end. However, i just want to be friends for now, and just enjoy her company. Its nice to have soemone close to cuddle up to. (she sleeps in my bed - no messing around which is cool). Sorry to hijack your thread here, but it seems really similar.
Click to expand...

Yo Jubas man, if you have any doubts about you and her working out, well then I say leave it. You are honestly one of the most awesome people alive, you'll find someone even more awesome for yourself. The key to finding that person man is to not be looking. This last few months has really taught me that. I know it sounds cliched, but the BEST person comes around when you really don't need her to. :P

Peace brother
wHiTeBoY
 
Jubas said:
update:

well i spoke to my particular female friend yesterday arvo, and i think got the message across. She complained about everyone else thinking that we were/should be going out, and i kind of agreed with her. I didn't get across exactly how much i feel for her though as she sounded pretty annoyed at the time. I think drugs can help in situations like this, as you're both a lot more receptive i think. But i might keep it down to a few drinks, because i really wanna get this off my chest, but don't want to pester her :P I think as so many have said before, i'll just sit back and wait and see what happens.
well i hope... (*jubas thinks back to the anxiety attack last night)
hrmm.. i'll just cool it for a while. do some study instead....*cough*
Click to expand...

i reckon that convo was prolly one of the most productive you had with her...good onya mate

i aint gonna sit here trying to make you less depressed dude, coz depression is something only YOU can change when you are ready to and when the situation permits
but all i can say is

someone as fucken awesome as you should in NO WAY be depressed....fucken hell if I had even half of your personality dude I'd be fucken on top!

Peace
wHiTeBoY
 
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